Chapter title is from a line in Lisa Hannigan's Sea Song.

Chapter 18: Smile on a Monday

Haven City

'Okay…Arty boy, I need you to stop somewhere and meet one of our gang. She'll take you and Holly back to Ys Street. Where are you right now?' said Iris.

Artemis blinked a few times, trying to dispel the headache of using only one eye to see in the dark. 'I'm in a lorry. Can't see anything.'

'Jeez. I forgot,' Iris said, sighing. 'Okay, get Diggums to stop somewhere quiet. We can't risk anyone seeing you or Holly – you're both wanted by the LEP.'

'We need to tell Mulch to stop,' he told Holly. 'Can you do it? I've got a headache.'

Holly reached up and banged on the wall separating the back of the lorry from the cab, alerting Mulch and Doodah. 'Hey Mulch!' she called. 'Stop a bit!'

The lorry lurched for the umpteenth time and came to an abrupt stop, throwing both Artemis and Holly onto their sides.

'I really need to talk to Day about his driving,' Holly grumbled as she felt her way to the exit. 'I can't see anything – Artemis!'

He crawled past her and obliging pushed open the door. Mulch was waiting for them outside, checking the area for anyone who might spot the fugitives.

'Lucky I asked Day to commit grand theft auto eh, Mud Boy? You would've been vaporized in the mines.'

'Where are we now?' said Artemis

We're at the back of the PI firm,' Mulch said in a low voice. 'No, stay in there first, it's not safe. Who're we waiting for?'

'Not sure,' Artemis replied, peeking through the gap between the doors. 'Where are we exactly?'

'Back street of Lud Avenue,' Mulch said, and pushed the door shut.

'Heard that,' Iris said. Artemis heard the click of the keyboard in the background. 'Okay, one agent's somewhere in the area…yep, she says she'll come get you. Oh, she knows Holly – so we're looking for a dwarf beside a lorry, right?'

'Yes. Merrick Transportation,' Artemis said, rubbing his temples. He wondered if any of the fairies could give him a shot of healing sparks once they were safe in Ys Street. Silly of him not to use iris-cams in both eyes.

'She's…coming right up. Oh yeah, I can see Mulch on her view. Tell your friend to let you out.'

Artemis rapped on the door, indicating that Mulch should let them out. The dwarf stepped back as hydrogel, fish, miscellaneous crabs and one annoyed elf and boy glooped onto the street.

'Oh you poor things,' Mulch snickered, as Holly gave him a dirty look and wiped hydrogel off her uniform. 'You're going to stink worse than a century-old tunnel dwarf.'

'Keep talking, Mulch, and I'll stuff you right back in there,' Holly said, pulling the gel out of her hair. 'D'Arvit. There's someone watching us.'

'She came to bring us back to…somewhere safe,' Artemis explained, squinting across the street at the figure in grey. The fairy held up a hand and waved.

'She's waving at you, Arty boy. Can you see her?' asked Iris.

'Yes.'

'Good. I'm sending her over.'

The fairy jogged over to the lorry, face concealed beneath the grey hood of the uniform. Holly's hand automatically went to her Neutrino.

'She's one of the vigilantes,' Holly said out of the corner of her mouth to Artemis. 'You were with them?'

The boy nodded and stepped forward to speak to the fairy. 'What's Iris's favourite joke?' he asked, as Iris exploded into hysterical giggles in his earpiece.

'Venus and her chocolate drink, isn't it?' said the fairy. 'Lame one. Oh hello, Holly.'

Holly released the Neutrino and smiled in relief. 'It's you. Hani.'

'Yep. Dessert vendor by night, vigilante at other times,' the pixie said, lowering her hood.

'So you were watching me?'

'You could say that. Now I need to get you back to HQ.' Hani nodded to Mulch. 'I'll take over now. Thanks for getting them out of there.'

'Finally,' Mulch said, grinning all over his hairy face, 'someone says thank you for my noble efforts. Say, what desserts do you sell?'

'No time for that now, but I'll tell you later,' Hani laughed. 'Come on, you two. Before one of the LEP sees you.'

Artemis and Holly followed the pixie down the street, while Doodah and Mulch drove off with the lorry to abandon it in some dark alley.

