Song: Cold - Crossfade

Sorry this chapter took me so long! I've been really busy with research for school. But I hope this chapter and the next one will make up for the long waits! :) Be prepared: this one is a long one!

Chapter 31: Cold

It was much harder than I thought it was going to be to not go running back to Misaki. More than anything, I wanted to march into the penthouse and hold him again. I wanted to beg him to forgive me and take me back. Things weren't supposed to end like this… I hated this.

I hated the new apartment that I lived in. It wasn't that it was bad. It was just as big as the other one. It wasn't that I missed having my favorite bear, Suzuki-san, by my side all the time. No… what I missed the most was having Misaki by my side. Without him, nowhere that I go will ever feel like home again.

I knew I had no one to blame but myself. If only I had been more honest with him; taken things a bit more slowly with him; didn't try to force him into things; just listened to him more often; if only I wasn't me…

The nightmares returned. It had been so long since I last had one. The last one I remembered was when Misaki was visiting his brother and we both thought that he was leaving me. Having the boy with me really kept them at bay. The turning point was the whole ordeal with that Sumi kid and how I forced myself onto Misaki after that. Nearly every night since then, I've dreamt of both him and Ryuto jumping over the bridge. Sometimes, I woke up and I wasn't even sure who it was that I dreamt about.

Food had lost its appeal to me and I lost most of my appetite. I still ate, but not nearly as much as a nearly 30 year old man should be eating. When I did eat, it was always accompanied with whiskey or bourbon or sake – something to take the edge off of my pain, just for a little bit.

It was hard to sleep, partly because of the nightmares and partly due to my constant lags of crying. When the hell did I cry so much? It was infuriating that some kid 10 years younger than me could make me bawl my eyes out like a baby. The pain in my heart was constant and I couldn't stop myself from breaking down.

Everything had gotten so bad that I recently stopped writing completely. Aikawa-san was pissed at first, but she eventually seemed to understand why I was so depressed and said she'd handle it. Apparently she has since no one from the publishing company, not even Isaka-san, has come around to try to knock some sense into me. She still comes by almost every day to make sure that I'm okay.

She's been so kind to me since I moved. At first, she was confused as to why I moved away from Misaki. She knew just how much I was in love with him. After all, I didn't let anyone that close to me if I didn't like them. Eventually she accepted my reasoning of wanting to protect him, even if she didn't agree with me. She constantly tried to talk me into moving back and getting him back, but I was set in my ways. Besides, he wouldn't take me back now after that.

Whenever she came over, she brought food – either take-out or food that she cooked right there for me. Sometimes she would clean up around the apartment a little bit. It was nice to have her do those things for me, especially since I never once asked her to.

She was the one who was in charge of delivering money to Misaki every week. I'd hand her a blank envelope with money inside, and the next morning on her way to work she'd go put it in the mailbox at the old condo. She was instructed not to talk to him if she ran into him and she knew better than to give him my current contact information. However, with how often she pressed me about going back, I half-assumed that she would give him that information anyways if she ran into him.

There was a tiny part of me that hoped that Aikawa-san would run into Misaki. Then maybe he would come to me and beg me to love him again. A small, miniscule part of me wished that he'd find me and knock some sense into me. Sometimes I'd sit and stare at the walls and imagine different scenarios involving him coming back into my life. He'd either be very sad or extremely angry with me, but we'd quickly make up and we always ended up making love.

By the fourth week, the third money delivery, Aikawa-san came over that evening looking worried. I didn't even have to ask her what was bothering her since she immediately started babbling when she walked through the door.

"Sensei, I don't think he's there anymore. He hasn't taken the first two envelopes or the money inside and I never see him there. None of the lights are on at night either."

"What? Are you stalking him?"

She huffed at me. "I'm worried about him! Just because I understand why you left doesn't mean that I think it was the best decision. Misaki-kun obviously cares about you and loves you – "

"Cared. Loved. Past tense. Hell, maybe those feelings never even existed."

She let out a sigh that nearly sounded like a growl. How un-lady-like. "God you're such an idiot! If you just tell him the truth, he'd understand!"

Conversations like that continued almost on a daily basis. But nothing she could say would convince me to run back to him. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already did. I let the demon inside of me escape and it only hurt him, even if he didn't see it. Surely, he understands now what happened. I explained it so clearly in my letter!

Still… it hurts like hell, being away from him. I never thought I could miss somebody this much... It never hurt this bad with Ryuto before.

