Erm. Firstly: So, so sorry to those who put me on their Alerts list...must've been a shock to get so many e-mails in your inboxes. (I know I would be.)

Secondly: I took my time editing and posting the chapters online, but most unfortunately, I've run out of time. Uni starts very soon, and as I have so many things to pack, I was worried that I would leave behind some things. Like this fic, for example. So I took the drastic step of posting all the remaining chapters here in one go...and once classes start, methinks there won't be time for me to come here often. *cries*

Thirdly: A million THANK YOUS to those of you have followed this story and have given me your thoughts on it. I really appreciate it, but all good things must come to an end. (Believe me, it's heartbreaking.)

To bubbles: LOL, thank you! =D The beta blushes and says thank you too. Nope, we can't give you Colfer's autograph - we're still looking for one too!

To silverphoenix: Thank you for the review! Glad you like Iris :P And here are the updates...all in one go. (Oops.)

To SALSA: Thanks for reviewing! Continue reading to find out more :) Hope I answer your questions!

To the beta - a googillion thanks for everything: for your wonderful patience, and your not-hitting-me-over-the-head when I couldn't shut up, and for giving me your invaluable feedback. It's been a beautiful relationship, it is.

Hope you guys have much fun reading this as I had writing it! And now this little newborn baby will be released into the wilderness of the Internet for your eyes; complete, whole and regrettably flawed. *pats fic tearfully*

Disclaimer: Characters, places and anything related to the Artemis Fowl series included in this and subsequent chapters are the property of Eoin Colfer. I own Iris Moonlove though.

Chapter 17: Something to Sneeze At

Liquorice Hill, Haven City

There were, as Vinyáya had predicted, armed LEP officers standing guard within the tunnel of the old dwarf mines. And what was more – the tunnel had been excavated recently to accommodate an LEP shuttle and docking point. Nothing fancy – just the basic equipment to allow the shuttle to dock and return to where it came from. Building a terminal in here would require time and money, and whoever had ordered the tunnel to be cleared didn't have both to spare.

Artemis and Mulch were still in the pipe, separated from the officers within the tunnel by a thin layer of soil Mulch had not digested.

'Okay, here's the plan, Mud Boy,' Mulch whispered, placing a hand on the blocked entrance of the pipe. 'Do I run and get her, or are you going to do it?'

Artemis bit his lip and stared down at the floor of the pipe. He could see the interior of the pipe, despite the complete darkness, due to the night-vision provided by the iris-cam. Everything was in radioactive green, including Mulch's grinning face before him.

'How many on the other side?' he whispered instead.

Mulch leaned towards the entrance, listening to the voices he could hear through the soil. 'About two here, I think. Might be more.'

'So the plan is…' Artemis licked his dry lips and continued, 'We use one of these light bombs to distract them, I try to locate Holly, get her, and then we head straight back here and you block up the tunnel after us.'

'That's the best you can do?' Mulch said, shaking his head in disbelief.

'Need help, Arty boy?' said Iris's voice, right in his ear. 'Come on, ask and ye shall receive. Gimme a chance to test out the cam. I have X-ray if you want.'

'Switch the view to X-ray when I tell you,' he whispered. His words would be relayed back to Iris through the throat mike; there was no need to shout as the patch would pick up any vibration from his throat and send it back to her crystal-clear. 'And switch to normal view when I get out of here; I don't want to be blinded.'

'Got it.'

'Ready?' Mulch unhinged his jaw and waited for the signal from the boy.

Artemis nodded, slipping one of the spheres out of his pocket and setting it to a ten-second burst. 'Close your eyes, Mulch.'

The dwarf raised a thumb, lined up his jaw to the pipe's entrance, and launched himself through the layer of soil into bright light.

Artemis pressed the button and threw the silver ball out after Mulch, ducking his head behind his arm as he did so. There was a sharp pain in his eye as Iris switched the night-vision to normal view.

And then there was a blast from further down the tunnel.

'What was that?' Holly exclaimed, as she was thrown out of her seat. The shuttle rocked slightly from the blast and settled. The crates that had been piled at the other end of the shuttle emitted strange knocking sounds, but Bumble didn't bother to investigate.

'Right on time,' he said, going to the back of the shuttle and pressing his face to the window. 'I'll be out of here soon, heh heh.'

'What's going on, Bumble?' she called after him. 'Where are we?'

'Classified information, Cap.' Bumble grinned and rapped on the glass of the window. 'Looks like a light show out there. Hey – that's odd. Why's it taking so long?' He went to the door of the shuttle and pressed the button to open it. 'Stay there, Cap. I'll be right back.'

