The movie had been an odd change of pace after their talk, but one much needed. Both agents were worn out. They'd agreed not to discuss things further that night, instead enjoying the pizza, and Tim went to bed halfway through the movie. Tony had stayed on the couch, not quite willing to leave the younger man alone, though he spent hours attempting to decide what to do next.
He'd have to tell Gibbs what was going on. There was no doubt in his mind. Of course the main concern was that his best friend was in trouble... But as Senior Field Agent, Tony would also face serious consequences if something were to happen to McGee on a case, and it became known that DiNozzo had let him continue to work despite his state of mind. Vance's protocol be damned, the senior agent would be flayed alive by Ziva and Abby. Gibbs would probably help- or at least stand by and watch with satisfaction..and come to think of it, Ducky and Jimmy probably would as well. Still, none of that could compare to the torturous guilt Tony would feel should anything happen to his best friend. And it wouldn't. He would make sure of that.
…But how? The first order of business was assuring McGee did not go on that mission. Under no circumstances would that end well for the junior agent. Putting himself in a literal minefield while he was so determined to prove himself, to be "useful," was a guaranteed death sentence. Tony could try to convince Tim to back out, but if that didn't work, he'd have to go to Gibbs, who would have to take it to Vance, who would have to refer to Ducky to assess whether Tim were really in an unfit state of mind to join the overseas taskforce. All of this going behind his friend's back hurt to even think about. Sure, Tony had done worse in the past, but it had always been a prank- a mean joke at the worst. This was a matter of McGee's wellbeing and any mistake could end horribly wrong.
This worrying kept him up all night, so that by the time he heard McGee's alarm clock go off, DiNozzo hadn't slept a wink. Still, it was a good thing to see Tim emerge from his bedroom looking a tiny bit healthier than he had the night before. The younger man looked like hell, a few hours of rest couldn't change that, but he'd slept through the night which was something Tony suspected hadn't happened in months.
"Hey," McGee said in surprise. "I didn't know you slept over."
"Well I had to finish the movie. You're just lucky I didn't draw on your face or anything."
"I don't even remember getting into bed," Tim admitted, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Coffee machine's on a timer so there should be some ready in a second."
"Great," Tony said sincerely, groaning a little when he stood and several joints in his back crackled.
McGee cleared his throat a little then quietly began, "Tony?"
"Yeah, McGee?"
"…Thanks."
"Not a problem, Tim…but you know you can't go on that mission, right? You're not fit to."
"I don't want to back out just yet, Tony. It might be a good change of pace," Tim argued without a hint of force behind his words.
"Tim, you should talk to someone about this…someone that's not me I mean. Someone who's trained to help you with everything. What about Kate's sister? Rachel knows us pretty well so it's not like talking to a stranger."
"I don't want to talk to Dr. Cranston," McGee insisted.
"It doesn't really matter because you need to. You look a hell of a lot better from one good night's sleep after talking to me. Imagine how much better you'd feel after telling a therapist everything. There's no shame in it, Tim. Hell, you already know that I've gone a couple times."
"I know that," Tim said, pouring himself a cup of coffee and handing a mug to his friend. He started coughing before he could continue speaking. "Ugh. Ducky said I'd feel delayed effects of smoke inhalation but I thought that meant a couple hours, not a day later."
"Yeah, that'll happen," Tony winced in sympathy. "Lung damage is never fun."
McGee's lips curled up in the beginnings of a smile- another thing that had probably not happened in far too long. But it didn't quite reach his eyes, which only made what Tony had to say even harder.
"Tim…you shouldn't even be going to work today. You hardly look fit to be out of your apartment."
"I'm fine, Tony. Really. I'm sorry I worried you, but I feel better now. Give me a few more days and I'll be back to normal."
The older man was caught between calling bullshit on this statement and frowning in concern. Either Tim was already retreating back behind his facade, or he genuinely thought he was okay now, which was clearly untrue. If the latter, then he could get himself in even more trouble- it's one thing to be desperate, but it's far more dangerous to overestimate one's own limits, both physical and emotional.
DiNozzo said nothing and watched his friend carefully from the corner of his eye. He knew he'd have to tell Gibbs about this, but if McGee knew that he was going to do it, the junior agent would be mortified. There was a reason Tim didn't go to their boss about this, and Tony knew that McGee had only revealed his struggles the previous night in a moment of weakness. The fact that it was a secret, that Tim would prefer if Tony kept it to himself, well…that went without saying.
But Tim put his friend in a corner when he said it anyway.
"Hey, don't tell Gibbs about this, ok? I don't want him to bench me just because of some personal issues."
Tony did nothing, and Tim took his silence for the affirmative and went to shower.
