There's a little bit more about the past at the beginning of this, but after the break it's back to the present with Misaki! This is my absolute favorite chapter, even though it's a big shorter than usual. This was just the absolute best place to end it. Both characters are OOC because of everything that has happened, but I do hope you all enjoy it. Very emotional.

Don't worry, this story isn't quite over yet! I've got a few more things planned. :) Thanks for sticking with it all so far.

Song: On My Own - Ashes Remain

Chapter 34: On My Own

No one came after me to put me in jail or beat me up for revenge, not even after the funeral. I assumed that he didn't tell anyone about what I did. He took that secret to his watery grave. I assumed I would take it to mine as well, but my brother and Isaka-san had other plans.

They cornered me and emotionally tortured me until I laid all the cards out on the table. Rather than being a dick about it, Isaka-san comforted me and tried to tell me that things would be fine. I was so scared that someone would know and come after me, but he promised that he'd work with my father to make sure I was safe.

No one else could ever know what had happened. Not even anyone I became close to. They would certainly run away from me if they knew.

As much as I hated that my father knew what I had done, it was better that way. He could protect me since he was so rich and had a lot of authority. He never once talked to me about it like he should have. Not that he should have severely punished me, but he should have talked to me about healthy relationships. He never even brought up the fact that it was another male.

My pain gave my writing a huge boost. I spent constant long hours locked inside the utility closet writing the most depressing stories I could think of. The flow of ideas never stopped and I even wrote on the desks at school. That's when I met Takahiro. He made me a tad bit happier, but I knew deep down that I couldn't let myself get too close to him. I was a monster, a demon. We became such good friends and I was thankful I could be close to someone that I had feelings for. If things went well between us, then I would deal with it. After all, I could change, right?

Even though I was glad that Isaka-san had comforted me after everything happened, he was still a thorn in my side. He was working at Marukawa Publishing and he acted all high and mighty about it. He knew that I wrote and constantly wanted to read my work, but I always refused.

However, he found one of my stories while I was at school one day. It was one of the rather depression ones that I wrote after Ryuto killed himself. I came home to find him holding the notebook in his hand. I was furious at first, but he was so serious when he told me that I needed to submit the story to publish it. The idea floated around in my head for a few weeks until I finally decided to listen to him. I sent the story into Marukawa and it was published shortly after.

When I became famous for that story, my father's power became even more crucial for me. He was able to hide any evidence of what happened. Of course, all the evidence was just speculation, such as that I was friends with a boy that had committed suicide for an unknown reason. Still, the media would have a field day with that one.

He tried countless time to get me to work for him at the Usami Group, but I refused. Writing was my true calling. That made him quite angry since he was helping me out so much by keeping me safe. Eventually, I got sick of him trying to choose my destiny for me, so I moved out.

I had tried to cut off all contact with my father and my brother, but they were very persistent. Haruhiko was especially angry with me for leaving. Apparently our father had given him a lot of responsibility at the company. Among those responsibilities was hiding the evidence of Ryuto and I, which really irked him big time that he had to clean up my mess that I left behind.

Each time one of them got into contact with me, I told them that I didn't need their help to keep me safe anymore. I don't know if they ever listened. I'm assuming that they didn't because they kept calling me and trying to get me to come home and work at the corporation. It was extremely annoying.

After all of this, I vowed to never lose myself like that again. If I ever got my hands on Takahiro, I promised myself that I would treasure him and not hurt him. This was something I knew I had to control with everybody I got close to.

I lost my control with Misaki… I lost it big time.

When my father found out from my brother that I was with someone else, he had called me and threatened me. I was angry with him at first, but I now realize what he was doing. He wanted me to tell my current lover what had happened. He wanted him to know about the demons I kept hidden away. It wasn't healthy for me to hide that stuff from someone I was so close to, especially after I had broken that promise I made to myself to keep those close to me safe from myself.

I get it now, Papa. I get it. I'll tell him everything.

When I finally finished telling Misaki the whole truth, I took a long shaky breath and then coughed. My throat was so dry and scratchy, not just because I had talked for such a long time, but because I was so scared. I was so nervous of what he thought about me now. His mouth still hung open in a surprised face and his emerald eyes were wide with shock. It wouldn't surprise me if he was angry at me or scared of me. I expected him to get up and walk away from it all right then.

"That's why I didn't want you to come into contact with my family," I said after I caught my breath. "I thought for sure they'd tell you about that part of my past. I didn't want you to know at all, but if you were to hear about it, it needed to be from me. That's why everyone was so surprised that you were living with me. They all assumed that I would do it again. That's why I was so scared of getting close to Takahiro. I didn't want to do the same thing to him. I didn't want to do something like that to anyone really. Especially you, Misaki." His expression still remained the same. I took another deep breath and said in a shaky voice, "But, I couldn't hold back. I let it happen to you." My voice faltered at the end and my whole body convulsed as I began to sob. My vision became blurry with tears. "And when your friend came onto me, I fully realized what he was pointing out was right: I raped you, Misaki!"

"That's not true!" His voice was so loud that it startled me. But what really shocked me was that it was so hurt and full of raw emotion. "Usagi-san, you never hurt me! Ever! And you certainly didn't force me!"

I focused my vision so that I could clearly see his face again. He looked stern and his eyes were focused on mine. Actually, he looked a little angry. The boy who normally was a stuttering mess of emotions was composed and standing up to me. I hadn't been this surprised by him since he stood up to my brother. I was at a complete loss of what to do or what to think.

Without warning, he tucked his legs beneath him and leaned up on his knees, getting closer to me. I instinctively backed away out of fear for his life. I didn't want to hurt him. But more importantly, I didn't want to get close to him, or else I really would hurt him sooner or later. His face contorted in pain.

