Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Revenge, I Just Love It

Chapter 17: I Need You To Understand

It was late when Daniel had gone to see Emily, well past visiting hours, but the pit in his stomach had nullified any sense of his rationality. His anxiety for her well being, and his anger that he hadn't known, fueling his brisk walk through the hospital corridors. He had no patience, not for the nurses telling him he had to wait till the morning, nor to the unit secretary who'd had the audacity to tell him that as her ex-husband he had to follow regular visiting hours, which did not include midnight.

Ex-husband

The word had sounded harsh from the nurse's lips, like the dissonance of a faulty note on a grand piano. It had caught him by a cold surprise too, it not even being a week, since the divorce papers had gone through. Emily was thorough though and when she wanted things done, she got them accomplished quickly, so he had no doubt that she had decided to make sure the process was sped along. He couldn't blame her though, it was probably for the best that all loose strings were tied up as quickly as possible anyway.

Even if it hurt.

What he resented however was the way she had handled the divorce…..or more how she hadn't. Instead of looking him in his eyes and handing him the papers herself, Emily had avoided that step altogether, sending her attorney in her place. He had very nearly refused to sign them because of that, wanting Emily to show herself, to say "Let's end this", or even just "Goodbye", just something to mark their resolute ending.

Trying to shake the thought out of his head as he scanned the rooms looking for the number A07 -105, Daniel took a deep breath upon spotting it, his frustration from the memory seeming to easily dissolve back into his concern for her, as he pushed the door open and stepped inside. It was pitch black except for the small amount of light illuminating dimly from the muted TV screen above her bed. He had almost forgotten it was so late with the white fluorescent lights, which had shone harshly in the hospital hallways. In hindsight he probably should have waited until the morning, the last thing he wanted to do was disturb her sleep, especially as lack thereof was one of the reasons the nurse had mentioned for her stay. Still…he just had to…had to make sure she was truly okay.

Walking to her bed on quiet feet, his limbs moving on impulse straight to her side. Daniel stared down at his former wife achingly, his heart seeming to clench in pain, as his mind so cruelly brought forth memories of her in the hospital after he had shot her.

Emily didn't deserve this, any of this and yet she never could escape it; pain, anger, misfortune it followed her everywhere.

Ironically, the nurse he'd briefly spoken to before entering the room had alluded to the opposite, saying that Emily had been lucky, lucky to have survived. But Daniel knew better, nothing about her life was lucky, never had been, her so called luck the nurse talked about, was probably just the universe compensating for all it took from her….all it continues to take. Though as much as he wanted to blame the universe, to transpose his guilt onto a higher power...he knew it was not all to blame, for when the universe had sent Emily stumbling into him that first summer of theirs, it had been her chance...her break, and his gift to protect. Something they had both seemed to have forgotten until the damage had already been done.

Staring at her now, he could see the damage all too real. No longer was she the woman he had originally fallen for, the woman who had laughed and smiled and teased and loved. The women he had dreamt about growing old with in a little cottage on the south side of France.

He had…. taken so much from her; her happiness, her health, her smile…..her fertility. So much so that looking at her now, she only seemed like a ghost of herself….a cruel mirage. Though he knew he looked no better. It had been a long time since he'd stared at himself in the mirror, being too afraid of the reflection he might see back.

"I'm so sorry Emily" Daniel found himself uttering, the words slipping off his tongue in a gentle whisper, as he lifted his hand up towards her face in a tender movement, his fingers brushing lightly against her paled skin, before finding their way into her golden curls. "If I could take away all your pain I would…..even if it meant doubling my own."

Emily's skin tingled at his touch, and a part of herself hated her body for it, hated the way it reacted so easily to him. The other part of her body having given up long ago on things seemingly out of its control.

She almost wished she was asleep, in the state she was in, his tender touch was nothing short of torment and his words, instead of providing comfort only seemed to pile onto to her never ending heartache. It pushing forward a memory of Daniel, very soon after the shooting, uttering words very similar to what he had said just moments ago. Ironically she had been pretending to be asleep then, as she was now, resulting in her hearing all his private thoughts said aloud. He had wished he could take it back, wished he could take her pain, wished he could make it up to her somehow….but what had always struck her most was how Daniel had finished his guilt-ridden whispering's, "...but I can't" he had said, "I don't even believe that I can ever make this up to you….so I hope you hate me, Emily".

She had tried, not needing his advice, but taking it anyway. She had tried so goddamn hard to hate him, blowing it out of proportion with the games she had made him play, in her pain-ridden malice. He had asked for it though, hoping it could eventually assuage his guilt, for her though hating was her way in trying to cope, her way of trying to assuage her own pain. It hadn't really worked though, in fact it had backfired ridiculously, weaving them even deeper into their tangled web of anger, guilt and pain. I guess it was true what they say about double negatives….stay away.