All over Haven City, the streets were filled with people and LEP officers trying to make sense of things in the chaos. Vigilantes flitted through the crowds, doing their best to restore order; rogue officers dodged them and went ahead with the plans that had been given to them…and Vinyáya, a few streets away, bowed her head and listened to the sounds of a city descending into madness.

Operations Booth, Police Plaza

'You know, Kelp,' said Foaly, 'there's something I find fishy about this Merrick gremlin.'

'Yeah?' The commander paused with a spoonful of vole curry halfway to his lips. 'And you're only telling me this now?'

'It just occurred to me.' Foaly nodded at the bowl of curry in Trouble's hands. 'That. Cahartez was Merrick's biggest client.'

'Tell me.' Trouble dropped the spoon and placed the bowl on the worktable. 'Why didn't you come to me with this before?'

'Honestly, Kelp, would you suspect Cahartez of murder and rebellion within the LEP itself?' The centaur snorted and called up the file on Merrick. 'Look here – Cahartez has been one of Merrick's long-time business partners, with all that curry to transport around Haven.'

'That doesn't prove anything,' Trouble said, giving his bowl of curry a very dark look. 'And Cahartez isn't what you would call the sharpest –'

There was a loud beep from the computer. Foaly held up a finger and clopped over to read the message.

'Foaly,' said Chairman Cahartez, his face coming into view on the screen, 'I'm calling an emergency meeting right now. Call up all the respective officers and get to the Situations booth at once.'

'Wait – what? Isn't this a bit sudden, Chairman? And the superior officers are busy with the mess in Haven.'

'Do it, Foaly.' Cahartez sighed wearily and shook his head. 'This is getting way out of control. I might have to call for a lockdown. The Atlantean ambassador's worried that this might spread all the way to Atlantis. He's giving me a lot of pressure, centaur, so do it quickly.'

'Will do,' Foaly replied. Cahartez zoomed out of view when he terminated the connection.

'What did I tell you?' said Foaly, looking quizzically over at Trouble. 'Lockdown? That's a bit drastic, isn't it? We didn't even do that during the goblin uprising.'

'The only way to find out,' said Trouble, getting out of his seat, 'is for me to speak to Cahartez himself.' He picked up the bowl of curry and headed for the door. 'I might need this for evidence,' he added.

Ys Street

'The Old Quarter,' said Holly, staring in wonder about her as she followed Hani down the street. 'Who would have thought?'

'Quiet enough not to have too many people prying, and just near enough to Haven to get there quickly,' Hani said, flashing a smile at her.

'So who's in charge, or aren't you going to tell me until we get to wherever we need to be?' said Holly.

'I'll explain later,' Hani said, shrugging. 'I need to go by the rules.'

'You don't come here often?' asked Artemis, walking beside Holly down the silent street.

'Once, when I was a kid,' she replied, craning her neck to look at some of the strange carvings and statues on the buildings. 'I know the story though – it's one of those we kids are always told. Like your human fairy tales about us.'

'So who was the Devil in your version of the story?' said Artemis, curious. Despite his knowledge of the People, he hadn't had much of a chance to question them on their folklore and myths. Too caught up in their technology and present conditions, probably.

'A Mud Man,' said Holly, smiling. 'Dahut had a human lover – she let him into the city of Ys during the night. I think this was during the time when the People and yours were beginning to get on bad terms…anyway, the man tricked her into opening the gates of the city, and there was a bad storm. Contrary to the version you've heard, Dahut's father didn't abandon her to the sea – he managed to get a pardon for her from the Frond monarchy, and she was allowed to spend the rest of her life in Atlantis. It gets a bit mythic after that – some stories said she died after all her blood turned to water, because she couldn't stand to leave the sea aboveground. Others said Gradlon didn't forgive her for what she had done and ordered his warlocks to put a curse on her. Apparently she died when all her skin and bones were turned transparent, so that everyone could see her shame.'

'She had a child,' said Artemis softly.

'Yep, I think some of the stories said that. Fairy kids are always told about it to remind us about the dishonest nature of Mud Men, and that we should never allow any human into our cities in the future.' Holly shut her eyes briefly and opened them to look thoughtfully at Artemis. 'Artemis Fowl, as always, rewrites history again.'

'Thank you,' he said graciously, smiling back at her. 'By the way, is there any chance that I can get some minor healing? The iris cam is giving me a headache.'

