She won't let me. Believe me, I have tried. I've been trying from the very first moment Gérard rescued me, trying to articulate that something was wrong, to force out the words that you are not safe.
And how much more I tried to stop myself, two weeks later! I fought with every fiber of my being, with every ounce of my soul, and I lost.
I sometimes imagine I can hear Gérard, gently chastising me. "Mon amour, anything is possible. You must simply try harder." But that is me, being cruel to myself—or perhaps it is Widowmaker in my mind, taunting the weak Amélie for her failures. "If only you had wanted it more, your husband might still be alive."
But I have gotten better. More clever. I can't overpower this personality that Talon has hammered into my skull. She's just as clever as I am, and suspicious to boot. I can't throw us off a cliff or force us to drink lye. There are just too many steps in the process, too many commands that need to be perfectly executed. Most of the time, it takes all of my willpower to make one of Widowmaker's fingers twitch.
I can influence small things, though. The Widowmaker personality isn't a complete "package." Maybe that's why Talon kept me around, after Gérard was killed. My poise, my eye for detail—hell, even my looks—these are things that Widowmaker has to rely on to be successful. And it's through this back door that I introduce uncertainty, imprecision. A grenade held a moment too long after it is triggered. An edge of doubt about how the wind will affect a killing shot. My personal favorite was when I saved the life of a young boy by focusing on the color of his arm cast. "Just what shade green would you call that, Widowmaker?"
"Vert," she snapped back, leveling the rifle. But it was too late! He was away, and no more innocent blood was shed that day.
We're trapped in a perpetual struggle of wills: I can't win, but her doctors can't obliterate me without running the chance of creating une aubergine.
And so it goes. Widowmaker keeps track of the kills that made her feel alive. I keep track of her would-be kills that are still alive.