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There is something to be said about this time of the year. Every year I tell myself it's going to be the year I host Christmas for everyone in LA. And, because everyone lives in Louisville and the surrounding area, I get shut down every time. But I get it. There's just something magical about getting to spend Christmas somewhere cold. I watch Brielle playing with her new doll in the living room while a roaring fire crackles nearby.
"I'm going to call her Jenny!" She had exclaimed as we left the store earlier that day.
Our seven foot tall Christmas Tree, the one we've had since before I was even born, stands fully decorated with white lights, snowflakes, and red and green colored balls in the corner of the living room, facing the bay window. With country Christmas songs softly flowing through the surround sound speakers, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
It's been an incredible day together, and I'm more than ready to relax and enjoy our evening together.
After a full day of running and playing through the park (not an easy feat in tights and boots I might add) we continued our celebration at Steak 'n Shake before heading off to Target for a few toys to tide Brielle over before Christmas.
Being out in public, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone tipped off the paparazzi and they flocked to the city. But, at least for the first day or two, I'm able to lay low. The best thing about being back home? Most of the locals try their best to act normally around me and give me my space. Of which I am always grateful for. Signing things and taking pictures at public events is understandable, but every now and then, an escape from the crowds is all I'm looking for.
"She seems so content. I swear, you'd hardly even know she's here!" My mom mentions as she pulls the ham out of the oven.
"She really is. I'm floored she's made it through this nightmare so...unscathed." I agree. "All she wants is to be loved. I'm so torn between wanting to make up for lost time and buy her everything in sight, and not wanting to turn her into a spoiled brat."
I wasn't quite sure what to expect when it came to adopting a child on a whim. What little I knew of her past, broke my heart. I tried to prepare myself for the possibility of tantrums, back talk, or learning difficulties. But, though we've only spent one full day together, Brielle seems to have a very laid back, calm, and timid personality.
My mom smiles as she begins to get the food ready. Blaine and Kaitie have finally gotten a flight home, Dad is scheduled to be released from the hospital within the week, and Liam, Brielle, and I are all unexpectedly together in Louisville. To commemorate the occasion, mom decides to have a family dinner.
"It's all about balance, you can't miss what you've never had. Brielle has never known a life any different from this one. Like you said, she just wants to be loved. Your time is the most important gift."
Her last words stick with me, and I know it's a mantra I will repeat many times to myself through the years.
"Ms. Lawrence." Liam whispers as he comes up from behind me, two glasses of wine in his hands.
"Don't mind if I do Mr. Hemsworth."
Taking the glass on wine in my hand, I lean closer to him as I softly kiss him on the lips. His hand snakes around my waist, pulling me closer to him.
It isn't long before we're interrupted by a tugging on my dress.
"Hi baby." I reply, looking down at Brielle.
"Can I help get ready for dinner?" She asks me, her green eyes sparkling as she waits for an answer.
"You most certainly can darling!" I hear my mom joyously respond from behind me. Though she understandably was hesitant at first, my mother has instantly jumped into Mimi mode, ready to spoil and love upon Brielle.
"You can be my little helper girl tonight by setting the table. You know, it's been a long time since we had a little girl around to help." She instructs, handing Brielle a few plates to carry into the dinning room. I snuggle closer into Liam, who kisses my cheek, when I hear a sudden crash from behind us.
Looking over, one of the plates has fallen from the small stack Brielle has in her arms. Glass is scattered on the floor.
Quickly, she places the rest of the plates on the island.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" She immediately apologizes, her voice cracking. Her tiny face has a look of panic upon it.
I place my wine glass down, and begin to walk over to her, and watch as she scurries into a corner and covers her eyes.
"Hey, Bri, it's okay baby. Accidents happen." I try to assure her as I rub her arm, her eyes still covered.
"Please don't send me back!" She sobs, breaking down in front of me. My heart aches at the sight before me.
Picking her up into my arms, I rub her back as she cries against my chest. Mom and Liam gesture that they've got the clean up handled.
I walk Brielle into the sitting room, and sit her on my lap after I get situated on the floral printed chair.
"Hi." I begin, lifting her chin up to look at me. Her face, I notice, still has a look of sheer terror upon it.
"I'm sorry I broke the plate, I didn't mean to." She whispers, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Sweetie, it's okay." I assure her, rubbing my hand against her cheek. "Accidents happen, especially with me around." I smile, emphasizing the last part as I rest my forehead to hers.
Looking up at me, she smiled slightly. "So, you're not going to spank me?"
It's then that I'm reminded of what Brielle has previously been through. I have to remind myself that previous accidents had more than likely been met with screaming and violence.
I have to remind myself that it is just going to have to take time for Brielle to trust me, and trust that I won't hurt her.
"No." I whisper, rubbing her hair. "No more spankings."
"Alright, here we are. Watch out! Space please! Mother to be making her way in!"
Brielle pulls back from my chest as we both look over to the foyer where Blaine and Kaitie are making their way in from the cold.
Kaitie glares at Blaine. "Why don't you just tape a sign to my back that says wide load coming through?"
Blaine scoffs at the suggestion as he helps remove her coat. "Now why would I do that? That's just plain rude."