It wasn't personal issues- his dad, his sister, his ex-girlfriend, none of those things were the reason for his current state of mind. It wasn't anything Tony could fix easily, and he knew it. Whatever needed to be done, DiNozzo realized that things were going to get worse before they got better.
…..
Since he didn't have to shower and was already dressed, Tony left Tim's house thirty minutes before his friend did, making it one of those rare times where DiNozzo actually made it into work before McGee. Pulling his backup clothes and toothbrush from his desk drawer, the senior agent was actually glad that he used to spend so many nights 'out' with women- if not, he might never have started the habit of keeping the backups in the first place. And what was even luckier was that he'd made it in before Ziva and McGee, meaning he could talk to Gibbs alone.
When the team leader entered the bullpen with his coffee and saw that Tony was the first into work, his eyebrows raised in surprise but he merely glanced at his agent's wrinkled suit from the day before and said, "Long night, DiNozzo?"
"Sort of, Boss. Actually, we need to talk about something."
It was rare that his agents approached him about an issue at work, but Tony's appearance, coupled with the circles under his eyes and the fact that he was so early, told Gibbs that it was important.
"Ok," the older man nodded, picking up his coffee and gesturing towards the elevator, and Tony was about to follow Jethro into his "office" when the doors opened and McGee stepped off.
"Morning, Boss. Oh hey, Tony," Tim said, a hint of cheer in his voice. It was amazing the effect one good night's sleep could have. Gibbs noticed that while his agent looked relatively better, he still looked like hell. As the youngest of the three went to his desk, Tony backed up and said with feigned nonchalance, "It's ok, Boss, it can wait."
Gibbs' expression of bemusement went away when DiNozzo subtly glanced back at McGee, letting Jethro know that Tim would be the subject of their conversation. Apparently, Tony didn't want McGee to know they were talking about him. Gibbs nodded and the two went back to their desks. Ziva soon entered the bullpen and after some banter about how DiNozzo was never at work on time, the team leader spoke up.
"Cold cases today. McGee, you and Ziva go down to records and find us something."
"But Boss, can't I just do it on the computer?"
Gibbs gave his agent the trademark glare, and Tim went silent.
"Come on, McGee, it will be a good change of scenery," Ziva teased, as unaware as Tim about what was going on.
After they left, the two older members of the Major Case Response Team entered the elevator and promptly shut it off.
"Alright, DiNozzo," Gibbs invited. "What's wrong?"
Without further prompting, Tony launched into his story, explaining McGee's odd behavior over the previous few months, pointing out the junior agent's unhealthy, exhausted demeanor, mentioning the overseas mission, and closing with the conversation they'd had the night before. Gibbs listened in silence, his eyebrows knitting together with every detail. Soon, guilt and annoyance at himself bubbled up in his chest. Tim had clearly been unwell for a while, and he'd missed it.
"He did a pretty decent job of hiding it, Boss," Tony said as if reading his mind. "We were all tired and stressed. That's why I wrote it off as nothing."
Jethro nodded, and suddenly noticed how upset DiNozzo looked.
"You did the right thing by telling me, Tony."
"I know, but it sure doesn't feel that way. I think we should tell Ducky about this, too."
Jethro nodded in agreement and flipped on the elevator before directing it to the basement. Tony looked at the floor, hoping he'd done the right thing by telling Gibbs. Honestly, he wanted to tell Ziva and Abby, because he knew that as McGee's friends, they'd want to know what was going on so that they might help. But Tim wanted to keep this to himself, so it was probably best that as few people knew about these problems as possible.
While Ducky was no psychiatrist, he was trained in forensic psychology, and as a doctor he knew enough about mental health to be useful. Plus, he acted as the team's proxy physician, and if Tim wouldn't see Dr. Cranston, then at least one licensed medical professional should know of his problems. Besides, it would be good to have someone on their side who was both level-headed and capable of dealing with complicated emotions. The only person on their team who fit the bill was Doctor Mallard.
The doors to autopsy swished open, and Ducky and Jimmy both looked up in surprise.
"Ah, Jethro. Tony," Ducky greeted, glancing at the clock. "We don't have a case already, do we? I'm afraid both of us just got here."
"No case, Duck," Gibbs said, throwing Palmer a glance that Jimmy knew all too well.
"I…I'm gonna go get some breakfast," the autopsy gremlin said; it was too early for him to be needed anywhere else, so he figured he'd make the most of the free time.
When he was gone, Tony retold his story, and the doctor listened intently, asking questions on occasion, and by the end of DiNozzo's little speech, he wore a similar expression to the one Gibbs had on his face.
"Oh dear," the elderly ME sighed. "I'd thought something was the matter, but I assumed it was just stress. Obviously I was wrong. I'm guessing he asked you not to tell anyone about his struggles?"
"Yeah," Tony muttered, feeling miserable that he'd broken his friend's trust.
