Author: Jiji Kero
Warnings: Profanity, Alcohol, Nudity, Shounen-Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: Hwoarang x Jin
Author's Note: Joy and Rapture for Zerina X to come out of the depths of the shadows just to defend me. :D And yes, I am bugging her everyday for an update on "Devotion".
Directed to Paragraph 35 in "Doubts" LIAR!!
"Doubts"
Hwoarang plodded quietly down the stairs with his arms crossed against his bare chest. A frustrated sigh drifted through the air as his steps echoed through the stairway, frowning at the nagging thoughts that plagued his mind. He had tried to sleep for the past two hours, but his mind begged to differ and it angered him that he had no control over himself. Hwoarang knew why he was so restless; he had been ignoring his own questions and fears for two years. But now that he was back where it all started, he was powerless to stop the flooding doubts.
He let out another angered sigh, stepping to the cold concrete of the first floor. He was beginning to regret coming back. But as much as he wanted to blame it on Ling and his memories, he couldn't run from the fact that he hadn't sleep well ever since that day. Neither, him or Ling, but at least when he felt the warmth of Ling's skin, the pain would faded away for some moments, giving him a chance to rest. However, Hwoarang had put an end to that as well and as he looked back on it now, he wished he hadn't left Ling. He had always thought of her as a sister, but she seemed so much more than that. Maybe, it was because they were so open with each other… their minds and their bodies. There were some nights he would gaze for hours at the bare girl who slept peacefully in his bed. And as he thought more about those nights, the times Ling and him were wrapped in each other's naked embrace, those were the moments he began to feel alive again…. unlike now.
Even though he slaved night and day for his superiors, for Korea, his soul felt dead. Hwoarang growled as he shook his head angrily, pushing away his memories. He didn't want to think of anything, he just wanted his mind to be free, filled with nothing for one night. The wavering youth dragged his feet across the floor, trying to walk towards the fridge without any thoughts. As soon as he was before the machine, he swung the door open and peered inside. Hwoarang grunted at his dismay. The entire refrigerator was filled with nothing, but alcohol in all shapes and sizes.
"What the fuck are those guys suppose to eat?" Hwoarang muttered under his breath, opening the freezer door only to find… more bottles. He slammed the freezer door shut in irritation and glanced back down at the selection in the lower part of the fridge.
"Well, since I'm here…" He said with sigh as his hand rummaged for an unopened bottle. Once he found a filled bottle, he pulled it out and leaned his forearms over the fridge, trying to decide if it was the appropriate one to drunk off first. But as soon as he laid eyes on the bottle, the Korean froze as he stared intently at the label. He felt his mind reminiscing of Jin, before their painful separation, and once again there was nothing he could do to stop it.
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Hwoarang sat idly on the wooden picnic bench, placed below Ren's space. Countless bottles laid across the picnic table top, some empty, others half full or barely touched. Hwoarang stared off into the darkness as his fingers tapped lightly against his glass. He had been drinking for hours, losing all track of time as the night fell upon him, but he was too absorbed in his own world to even notice his surroundings. The only thing the drunken man could hear was the clinging sound his fingers made from flickering against the drink. The echo from the glass seemed louder to him than the wind banging wildly upon the warehouse.
As he sunk even deeper into his thoughts, footsteps resounded from the dark shadows. Hwoarang didn't bother to see who it was, he was more involved with himself than to deal with anyone, besides that… he really didn't care.
"Hwoarang?" A soft voice asked with concern, emerging from the darkness. Jin gazed sadly at the mess of a man who remained still. Hwoarang continued staring at nothing, lightly scratching his nails on the glass. His love's gentle voice didn't phrase him from his pondering mind. Jin sighed sadly at the impassive youth and carefully sat on the other side of the table from Hwoarang, hoping for some sort of reply. The two of them sat in silence, as their minds grew more numb until Hwoarang pulled a bottle into his hand and started pouring more of the coarse liquid into his glass.
"What are you doing here?" He asked plainly, keeping his eyes focused on his drink. Jin winced softly at those words, it wasn't the reply he was expecting.
"You… didn't come to school today." Jin whispered quiettly, hiding behind the strands of his hair, afraid to confront this sluggish soul. Hwoarang let out a tired sigh, setting the whisky aside as he kept his eyes directed to the floor.