She watched as he passed in front of the shuttle's windscreen, waited a few moments, then got up and crept towards the door. She didn't know how she was going to get out of here – and where here was, she didn't have an idea either – but it was better than sitting round and doing nothing. Besides, if they were in a terminal as she guessed they were, she could try to slip past the other officers and head for the exits. With both hands behind her back – well, too bad, but she had been in stickier situations before.

Someone stepped through the door at the same time she got there, and collided heavily into her. She kicked out immediately, tripping the other person into the shuttle.

'Ouch!' It sounded familiar. Very familiar, in fact –

'Artemis?' she gasped, getting to her feet unsteadily. 'What are you doing here?'

'Rescuing you,' the boy said, scrambling to his feet and grabbing her arm. 'Come on, Mulch is waiting for us.'

She followed him out of the shuttle into a tunnel. Not a terminal then. Artemis backed against the shuttle and pulled her along to the front, glancing to the right and left as he did so.

Not a slug's chance in a dwarf delicatessen, she thought, as she heard officers running towards the shuttle.

'Do you have a weapon?' she asked hurriedly. 'Get me out of these.'

'Neutrino 98,' Artemis grunted, struggling to pull the gun out of his pocket. 'Should I try –'

'One shot, through the links.' She turned her back to him and held out her hands. 'Just between.'

She heard the click of the safety catch being released, and then her hands fell apart as the shot melted the plastic.

'Give it here,' she said, grabbing the Neutrino from Artemis. She deftly aimed the shots at the weak points in the cuffs, cutting through the plastic and releasing her hands from the bonds.

The officers were getting closer. One shot arced past them as the first officer rounded the corner of the shuttle.

Holly pushed the boy around the nose of the shuttle, released a few shots in the officers' direction, and rolled behind the stacks of boxes piled beside the tunnel wall. Artemis was waiting to pull her to safety behind the boxes.

'Those aren't Neutrinos,' Holly managed to gasp out as she flicked through the settings on the one in her hand. 'Those can take your head off. D'Arvit, this isn't going to stop them.'

'What was that blast?' Artemis said, peering through the gaps in the boxes. He sneezed as he leaned towards the boxes for a better look. 'This smells like curry powder.'

'I don't know. We can confuse them a bit with this, but I don't like our chances.' Holly banged a fist on the ground. 'Why did you have to do something so stupid, Artemis? Is this your clever plan then?'

'Me? Stupid?' Artemis was shocked into being ungrammatical. 'I'm trying to save you!'

'By having both of us killed?' she whispered back fiercely, as several officers formed a circle in front of the boxes.

'One more.' Artemis pulled the second and last sphere from his pocket and turned the ring to thirty seconds. 'Half a minute, that's all. Run with your eyes closed. Mulch will be waiting to get us out – get to him.'

'That looks like – '

'No, it's not from Foaly. When I throw this out here, you don't look at it, d'you understand?'

'Of course I do, but – '

'One – '

Holly shut her eyes, hardly believing that she was trusting Artemis in this. She was going to run out of here with her eyes closed, while LEP officers stood by with their guns – no, best not to think about it now. There would be time to think of this idiocy when she got out of here. If she got out of here.

'Two – '

She felt Artemis's hand on her shoulder, his grip tightening as he rose slowly.

'Three!'

She saw the flash of light through her eyelids, a terrible brightness that would have knocked her unconscious if she had been looking straight at it. Boxes banged against her as she and Artemis pushed through the stacks, colliding into yelling officers on the way. Wait a sec – how would they know where they were heading –

'Got you!' someone shouted in her ear, pulling her by the other arm.

Artemis released her shoulder, stumbling blindly past her. Holly felt a hairy hand push her after the boy, and then she felt a hole in front of her outstretched arms. Someone's hand grabbed her and tugged her into the hole, into some confined space smelling of damp earth, while another hand pulled the Neutrino from hers.

'Mulch!' she heard Artemis yell from outside the hole. 'Get out!'

The brightness was dissipating as Holly squinted through half-shut eyes at Artemis, still standing outside the hole she had entered. She heard voices – those were the officers who had not been affected by the flash –

'Hellfire!' The first few shots missed Artemis by inches as he backed into the mouth of the pipe. 'Mulch!'

Mulch was a dim shape behind her, waiting for Holly and Artemis to enter to pipe so he could seal the entrance.

'Move it, Holly!' Mulch's face was pale, even in the fading brightness of the light outside. 'Get Artemis in!'

She turned to yell at Artemis, only to see that he was squeezing off shot after shot from the Neutrino.

'D'Arvit, Arty!' she yelled, yanking at the hood of his jacket. 'Move!'

He didn't seem to have heard her as his finger pumped the trigger, again and again. The officers were getting closer – Artemis's shots didn't seem to be slowing them down at all. A few shots missed the boy's arm by inches as he leaned out of the pipe to fire the Neutrino.