I wanted him to be safe and happy, but was it really worth my own happiness? I asked myself this question a lot and I always came up with the same answer: for Misaki, I would do anything.

Deep down, I knew I needed to apologize to him in person for forcing him, but I wasn't sure if I could keep my cool if I saw him again. I'd immediately want to hold him, kiss him, do everything to him. I'd forget that I ever did anything wrong and think that everything was completely fine.

Besides, if I ever did confront him, would he even forgive me? Would he even want to talk to me or see me? Has he already moved on? Did he move out of the penthouse like Aikawa-san thought?

Even after all of this, could I even change? This possessiveness and need to constantly have physical contact is all I've ever known. My senpai in England made me this way when I was a kid and what happened with Ryuto only reinforced it further. This is how I am and I can't change that: no matter how hard I want to… not even for Misaki.

The worst part of all the pain I felt was the fact that I didn't know how he was feeling about the whole situation. Was he angry at me for forcing him? Was he happy that I was finally out of his life? Was he depressed that he didn't have someone to love him anymore? The uncertainty ate me up inside. If I hoped that he missed me, then things would only be worse when I came to the truth. If I thought that he hated me and was glad I was gone, then I won't be disappointed when I finally find that out. So I tried to keep my thoughts on the second option.

On the night that it happened, I had just finished my 3rd pack of cigarettes that day when the door to my strange new apartment flung open, slamming into the wall. The noise startled me, but I knew that it was only Aikawa-san. Earlier that day I had given her the fourth envelope to deliver. She tended to be extra irritated with me on those days.

"Sensei!" she called, panic evident in her voice. "This is an emergency!"

I had my back to her as I sat on the couch, but I didn't bother turning towards her. "Huh? Is Isaka-san begging to get me to come back? Well, don't bother. I said I'm done writing and I meant it."

"Usagi…"

That voice… I used to have his voice burnt into my brain, until Misaki came into my life. Then his voice took over. However, this voice was actually a bit similar to his. I didn't have to turn to see who it was, but I whipped my head around anyways. Takahiro and his wife stood by Aikawa-san in the doorway with anxious looks plastered on their faces. I had never seen him so worried and upset before. Manami-san held a tissue up to his eyes so I assumed she had been crying.

"Takahiro?" For some reason, it sounded like a question.

"Usagi, please help us!" He folded his hands together as if he was begging. "Misaki's gone missing!"

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure if it was because of the information or the way Takahiro sounded absolutely heartbroken and helpless. Either way, all of my self-loathing and cold attitude flew out the window. All I could think about was something terrible happening to Misaki. Maybe my brother caught him. Maybe he was running away from it all. Or perhaps…

No. Dear god no…

I jumped up from the couch, stumbling over my feet. "When?"

"He's been gone for a couple hours," Takahiro answered as I raced over to the door.

"Are you sure he's not coming back?" My heart was pounding at the thought of what he could be doing at that very moment.

He shook his head. "Usagi, something's seriously wrong!" He began speaking frantically, seriously worried. "He's been strange ever since he came home! I don't know what happened between the two of you, but it seems to have really upset him! He doesn't speak much, hardly eats, spends all of his time in his room. His eyes are always bloodshot and his voice hoarse. Manami-san and I hear him crying most nights. We haven't been able to do anything to help him! And now he disappears on such short notice!" His eyes were watering, tears threatening to spill from them. "Usagi, I'm scared that he's going to do something drastic! I've never seen him like this, not even when our parents died!"

Misaki was that upset? He was the same as me… I couldn't believe it. All this time I had convinced myself that he was happy, so that I wouldn't be disappointed when I found out he really was and had moved on. In reality, he was just as heartbroken as I was over this… maybe even more.

And everything was completely my fault. If only I had just been honest with him from the very beginning; taken things slowly; didn't try to force him to do things; listened to him more often; if only I wasn't me…

"Usagi," Takahiro choked out, pulling me from my thoughts. "We can talk about what happened between you two later. Please, first let's find him!"

I nodded and held back a wave of nausea. "Has he been at the old penthouse at all? I left it to him."

"No. We picked him up the very first night and he hasn't gone back since. Do you think he's there?" His voice suddenly sounded hopeful, but tears were still clouding his vision.

"I don't know. I'll go check there first. You and Manami-san keep looking around for him. Check all of the places you think he might go. Any place that he went as a kid – check there too. I'll check everywhere I can think of as well. If I find him, I'll call you right away. I'll give you my mobile number in case you find him first."