"So?" He said in a cold tone, tossing his head back to take a shot of a hard liquor. Jin cringed at the sight of the alcohol disappearing into his love's body and looked away with a grief-stricken look.
"Ling and I… we were… worried about you." He managed to reply, trying to keep his eyes on the drinking man. Once Hwoarang had finished his entire glass, he placed it gently on the wooden table as he grabbed for whiskey again. Hwoarang stared blankly at his empty glass and proceeded to uncap the whiskey bottle.
"Neko's in the hospital…" He stated softly, trying to empty the remaining alcohol in his glass. A frown clenched to drunkard's face when he learned it would take one more glass to finish the whiskey bottle.
"Neko?" Jin said, looking to the emotionless youth before glancing at the place where Neko slept. Hwoarang lightly slammed the bottle away, making Jin jump. He refused to offer any response.
"What… happened to him?" Jin said carefully, slightly cowering as he asked the question. The liquid swirled around in the glass created by the circular movement of Hwoarang's hand as his mind recreated an imaginary scene.
"He tried to rush someone by himself… like the dumbass that he was and had the shit beaten out of him." Hwoarang stated casually, savoring the alcohol that touched his lips, slowly pouring his drink into his mouth. Jin grew a confused look.
"And that's why you're drinking?" The bewildered youth asked, he didn't understand why Hwoarang would be torturing himself like this.
"If you don't like it you can leave." He retorted in a harsh voice. Jin felt his heart crushed by those fierce words, but something was telling him that there was something else.
"How long have you been drinking, Hwoarang?" Jin asked with a sorrow cry in his tone, placing his eyes on the mournful man. Whether Jin liked it or not, he knew that this anger was a part of Hwoarang and he wanted to know why. However, the enraged soul felt threatened and instinctively tried to push Jin and any emotions connected to him away.
"What's it to you?" Hwoarang growled after he finished his drink. The red head pounded his glass on the table and began to reach for the whiskey one last time. But before Hwoarang could even touch the bottle, Jin yanked it away. Narrowed, angry eyes were quickly placed on the offender as he grasped the alcohol in his hands.
"Give. That. Back." Hwoarang uttered in a low voice, but the calm man only shook his head in reply.
"You've had enough, Hwoarang." He replied as his fingers clenched tighter around the glass bottle. The look from Hwoarang's eyes didn't fade, in fact… they burned more violently.
"Don't fuck with me, Kazama." The angry man growled, scratching the wood, ripping splinters into his nails. Jin sighed tiredly as he closed his eyes miserably, he knew this wasn't going to be pleasant.
"Is it that important to you?" He calmly asked, already answering the question in his mind. Hwoarang stood up, his shadow looming over the tranquil youth as he leaned over the table.
"You're starting to piss me off." He replied, holding an open clawed-out hand to the peaceful boy. A sigh slipped quietly from Jin's lips as he held the bottle a hand's distance from Hwoarang. The frown still remained on Hwoarang's face, punishing the innocent boy for his insolence as he reached for the whiskey. Just as the bottle was in Hworang's grasp, Jin quickly whipped it away and smashed it across the countless bottles on the table. The sound of broken glass singed through the air as the liquor splashed against the table. Bottles collide to the floor, toppled over, rolling aimless across the surface. Some cracked as they crashed against each other while others burst in half from the fierce impact. Hwoarang stared stunned in disbelief, as the alcohol dripped to the floor, with every drop that dripped agonized the enraged man even more. His eyes flared with flames, turning to Jin.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!" HE roared, slamming his fists into the shattered glass. Jin gasped in shock, wincing at the blood drawing out of his beloved and stood up to face Hwoarang in the eye.
"Tell me what's really wrong, Hwoarang!" Jin pleaded, reaching for Hworang's cheek. But Hwoarang only smacked Jin's hand away and proceeded to smash his hand on the cluster of broken pieces, crushing his palm harder into the cutting glass.
"GET OUT!!!" Hwoarang screamed, swinging his hand at the innocent man. Blood splattered against Jin's crying face, mixing in with his tears.
