I hated this feeling.
Just as it was the night before when I waited for news on my Dad's condition, my stomach was in knots, and I was desperate to throw up.
I look down at my outfit. My long, flowing, brown locks are naturally curled and pulled back into a half ponytail. The white Alexander McQueen knitted dress with black flower patterns hits my knees. Because the rest of the world actually has seasons, I pair it with black tights leggings and knee length black boots.
As I pace the near empty hallway, my heels echoing against the walls, Liam watches me while he sips his coffee. It's one of the things I love most about him, he knows when to try and calm me down and when to give me my space to work things through on my own.
There's still fourty minutes before we meet with the Judge. When I had demanded the night before that we leave the house at 7:45, over an hour before our meeting, Liam doesn't question it. He simply nods and says 'okay'.
Finally giving up, I sit down on the bench next to him. He takes my hand in his, picks it up and kisses it.
"Deep breaths love, you need to be confident and put together. You're the best choice, make sure the Judge sees that too."
I nod my head, trying so hard to remind myself to calm down. My phone begins to light up and buzz. I look down. It's my publicist calling. Shit, this isn't going to be good.
"Liz, please be calm. Deep clea-"
"Calm my ass! Jennifer Shrader Lawrence, have you completely lost your mind?! Do you have any idea...I just...fuck! I can't even form a sentence correctly!"
"Look, I know this is a bit of a surprise." I explain as I begin to pace again.
"A surprise? A surprise is when you leave the country without telling me! This, this is...Jesus Christ, I don't even know what this is!"
I had a tendency to be a publicists worst nightmare at times. I was impulsive, outspoken, and often times inappropriate. There were many a times Liz was on the phone trying to defuse things.
"No, sir, I can assure you, it was supposed to be a joke. First Wives Club?"
"Yes...uh-huh, uh-huh, yes I know that she is not supposed to be swearing on national television."
"I really don't care if parents are freaking out, she is not really Katniss Everdeen, she's Jennifer Lawrence and she's twenty two years old! If she wants to go out and get drunk, she's earned the right!"
But adopting a child on a whim took the cake.
"How do you expect me to keep this out of the press? I'm a publicist, not a miracle worker! Not to mention the amount of money the studio is losing with you being out." She fretted.
"Were in post production anyway. You and I both know it isn't that big of a deal."
I could hear her sigh heavily.
"Jenn, as your publicist, and someone who has known you for eight years now, I have to say it. This is going to kill your career. You are one of the most sought after actresses in Hollywood right now, you have worked so damn hard to get here. You are in your prime, you could easy make four movies a year. Is this child really worth throwing all of that away?"
"Yes."
I didn't hesitate. I didn't need time to think about it. The answer was yes.
"Liz, you may never understand my decision, and that's fine. All I ask is that you respect it. I'm doing what I feel is best for me...and best for this child. Things are going to be different, of course. But rest assured, I'm not going anywhere."
Hanging up the phone, I blew out a breath and tried my best not to cry.
At that same moment, the glass doors opened wide, and Kathy walked in with Brielle right by her side. Her hair was washed, and had been brushed into French braided pigtails. Under a new navy pea coat, she wore a sleeveless, knee length, satin turquoise dress with flowers around the waist. A white long sleeved sweater covered her arms. Her white tights and silver shoes completed her outfit. She had been completely cleaned from head to toe, and was stunningly beautiful.
Talking to Kathy as they went through security, Brielle pointed to me and smiled shyly. Suddenly, the giant knot in my stomach dissipated. This was what it was all about. Seeing the little girl in front of me, looking so happy and healthy, I was reminded once again why I was doing this.
They made their way up the stairs, and I knew then that it was useless to try and stop the tears. Bending down to the ground, I stretched my arms wide, and she came running. Holding her in my arms, I stood up and spun her around, gripping her tightly against my chest as I kissed her hair. Pulling back, I released a breath as I took all of her in.
"Jenn, why are you crying?" She asked as she wiped away my tears.
