Chapter title is from the line in The Lobster Quadrille from Alice in Wonderland: 'Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?' It's been stuck in my head for weeks!

Chapter 16: Will You or Won't You?

Ys Street, Haven City

'Fowl?' Mulch answered on the third ring. 'How'd you get my number?'

'Let's just say I know…people,' said Artemis, glancing at Vinyáya. She nodded to him to continue.

'Heard all about the hooha you've started, Mud Boy. That message and everything.' There was a pause, in which Artemis distinctly heard the sound of dwarf molars crunching an unfortunate carrot to death. 'Need my help, do you?'

'How very astute of you, Mulch. Yes, actually, I do need your help.'

'Aha! Again! I knew it, Fowl, you can't do anything without help from me –'

'I need your help to rescue Holly.'

There was a cough, and then Mulch said, slowly, 'What happened?'

'She was kidnapped. By LEP officers.'

The laugh that burst out from Mulch wasn't a pleasant sound you wanted to hear over the phone. 'She's been kidnapped? By LEP themselves? And you want me to help save her?' There was a decidedly loud snort of derision from his end. 'Artemis Fowl wants me to help rescue Holly Short. From the LEP. Actually, that is very ironic –'

'Mulch, can you or can't you help me?' the boy cut in impatiently. 'We can't determine her status right now, because – well – we don't have the information.'

'Where is she then?'

'The old dwarf mines at Liquorice Hill.'

'Hmph. Those mines. I used to work there for a bit, me and my cousin Nord. Bled dry within thirty years. Not a good place to go, really. They were closed after we dwarfs up and left.'

'Yes…but we've determined that her signal's coming from there.'

'Might have been a ruse, Fowl, have you thought of that?' said Mulch, sniggering. 'I heard what happened with that Koboi psycho when she left her helmet and escaped. Furty's told me all about it.'

'Hold on a second.' Artemis covered the mouthpiece of the phone he had borrowed from Iris and turned to speak to her. 'Holly's signal. Is it from her helmet or her jumpsuit?'

'Her…phone, actually. That was the only one I could get,' Iris replied, wide-eyed. 'Why? Isn't it good enough?'

'It's from her phone, Mulch,' said Artemis, not liking what he had to say to the dwarf.

'Huh. Her phone. Someone could have chucked it down the mines and dumped her elsewhere.' Mulch hummed to himself absently, mulling over the options. 'Who are these people you're with? I just heard the news that you were in Atlantis.'

'I escaped,' Artemis said. 'With a fork.'

'Don't mess with me, Mud Boy, we have a problem here. So you want me to tunnel into the mines and see if she's in there somewhere? Or her phone, perhaps?'

'I can't put it plainer myself. Would you do it, for Holly?' asked Artemis.

'You know, this really makes me think.' There was a sucking sound as Mulch finished the last of the carrot. 'But I think I'd do it. For old times' sake.'

'I'm sure Holly would appreciate it, Mulch. Now, where are we going to meet?'

'Wait – you're coming with me?'

'Yes,' Artemis said, as Iris's shoulders started to shake suspiciously. 'It's the most I can do for Holly, for getting her into this mess.'

'You? I'm not seeing it, Artemis, so you'd better explain it to me when I see you. Meet me at Liquorice Hill, along End Street, not many fairies there. Your friend Butler there with you?'

'Unfortunately, he isn't with me right now. I'll see you there, Mulch.'

'Oh boy,' said Mulch, shaking his head as he put down the phone, 'we're going to be in so much trouble.'

'You're going to be in so much trouble,' Iris echoed, all the way in the Old Quarter. 'Do you realize what you're doing, Arty boy?'

'Yes, Iris. Now if you would hand me any weapons that would be suitable for me?' he said, heading over to the weapons table.

'I've got a few.' Iris jumped up from her seat and went over to the table with him. 'But first – I need you to get out of that jacket. It's too showy.' She knelt down and dragged a box from beneath the table. 'What are you – a size 10 or 11?'

