Disclaimer: I don't own the Divergent Trilogy.
A/N: A bit of an AU to the first chapter, if Andrew had found out before the choosing ceremony.
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I stare blankly at the paper in front of me. I always keep some around for working on problems, but today, I have an entirely new problem.
Well, ok, not new, but I never needed to confront it until today.
My father. More specifically his vehement hatred of my soon to be faction. Hatred I fear will transfer itself onto me tomorrow at the choosing ceremony.
Not that I didn't know this would happen. For years I've known deep down that I was too curious to truly be an Abnegation. Despite what the rest of the world believed.
I pick up the pen to start writing, but my hand is shaking terribly. How does one even go about writing a final goodbye to their unsuspecting parents?
I slap the pen back down on the table. Suddenly I feel something wet on my cheek. It takes a moment to realize that I'm crying.
My parents will lose both their children tomorrow, but it will be me who will always be seen as a traitor. Sure, Dad doesn't particularly like the Dauntless, but he doesn't hate them the way he hates the Erudite.
A part of me is torn. I want to know how my father will feel before it's too late, but another part wants whatever bond we have for as long as possible.
I grit my teeth. Already I'm being selfish. I've tried so hard over the years to be my father's perfect Abnegation child. I had convinced myself it was to spare my father the hurt of knowing, but suddenly I realize the truth.
I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing him.
I had always known this day would come. The day I would be forced to choose between my parents and my future. For a long time I'd considered it, but eventually came to the conclusion that I needed to choose Erudite.
Many times over the years, I wished it would come sooner. Now, with it only being hours away, it feels like a big black cloud looming overhead.
"Caleb, it's time for supper." My father calls from outside my door. After all, it'd be selfish to open it without my permission.
Another rule I've heavily abused over the years. I swallow deeply and compose myself. It wouldn't do to turn into a pile of mush in front of my father.
A small, irrational part of me fears he'll see straight through my mind and to the fact I'm an Erudite. My test had only confirmed what I'd suspected for years. "I'm coming." I respond once I feel composed enough to respond without my voice cracking.
I try to keep from looking at my father during dinner. I can barely enjoy what will be my last meal with our family. My appetite left me the moment I heard my father at my door. It's only when I hear my mother that I peek up.
"Erudite. They believe that they should be the governing faction, not us." I cringe inwardly. They're practically rubbing salt in the wound and they have no idea.
"So you have to be careful, alright?" My father says. My eyes travel to him of their own accord and I almost flinch at the hatred of them I see reflected in his eyes.
What would he think of me right now if he knew what my heart was screaming? Would he feel the same way he did of the Erudite about me? Or would he feel differently because he was my dad?
I stab at one of the peas on my plate rather viscously. My father quirks an eyebrow at me when it makes a rather resounding smacking sound against the plate. I make a show of putting a spoonful in my mouth.
Eventually supper ends and Beatrice and I clear the dishes.
"Don't take too long in here, you need a good night's sleep... For tomorrow." His eyes meet mine. "I um... We love you."
As he hugs me for what I know will probably be the last time, I feel something break inside me. My traitorous eyes begin to cry and my body buries itself into his clothes.
When he pulls back, I see the suspicion in his eyes before he turns and hugs Beatrice and my mom hugs me.
When I get back to my room I just crawl into the fetal position on my bed and cry. I know the choice of not telling my father died the moment the first tear fell in his presence.
And unfailingly, I hear the knock on my door. It's soft, but it might as well be a sword shoved through my heart. I try to compose myself a little, sitting up. If my father is going to disown me, I might as well have my dignity.
My eyes flicker to the stack of books I keep on my desk. I'd pulled them pulled them out earlier so my parents wouldn't have to search for them tomorrow.
I decide to just leave them out. It might just make this easier. A quick clean cut of all ties to my father was, after all, preferable to the mess it promised to be anyway. "Come in." I say.
When my father opens the door I see a question perched on his lips. But it quickly flees when his eyes land on the stack of books. I see the hardened look he reserves only for all things Erudite. The deep seated hatred.
On the outside I stay collected, but inside, I just want to scream and cry and for the floor to swallow me whole. I watch him pick up one of the books. He looks at it almost unbelievingly. Simulation Serums: Uses and Creation it was titled.
Only an Erudite would have any reason to read it and my father knew this as well as I did. He plasters an unreadable expression on his face and I bow my head. I can't see him when he tells me he wants nothing to do with me. It would hurt too much.
I feel his eyes land on me and I curl even tighter.
Apparently he's as much at loss for words as I am. I hear him sit down at my desk chair, but I don't dare to look up. After all, there's no avoiding the unbearably awkward fact that I'm exactly what he hates.
"That used to be my favorite book." He finally speaks up, sounding almost sentimental. "As a child."
He catches me so off guard that I look up at him. He looks so deep in thought. But he doesn't look angry. "You read books as a child too?" I ask hesitantly. The thought of my father doing anything remotely Erudite was practically unthinkable.
A sad smile creeps onto his face. "I wasn't raised Abnegation. As an Erudite, you don't have much of a choice but to read."
It takes a minute for my mind to catch up to his words. "As an... Erudite?"
A small smile creeps onto his face. "I had a good childhood. I had friends, I had wonderful parents, I had a girlfriend and I belonged in the faction I was born in. Life was good for the first 16 years of my life."
I stay silent, waiting for him to continue.
"But then, I saw something I'll never be able to unsee, mere days before my choosing ceremony. I saw how far the Erudite were willing to go to eradicate the Divergent, even killing children. So I swore I'd never have anything more to do with the Erudite."
The thought of what he must of seen to send him running makes my stomach churn. "And then you chose Abnegation and met mom and had us."
"Long story short, yes." He snaps out of his thoughts. "All I ask is that you be careful who you trust there, Caleb. Remember what we've taught you about right and wrong. My life was turned upside down by my childhood friend and fiancee."
"Who?" I ask, but have a sickening feeling I already know. The one person my father despises the most in Erudite.
"Jeanine Matthews."