"Because I am so happy to see you. And sometimes, when you're so happy, you cry a little." I explained.
Carrying Brielle in my arms, we walked over to sit with Liam on the bench as the three of us got reacquainted.
"Brielle unfortunately cannot come into the courtroom with us, but an officer will sit with her out here. We shouldn't be too long, and I've brought along a coloring book and crayons for her while she's waiting." Kathy explained.
"Jenn, if it's alright with you, I'll wait out here with her too." Liam offered.
I nodded my head in agreement. "Yeah, I think she'd like that."
"Case number 7643981 will now be heard in courtroom two. All parties please join us inside." An officer announced. Kathy glanced over at me.
"That's us."
A uniformed officer made his way out and introduced himself to us. I bent down to say goodbye to Brielle once more.
"You're going to stay out here with Liam and Officer Rawlins while Kathy and I go talk with the Judge for a few minutes, okay?"
She nodded her head and I rubbed her cheek with the back of my hand. Kissing her on the forehead, I got up and took a deep breath. It all came down to this moment.
"The honorable Judge Samuel Garrison now residing, all rise."
We all stood as an older gentleman in a dark robe made his way into court.
"Thank you, you may be seated." He announced.
"Now, let's see here..." He began as he lowered his glasses to read over the papers in front of him. "Mrs. Holt, the court will hear your case now."
"Thank you, your honor." Kathy stated as she stood up in her chair.
"Judge Garrison, we've gathered together this morning to seek an emergency custody order for Miss. Jennifer Lawrence in regards to minor Brielle Davis."
"I see...what is the mother's status at this time?" He questioned.
"Stable, your honor. Marnie Davis arrived at the University of Louisville Hospital at approximately 10:17pm on Wednesday, December 10th due to a heroin overdose. This makes her 4th overdose in six years. Multiple stints in rehab have not seemed to have made a difference." Kathy explained, driving the point home with the mention of rehab. "Brielle was in Marnie's care when she arrived at the hospital. She wore a sun dress with sandals and no coat."
The judge, a rather serious man, was quiet as he took in the information. I looked back and forth between him and Kathy, trying to figure out what he was thinking. Kathy patted my hand to try and reassure me.
"Miss. Lawrence?" He asked as he looked up at me. "Where do you come in in the midst of this?"
I took a deep breath, trying to find my voice, when I heard Liam's floating through my head. "Confidence, you're the best choice."
"On the night in question, I was in the University of Louisville Hospital waiting room while my father received open heart surgery after a heart attack. I found Brielle after her mother was rushed into the E.R. Brielle was in my care through the night, and we developed an immediate bond. As someone with the means to provide for a child, it is my wish that I adopt Brielle and give her the life she deserves."
He looked back over to Kathy. "Mrs. Holt?"
"Your honor, the state is looking to terminate Ms. Davis's parental rights. Despite multiple chances, we've seen little improvement in her parenting skills. With no other family that we know of, it is the state's recommendation that custody of Brielle Davis be awarded to Miss. Lawrence."
I turned slightly to glance over at her, thankful for her support. Looking back up at the Judge, he folded his hands and looked back at me.
"Miss. Lawrence, I assume that Mrs. Holt has informed you about not traveling out of state without Brielle unless you are granted custody, correct?"
"Yes, your honor. I have cleared my schedule in Los Angeles to stay here in Louisville until the case can be heard."
He nodded his head. "I'll go ahead and grant the emergency custody order, releasing the minor into the care of Jennifer Shrader Lawrence until we can set up a hearing for adoption."
I felt the tears begin to fall again, my breathing finally back to normal. The first hurdle had been jumped. As the Judge signed the paper, he paused momentarily and looked up.
"Miss. Lawrence, I must ask, do you fully realize what you're getting into? Are you really prepared to put a child ahead of your career?"
With a smile that stretched from ear to ear, I nodded my head. "I already have."