'I'm not sure,' he said, watching as she pulled grey material out of the box. 'Are those uniforms?'

'Yep. Our uniform.' Iris stood up, holding something that resembled a baggy tracksuit top. 'Here you go. It's long enough, but I'm afraid the shoulders would be too big, since, you know, yours aren't that manly.' She giggled and held out a hand for Artemis's jacket.

He shrugged off the jacket and handed it over to the fairy. 'It's not necessary, I think,' he said uncertainly.

'No. You're one of us now, so put it on, Arty boy.' She threw the hoodie at his head and stuffed the jacket into the box with the rest of the uniforms before kicking it under the table. 'Besides, you're not supposed to be seen.'

He pulled on the top and swallowed his protests. This was no time to worry about the state of his clothes. Holly had been in the mines for quite some time, and then they would have to get her out…

'I think you can have this,' Iris was saying, as he zipped up the uniform. She placed an old Neutrino in his hands and grinned. 'The Neutrino 98. Two settings only, and mind you don't use the second one, because it's a bit wonky. Here, have a go at the dummy there.' She pushed Artemis to face the practice dummy at the end of the room. 'Aim and shoot. Idiot-proof.'

He pressed the trigger, once. A charred hole formed on the dummy's cheek, smoking slightly.

'It's not supposed to do that,' said Iris, frowning. 'Ah well. That's the best you can have. Oh, and let me see…ah, my disco balls!'

She held up two silver spheres the size of tennis balls, and dropped one into Artemis's pocket. 'This, my boy, is what I call a light bomb, although the term itself is grossly inaccurate and would make me smash walls if I knew how. It's based on a similar one invented by Foaly himself, but I've tinkered with it a bit. Besides inducing mass unconsciousness, I've also added colour filters to it, which means that it makes a lovely light show when you have a party.' She giggled and touched the single button on the top of the sphere. 'Press this to start the light show.' She twisted the ring around the equator of the sphere, which had Gnommish numerals on it. 'Set the time for the flash here – it goes from one second up to half an hour. I haven't added the filters, but that doesn't matter, seeing as you're not going to a party. And mind you, it's bright. Think of this as a magnesium flare with time control.' She paused and dropped the second ball into Artemis's pocket. 'Except without the magnesium, of course, or it would burn your pants off if you set it off accidentally. And voila – those were my Disco Balls.'

'I take it that they should be used as a diversion?' said Artemis, patting his pocket as a plan formed in his head.

'Oh yep. Unless you plan to chuck it at someone's head. Thing is – and I have to warn you – if you set the light for too long, it might cause blindness. Might, but I'm not too sure. So make sure you're not looking straight at it when you want to get away.'

'I'll remember that,' he said.

She beamed at him and patted his shoulder. 'Be careful with the Neutrino, all right? First setting only. You might fry your hand off with the second.'

'Don't worry,' he said, slipping the Neutrino into his other pocket. It was about the size of a small toy gun, and stayed pretty well hidden in the pocket.

'Oh, and one more thing – iris-cams!' Iris leaned over the table and grabbed one of the plastic containers arranged in neat rows against the wall. 'The older models, of course. Section Eight was accumulating all that junk over the years, but am I lucky to get my grubby hands on them…ho hum, what colour are your eyes?' She looked up into Artemis's eyes and chuckled. 'Which colour do you want? Blue or hazel?'

'Blue,' he said, taking the coloured lens she held out between a pair of tweezers. He placed it over his eye and blinked back tears as the iris-cam adjusted itself to his eye.

'I'll be watching back here.' Iris gestured to the computers. 'V's worried about you, all right. Told me to pull out all the stops for you. Speaking of which…' She handed him a tiny flesh-coloured cylinder. 'Earpiece.' And then a square patch of flesh-coloured material. 'Throat mike.' She shook her head and raised her eyes to Haven. 'I should just pack up my lab in a bag and follow you all the way, Arty boy.'