"St-Stay away from me, Misaki." I had suddenly turned into the stuttering mess. "I… I… I'm a monster." More tremors shook my whole body and I began to sob some more.

"How?" He sounded like he was on the verge of crying again as well. The painful look on his face was making me even more upset. "Tell me how, Usagi!" he screamed. "How did you force me? How?!"

"Because!" I yelled back. "I touched you the first time I met you; I kissed you when Takahiro was getting married; I forced you after I took you away from your friend; every time we had sex you would keep saying no, but I didn't listen!" I was sobbing in between each little thing I said. By the time I was done explaining, my sobs were so frequent that I could hardly breathe. My eyes were tightly shut as I bawled. My chest felt so heavy. "Y-You told me n-no, but I-I didn't li-listen. Just like Ry-Ryut-to."

I kept on crying. I couldn't believe it: I was a grown ass man sobbing my eyes out on the side of the bridge in front of the boy who used to be my lover. The boy who was a victim to my assault was kneeling before me, just listening to me cry. Everything was such a mess and I couldn't believe I let it get this way.

Suddenly, I felt a strange warmth on my tear-stained cheek. It was very calming and relaxing. I slowly opened my sore eyes and let the world come back into focus. Misaki's face was incredibly close. I could see a small, fresh cut on his cheek and I remembered the blood on the floor of my bathroom. He was crying as well, looking even more upset than I was. It was his hand that was caressing my cheek. His thumb wiped away one of my cold tears.

"Usagi-san, it's okay," he assured me in a quiet voice. "Don't cry over me. Especially when it's not something to cry about."

It was suddenly like I was a child again and he was a much older adult. I couldn't believe that he was actually still right in front of me, let alone wiping away my tears and trying to calm me down. I thought he would have run away as soon as he heard that I had raped somebody in the past. He should have run away from me when I told him that I did it to him as well.

"You didn't force me to do anything, Usagi-san. I wanted to be with you the whole time." He paused for a second and his cheeks heated up a little. "I still want to be with you." His voice was shy, but incredibly adorable.

My heart was pounding with his confession, but it still made me anxious. A part of me believed that he just didn't want to go live on his own or go back to living with his brother, so he would do anything to stay with me. Another part of me was certain that his confession was genuine and he really did want to stay by my side. I wasn't sure if he fully understood what had happened to him.

Misaki pulled his hand back to wipe away his own tears. Afterwards, he gave me a hard look. I wiped my face off as well, hoping that I wouldn't cry anymore. He smiled softly at me and the guilt in my chest felt heavier.

"Usagi-san, you have to let go of the past. It's not healthy to hold onto mistakes you've made or accidents that have happened to you. It's not your fault. If anything, it was your senpai's fault for manipulating you like that. Besides, you should be grateful that something happened to you so you could change your personality. It made you who you are today. Think of it as a life lesson. It's over now and it can't hurt you anymore if you don't let it."

When did the mediocre college student grow up so fast without me noticing?

"But, he d-died because of what I did. I drove him to suicide. It's as if I actually k-killed him." I gulped down another sob.

The boy shook his head. "That's not your fault at all, Usagi-san. And you can't live your life afraid of hurting someone like that again, because then that's all you'll think about and you'll never truly live."

All I could think about was what Takahiro told me when he wanted Misaki to live with him again. Eight year old Misaki believed that it was his fault their parents died in a tragic car accident. Since then, he became terrified of being troublesome for others. He constantly tiptoed around people so they wouldn't get angry with him and so that he could please them. Even to this day he did so.

"But Misaki, don't you do the same thing?" His face went blank, indicating that he wasn't sure what I was talking about. "You're always too solicitous of others and their feelings. Sometimes you forget about what you want or need just to make others happy. That all started after your parents died, right?"

A slight gasp escaped his throat as his jaw dropped slightly. "Th-That's not – "

"It's exactly the same as me," I interrupted.

The air between us became cold, but only for a split second. Then the boy reached forward and grabbed my hands. His hands were still so warm, even though we had been outside in the frigid air for a long time at that point. I could feel his pulse rushing through his hands, into mine, and up to my own heart, making it skip a beat. He leaned in closer and I inched away out of habit. His eyes seemed to bore into my soul.

"We are one in the same," he said confidently. I still couldn't believe that the once weepy teenage male was now so mature about everything. "We can fight our demons… together. Together… We can erase our pasts and focus on our future… together."

His dark eyes never strayed from mine, not even when he finally said it.

"I love you, Usagi-san."

My eyes widened and I gasped. My chest felt so heavy, yet my heart was soaring from his confession. It was as if I had forgotten how to breathe. Normally, I was cold inside, but right then I became very, very warm. The blood pumping through our veins seemed to sync up through our connected hands. The pulse I felt in his hand matched my own fast-paced beating heart. My mind was blank, except for the replaying of his voice telling me that he loved me.

I couldn't bear it any longer.

I lunged forward and wrapped Misaki up in my arms. His whole body was so warm against mine. The feeling of closeness to him made my emotions go crazy again. More tears began to flood from my eyes. My arms wrapped around his neck and his wrapped around my torso. I tangled my fingers into his dark hair as his hands grabbed fistfuls of the back of my shirt. I felt my body lurch with a few sobs. I could feel him shaking as well in my arms. Quiet squeaks in my ear indicated that he was crying as well.

"M-Misaki, I love you too, s-so much!" I cried out.

Together, we held each other under the moonlight and artificial light of the streetlamps as the stardust poured from our eyes.