Chapter Twenty Six: Things I'll Never Say

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I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

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Thoughts flitted in and out of my head frantically, each trying to be heard and each getting fed up and leaving, generating space for the next question.

"Mmm. James… James?" Valerie Williams lifted her head and stared into my eyes. She looked questioningly at me. "James… are you okay?"

She had pinned me against the wall on the Charms corridor and had proceeded to try and swallow me.

I gently pushed her away and hurried off.

I skidded in front of the Portrait hole and stood breathlessly for a moment. I opened my mouth to say the password, but the Portrait swung open. There stood Lily. My angel. My light.

Her emerald eyes flashed as she saw me.

"What do you want Potter?" She snapped, climbing out of the Portrait hole and landing gracefully on her feet.

"I…I…"

She snorted and stalked off down the corridor.

'Damnit! Why did I say those hurtful things to her? Why?' My brain screamed.

'Maybe because you were angry at someone else and she was there, just waiting for you to vent your anger upon.' A nasty voice in the back of my head smirked.

I pushed my thoughts aside and entered the common room. Padfoot looked up from his Arithmancy homework and raised an eyebrow. "You look like you've just seen a ghost. Which one was it? Peeves? Nearly Headless Nick?" He gave a short, bark-like laugh at his own joke.

"Full moon tonight." Moony glanced out of one of the tall windows and heaved a heavy sigh.

"Remus?" Cassie, one of Lily's friends, stood behind us, nervously wringing her hands. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Moony got up and walked over, his eyes misted. They talked for about ten minutes, before Cassie threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

Jealousy rose in my stomach. Not because I wanted Cassie, but because of what he had with Cassie. Something I'll never have. They broke apart and Remus ambled back to us.

"The girls know about… me." He said in reply to Padfoot's confused look.

"Do they know about… us?" Wormtail gulped.

I surveyed him with slight disgust. He only thought of his own skin, whilst Moony's entire future was at stake.

"No." Remus replied shortly.

My mind wandered.

~~ Flashback ~~

"What are you doing here?"

"I was bored."

"Go away. You distract the team."

~~ End Flashback ~~

I had been so heartless. My words were hash and cruel. I can't believe I said that! What is happening to me?

"Prongs? Prongs? Earth to Prongs…" Padfoot waved his hand infront of my face.

I focused my eyes upon him and sighed deeply.

"I think I'm in love. With my worst enemy." I gulped.

"She's only your worst enemy because of what you did." Arabella, another of Lily's friends, walked past and smiled wearily. "To be honest, she was cut up for about three months. Then she started to hate you. Passionately. Honestly, all we get is Potter this and Potter that. Try talking to her. Apologise. Work your magic." She smiled again and left, holding a large, leather-bound book.

That's it! I jumped up and ran out of the common room, as fast as I could go.

If I were Lily, where would I be?

The Library!

I galloped off in the direction of Lily's favourite hiding place. I entered through the large, glass-panelled doors and scanned the room. Her unmistakeable red hair peeped out over the top of the large dusty volume that she had her nose in.

I walked over, silently praying.

"Um, Lily?" God that sounded so stupid! Way to go James!

"Yes?" She asked coldly. Her emerald eyes bore into mine and I almost cringed under her powerful gaze.

"I… I came to say… I came to say that I'm… I'm… I'm sorry." I hung my head.

"Potter, get out of my sight. You humiliated and hurt me badly. Please go away." Suddenly, she looked more tired than Remus after a transformation. There were large bags under her eyes which she hadn't bothered to conceal. Her hair had lost its usual shine, but wasn't greasy, like Snape's.

My heart plummeted and I felt my stomach fall like lead.

"Oh, okay. I am sorry." I whispered. I felt awful.

I turned on my heel ad headed out of the library, earning a disapproving glare from Madame Pince, the new librarian.

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I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

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I want ten reviews for this chap! *evil laugh*

Lol 2 all my reviewers!

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