"Hwoarang, please!" The worried youth begged, pulling his love into his hands, trying to rest his head on Hwoarang. But… the blood-drenched man only shoved him away, tearing himself free from Jin's grip. Hwoarang took that chance he had and snarled ferociously at the prying naïve man with an evil glee in his eye.
"GET THE," He roared with a burning rage, smashing his hand across the table, knocking all the bottles to the floor, "FUCK OUT!!" The bottles shattered into more pieces, blending with the blood as the chaotic youth continued flailing his arms across the crushed glass on the surface again and again until Jin disappeared from his sight. Hwoarang stared at the busted bottles, panting heavily. There was only one thing on his mind now and that was drinking. He just wanted to drink his problems away and stumbled, trying to keep his balance as he made his way to the refrigerator. As soon as he flung the door open, he threw his weight over the swinging door, preventing himself from collapsing to the floor. Hwoarang struggled to hold his weight while his hand wove violently through the lines of bottles, yanking one into its grasp. But, the moment his pulled the drink out of the refrigerator, his hand slipped off the door and he collided on the floor with a heavy thud.
Hwoarang fought against his own weight, trying to stand up. After a while, he accepted defeat and plopped tiredly with his back to the open fridge. He had ripped the black whiskey bottle open in no time and slammed it down his throat, holding the drink high in the air, not even giving himself the time to breath. When one-third of the bottle had slid through tormented body, he finally allowed his hand to feel the dead weight and lack of strength, which sent it dropping to the floor. He heard the sharp clang the glass made as it met the floor. Surprisingly though, the bottle didn't break and Hwoarang kept a death grip on it as memories surged through his mind.
In a few seconds, he felt tears burning his eyes. He tried to hold it back and fought against the darkness of his thoughts, but to no avail. He couldn't stop it now, his mind had been dying to cry for the burden it had to bear. Sobs gasped from his cracked throat as he curled into a ball. The whiskey slipped from his hand and rolled silently away, hidden by his dry wails that scratched against his throat. His hands clasped over his face as he swayed his head up and down like a child. The warmth of his flowing tears, streamed down his face as the sound of crunching glass stepped closer and closer. He could hear it as loud as day, but his mind was racing with sadness, trying to speak out through words, but nothing could come out.
Suddenly, he felt the most tender hands wrap around him tightly, pulling him into a warm embrace. He felt himself crying even more at Jin's soft touch and gripped his shirt fiercely.
"Don't leave me…" Hwoarang begged, nuzzling his head into his love's shoulder.
"I could never leave you," Jin replied softly, caressing the red strands of hair and placing a gentle hand on his warm cheek. .
"But… firstly, we need to take care of your wounds." He said delicately kissing his friend's gashed hand. Hwoarang sighed as he sunk into Jin's lap, loosening his body.
"Yeah… you're right."
It took the two a while to reach the bathroom, Jin had spent much of his strength trying to keep Hwoarang standing. After much stumbling, Jin and Hwoarang made it safely to the room and as Jin gathered water for the tub, Hwoarang started pulling off his clothes nonchalantly. The intoxicated man struggled to maintain his balance on the edge of the tub while trying to kick off his pants which seem to cling to his legs. As Hwoarang grunted away in the battle with his clothes, Jin filled the tub with buckets of lukewarm water from the sink. Hwoarang quickly yanked the shirt off his back and tossed it in a corner, claiming victory over his clothes. Meanwhile, Jin remained busy, carrying the water, not even noticing the naked man until he poured his last bucket.
"Do you think this is-?" Jin stopped in mid-sentence, eyes growing wide at the bare, built, slick, arousing and not to mention well-endowed youth. The bucket dropped to the floor a few moments later, clumsily rolling around on the floor.
"Yeah, don't worry about it." The naked Hwoarang replied, before his hand slipped off the edge, which sent him hurling into the water. Jin snatched his beloved into his arms in seconds, before his head could hit against the hard surface.
"Are you all right?" Jin asked nervously, gripping Hwoarang tightly in his arms. Hwoarang breathed a worn sigh and clasped his hand behind Jin's head.