"Right, of course." She agrees, rolling her eyes.
"Unca Bane!"
Two year old Ian, with a mop of chocolate brown hair atop his head, scrambles into the room as quickly as his two little feet will carry him, and jumps into Blaine's waiting arms.
Before long, the entire family is in the foyer greeting each other. Kaitie and Becca, seven and eight months pregnant respectively, simply stare at each other.
"Nope, not even going to attempt it." Becca concludes, knowing both their stomachs won't allow for a hug.
Brielle grabs my hand and proceeds to bury her face into my chest.
"Come on silly." I laugh, making my way over to greet everyone.
"What up nitro?! Look at you, back home acknowledging you have a family that cares and worries about you. This is fantastic!" Blaine exclaims, pulling me into a tight bear hug.
"B...I can't breathe." I choke out.
"Ehh, you'll live."
"Hey if she doesn't, I call dibs on the LA house!" Ben calls out.
"Alright cool, I'll take the studio in Manhattan!"
Amidst the chaos of warm greetings and brotherly insults, I can feel Brielle scurrying along with me from person to person, hiding behind me.
Picking her up into my arms, the introductions begin, everyone fawning over her.
"I am so glad you are here tonight, this family is in desperate need of girls!" Kaitie dramatically states.
"Girl power?" She asks, lifting her hand to meet Brielle's.
"Girl power." She giggles, giving her a high five.
The nine of us gather into the dining room, where a full meal awaits us.
The heavenly aroma of the just out of the oven maple glazed ham fills the room, causing my mouth to water. Sides include mom's homemade mashed potatoes, rolls, honey cinnamon glazed carrots, green beans, and broccoli cheese casserole.
"When are you due again Kait?"
"Mm...February 10th."
"Babe, can you grab the bib from the diaper bag?"
"On it!"
As I cut up Brielle's ham, and listen to the mundane chatter around me, all I can think about is how incredible it feels to be together with my family. The extended vacation certainly wasn't at all planned for, but in the end it has turned out to be just what I need.
My mother clinks her wine glass with her spoon, causing us to look up.
"To family." She toasts happily.
"To family."
After a warm lavender infused bath, Brielle changes into her Frozen nightgown, brushes her teeth, and climbs into bed, curling up next to me. The full sized bed practically engulfs her small frame.
"Did you have a good day today?"
"Yes, I did. I liked playing Candy Land with Ben and Blaine. But..." She looks around the room, as if someone will hear what she's about to say. "I think Ben cheats." She finally whispered, which elicits a long laugh from me.
"I know Ben cheats." I inform her after I'm able to collect myself.
"Tomorrow, I was thinking we would go visit my Dad at the hospital, and then we can come back home, change into our pjs, make some cookies and hot chocolate, and watch some movies."
Brielle's face lights up at the sound of my plans. "I think that sounds like fun."
"Yeah? Does it?" I giggle as I begin to tickle her, earning high pitched squeals and laughter.
Kissing her on the head, I pull the covers up over her. "Time for bed."
"Snug as a bug in a rug." I whisper. "You got Teddy and Jenny?"
"Right here." She grips the toys tightly.
"Good night Brielle, I'll see you in the morning."
"Good night Jenn."
Getting up out of the bed, I make my way over to the door, and turn back once more to look at her. Walking out, I leave the door slightly cracked.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you." I whisper repeatedly, my breathing still heavy.
"You're Welcome. And trust me, I'm just as thankful, that was incredible." Liam replies as he kisses along my collarbone.
The sexual release was everything I needed. After a very stressful past few days, reconnecting with Liam and shutting the world out completely relaxes me.
"Alright, time to pee. That last UTI was a bitch and I'm not about to go through it again." I explain as I make my way out from under him.
After washing up, I head over to my dresser and pull out a pair of boy shorts and a tank top.
"No, no clothes." Liam argues as I make my way back to bed. His hands slide up my tank top and begin to rub against my stomach while he trails kisses up and down my neck.
On a typical night, we make love, catch up on each other's day, and fall asleep, naked, and blissfully wrapped up in each other's arms. However, with a child to take care of now, things are forced to change.
"I know, I want nothing more than to fall asleep feeling your bare skin against mine, but if Brielle wakes up or comes looking for us in the morning, I need to be presentable."
With it being her first night in a new house, and the dozens of changes happening in her life at the moment, I'm almost fully expecting a middle of the night cry.
"No, you're right. Just something I'll need to adjust to."
He throws on a pair of boxers, and climbs back into bed as he spoons me and pulls the covers up over us.
"I love you...so much." He whispers, his hand lightly scratching up and down my arm.
"I love you too...always."
"Mommy...Mommy where are you? I can't find you!"
My eyes shoot open. I can hear the crying in the distance.
"I'm scared mommy, I'm scared."
"Shit!" I whisper as I jump into action, quickly grabbing my robe. Liam begins to sit up in bed. I glance over at the clock. 1:48am.
I run out into the hallway, hastily trying to tie my silk robe, trying to get to Brielle as quickly as I can. Both my mother and Ben open their doors.
