Maybe I'd just run out of things to write.
Maybe I'd scraped the hypothetical barrel clean of ideas and am just running on fumes.
Maybe THAT'S why I couldn't write anything decent for four weeks.
A WHOLE MONTH.
Of absolutely NOTHING.
Nada.
Goose egg.
Zilch.
I could list every word I KNEW for the definition of nothing, but I couldn't write a POEM.
Criminy, look what I'd beCOME.
I stared at the page in front of me; the blank of the white mirroring that of my brain and the emptiness it felt from today and every day since I'd graduated last year.
Maybe moving out hadn't done me all that well.
Maybe having to admit defeat and get out of my hell-hole-of-a-house had HINDERED me from writing about the angst I had dwelled on all throughout high school.
Now that I was on my own, well, I had BIGGER fish to fry.
Like my job for instance- my TWO jobs.
That's right folks, Helga G. Pataki had to take on ANOTHER job seeing as the cost of being ALIVE these days was out the roof. Being on my own was certainly a relief, I'll give ya that, but being responsible for myself wasn't as easy as I'd imagined.
And TRUST me, I'd thought it would be a PIECE. OF. CAKE.
I mean look at my LIFE, I'd been practically DOING that- the whole 'responsibility' thing -since I was in DIAPERS. What could the REAL WORLD have to throw at me that I hadn't already dealt with?
Apparently a lot.
So much so that all the hopes and dreams I'd had for myself had slipped away from me only to drift into the oblivion entirely.
I was like a robot.
A sarcastic, whiny, bored and usually exhausted little robot.
And since all my robot-duties took up 99.9% of my time, it left little time for me to sit down and do something for myself.
Heck, it left little time for me to even THINK for myself.
And without seeing Arnold every day...
Not that the kid wasn't AROUND, cause he was. Somewhere. It wasn't like we talked a whole lot after graduation. He'd ran off to the college a town over and came to visit on weekends like most responsible kids with futures ahead of them.
Arnold went to school to better himself and, on the side, come visit his nostalgic hometown where all us LOSERS still resided with our two jobs, shitty apartments and lost dreams.
Hillwood had a way of sucking those right out of you- the dreams anyway.
But Arnold escaped all of that. He held onto those dreams (whatever they were) inside that freakish head of his and went forth to achieve them, just like I knew he would. I had to hand it to the kid, after that car crash that killed both his Grandparents a couple of weeks before graduation, I didn't think he'd be able to go on more or less continue on in college like he'd planned.
But he prevailed like he always did.
My angel flew off into the light of his bright future- a bright future... that didn't include me.
Hey- I've come to an okay place with it- alright? I'm not BITTER by any means or JEALOUS or HEARTBROKEN because the love and bane of my existence is off with his friends and probably going on dates with pretty, model-looking girls who don't care an OUNCE about him or his thoughts or beautiful dreams. I'm not SAD because he left without ever saying goodbye or because we had to break up for him to do it. I have NO RESENTMENT to the kid for following his dreams the way I always thought I would but instead HE was while I sat back in my empty apartment and rotted away to become part of the peeling wallpaper around me.
I was fine.
Peachy, really.
I didn't NEED Arnold in my life. In fact, it had been MONTHS since I'd even SEEN the kid so who was I to look out for him when I went on my lunch break every day to the local burger joint down the street?
Apparently a fool, that's who.
Because today, who else but the lovable FOOTBALLHEAD HIMSELF shows up at that SAME burger joint?
Mmhm. Love of my life- bane of my existence guy; Arnold Shortman- looking all handsome and grown up and completely gorgeous that it makes my knees nearly weaken that I could fall the floor if I wasn't careful.
He stood a few feet from me; just far enough away that I wasn't in his sight and half of me wondered if I should move to get IN that peripheral of his or pretend I didn't exist like a SMART person would do.
So I fidgeted.
That's right- I hopped from foot to foot, tossed my hair, looked at my watch; I even played around with the POSITIONING OF MY ARMS, for cripes sake as if the more movement I made the more he'd be gravitated to me and my spastic tweaking out.