"Yeah… Yeah, I'm fine." Hwoarang lightly brushing his fingers into the black silky locks of hair. His breath growing more silent as his mind thought about the question mentally while the Japanese nudged against the curve of his neck lovingly. It made Hwoarang sad. It wasn't right for him to make Jin worry like this and to hide the truth from him as well. The Korean released one more final sigh… making the final decision to reveal everything to Jin… but he was scared to remember it again and it was going to be the first time he ever told anyone what happened. He slipped his hand into Jin's, interlacing them as one and held it close to his heart that began to pound harder.
"Did I ever tell you how I met everyone?" Hwoarang said softly like a faint whisper. Jin's eyes opened, feeling a bit confused by the question, but dismissed as he laid his head on Hwoarang's shoulder, giving him his full attention.
"Everyone?" He asked, curiously, lightly grazing his thumb over his beloved's smooth hand. Hwoarang stared away into the shadows of the ceiling, feeling his throat going dry.
"Neko, Tomo, Ren, and I…" Hwoarang grip tightened around Jin's hand, pressing it closer to his heart as he forced himself to continue.
"… were all getting fucked by the same guy." Hwoarang closed his eyes, he didn't want to see his love's expression at those words. Nearly all of the emotions were wiped off Jin's face, his heart started to race.
"What… do you mean by that?" Jin felt his chest tremble, afraid of the response. Hwoarang slowly opened his eyes as he gazed mildly at his caring love.
"We were all raped by the same guy." A flare of cold ice appeared in the red head's eyes as he spoke bluntly. The blood drained from Jin's face while he stared in disbelief, his face began to turn white.
"Raped nearly every day, over and over again for nearly three fucking years." Jin's face grew paler as a sickening pain swirled in his stomach. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing could come out, his mind was just telling him it wasn't real. However, the expressionless look on Hwoarang's face was more than enough to speak the truth. He could only stand speechless sinking into despair, powerless to stop the damaging words from continuing.
"For two years, I thought I was the only one, but shortly after my fourteenth birthday… I found out that I was only one of four boys." Hwoarang's tone ended on a harsh, rough note. Jin laid lifeless against the warmth of the naked body as the words slowly dawned on him.
"Fourteen, but…" Jin whispered, his mind doubting as the numbers were calculated, "But that, that's impossible! You-you would only be twelve!" His cry echoed across the cold concrete of the room, canting him coldly at his sudden realization.
"Twelve?! Twelve!?" Jin repeated, trying to convince himself it was a lie, but he knew all too well.
"That-that's-that's why you said it that one time!" Tears swelled up at the grief stricken man as he reminisced Hwoarang answering the drunken girl's question. Meanwhile, the crimson youth remained quiet, shuffling in the water. Jin could stand Hwoarang's silence and gripped him tightly with his fingers
"WHY?! Why would go through that for three years not saying a thing!?" Jin sobbed, hanging his head in grief. Tears rippled into the water as the sadden youth clench his eyes shut.
"And tell Doo-san that I was being molested before his very eyes?" Hwoarang replied plainly. The hazed crimson man exhaled softly, sitting up straighter, loosening his companion's grip.
"He may have hated my mother, but he could never forgive himself if he found that out." He continued, resting his arms along the edges. He would kill for a cigarette right now.
"Like anyone would believe a group of delinquents," He added in a tense, angered tone, "A Korean, a problem child, a mental case, the school outcast against the richest, most respected lawyer in Japan?" His hands clasped fiercely around the curves of the surface, frowning at his incompetence.
"He wasn't stupid, he picked us because he knew we wouldn't have a chance in hell!" Hwoarang whispered harshly, balling his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms. The distraught, shaken, sensitive soul gazed into the wavering water, feeling the cold air that drifted between them.
"Then how… how did it stop?" Jin asked, gripping his hands together as his body shook from the cold draft of the wind. He couldn't see Hwoarang's expressions anymore.
"I… finally realized the meaning of Tae Kwon Do… and for the first time I didn't hate it. I spent a year training, practicing every day until my knuckles would bleed until I finally beat the fucking shit out of him..." The crimson youth replied softly, peering slightly over his shoulder. Jin reached for his beloved, refusing to bear the distance between any longer. His hand rested gently on the bare shoulder, hoping for a kindred response. An eye peered through the red locks of soaked hair, and slightly turned to face Jin. Hwoarang was greeted by a warm embrace, trying to pull him away from the darkness of his mind, but a lingering event still remained in his troubled mind.
