Marissa glanced down at the shaking hands in her lap, not believing for a second that they were hers
Marissa glanced down at the shaking hands in her lap, not believing for a second that they were hers. They could barely stay still for a second with all the apprehension in her system and she could only glance out in front of her at the pier and ocean for some support. It was a rather gloomy day, the sky a gray color, something that she was accustomed to from living in Boston but the realization of it happening in Newport was shocking. She glanced down at her hands once again, staring at the ring on her finger, the familiar claddagh ring that she had been three years before.
She smiled sadly as she remembered the memory.
It was Christmas time. The Cohen's, Coopers, and Summer had decided to spend Christmas in a beautiful cabin in the Aspen mountains of Colorado. They had their own tree in the house and all their presents adorning its base. Ryan and Marissa decided to take the West Wing of the house, considering it was large enough to do so. They spent Christmas Eve making love all night long, losing themselves in each other and embracing the spirit of Christmas.
It was their junior year of college, and it was Christmas time… so in their eyes it was seen as something to celebrate. They skied and snowboarded, or in Ryan's case, fell clumsily down the mountain on ski's as he tried to keep up with Marissa. Of course his lack of adroitness on the mountains and the sports that it was comprised of was seen as the humor of one day but Ryan quickly regained his power when he found the perfect Christmas tree for the cabin.
On Christmas morning, they all awoke to the eerie silence of the mountains and snow and did not rush to open gifts together. Marissa nuzzled her head in Ryan's neck sleepily as the first signs of morning came across her eyes through the curtains. Ryan, being already fully awake, pulled her in closer to his body and sighed happily as his felt the flutter of his eyelashes on his neck. "Merry Christmas" he whispered softly in her ear as he kissed the top of her head.
Marissa slowly pulled her head out of his neck and retreated to her side of the bed, eliciting a smirk from Ryan as she tried to get under the blankets once again and get warm. She glanced up at from under the covers and he leaned down and kissed her forehead before getting under the blankets as well and pulling her body back to his. "Merry Christmas" she said softly and he ran his fingers through her long hair, reminding her that she needed to get a haircut.
"Christmakkuh" she felt herself say a few seconds later, pulling a small chuckle out of Ryan. "Ah that's right…I forgot" he said quietly. They stayed still for a few minutes before he started to get out of the bed and she pulled him back in, "no… don't get up, I'll get cold" she said, the tone of whining clearly displayed in her voice. Ryan laughed softly and continued to get up, "I need to brush my teeth and grab something" he explained and she just nodded before grabbing her robe. She wrapped her robe around her and stood up, thinking it was a good time to brush her teeth and go to the bathroom before he came back.
She got back into bed and waited patiently for him to come back into the room. She watched as he shuffled in, his pajama pants brushing against the hardwood floors as he walked across the bedroom floor. He got back into bed next to her and pulled out a little bag, she looked at the bag excitedly and suddenly remembered, it was a gift and a tradition that they had. They would give each other one gift before they opened gifts as a family and then save one gift for each other for after they opened their gifts.
She leaned over the side of the bed, peering underneath and grabbed the heavy gift for him that she had secretly placed there. She handed him his first and he kissed her softly, "tell me if you hate it okay?" she said. He slowly tore the wrapping paper and smiled instantly when he saw the gift, it was an original edition of "The Great Gatsby" something that he had always wanted but could never find in any store. "Do you like it?" she asked hopefully.
Ryan smiled and kissed her softly, "I love it… how'd you know?" he asked sincerely. Marissa laughed softly, "You only asked every single bookstore we went to if they had it, so I just went online and found one… I knew you loved the book, you'd said so in high school" she answered simply. Ryan went through some of the pages and smiled, he peered up at her and leaned over and kissed her softly, "thank you" he said and she smiled. He placed down his gift and handed her the small holiday decorate bag.
Marissa pulled the wrapping out of the bag and pulled the box out of the bag, looking up at Ryan curiously and he smiled, "I know it's too soon for that…this is something else" he answered and she opened the box to find an Irish Claddagh ring with a diamond encrusted in the heart. She smiled and looked up at him, "I've gotten you so many pieces of jewelry… I just thought something like this meant something more" he answered and she slipped it on her finger, letting the heart face outwards.
Ryan grabbed her hand and pulled the ring off, turning it around, "the story of the Claddagh ring is that when you wear it, if the heart is facing outward then you're looking for love…but if the heart is facing your heart" Ryan said slowly as he pushed the ring up her finger, "then it means your heart is taken…and with that, I make a promise to you" he said softly and she smiled as she glanced at the ring on her finger. "I'm not going to promise that I'll love your forever… because I already know I will do that even if I try not to…but I will promise that I will not love anyone else more than you, no matter what happens down the road" he said softly as he put his hand around her cheek, pulling her face in closer to his. "I know that we haven't been a perfect couple… and that we may fall apart and be with other people… but this ring won't fall apart" he said and she closed the space between them and kissed him passionately, pulling his body on top of hers.
Marissa gasped as she felt him kiss down her neck, "I love you" Marissa said as he pulled her robe off her body, throwing it carelessly off the bed. "I love you too" he said as she bit her lip from moaning as his hands grasped her body.
Marissa felt the memory overtake her body, allowing all these emotions to hit her even harder than they had been in the past few days. She glanced down at her hands and noticed that the shaking had stopped and knew that the only things that stopped the shaking were the memories of when she was happy, sincerely happy. She looked around at the diner and noticed that she was practically the only customer, the only other were what looked two friends eating lunch together, something that she would be doing any second now.