"Very well then. We will reconvene on Monday, December 22nd at 11am for an adoption hearing."
"Thank you your honor." Kathy gushed.
Turning to face her, I was still slightly in shock, and my face showed it. With wide, tear filled eyes, I hugged her tightly.
"Congratulations, kid, were halfway there." She whispered. "I'll see you on the 22nd Jenn. In the meantime, go get Brielle, enjoy your time with her."
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh..." I repeated over and over to myself as my emotions bounced back and forth like a ping pong ball. I walked down the aisle, which seemed to stretch on forever, with one thought in my head.
Getting my girl.
Pushing the doors open wide, I looked over to find her coloring with Liam, right where I had left her. The officer stood next to them, not moving and staring straight ahead.
"Brielle!" I called out.
She lifted her head up and looked over to me. Dropping everything, she ran over. Her eyes were wide and filled with excitement as she started at me.
"Come on baby, we're going home." I whispered.
"Yay!" She cried out.
Picking her up once more, I kissed her repeatedly, relief washing over me. We were going to be okay.
Joining in, Liam hugged and kissed us both. Together, in the middle of the courthouse, we were our own little family in our own little world.
"Come on, we, are going to the park, and then lunch to celebrate, anywhere you want." I explained as we made our way down the steps.
"Anywhere?"
"Anywhere."
"I want chicken nuggets, and a milkshake!"
Smiling, I put her coat on over her.
"I think we can manage that..."
Kathy sat her purse down next to her as she made herself comfortable in the chair.
She listened to the beeping of the machines, and looked over at Marnie, dazed and disoriented, in the hospital bed.
The gown, even in an extra small, was falling off her bony frame. Her lips were chapped and pale, her eyes, sunken in, with heavy bags underneath. Her stringy, unwashed hair was pulled into a ponytail, out of her face.
Kathy thought about the many times she had seen Marnie. The young twenty two year old had been kicked out of her mother's house and on her own since she was fifteen years old and had nothing more than a middle school education. Despite the fact that Kathy had given her multiple chances, had laid everything out in front of Marnie, with every chance to succeed, Marnie fucked things up each and every time. The only difference this time time around, was it was the last time.
"Wha happened?" Marnie asked, her voice cracked and raspy.
"You overdosed again. Heroin." Kathy answered matter of factly. Marnie blinked repeatedly while the information sunk in.
"Where's Bri? What about Bri?"
Kathy shook her head. "She's gone Marnie, I'm sorry."
Marnie didn't understand. What the hell was gone supposed to mean? Gone as in dead? Or gone as in taken?
"What do you mean gone? Where is Brielle?!" She shouted, her anger coming to the surface.
Kathy pulled her chair up closer to the hospital bed. With her hands pressed together against her face, she took a breath and thought hard about how to explain things.
"Marnie, I have given you more chances than I can even count. But in the end, it only ends up hurting Brielle." She explained. Marnie looked at her with hatred and disgust.
"I told you the last time we went through this that if you continued to abuse drugs, you were going to lose her. Marnie the state has begun proceedings to terminate your parental rights."
"No, no! I may not understand your fancy fuckin' language, but I know what you're trying to do here, okay. And you son's of bitches ain't takin' my baby girl. Now don't play with me Kathy! Where the fuck is Brielle?"
Refusing to stoop to her clients level, Kathy remained calm in the face of Marnie's anger.
"I told you, she's gone. A judge awarded temporary guardianship to a woman this morning. If everything goes through as it should, and I imagine it will, she will be taking care of Brielle."
Marnie folded her arms across her chest and shook her head. "Yeah, well, we'll just fuckin' see 'bout that now won't we? Brielle loves me!"
"Yes, Marnie, she does. But I don't think you love her, not more than you love the drugs and sex, anyway."
Getting up from her chair, Kathy grabbed her purse and began to walk out.
"I'll get her back. Just you wait! I always get baby girl back!" Marnie shouted.
Kathy paused and the door and turned around.
"Not this time, Marnie."