Holly did the only thing she could think of to bring Artemis to his senses – she curled her fingers into a fist, drew her arm back and punched him on the nose.

It worked beautifully. Artemis fell back into the pipe from the force of the punch; Holly pried the Neutrino from his unresisting fingers and released as many shots as she could outside – there were several yelps, and the shots from the officers decreased fractionally.

'Move, you idiots!' Mulch screamed. 'They're coming closer!'

'Come on, Arty!' Holly dragged at his jacket with her free hand and crawled onwards further into the pipe.

Mulch flattened himself against the wall of the pipe, allowing Holly and Artemis space to squeeze through. The boy managed to turn over on to his stomach and drag himself after Holly. Then Mulch went to work at once – he unhinged his jaw and started sealing the mouth of the pipe after him with the digested soil.

It was pitch-black in the pipe after the entrance was sealed. Holly felt her way through on her hands and knees, the Neutrino safe in the holster at her hip, but it was slow going all the same. Artemis was right on her heels, bumping into her from time to time.

'Need help?' said Iris. Artemis had all but forgotten her in the excitement, but she had been watching everything from Ys Street. 'You're still wearing the iris-cam, Arty boy.'

'Night vision!' he barked, as his knees went down heavily on Holly's heels for the third time. 'Now!'

'Okey dokey.' Iris giggled, and a sharp sting caused Artemis's eye to water.

He could see clearly now, in shades of green. 'I can see our way through, Holly – move up a bit, will you?'

She backed up against the wall of the pipe, panting with the running and the effort of crawling through the cramped space. Artemis inched past her carefully, not wanting to hit things and places he shouldn't.

'Oove!' Mulch said, right behind him.

There – he was through. Artemis crawled forward along the pipe; Holly was trampling on his heels this time. The air smelled of earth and water, not unpleasantly so, but it was claustrophobic in here. They would be out soon – it hadn't taken long for him and Mulch to get through –

It was only a short time before the hole at the other end appeared, and then the trio was tumbling out of the pipe into bright light.

Very bright light, as it was. Artemis threw up an arm to shield his eyes – there was a lorry right before him, its headlights aimed at the pipe. If it was more rogue officers –

'Get in!' squealed the pixie from the driver's seat. His eyes were staring at the other end of the street in pure terror. 'Back, back!' Doodah was practically bouncing on the seat as he revved up the lorry.

Artemis glanced down the tunnel street, running to the back of the lorry with Holly behind him. The blast had blown a hole right through the layers of soil, opening a road straight into the tunnel they had just escaped.

The doors at the back of the lorry had been left ajar. Artemis dived into the cargo space, Holly falling in after him. He pulled the doors shut after her, throwing them into complete darkness once again.

The lorry began to move, lurching somewhat. Doodah was probably stamping on the accelerator in sheer terror.

'You all right?' Mulch called, thumping on the wall that separated the cab from the back of the lorry. 'Hello?'

'We're okay!' both Artemis and Holly yelled back.

The lorry gave a particularly bad lurch, throwing both elf and boy flat on their backs. Artemis felt something oozy and jelly-like splash onto his face. Holly was swearing loudly somewhere beside him.

And then there was the overpowering stench of fish.

'Fish! Fish! D'Arvitting eejits!' Holly hauled herself upright as best as she could, slipping and sliding on the hydrogel and fish on the floor of the lorry.

Artemis sat up with lesser mishap; he could still see with the night-vision from the iris-cam. The dual vision was giving him a headache, as he could only see in the dark with one eye. He watched Holly slip and land flat on her back again.

'Need help?' he offered, holding out a hand.

'I can't see it, idiot!' One of Holly's legs flailed wildly, hitting Artemis on the shoulder. 'Sorry!'

'Here.' He grasped her hand and pulled her up. 'Don't move so much.'

'Ouch!' she shrieked, squeezing his hand so hard that he gasped in pain. 'Something pinched me!'

'It's not me – '

'I know it's not you! Then what is it?'

Artemis stared in bemusement at the crabs scuttling blindly on the floor of the lorry. Oh. Those. So it wasn't just the fish.

'Just crabs. Come here.'

'Beat the crap out of them for me!' Holly slithered and crashed past him in the dark. 'Do it, Artemis!'

'Do you mean it literally or fig – '

'Just do it, Arty!'

It was a command he couldn't disobey, considering the circumstances. The crabs weren't too happy about it either. At least he didn't get pinched in places he would rather not think about. And Iris's loud guffaws were drowned out in the sounds of him kicking the crabs to the other end of the lorry.

A/N: It would've been a good combination for a romantic scene: darkness (check), Arty and Holly alone (check), nobody listening in (check) and escape from danger (check). Crabs. Pesky things. I like them with cheese.

Ooo, randomness.