"I'm on it, we're fine, you can go back to sleep." I softly assure them as I open her door.
"Hey, hey, it's okay, baby. I'm right here."
I open the door to find her sitting up in bed, tears streaming down her face. Her body is shaking as she struggles to breathe through her tears. The moon, shining through the two windows, casts a soft glow that fills the room. I try to speak as quickly as possible, and let her know that she's not alone. I go to sit on the bed, but she screams.
"No, don't!"
I practically fall on my ass as I attempt to stand back up again quickly.
"What? What's wrong?!"
"I-"
She lowers her head and looks off to the side, not wanting to look at me.
I look on the bed, trying to see if I can see anything in the midst of the dark when I spot it. She's surrounded by wet sheets.
Bending down towards the side of the bed, I try to make sure my voice is calm and caring.
"Bri, did you have an accident?" I ask, reaching my arm out to rub her back. She nods her head.
"I woke up to go potty, but I forgot where I was, and I couldn't hold it."
I nod as she explains things to me. "It's okay baby, it can be scary being in a new place. There's a lot of changes happening."
Brielle nodded. "Jenn?"
"Yeah, sweetie?"
"When am I going back to my mommy?"
It was a difficult question, and one that I tried not to take personally. We had only been together really for two days. And while I was doing the best I could to love Brielle and provide for her, essentially, I was a stranger. As awful as her birth mother had been to her, she was the only mother she knew.
"Umm...why don't we get you changed first, and then we can talk about that."
I grabbed a fresh pair of panties and pajamas for her, and took her into the bathroom.
Pulling her Frozen nightie off of her, I could see that she was soaked with urine. At 2 o'clock in the morning, my goal was to get Brielle back into bed as quickly as possible. A bath didn't really fit into that plan.
"Bri, hang on one second, I'll be right back."
Tip toeing across the carpeting, complete with T-Rex arms, I opened the door to the nursery as quietly as I could.
After Ben and Becca announced their pregnancy with Ian two years ago, my parents turned one of the guest rooms into a nursery complete with a crib, glider, and changing table. It was always a convenience to have everything they needed over here as well. And as more grandchildren were set to arrive, it was going to be needed more than ever.
Creeping into the room, Ian was fast asleep in his crib. I walked over to the changing area and grabbed a handful of baby wipes before making an exit as quickly and quietly as possible.
I clicked the door closed, and stood with baited breath. After a few seconds of silence, I sighed with relief and headed back into the bathroom. Brielle stood in the same spot I had left her in.
Bending down, I quickly cleaned her body with the baby wipes before drying her off with a towel.
I held up the new pair of panties for her to step into, and helped her into a snowflake covered short sleeved shirt and matching pants.
"All better?"
I get a sleepy nod in response.
"Come 'mere sweet girl." I whisper as I pick her tiny frame up into my arms. Brielle immediately wraps her arms around my neck and lays her head against my shoulder.
I walk back into my room, knowing Bri can no longer sleep on a wet mattress. Gently, I ease her onto the queen sized bed. Looking over, Liam is fast asleep.
"I'm gonna throw some things in the washer, and then I'll be back to talk with you."
"Okay."
I gather up the wet clothes, and strip the bedding off of the mattress while I google 'How to remove urine from a mattress'
As exhausted as I am, I make sure everything is taken care of before heading back to bed so that a.) The urine doesn't set and b.) I don't have to deal with any clean up in the morning. Once the laundry is in the wash, and the mattress has been cleaned, I shuffle back to bed. The clock reads 2:28am.
Brielle is still awake when I make it back, and I climb back into bed, and pull her against my chest. My hand soothingly strokes her hair.
"Alright little one, time for what is sure to be the first of many middle of the night talks." I begin, hoping I can stay awake long enough.
"I'm thinking you're missing your mommy right now."
"Uh-huh. Mommy needs me to take care of her." Brielle informs me.
"B...your mommy is very sick." I try to explain.
"Yup, she is. But the doctor always fixes her. Sometimes I go live with another family for a while, or sometimes I stay with her, but mommy and me always get back together."
I lay there in the dark, and try to think of what I want to say next, how much I want to reveal.
"Bri...baby, things are a little different this time around. Your mommy is sick, and she has been for a long time. Right now, she needs someone who can help her. You've done a fantastic job of taking care of your mommy, such a good job, baby. But now, now it's your turn to have someone take care of you."
"Someone like you?" She asks. I nod my head.
"Yeah, someone like me. I'm going to take care of you now, and make sure that you're safe, that you're happy, and that you're loved."
"Well..." She paused momentarily. "You did a good job earlier. When I have accidents at mommy's house, there's no new sheets. She makes me sleep in my accident, a 'cause I'm not supposed to do that."
I sigh.
Little by little, Brielle reveals to me snapshots of what life has been like for her.
"Jenn?"
"Yes, baby?"
Her chin tilts, and her head faces up to look at me.
"If I don't get to live with mommy anymore, and I have to have someone else take care of me, I'm glad it's you."
My heart swells as tears instantly fill my eyes.
"Me too, B, me too."
Kissing her forehead, I wrap my arms around her body, holding her close as we both drift back to sleep.