I hate my job. I hate that I've been waiting for years to get moved up further than manager. I hate that nobody appreciates the all the things that I do at that hellhole plagued with little teenie-boppers who's parents practically filled out their application and forced them to work here.

But that's not even the worst part.

I hate that they treat me differently. All because I have tattoos and piercings and I'm not their cookie-cutter image of what they want at that place. I hate everything about it... Everything except that I know what I'm doing.

Why did I wait so long? Why couldn't I have gone to school like all the other people I graduated with? People like Rhonda, or Eugene or even STINKY who went off to study agriculture a town over? Why could I have not have known what it was that I wanted to do with my life like everyone else?

Well, I KNEW what I wanted to do with my life... Still do, but I guess you could say I chickened out.

I mean sure, I could've been a writer. If I would've actually tried harder in school I certainly could've gotten scholarships and grants any college that I wanted to. Hell, Bob and Miriam would have probably paid for the whole thing just to ship me off to get out of their hair.

But no.

I chose to be lazy and hate everything about my school except for the fact that it got me away from my poor-excuse that are called my parents.

That and Arnold of course, but he's long gone... Just like the rest of them. He's off chasing his dreams and living the life I always dreamed of- all without me.

So now here I am; stuck in a job where I manage teenagers until they decide to go and graduate so they can find something better to do with their lives while I sit here and rot.

And while I rot, I get to think about all of the things I did wrong leading up to my graduation. Getting married early and then getting divorced shortly after that. So far, my life has been a series of mistakes and trial with a lot of error. I look back at it now and realize that I never even gave myself a chance to grow up.

But what would I have REALLY done, huh? Gone to college, gotten a degree in five years and been on the streets waiting for some publisher to pick me up? No. Not me.

Now I just sit here and wish I had done it all differently. Wished I had gone to school because by now I would have a degree in SOMETHING, in ANYTHING just to get me away from this decrepit fast food joint that only should have lasted me through high school.

What has it all even been for? Staying here as long as I have? What did I THINK was gonna happen? I'd get moved up and stay in this position my whole life? Continue listening to my boss at EVERY REVIEW tell me I need to "get control of my emotions" and "stop trying to change the policies" and "prove to us your right to be moved up to the next 'career opportunity.'

Please.

CAREER opportunity. I wouldn't want a CAREER here if it was the last CAREER on EARTH!

But I'm too damn afraid to leave.

That anxiety, the anxiety of change- it follows me. Haunts me. Consistently tells me how wrong I am for every job out there. What if I hate it? What if I suck at it? What if nobody likes me and I'm stuck jobless on the streets with a cart full of cans, 6 alley cats which I'm allergic to, and my own bitter loneliness to cover me up as I sleep at night behind a moldy dumpster?

And all the while, through every self-induced complaint I make, I hear that damn football-head in my mind and those stupid things he'd probably tell me like

"Go back to school then, Helga. Take control of your life, Helga. It's never too late, Helga."

But it IS too late.

Because by the time I get enough balls to leave my job or stay at my job AND go to school... Well by the time I'm done I'll be like 30 and who wants to hire a 30 year old fresh out of school?

No one.

Especially not one who had no idea what they actually want to do with their life when they were SUPPOSED to. Especially one who has no future, not much of a past and a very menial present at her lame job.

I gotta get out of here. I have to spread my wings and find something WORTHY of my intelligence and wit. I need to find something I can do that will pay the bills and not suck the life out of me with each breath I take while I'm there.

Bottom line?

It's time to face that stupid fear. It's time to suck it up and get as far away from this place as I can.

Because I just can't do it anymore.

Not for a second. Because every second I waste here is another second I could be spending to rise myself up from the ashes and become the person I knew I would always become.

A writer.

so I know this doesn't fit in with my theme of high school, but oh well.

Just a few thoughts of a route Helga COULD end up if Arnold graduated early and left for college- all her friends included.

Basically I wrote this because after 6 years at my fast food job, I'm going to start looking for something else and face my fear of college.

Fin