101 Things I Shouldn't Have Learned At The Academy

by Major Trouble

A list of 101 things Trouble Kelp never should have learned at the Academy- but did. Some ideas are worse than others. Some are just plain stupid. Some you might not understand. WARNING: Some not-so-nice content. Nothing graphic.

3. 41 Through 60

Disclaimer: Grub and Trouble Kelp, their mom, Holly Short, Newt, Lili Frond, Commander Root, and Wing Commander Vinyaya (did I miss anyone?) all belong to Eoin Colfer, and I is not he.

I learned…

41. To change the sheets (if you catch my drift).

42. How to talk 'dirty' and not get caught for it.

43. That the punishment for fucking someone is extra drills, every day, for a month. You better hope the commander doesn't walk in on you. (That wasn't me- Vein told me that after he laid Frond- but I still shouldn't have learned it, should I?)

44. That if you play laser tag with your commander, let him win.

45. Even in training never punch a girl. Ever. Not even Holly Short.

46. That sparring with Holly is a bad and painful idea. But it's an easy way out of class, no matter how embarrassing. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

47. That hiding beer in the mini-fridge during dorm checks isn't all that bright. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

48. That trying to sneak into the girls' locker room while Holly is in there isn't the greatest of ideas. Even if you're shielded. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

49. That just because most girls will let you use their breasts as pillows does not mean that a certain auburn-haired, hazel-eyed female elf will. However, Vein doesn't mind. (WTF?) (FF's Holly25Trouble)

50. To hide anything incriminating (condoms, beer, etc.) in a friend's room when mom comes to visit. She will empty my drawers, she will empty Vein's, she will search the entire room, and she will ask questions. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

51. That brake dancing on the desk gets you exactly10 detentions- 2 for being on the desk, 3 for distracting your classmates, and 5 for break dancing in the middle of class, for no apparent reason. Of course, I think Root just likes to see me in detention.

52. To not punch Grub for shortening my name.

53. That Holly's pillows smell like strawberries.

54. That almost all of Holly's underwear is green.

55. That breaking into Holly's dorm room to learn the above two was totally worth it.

56. How to knit.

57. That Newt's no good in bed.

58. That neither is Lili Frond.

59. That Commander Root doesn't appreciate it when you put a root spray-painted purple in his desk chair.

60. Using paper from your mom that says 'Trouble Kelp' at the top to forge a love letter from Wing Commander Vinyaya to Commander Root doesn't exactly work.