"… Neko saw him yesterday… the same guy… with another young boy…" The Korean's body tensed up remembering the state of his hyper friend.
"And he tried to take him out by himself… we found him several hours later…" Hwoarang winced as the mental image returned to his mind as clear as day, his fingers slightly twitching in fear.
"His clothes were ripped off, and he was covered in bruises and blood." A single tear stroked Hwoarang's timid face as he gazed into nothing. He remembered the last memory he had of his estranged friend before the trauma and he could see Neko squatting like a child, humming as he glanced over his knees while he doodling so happily with a goofy grin.
"He was finally… starting to act normal." Hwoarang said as he tenderly touched Jin's arms, hanging his head hopelessly. The image he had of Neko disintegrated into dust, being replaced by the psychotic version that suffered at the hands of a monster. The one that laid on his fours, clawing at the pavement with knife, slicing his hand multiply amounts of times during the process, grinning evilly as he etched his own blood into the concrete. Hwoarang began to sense the cold aura of the room and slightly shivered while his mind engaged in his past life, bringing up things that were best left in dark.
"We were so fucked up." The crimson youth said with a soft laugh, clasping a hand over his weary eyes. He could feel the weight of his body growing heavy and began leaning forward in a tired state.
"Can you still look at me the same now?" Hwoarang asked softly, feeling the aching of his body and the tension of his muscles along his back. His heart didn't want to get place in all this suffering he was forcing himself to endure, but it seemed like that it was the only way he could feel peace… if his heart knew there was still something to live for.
"Can you still love me knowing that? That I'm a fucked up person?" Hwoarang forced himself to ask as a painful sorrow tore across his face. The crimson youth was swept into the Japanese's arms once again. The fierce, yet subtle hands held Hwoarang closer to the warmth of another body while a nuzzling, loving face caressed against the nape of Hwoarang's naked body.
"You…" Jin said, trying to find the words that would truly express how he felt, but quickly realized there were no words that could describe his love. The only thing Jin could think of to do was to keep him near.
"You are a beautiful person to me… the most beautiful person I've met." The Japanese said, brushing his cheek against his love's gentle face while Hwoarang slowly turned to face him. Jin cuddled closer to Hwoarang's lips until a whisper only remained between and laid a soft kiss on his love. But all Jin felt was cold, unresponsive lips and glanced to see Hwoarang's dull, iced eyes.
"You keep looking at me like I'm perfect…" He whispered faintly, "I'm not..." Hwoarang pulled away slowly and turned his attention back to the water, trying to ignore the wounded Jin.
"The things I did afterwards, the things we did…" Hwoarang said with shame, folding his hands together in the water, "Something inside all of us snapped and… we didn't care anymore…we spent months wandering aimlessly, trying to find something that made us feel alive." The crimson man didn't want to see Jin anymore or rather, he didn't want to the image Jin held of him shattered into pieces and moved farther away until he had to bend his knees.
"Tomo got into fights, hitting people until they were disfigured… Neko… Neko's mind… was gone, we had to keep a constant eye on him, making sure he wasn't cutting himself…" Hwoarang lifted his hand into the air, watching the water rain off the curves if his palm, gazing at the water as it turned to blood from the cuts of his hand. "And Ren… Ren lost all feeling… he killed anyone as if made him the happiest creature in the world… and he did it with a smile… And me…" He said with a rise in his tone, clutching the tainted water in his hand.
"All I cared about was my next high… whether it was fucking someone up, stealing, blowing shit up, spitting on a cop, anything that made me feel better…" His glare returned to the Japanese, he knew the words he was going to say would hurt Jin.
"…Even sex." Hwoarang said with a sigh. Jin's eyes widen the instant the words left Hwoarang's lips and quickly glanced down to hide the stabbing pain he felt in his heart.