He was about to make a retort when Vinyáya looked over the row of computers at him.

'Come on then,' she said. 'We have to go.'

'Artemis!' Iris hissed, pulling at his arm as he made to follow Vinyáya. 'I haven't assigned you a password. Here, say this when you're at the front door.' She shoved a folded piece of paper into his hand. 'Memorize and destroy this, okay? Or I might be forced to zing you to pieces.'

He glanced at the words scribbled on the paper before he tucked it into his breast pocket. 'Mad as a maenad,' he remarked, apropos of nothing.

'Stark raving mad,' Iris laughed, pushing him out the door.

Liquorice Hill, Haven City

'Is that Diggums?' said Vinyáya, peering round the corner of End Street, with Artemis behind her.

He looked over the top of her head to the squat figure standing under a burnt-out lamppost. Mulch waved to him, grinning widely.

'Yes, that's him,' Artemis confirmed, stepping back. 'I should go meet him.'

'All the best to you, Artemis.' Vinyáya shook his hand warmly. 'Meet me here when you're done; I'll send someone to take you and Holly back to our HQ. Ask the person for Iris's favourite joke – we're the only ones who know what it is.'

'I will,' he replied. 'Thank you, Commander.'

Vinyáya waved to him and disappeared down a side street, her silver hair hidden beneath the grey hood of her uniform. Artemis didn't bother to do the same – the street was deserted, as Mulch had said, and his dark hair wasn't as conspicuous as the elf's anyway.

'Artemis Fowl himself comes to rescue Holly Short from a kidnapping,' said Mulch, as the boy walked up to him. 'History repeats itself and comes back to bite its own tail.'

'Do you have a plan, Mulch?' asked Artemis, as he looked up and down the street. The other end of the street was a dead end, where the mines had been sealed years ago. There seemed to be no way of getting into the mines through the solid rock walls either.

'Not really. But I can see the general shape.' Mulch ambled to the tunnel wall on the left and placed a hand on the rough surface. 'I know this place well, so you've called the right man for the job.' He winked and let his beard hair fan out over the rock. 'Let's see, vibrations…which are suspicious, 'cos the mines are supposed to be sealed.' He pressed an ear to the wall and listened for several moments. 'Technically you can get a shuttle in there when the tunnel shafts were open, but how did they?'

'So what do you suggest we do then?' said Artemis, placing his hand against the rock wall. He could feel a definite vibration in the rock, as though there was some heavy machinery or passing vehicle on the other side. 'Can you tunnel through?'

'You don't have a plan? Isn't that shocking. No, not through the rock,' said Mulch, moving along the wall with his hands splayed on the surface. He stopped and reached down to press a hand against a patch of the wall near his knee. 'This'd do.'

'And what is that?'

'One of the pipes for the water supply.' Mulch got down on his knees and wriggled his fingers into what appeared to be impenetrable rock. His fingers sank all the way through to his knuckles. 'We should be able to get through that. It's just clay.'

'And then once we're through – '

'My instincts are telling me that they've got the tunnel open on the other side,' said Mulch, pulling out a handful of earth and licking it. 'That kind of vibration – usually it's a vehicle. We dwarfs can tell the difference.'

'So supposing that Holly's in there somewhere,' said Artemis, 'we need to create a diversion, during which one of us will get to her and pull her to safety.'

'Yeah.' Mulch swallowed the handful of earth and grinned. 'So are you up for it, Mud Boy? Or am I going to be the hero and you the sidekick?'

'Yeah, Arty boy,' said a sly voice in his ear, 'what is it going to be? The hero or the sidekick?'

He knelt down beside the dwarf and stared at the circle Mulch had dug out. 'How big is this pipe again?' he said.

A/N: Two chapters at once now - the story's been mouldering in my comp for the past month or so. I'm still editing it...maybe I won't ever stop until I post the whole thing here. The Inner Editor screams for attention and is never satisfied.