A Demon's Light
"I love the way that your heart breaks
with every injustice and deadly fate.
Praying it will all be new
and living like it all depends on you."
-Flyleaf 'Again'
Chapter Four: The Weight of the Galaxy
It was nearing dinner.
She didn't eat lunch for nothing in the fridge looked appetizing. But now, her stomach was shouting at her for food, and she wasn't about to object. The hunger in her stomach wasn't something she felt before. The only time she remembered such a hunger was when her and VB had wandered further from the cottage than anticipated and she hadn't packed anything to eat. It was a long way back especially because she was so hungry. However, along the way she managed to pick a few berries, so it wasn't all that bad.
Pulling out a container, she opened the lid and sniffed. Her nose scrunched with disgust. Sighing, she sat at the table and picked up the sludge with her hands. It was much too messy. Surely there would be something to pick it up with.
Josie searched through the drawers, finding a spoon.
When she scooped up the sludge and swallowed it, her stomach immediately hurled it back onto the floor. The sour taste of her stomach acid lingered in her mouth. She felt gross.
She walked over to the sink and rinsed her mouth as thoroughly as possible. She took a cloth and started cleaning up her mess. There had to be more fruit on this ship somewhere and she didn't think her stomach would handle more of the sludge, so she walked out of her room after cleaning up the mess in search of the good stuff.
The troops that passed made took no knowledge of her. They simply passed in orderly groups, walking the same pace like drones.
The ship was so big, it was hard to find anything other than a bunch of empty rooms with metal boards in the center, rooms with machines and technology, bedrooms with multiple bunk beds and very little room for anything else, and many corridors that for her led to nowhere useful.
As the hallways became more and more vacant with less and less troopers passing by her, her thoughts began to linger back to Kylo and his vision - memory. She still really wasn't sure what to call it.
Her earliest memory was when she was three and Maz had held her close in her lap, reading her a fairytale of a beautiful faerie falling in love with a human from a distant kingdom. He gave up everything to be with her, but he chose power instead of being with her. That story haunted her because it was the first and only unhappy story Maz ever told her.
Somehow and some way Josie needed to know where Kylo's memory fit into her life.
But it couldn't...it didn't. Josie had never been anywhere but Takodana. She didn't even know a moon and planet such as in the vision existed at all.
Looking up from her deep thoughts, she saw a lone trooper walking much differently than the rest. He almost looked uneasy even with all the armor covering his features. He stopped when he saw her. With great hesitation, however, he shoved her into an alcove of the hallway.
Josie caught herself, gaining back her balance quickly. "What are you doing?"
He took off his helmet. His skin was very dark, something she had never seen on a human. But he looked like a human. "I was going to ask you the same. You're not of the First Order, but yet you are roaming free. What are you doing here?"
"I'm being trained by Kylo Ren."
His eyes went wide. "Please don't tell anyone about me. They can't know. They can't know that I know what they do is wrong and they can't know I've taken my helmet off."
She furrowed her brows confused. "Why do all of you wear helmets? Why can't I see but a handful of faces?"
He shook his head. "I guess to dehumanize us. I don't know, but listen, I will find a way for us to get out of here. I just need to find a pilot. Do you know how to fly?"
Josie shook her head. "Do you know where I can get fruit?"
He stopped breathing heavily now and looked at her like she was insane. "What? Fruit - listen! This place is dangerous. We need to get out of here and the only way out is to find a pilot. If you find one, let me know. Maybe… Maybe we should have like a secret signal or something. Yea, yea. A secret signal." He raised his hand and put one finger then another up. "When I do that, then you will know it's me, alright?"
She nodded, her stomach then growling loudly.
The unmasked trooper cocked a brow, trying to hide a smile. "Alright. I will lead you to the cafeteria where we eat. There's loads of fruit and fresh food there."
"Thank you."
He put his helmet back on, walking beside her. She followed him through the hallway of rooms with bunkbeds and then they finally reached the cafeteria. She didn't think her stomach would make it much longer.
Walking in, she finally saw faces of all kinds. There were different creatures other than humans as well which was all the more fascinating. They all ate with little chatter and not a smile to be seen. It was very limiting, but she was too overwhelmed by the diversity to focus on anything else.
"What's your name?" she asked, both of them getting in line behind other troopers.
"FN-2187," he said in a whisper.
"You have numbers for a name? How odd. That's a mouthful. FN, yes?"
He nodded. They kept moving up the line as it got shorter and more troopers put food on their trays.
"Thank you for bringing me here. I threw up that sludge looking stuff. I don't think my stomach liked it."
"No problem, but you might have to walk back to your room or something to eat. I don't want either of us to get into trouble here. This is only for storm troopers."