"Completely… worthless sex." Hwoarang muttered harshly to himself, closing his eyes tightly, hoping he could escape the tormenting sight of his beloved. But he could still see it in the darkness and tried to push it away as Jin shuffled loudly behind him. A few moments later, the Korean felt Jin's tender arms wrap around him once again, crying quietly against his back. A soft sigh drifted into the air as Hwoarang combed his fingers through the black locks of Jin's hair
"I am… sorry." Hwoarang said softly, gently pulling Jin over his shoulder, placing a delicate kiss on soft, trembling lips. And as Jin closed the distance between, Hwoarang thought about his past life while Jin nestled against his smooth cheek.
"Life really did seem worthless back then… but…" Hwoarang clasped his hands around Jin's neck, cuddling against the Japanese's chest.
"But then Ling came along…. and showed me that life is beautiful simply because I think it is." A smile crept across the Korean's face as he laid peacefully against the nape of Jin's neck. His hand brushed up and down Jin's tender shoulder, delicately tracing his fingers on Jin's soft hand, pushing the sleeve away to travel along the Japanese's bare arm.
"Shrugging off the pressure of the world and others, getting right back up no matter how many times you fell, standing for what you believe in…" Hwoarang smile grew brighter as memories of Ling slipped flashed before him and sighed a laugh.
"Being a pervert, playing games, eating junk food, just being free and enjoying life because you take advantage of every moment because… you begin to see life in every little thing." His face brushed gently against Jin's cheek and stared loving into his innocent eyes. Hwoarang nuzzled his head as he softly placed a hand on Jin's smooth face.
"And just when I thought things couldn't get any better… you showed up in my life…" Hwoarang said, smiling warmly as he wrapped his arm carefully around the Japanese's thin waist.
"And turned it completely upside down!" Hwoarang laughed, flinging himself backwards, pulling Jin with him. Water poured over the edges like a roaring waterfall, splashing to the floor as the two fell into the valley of the tub. Jin stood on all fours over the drenched Korean and laughed quietly. Hwoarang gazed dreamily at his beloved, smiling fondly as his hands drifted toward the Japanese. Jin sunk into Hwoarang's tender hands and sighed deliriously with happiness as his knees began to shake. But it didn't stop Jin from nestling against the delicate hand and clasped it against his shoulder with a petite kiss. Hwoarang watched happily as his breath escaped from him and smiled with pure joy, thumbing his fingers daintily against Jin's kind lips.
For the longest time, I thought the emptiness inside of me could never be filled… that I was destined to be alone, Hwoarang whispered in his mind, running his fingers loosely through the black strands, touching every silky strand slip into the curves of his hands. Jin stared in complete bliss of happiness, feeling the pounding of his contented heart, silenced by his joy.
But you… you broke down the wall around my heart and showed me the wonders of love, Hwoarang brushed his hand once more into his love's hair, wishing he could feel the delicate strands against his face. His fingers wove through the locks, grazing along the back of Jin's neck.
The love that makes light shine in the dark, that transcends the bearings of time and lives through eternity, still telling the tales of the undying passion. Jin gasped a delighted sigh as Hwoarang's brushed along the curves his gently neck, sending shivers throughout his shaken body. Tears welled up in the Japanese's eyes while he sobbed a weak smile, following the path of Hwoarang's hands as they returned to his crying face. Jin's hand clasped over the gentle hand that caressed his cheek and pulled it away, covering it with delicate kisses. Hwoarang watched Jin as tears rolled of his face, dripping quietly into the water. His eyes burned as he cried, but he couldn't feel it. He was unaware that he was crying simply because he could only focus on Jin and finally felt the painful cry of his heart, turning into words.
"I love you, Jin." Hwoarang said, gasping as his heart cried in happiness. He was paralyzed by those words, his body completely lost of what to do. The words surged through his blood, clenching his muscles in an aching grip. Hwoarang laid defenseless, numbed by the power of his heart. The tears flowed harder out of Jin as he tried to speak, but his voice disappeared among the passion of his soul and heart. He struggled, trying to remember how to speak and collapsed against the Korean, stroking his face and along his neck intensely, engraving his love's gentle skin into memory.
"And I love you," Jin cried softly, "Hwoarang." The two gazed at each other, absorbed by their love, destroyed the language of words… because their minds, the passion of their bodies, the beating of their hearts, and their merging souls no longer needed words.