Eating lunch with a friend, a friend… the word didn't sound right in her head when it was meant Ryan. They were friends, that's all they could be because she left and he's happy and she's the old maid who will forever be alone with her cats and she felt herself roll her eyes at the thoughts running through her mind. She looked up at she heard the door to the diner open and Ryan step through.
He was dressed casually but she looked at him and saw herself at sixteen again. She remembered their sophomore year and all the events that happened. She looked at the jeans and clean white t-shirt he wore, but his outfit wasn't complete without his black leather jacket and boots. He looked over to her and smiled softly, slowing making his way over to where she sat. She got up and gave him a hug, "hey you" he said quietly and they sat down. "How are you?" he asked and she shrugged, "bad question huh?" he responded and she weakly smiled.
"It's hard… you know? It's like you go your whole life looking at the people who made you who you are" she started softly, feeling the familiar reaction of her eyes filling with tears, ignoring the clump in her throat. "And you somehow convince yourself that they'll always be there, no matter what… until the day they have to leave for good… and all you're expectations come crashing down on you" she finished softly, a small tear making it's way down her cheek. Ryan stared at her in awe and sympathy, never hearing her express her grief so explicitly before. "I guess all I can think is of all the things that he'll miss…he won't be at my wedding… or even see when I have kids." Marissa wiped her cheeks, feeling almost embarrassed for losing herself so early in the lunch.
"I'm so sorry Ryan… you probably weren't expecting a saga from the simple question of 'how are you', were you?" she said with a weak laugh. He genuinely smiled, and placed his hand on hers, his eyes staring at her so deeply, she felt that it would go through her, "its okay… I'd be worried if you didn't feel this strongly" he said and she nodded her head. "Besides, it wouldn't be a true Ryan and Marissa conversation if you didn't start crying, right?" he said with a laugh and she couldn't help but laugh also.
Marissa took napkin and lightly dabbed underneath her eye, "my makeup is probably a mess" she said and he shook his head, "no it's not… you look great" he said with a sincere smile. She smiled back and felt the same tension build like it did when they were in their teenage years. The sound of thunder broke their trance and they both turned to the windows to see the sky's opening up to allow rain to come crashing through. "Wow, this place is more and more like Boston every day" Marissa muttered, disappointed that it was raining. "How is Boston?" Ryan asked and Marissa lightly smiled, "its okay… it's hard to be so far away… but it's what I needed. There's so much in Boston… there's four seasons, something we don't experience here, and there's snow. I mean the accents are a lot to handle at times but I got used to it" Marissa said and Ryan laughed. "I can tell… you sound like you're from Boston now" and she playfully glared at him.
They continued talking through lunch, going back in time and laughing at how things used to be when they were younger. But not once, Marissa noticed, did Ryan remember to mention his girlfriend, which somehow triggered the thought of how important she really was to him.
As they finished lunch, they realized that the rain was not going to clear up any time soon and that they would need to suffer together walking through the rain. "Where'd you park your car?" Ryan asked. She thought for a second and felt herself groan, feeling stupid at what she forgot, "what's wrong?" he asked. Marissa felt herself roll her eyes at her stupidity, "I don't have a car… I had my mom drop me off because she was going to go to the store and then to some more errands, and I don't think she'll be home for like another hour" she said.
Ryan pulled off his leather jacket, "well when I say run, follow me to my car, I can just drop you off" he said. "Are you sure?" she asked, not wanting to bother him. "Of course I'm sure… you're right next door" he said with a smile and put the leather jacket over both of them, causing Marissa to get extra close to Ryan. "Run!" he said loudly and they both ran towards Ryan's car, hastily jumping in the car, trying to wipe off the excessive amount of rain from their bodies.
They drove quietly back to Marissa's house, Ryan being the gentlemen he was, walker her to her door with the leather jacket over their heads. As soon as the roof covered them, he pulled his jacket down, smiling softly at her. "I had fun today… I missed talking to you" he said and she felt a authentic smile come easily onto her face. "Me too…I don't leave here for another few weeks, so give me a call… so we can do this again" she said and he nodded his head. He leaned in and softly kissed her cheek, and pulled back slowly, looking into her eyes for a brief moment and took in her beautiful face, before putting the jacket back over his head and running back to his car. She waved to him as he backed out of the driveway, and she went inside.
She looked into the living room to see Julie and Caitlin sprawled out on the couches, watching Lifetime. "Hey guys" Marissa said softly as she hung up her wet sweater. "Hey" they said in unison as she came over to the couches and took a seat next to Julie. "How was lunch with your lover-boy?" Caitlin asked with a smirk. "He is not my lover-boy… and it was fine" Marissa answered with a small glare, Julie couldn't help but notice her sudden defensiveness and decided to play along. "Oh really? He seemed quite friendly when he kissed your cheek at the door… it looked like something a little bit more" Julie said teasingly. Marissa scoffed and ran a hand through her hair, "well it's not and won't be ever again" Marissa muttered. "Oh come on... who are you trying to fool? You still love each other" Caitlin said and Marissa found herself standing up suddenly.
"No! No we don't love each other, Ryan has a girlfriend, and I have moved on… it's not going to happen" she said irritably as she started to make her way to her bedroom, feeling this conversation becoming too uncomfortable for her to handle. Julie and Caitlin started laughing and Marissa felt herself roll her eyes as she heard her mother yell out to her, "Marissa… denial isn't just a river in Egypt… it's a freakin' ocean." That quote and the sound of her mother and sister laughing was all Marissa could hear for the next hour. But it didn't matter, because she wasn't in denial, right?