"You did the right thing by telling us, Tony," Ducky assured him, though the senior agent didn't feel any better hearing it the second time. In fact, he felt like a child for telling on his friend like this. Like a snitch.
"So the question is, how do we help Timothy through this without making him feel like he's being ganged-up on."
"First, we gotta bench him," Gibbs said.
"No, Boss, you can't send him home. It'll just make things worse."
"DiNozzo…" Gibbs began, his frustration apparent.
"Actually Jethro, I agree with Tony," Ducky put in gently. "If Timothy's greatest fear at the moment is the idea of being useless to you, if he's convinced that you all would be more than able to carry on without him, then sending him home would only prove it. Besides, it is very likely that he keeps so busy in order to distract himself from his own thoughts. Time off would allow him to focus entirely on his problems, which, given his current state of mind, might be dangerous if he does so without the help of a professional."
"Sure, Duck, but he can't go into the field like that," Gibbs argued, already upset with himself that he'd missed all the signs of McGee's distress. This debate was not helping.
"You're right, but I think that-"
The doctor was interrupted when the doors to autopsy swished open and Vance appeared.
"Director," Ducky greeted in surprise. "It's rare that I see you down here."
"I wanted to talk to you about Agent McGee, although something tells me that's what you're doing right now."
"How the hell could you let him sign up for a taskforce without telling me, Leon?"
"Save it, Gibbs, it's not my decision to announce private information about an agent until I have reason to believe that there's something wrong. Which is why I wanted to talk to Doctor Mallard. I appreciate the files you sent, but I just heard something about Agent McGee running into a burning building yesterday? Why didn't you tell me anything, Gibbs?"
"I reported it, Leon. It had nothing to do with our case."
"Fine, but I'm requiring that the agents in the running to join the taskforce undergo a psych evaluation before they're officially cleared to submit their names for consideration. I want the agent chosen to come back alive and that's not going to happen if they're likely to play hero in a war zone."
Tony bristled at the implications, but his Boss reacted with real anger.
"That's McGee you're talking about, Leon," the team leader said, getting up in the director's face. "He saved a bunch of kids yesterday."
"Then put his name in for an award and make sure he stays here where we need him. Don't give me that look, Gibbs, I wasn't accusing Agent McGee of being a glory hound. But your team is famous for taking personal risks and I thought McGee was the exception. I'm not gonna lose the only agent willing to take that desk because he's picked up some bad habits from you."
"I think that is a good idea," Ducky interrupted before things could get too heated. "The psychological evaluations. It should be required of anyone entering a task force; not just for Timothy, but for all the agents."
"Good," Vance nodded. "I just wanted to consult with someone who knows what they're talking about before I called in the psych team."
"Let me know if you need anything else, Director."
"I will. And Gibbs, if there's something going on with your team that you're not telling me…"
"I'll take care of it, Leon."
Vance nodded, knowing he wouldn't get anything else from the team leader while Ducky and DiNozzo were there. With a final glance at Gibbs, he left autopsy and the two agents turned towards the ME quizzically.
"If what you've told us is true, Anthony" Ducky explained. "Then there is no way that Timothy will pass a psychological evaluation, even if he has been skilled at hiding things from us. If he fails it, then he will be required to talk to me and to a psychiatrist before he's cleared for field work again. Perhaps I can convince him to get the help he needs.
….
A few hours later, Tim left the exam room with his ears tinged pink. The other agents applying for the taskforce position looked up, waiting for their names to be called. He stormed out the room, clutching a handful of documents. The psychologist who'd conducted the test followed behind.
"I will be in Director Vance's office as soon as this is over," the man said. Tim merely nodded and left.
Tony looked up when Tim walked past the bullpen, and was surprised by the stormy expression on the younger man's face.
"Hey, McGee, what's wrong?"
"I didn't qualify for the mission," Tim muttered, not stopping at his desk. DiNozzo felt awful for taking the spot away from his friend, but he knew he'd done the right thing. If Tim couldn't even convince a stranger that he was alright, then he definitely should not be allowed to join a taskforce in an extremely dangerous corner of the world.
Tony got up and followed McGee. "Sorry man. But those emails get sent out all the time. The next one-"
"They said I shouldn't even qualify for field duty. I have to do a full psych review before I'm allowed back at work."
"That's probably not a bad thing-"
McGee stopped short, almost causing Tony to run into him, but the younger man looked angry for another reason. "You told Vance, didn't you?"
Damn, DiNozzo often forgot how astute Tim could be. "No! I swear I didn't, McGee."
It wasn't a lie, at least. He hadn't told the director a thing.
"Sure." It was clear that Tim didn't believe him, and he turned, heading for the stairs up to the Director's office and shaking off the hand DiNozzo put on his shoulder. "Leave me alone, Tony. I have to go get my job back."