Feeling Daniel suddenly lean into her, his face inching gradually closer to her own, Emily felt her breathing getting steadily shorter, the warmth of his breath, the scent of his skin…..all too much, tonight. He wouldn't, would he? Preparing to push him away, not wanting his lips to even graze her own, Emily found herself freezing when instead his lips ended up to her ear.

"You're awake aren't you Emily?" he whispered.

Still frozen, now by choice, as she contemplated ignoring him regardless and further feigning sleep. Emily let out a tired sigh of aspiration, her eyes slowly fluttering opening in defeat, sensing the inevitable now that he had seen through her act.

Daniel had pulled away from her by now, and as she stared at him, trying to define his features in the dark, he smiled painfully at her, so she smiled painfully back, "What gave it away?" she quietly questioned, shifting her body up into a sitting position on the bed.

"Nothing" Daniel replied, shaking his head slowly, not seeming to sound affronted by her antics, "You had me fooled at first, but then I began to think…..I know you better".

Emily frowned slightly at his words, trying to determine whether they were meant as a subtle jab to her character, "I wasn't trying to" she found herself murmuring in need of explaining, "trying to play games you know".

"I know" he responded simply, "I shouldn't have even come so late I'm sorry...I just…." pausing, Daniel shook his head slightly as if dismissing what he was going to say, "For what it's worth though Emily" he whispered on a new train of thought, holding his eyes up sincerely to her own "...I meant what I said"

Emily bit down on her lower lip, not even wanting to address his last thoughts, as she geared away from them completely, asking instead, "How did you even know I was in the hospital? I took you off my emergency contacts, in the divorce process"

"The news" Daniel replied, trying not to sound as bitter as he'd felt hearing something so frightening about her through a source like that. "Consequently, I did not find out until well past visiting hours….I had to bribe the nurses to let me in."

"I'm sorry" Emily whispered, the apologetic tone to her words catching him by surprise.

He only shook his head in response though, "It doesn't even matter Emily, I just…" Daniel paused, his eyes reflecting such earnest, masked in part by the the darkness of the room, still she felt it nevertheless, and heard it evidently in his voice as he asked, "Are you okay? That's all I want to know."

"I'm fine" she quickly muttered in a tired sigh, regurgitating her usual automated response to such questions. She'd never been good at expressing how she felt, so why even try now and least of all for him?

"How are you really feeling?" Daniel pressed, not willing to accept her half-assed answer, as he frowned his eyes trying to observe her despite the natural darkness surrounding them. In opposition, Emily averted her eyes down, not wanting him to read the answer to that in the vulnerability of her brown eyes.

The truth was she felt absolutely terrible...weak, afraid. She had known that ever since the shooting, she hadn't been 100 percent, neither physically nor emotionally, hell she could hardly say she'd even been 50 percent. Her mind and heart had turned fragile and were in constant recovery from all the damage she'd sustained in their torrid relationship. But she had thought that after her body had healed from the gun wounds that she could at least rely on that, that it was more stable than her heart and mind and could hold out until she left the Hamptons for good, and could therefore begin to properly take care of herself again.

She'd been gravely wrong though...and that terrified her.

"Don't worry about me" she muttered dismissively, still not answering the question,"I'll be fine….I always am aren't I?".

Whether rhetoric, or an actual question, Daniel didn't know, still he remained silent, not knowing what to say to make her feel better, if there even was a way...maybe there was, but sadly he'd forgotten how. "The nurses told me what happened" he began to slowly say instead, knowing that if he didn't breach the subject then she never would, "Your body had been over-stressed and shut down at the wrong moment. They said it was exhaustion, fatigue….that you hadn't been getting enough nutrients in your body and enough sleep."

"It's my own fault" Emily muttered unsympathetically, sighing in the frustration she felt, "I should have taken better care of myself".

Daniel shook his head in protest "Don't blame yourself for that Em's, god knows I've neglected myself too...we haven't made this particularly easy for the other have we?" he questioned sadly.

She shook her head slowly in agreeance, their back-and forth pushes and pulls had taken more out of her than she ever imagined.

"But I do think" Daniel began to add in careful retrospection, a thought she was not going to want to hear floating out his mouth, "that you should have asked for help. What frustrates me is that you always say you're fine when you're not, just like that day after Officer Hunter left, I could tell something was wrong but when I asked, you brushed it off as something small, and said you were fine. If you had been feeling sick, fatigued, why didn't you go to the doctors instead of brushing it off and trying to fight it?"

"Forgive me Daniel" she quipped, immediately bristling in defense at his words which she knew despite feeling abrasive, held a value of truth. Still she was not ready to hear her mistake, least of all coming from his lips. "but after what I've been through" she continued her eyes shooting up at him accusingly, "I'm tired of doctors and hospitals, checkups and treatments...drugs. I would rather just…."