Keep it together, Helga. You don't wanna RUIN this by looking like a freak!
After a few more painful minutes of useless posing and sweat dripping down my neck at impressive speeds, Arnold's number was called for his food- his food to go.
Oh thank GOD, he isn't eating here... I thought to myself even though my heart seemed to drop at this fact.
What was I EXPECTING anyway? That he'd get it for here and sit with me while we talk and catch up? That we'd wisk away to the back corner booth and discuss all of our lives thus far? What did I THINK was going to happen? That he'd fall immEDIATELY back in love with me like when we were 16 and naive and full of ideas and history unlike now where we were practically STRANGERS?
As the thoughts of what could be (but definitely wouldn't be) roamed through my head, I found my eyes zoning out just passed where Arnold had been standing only to see out the corner of my eye; a familiar messy stack of cornflower hair on a strangely shaped head approaching me. ME.
My heart raced- no -it STAMPEDED as he walked my way; his green eyes finding my instantly as a smile lit up his face.
Oh no, oh no oh no oh no what do I say? What-what am I supposed to SAY?! I panicked as he took steps closer; his mouth parting to soon say words in my direction. Hey, nice to see ya, footballhead? What's shakin? No, no, no, who says "what's shakin?" my GRANDMA?!
But my mind couldn't think as fast as life was unfolding itself for me. Within instants Arnold was in front of me- that familiar smile making my knees week as he had so many times before throughout my life.
"Hey, how's it going, Helga?" He asked me while walking to the door with his bag of food.
This is IT Helga- this is your CHANCE! SAY SOMETHING!
I opened my mouth with a nod of my head to let the words finally escape my mouth.
"Ominuyea," I mumbled while still nodding my head like a freakish bobblehead on a dashboard.
Ominuyea?
OMINUYEA?! I repeated in my head as I watched him smile again only to leave. OMINUYEA ISN'T EVEN A WORD YOU MORON!
I'd blown it- completely blown it. It was the FIRST TIME I'd seen Arnold in MONTHS and I couldn't even say a WORD to the guy.
What happened to our history? To all the times we'd talked in the passed while growing up? Did none of it MATTER anymore? Did all of it disappear with our relationship only to leave me a nonsense-word-mumbling-IDIOT?!
I pictured the events over and over again and have all day since it happened.
That's where the idea for this LETTER came about. If my stupid STUPID mouth couldn't get the words out, maybe my pen could; I'd always had more luck with ink than my own words anyway.
But as I sat staring at the blank page in front of me, my pencil tightly gripped in my hand, I began to wonder if the reason I couldn't speak or write- could that all be because I, Helga G. Pataki had nothing left to say?
Had I at last run out of words? And if I HAD... was there any way to fix it?
Hey guys
I'll admit, since Spanish2 ended and since my Aunt passed away, my life has kind of been going downhill. I took a big hiatus from everyone and I'm really sorry for disappearing with no notice or update or anything. I feel like fanfiction isn't doing me a whole lot right now- or you guys for that matter. I miss writing more than anything but everything I write only gets critiqued as "not as good' and 'not your best' and it's really taking a toll on me.
Obviously I write for myself, but I also write for YOU guys and try to make stories with depth, humor and stories that are canon and in character at all times, but even when I try, it appears that I am not coming off as such to many of you anymore.
The point is, i'm sorry i've let you all down and I'm sorry if you aren't enjoying my work so much as before. I will continue trying to better myself as I always have and if you continue to read my things and enjoy my writing- i thank you so much.
For those of you who think i have lost myself and disappeared... you may be right. But then I write things like THIS oneshot and realize that I know it's still in there- i just have to work on getting it back out.
Polkahotness and my stories are not going anywhere, I just felt like getting all of this out.
As always, let me know what you thought of this story and please stay tuned for whatever i post next (it'll probably be for Denting the 'Do)
xo
polka