He shakily pulled out his cell phone and entered in the number that I told him. Both he and Manami-san took a few seconds to catch their breath and compose themselves, but then quickly left to go look for Misaki. I inhaled deeply as well before putting on my shoes and coat.

I turned to my editor, who had been standing in the corner with her hand over her mouth. "Aikawa-san, can you stay here in case Misaki comes here? Call me right away if he shows up." It was highly unlikely that he would figure out where I lived, but I had to cover all of the bases.

She nodded and folded her arms across her chest, her mouth pulled down in a frown. "Sensei, you idiot. I told you all along." She was visibly upset as she glared at me, stabbing me with her eyes. "If anything happens to him, it's all on you!"

All I could do to keep from screaming or sobbing was bite my lower lip. I felt tears sting my eyes as I nodded. She must have noticed because her expression suddenly softened. Neither of us said another word. Instead, I quickly turned and ran as fast as I could to my car.

The drive to the old penthouse seemed like it was a lot longer than it really was. My mind was racing and I was scared to death of what Misaki was doing. The only conclusion I kept coming to was… my nightmare. Over and over again, I replayed that nightmare where both Ryuto and Misaki jumped off the bridge. I was so focused on Misaki rather than Ryuto though at that point. I couldn't save one, but I'll be damned if I let the other one drown, especially when it seems like he's really broken over being apart from me.

With Ryuto, he was broken from what I did to him. It drove him insane and he couldn't live with what happened to him anymore. Maybe that was the same with Misaki too? Maybe we had it all wrong… Maybe what happened was eating him up inside too and he couldn't live anymore. If that's the case… I just don't know what I'll do.

When I finally reached my destination, I scrambled to get out of the car and to the elevator. The whole time it felt like my chest was collapsing. It felt like thousands of tiny needles were stabbing my lungs with each breath I tried to take. I was absolutely terrified that he would be in there, but I would be too late. The elevator went incredibly too slow all the way up.

When I finally reached the right floor and the elevator doors opened, I noticed that envelopes and money were thrown on the floor right by the mailbox. When did this happen? It couldn't have been last week or Aikawa-san would have mentioned it. It had to have happened today. Did she see it? No, she would have told me! This had to have happened even more recently than this morning. Was he here?

I took a deep breath, ignoring the sting in my lungs, and entered the code on the keypad to unlock the door. The lights were on inside, but I couldn't see him anywhere. I stepped inside, shutting the door behind me. Nothing looked out of place anywhere. The lights were still on. He had to be here!

"Misaki?" I called out, my voice shaking slightly.

My question was met with silence so I started to walk towards the stairs. If I yell loud enough from the bottom of the steps, he'd be able to hear me if he was upstairs. Suddenly, I noticed that the kitchen was a complete disaster. All of the cupboards were open and practically empty. All of the glasses, plates, and bowls were shattered on the floor. It was a complete hazard zone. What the hell happened here?

The sight worried me. It either meant that there was a struggle in here or Misaki threw all of the dishes on the floor. With the way things were going, I assumed it was the second one. That fact really startled me. When he got angry, he would go a little overboard sometimes, but this was extreme for him. Was he really hurt that much? Of course he is… I forced him and then left him all alone.

I pushed all the thoughts out of my head and focused on finding him. "Misaki?!" I yelled out again from the bottom of the stairs. Again, I was met with complete silence.

A strange nervous feeling was pooling in the pit of my stomach. Was he even up there or did he already leave? Was he even here before or was this mess left behind from someone else? It couldn't be an intruder: they would have destroyed more things in the house and taken the money from the mailbox.

I called Misaki's name several more times as I climbed up the stairs. Each room was as empty as I left them. Even his room was empty since he moved in with his brother after I left. When I reached the end of the hallway, I stepped into the bathroom and noticed that it was just as chaotic as the kitchen. The mirror over the sink was shattered, with only a small remaining part left on the backboard. The glass that lay on the floor was smashed, as if something crushed it. I sighed: all of this would take forever to clean up.

Just before I was about to turn around and leave, I noticed a droplet of red on the tile and on the glass. Was that… blood?! I bent down to get a closer look and gently touched the spot on the floor. It was a little sticky but it wasn't completely dried. This happened not too long ago. He must have just left! I was terrified of how badly he was hurt. It was just a little bit of blood, so I had to hope that it wasn't too bad. It must have been from the mirror breaking.

My stomach was churning and my heart was pounding so hard against my chest. I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do now. There was no way of knowing where he went off to. Even if I found him, I still didn't know if he'd talk to me or what I'd even say. But I couldn't just stand here in the bathroom of my old penthouse all night. I had to do something.