"Just what?" Daniel interrupted, trying to hold back the frustration rising in his own voice. His intention was not to upset her nor to madden her, but if that was the only way he could get her to listen, then he was not going to simply hold back, she needed to hear this, "You can't will yourself back to health Emily, you're not some superhuman. Why is it so hard for you to admit that? That you're just as human as the rest of….just as vulnerable."

Emily shook her head in disbelief, irritation rising up inside of her from her feeling that he had overstepped, "Of course you don't understand" she replied in contempt, "You were brought up in privilege, you never had to worry. I wasn't and one of the biggest lessons I learnt in the foster care system, was that people prey on vulnerability….on weakness".

Her words instantly shut Daniel up, she had told him about her past experiences in the foster care system before. Not everything, not even that much, but as much as the pain she felt would allow her. They had been snuggled up in her bed one night, his arm around her body and her head resting on the comfortable spot between his right shoulder and upper chest. When she had began to talk about it, she must have been feeling somewhat overwhelmed by all her memories and emotions. Earlier that same night she had held a huge charity event to help support foster children, and though you'd never have known from her composure there, it had been emotionally challenging for her to carry out. But in the comfort of her home, and in the support of her lover's arm, she must have felt safe enough, to finally let out some of those emotions. So she had talked, well whispered, letting him in on some of her painful memories, while he had pulled her even closer, in shock and pain, and guilt from the spoiled life he had lived, hoping his tender embrace would communicate to her the feelings he felt but did not know how to articulate in words. Thinking about it now he knew those memories had not been easy for her to share, but in the darkness of the night they had been shrouded in, he almost believed she had felt safer exposing herself to him, as he could not really see her, and her him. As if the darkness had comforted her in the fact that it felt like a softer cloak of protection to her iron walls, which at that moment she had let down.

"I'm sorry" Daniel whispered, not needing to see her eyes to know the reflection of pain in them, "I truly am….but you're not there anymore Emily. You are in the hospital though" he reminded her, his voice gaining volume from his whisper, until he sounded steadier, firmer, "and the sad reality is that people die here because of their stubbornness to get check-ups or to ask for help. What if that had been you? Or what if your symptoms had god-forbid, been an underlying factor to an even bigger diagnosis, like cancer for example. The earlier that's caught the higher rate of the patient surviving it, you would have never known though until it was probably too late"

Emily shook her head stubbornly, not wanting to see his point, "I'm fine though Daniel" she muttered dismissively.

The doctors had already made sure to test her for any serious diagnoses that could be linked to what had happened. Thankfully she had not turned up positive to any of them, including the pregnancy test they had cruelly put her through despite her informing them that she was unable to conceive. Just in case, they had said, mentioning that some of her symptoms of fatigue and weakness had mirrored pregnancy. They had actually scared her, her face having gone a pale white at the thought of there unknowingly being a baby inside of her….her baby, Daniel's baby. For she had only been with him, her slip up at the charity event weeks ago being the last time she'd been intimate with anyone….and of course in their reckless desire for the other, and their rather unexpected location, they had not used protection at all, subconsciously knowing that sadly they would not need it anyway.

Waiting anxiously as they performed the test, she had been truly terrified at the thought of pregnancy, and then suddenly, so suddenly, she had become strangely hopeful. It certainly was not the right time, Daniel was not the one, not anymore, and it would definitely overcomplicate everything she was trying to escape from, but a baby, it meant hope, redemption, it meant her dream of conceiving, beautiful, loved and happy children into life, was not as far-reached as the stars in the night sky.

Well at least it would have meant hope, if she had been pregnant, which she wasn't; for as quickly as the nurses had sparked that flame of wonder, they then just as quickly and cruelly extinguished it.

"It was only exhaustion" Emily added bitterly.

"Exhaustion which could have killed you," Daniel emphasized, just the thought alone, and saying the words aloud, making him feel instantly sick with fear of the frightening picture those words had created in his mind, "You fainted in the water on your morning swim. If that man had not been there so early like you or seen what happened…..or if he had been unable to pull you out when you fell unconscious, you would have drowned."

"I know that" Emily snapped immediately in defense, she did not need reminding, she was the one who had woken up in the hospital after all, hooked to the heart monitor with the respirator plastered on her face. Alone, cold, disoriented, and exhausted. "I'm alive, I'm breathing though aren't I?"

Daniel shook his head in disbelief at her stubbornness to understand his point of view, it creating a rift inside of him between wanting to grab her angrily by the shoulders and shaking her until she understood….or by wanting to keep that frustrated sense of anger at bay, sick and tired of the shouting and fighting. Of course he was relieved that she was alive and breathing, he was relieved more than he could put into words, her life was clearly the most important thing here, but she didn't seem to understand the way she jeopardized it, and that...that angered him.