'It's the pressure underground, I think,' said Holly. 'We're equalized, but some parts aren't exactly. Come here.' She touched a fingertip to the side of his face. Several sparks wriggled down her finger and earthed themselves in the boy's skin. 'There. Good enough?'

Artemis shut his eyes and opened them, testing his vision. All clear. The dizziness had disappeared. 'Thanks.'

'No problem. What happened to your magic?'

'I used up every bit of it when I tried to cure my mother.'

An awkwardness that had not been present before crept into the air between them. Holly looked away, half-embarrassed and half-reluctant to bring up the past.

'About that –' she began.

'Here we are,' said Hani, stopping across the street from the lighthouse. 'The Watch House, as Iris calls it. You both are to go in – Iris wants you to say the password, Artemis, or she'll shoot you – and I have to get back to Haven.'

'Thanks, Hani.' Holly waved to the pixie as she skipped down the street back to Haven City.

'Come on.' Artemis crossed the street and went up the steps of the lighthouse, Holly trailing after him. 'Don't say anything. The tech fairy in there is a bit…unbalanced.'

'Oh I heard that, Arty boy,' said the cheery voice in his ear. 'Password. C'mon, say it or I'll deploy my laser guns.'

'I'm looking right at the front door – you can see it from the iris-cam,' he said, somewhat irritated. Holly was scanning the street behind them rather apprehensively, her fingers drumming a tattoo on the Neutrino.

'Nope. Password,' Iris insisted.

'Pink putrid porcupines and neon nuclear narwhals are as good as mad marauding maenads,' Artemis rattled off, scowling all the while.

'Very good!' Iris squealed. 'Now the retina scan. Look in the peephole.'

The scan took all of two seconds, and then they were through.

'What kind of password is that?' Holly said, chortling, as she followed Artemis into the back room of the lighthouse.

'Asinine alliteration,' Artemis muttered. He got down on his knees beside the knot in the floor Vinyáya had shown him earlier and pressed his index finger to the spot.

Holly rolled her eyes and waited as the part of the floor swung downwards. 'This looks like one of Foaly's paranoid security measures,' she commented, descending the stairs in front of Artemis.

'You haven't seen her yet,' Artemis said with a smirk.

Haven City

She had the gnome by the arm, the officer's eyes wide with horror as he stared down the Neutrino she held inches from his ear.

'Who's doing this, Lark?' Vinyáya said calmly. The officer's eyes darted past her, up and down the street, but they were in a back street and were hidden from the officers in the main road around the corner.

'Can't say,' Lark gasped, trying to lean away from the gun, but not succeeding with the tight grip Vinyáya had on his arm. 'Orders were to get people into the stadiums or community halls in any way we can. No weapons, but I heard that we'll be getting them soon.'

'All LEP weapons were returned to Police Plaza earlier,' said Vinyáya, raising an eyebrow. 'Am I missing something here?'

'I don't know!' Lark cried out as she upped the setting on the Neutrino. 'Where did you get yours, Commander?'

'You don't have to know.' She dropped him, but kept the Neutrino aimed at him. 'Why are you doing this, Lark? You're LEP. You're supposed to protect the People, not destroy their homes and herd them like animals.'

'I don't know!' he said again, backing away nervously. 'Just orders. I don't know who gives them.'

'There must have been something in it for you,' she said, still unmoving.

'Okay, okay.' Lark held up both hands and tried to smile. 'There was something about a promotion for us. Some talk about a conspiracy…I don't know. The lads were saying that Atlantis wants to take over Haven, and we need to take matters into our own hands to protect our people before they get to us.'

'You're still lying to me.' Vinyáya strode to him and grabbed him by the collar. 'I didn't believe that, Lark. Even if it is true, you and the rest had no right to do that to civilians.'

'We're LEP,' he whined, as she pulled him up to look her in the eye. 'I'm only following orders.'

'Orders or not,' she said, her teeth clenched with the rage that remained under her cool composure, 'I want you out of here. D'you hear me? Stop this.'

'Who're you to stop me?' Lark said, speaking with the last bit of bravado he had. 'You're going to be kicked off your post anyway, Wing Commander.'

'I don't care about that.' Vinyáya released the gnome's uniform abruptly. Lark fell on his rump, surprised. 'But you don't do this in my city.'

The blow that hit him knocked him out until his colleagues found him, half an hour later. But by then it was too late; Vinyáya was gone.

A/N: The Watch House is credited to T Pratchett.