As I ran out of the penthouse and back to my car, all I could think about was 11 years ago when Ryuto killed himself. I watched him jump off the old bridge, into the freezing water below, and all I did was stand there in horror. Several of my nightmares featured Misaki doing the same thing. There was no way in hell that I was going to let that happen to him. I am in love with him. I could never live without him. I couldn't live with myself if I let him die.

Unconsciously, I drove straight to the same bridge from my nightmares. I had to park my car on the side of the road close to the bridge. It was still there and still extremely dangerous even though all of the side railing had been replaced with actual metal (now rusted) rather than wooden planks. The bridge itself was still composed of rotten wood. It was scary for me to go on it.

The lights all along the bridge were dim, but the light from the moon helped illuminate more. I couldn't see anyone on the bridge at first, but there was still a long ways to go. Running on this old bridge was risky, but if there was any chance that Misaki was on this bridge, I had to hurry to him. Each time the wood beneath me creaked, I felt my whole body jump in fear.

Suddenly, I noticed a dark shadow underneath one of the light posts. My heart skipped several beats and energy poured into me. I pushed myself to run faster, willing my legs to move at an insane speed. As I came closer, the figure became more prominent: a short, slim male with dark shaggy hair. It had to be him! He appeared to be leaning on the railing… My mind raced and I began to panic.

"MISAKI!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He slowly raised his head and I could clearly see his wide, emerald eyes. It was definitely him. If it was possible, his eyes widened at the sight of me sprinting to him. However, he shifted back a little and took a step backwards, as if he was going to try to get away from me. That hurt so bad that I stopped right in my tracks, nearly falling forwards onto my face.

We stood there, not very far from each other, just staring. I was trying so hard to catch my breath after running. Damn my smoking habit! My lungs were burning. It didn't help that I was so hurt from Misaki backing away from me. I truly felt that if my lungs quit working and I stopped breathing that everything would be fine.

"U-Usagi-san?" he stuttered in a small voice. "Wh-What are you d-doing here?"

I took a few big gulps of air before I began to blabber. "Misaki, don't jump. Please! I'll stay out of your life for good if that's what you want. I'll make sure you get proper help. Please. Just don't jump!"

My lungs felt like they were on fire and talking fast only made things worse. It ached when I tried to take in a big breath of air. Because it was so hard for me to breathe, my whole body felt weak. My vision blurred just a tad and it felt like my heart was constricting. My legs abruptly gave out beneath me and I fell to my knees, falling forward and using my hands to cushion the fall. My breaths came out in short puffs.

"Usagi-san!" Misaki cried out. I could hear the worry in his voice. I glanced up and saw him come forward, also getting on his knees in front of me. "Are you okay?! Can you breathe?!"

I nodded and just stared back down at my hands on the bridge. All the anxiety and my past smoking habits had really hurt my lungs. I tried to stay calm and just tried to keep breathing. My heart was beating at such a rapid rate. The only thing that made me feel better was knowing that the love of my life was alive, away from the side of the bridge, and kneeling in front of me.

Finally, I could breathe a bit more normally. I sat up so that I was just sitting on my knees. Misaki was in the same position in front of me. His eyes were slightly red and wet. Had he been crying? Was he crying just now? What kind of thoughts were going through his head? We hadn't seen each other in a whole month. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and hold him close.

"Are you alright?" he asked again, clearly still worried.

I nodded again and was about to open my mouth to speak when a frown formed on his face. He reached up and brought an open palm close to his face. The next thing I knew, a sharp sting hit my cheek, causing me to yelp. I held my hand up to my hurt cheek and stared at him in awe. He slapped me!

"What the hell were you thinking?! Why did you leave me?! I don't understand you sometimes, Usagi-san! If I did something troublesome for you then you should have told me so I could have fixed it! You can't just run away from your problems like that! I thought you said you loved me! Then why did you leave me?!"

Tears had begun to pour down his face shortly after he started talking. I couldn't believe that he was hurting that badly because I had left. Didn't he understand what I did to him? He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and sniffled.

"Don't lie to me. Just tell me everything!"

I sighed, knowing that he was right. I had to tell him what had happened and everything that I felt inside. I couldn't just run away from my problems like that. He was an adult. We were both adults. He could handle it. Afterwards, he could decide for himself if he still wanted to stay by my side.

I slightly nodded, feeling the anxiety pool in my stomach again. "Alright… I'll tell you everything."