"So what the hell do you want me to say Daniel?" Emily asked, almost tauntingly, monopolizing on his silence, "Even the ocean, can't seem to hold onto me" she gravely joked, referencing how this was the second time in the same year that she'd nearly found her body at the bottom of the ocean. Daniel did not share her same sense of satire humour though, not liking the little laugh that escaped her lips, it though sounding bitter and empty, like she didn't truly find it funny, making him sick.

"You could have died Emily" he shouted, old habits never dying hard as all her words, eventually managed to stretch him to his limits, his voice raised harshly, trembling in the fear those words provoked, causing even her to flinch. "and it scares me that that doesn't seem to even scare you. Scares me that you can't ask for help".

Emily froze at his words, at the emotion in them, and though her instinctive action was to angrily shout back at him, she bit her tongue, knowing that he was only shouting in fear, fear which held a lot of truth. Deep down she knew it, hell even on the surface it wasn't hard to recognize, his words, echoing what Nolan had told her when he'd come to visit her much earlier on in the day. Still somehow it was easier to stomach coming from him, than from Daniel.

"Do you know what scares me?" Emily replied, trying to keep her voice free of the tremble he'd caused her to feel. Suddenly grateful for the darkness, knowing he could not clearly see the pained expression across her face, nor her defeated eyes which so clearly acknowledged his words. Daniel shook his head, having used up his energy to speak in his previous shouted words, so she just continued.

"It scares me that you still care"

Her voice was hardly above a whisper as though it hurt her to admit her thoughts aloud, but he could always pick up her voice out of all the other sounds, and so to him he heard her clearly, her thoughts emulating his own.

It scared him too.

Even after all they'd been through….all she'd done to him, if it ever came down to it, and she was in danger, it would not even take a split second for him to pull her out the way or throw himself in front of her. It wouldn't even make it down to a decision in his mind, instinctively, he would do all he could to protect her, even if it meant sacrificing his own self. That probably wasn't a particularly good thing, especially for a women like her who was prone to misfortune, but it was the truth.

The truth also being that he could not imagine not caring, it didn't matter what they went through or how many years passed, he would just never be able to put Emily that far behind him, she was just too….too enchanting for his own good

"Can I ask you something Daniel?"

Her voice brought him out of his thoughts, and he found his head nodding slowing on impulse, half thankful that she hadn't waited for him to respond to her previous words, and half nervously bracing himself for what she was about to say next.

But no further words came.

"What is it?" Daniel gently pressed, he didn't know what she was going to say but it felt important, it felt like progress. Thinking about the whole night had been a step in the right direction. They'd been able to talk without being at each other's throat, trying to evade each other's words, or by letting their emotions too strongly override their words. Lastly, and most importantly they'd been able to talk honestly and without neither of them having to run away from the conversation, though granted that was kind of hard to do in a small hospital room.

Emily shook her head slowly, "Can we talk some place else? I can't be in here any longer". It was suffocating her, the surroundings, the environment...him, she just needed a breath of fresh air.

Daniel hesitated, hating how she baited him, even if she was not specifically trying too. The doctors had wanted her to stay overnight, knowing she needed a good nights sleep, and believing that she might be able to rest better without the distractions of home. But she hadn't been sleeping in the first place, and talking felt like good development between the two of them, and he wanted to know what she was going to say.

It felt important.

Daniel's eyes were on the road, waiting for the red light to flash green, when Emily asked her question.

He had relented to her request, as she had suspected he probably would, waiting outside her hospital room as she had changed into the clothes Nolan had brought her when he had visited, grabbing her Mulberry handbag from where he had left it on the bedside table, before they had snuck out of the hospital room, and down the lighted corridors until they exited out the building and found his car. Thinking about it, that little walk between the hospital room and his car, had been the first time that night, he'd been able to see Emily in the light. She had looked tired, sad, like a ghost of her former self. But even still he could not help but notice her undeniable beauty, only wishing it could once again radiate as brightly as it had when she had been both truly happy and healthy.

In the car Emily had not asked her question right away, and he hadn't pressed her to, waiting silently as she fiddled with the A/C, adjusting the temperature, or looked out the window like the scenery was something she'd never seen before.

He had waited, waited, and eventually Emily had spoken, her voice full of painful retrospection in the emptiness she felt, as she asked "Where do you think we went wrong?"

I know this is unbelievably late, I've been ridiculously busy, and this chapter was such a hard one to write, the amount of different copies I have of this is just *shakes head. Anyway, still not sure how I feel about this one, but I hope you guys all enjoy it, and I hope I haven't lost all the readers of this story in how long its taken me to update. With Xmas break coming up, all I'm planning to do is write until my Demily hearts content, so the next update should not be too too long.