"Can you come with me to eat in my room? It would be less lonely." Seeing him hesitate, she pressed further. "I can always say I requested you. All the blame will be put on me. I doubt anything would be done to me. Kylo wouldn't let that happen.
He flinched at his name but agreed to go back with her.
She nearly jumped, grabbing his arm. "Oh good! I've been wanting to make a new friend!"
"Shh!" he hissed, but smiled beneath his mask. "Alright. We've got our food, let's hurry before anyone sees us and begins to think us suspicious.
They both walked swiftly to her room.
He set his tray of soup and fresh greens down on the table and she did the same across from him. The excitement in her couldn't be contained for much longer as she shoved a lot of green stalks in her mouth. "So you seem much different from the others. You, to my pleasant surprise, seem like you and not a drone."
"Us stormtroopers were taken when we were infants to be raised and trained as soldiers for the First Order. We are conditioned not think or feel, but to follow orders. Maker knows why the conditioning hasn't worked so well on me." He shoved the food into his mouth like an anxious child.
"They took you from your parents?"
He nodded. "They did the same to you. I was there when they brought your unconscious body in. You were taken to. Yet, here you are in a very nice suite not so phazed by being kidnapped."
Her chewing slowed, thinking hard about how she did come here. She felt fear and sorrow when she was pulled away from Maz, begging her to do something. She didn't think herself kidnapped. She just thought she had to come here to be better trained with her powers. Maz told her herself that she could only teach so much being only a Force-sensitive and not a Force-user.
Not only that, but she truly didn't feel like a captive. She was free to roam…but that was the question now wasn't it? Was she free to leave if she wanted to? Her happiness faded, feeling trapped.
No. Surely Kylo would allow her to leave if she asked. And she would make sure to ask the next time she saw him.
"I can go if I want to," she said, reassuring herself more than telling him. "I want to be properly trained in the Force."
He frowned. "You want to be trained by the Dark Side?"
"No. I am of the Light, there is no changing that."
"Kylo Ren is trained to murder and kill in the name of the Dark Side. He has been trained in the Dark Side and has lost any ability to see the Light. That's where you will end up if you continue training with him."
"I think you see him as worse than he truly is."
He looked at her with that look again that suggested she was crazy. "I don't think you know just how many people he has killed. He has a pile - a podium of ashes with the important victims he has killed to remind him of the work he has done for Snoke. You can't really think that he is any good in him after murdering so many people."
Josie felt at a loss. Her brows furrowed, thinking how Ben - Kylo Ren was someone who did such horrid things as FN said. Then again, but that was what she couldn't wrap her head around: there was Ben and then there was Kylo Ren. Two different people in the same man's body.
Then, she remembered her dream - her vision.
"Within everyone there is a ray of light," she said, remembering the woman's words. "No matter how small."
Finn scoffed. "Well, let me tell you, that Kylo Ren's Light is probably the size of an electron, and that's being generous."
"What's an electron?"
He shook his head. "Nevermind that. The point is that even if there is light in everyone, it doesn't mean that those people want to see or even want to acknowledge it. Some people just live to be awful people. Nothing can change his mind. Don't worry, though. I will get us both out of here and we will search for a true Jedi who isn't of the Dark Side who can properly train you."
She didn't know what to say, so she just continued eating. They both did so in silence. Of course, FN couldn't take much of the silence for very long. He was antsy.
"I'm sorry to break it to you. You seem like a really nice girl, which is why I care about whether they manipulate you into their ways. How do you know so little about the First Order?"
"I lived in the woods of Takodana. I didn't really go out much."
He nodded, realizing something - something just clicking. "They see you as an easy target. They want you as a weapon against the Resistance. With two Force-users on the First Order's side, we - they would be unstoppable."
This was true. She was ignorant to most of the world and was a very easy target to be used and manipulated. Every word he said was another added weight to her shoulders. She felt heavy and sad at the sudden revelation of why she was there. Suddenly, she missed Maz even more now that she might not see her again because she was a captive there.
No. His words couldn't hold so much weight and so much truth. There were two sides to everything. There had to be.
"I believe the good in people can be brought out if they just see that they are loved."
In that vision, she truly felt Ben's anguish within him. He felt abandoned and unloved. It didn't matter that he was, Ben felt like he wasn't. A miscommunication in which if he could only see the whole truth with his very eyes then maybe -
Josie noticed FN's face fell with something that looked like shamefulness, but he continued with his view of everything. "Life isn't like all those legends and fairytales. There is no stopping the First Order. They will crush anyone who gets in their way. And by the looks of it, you are like them but with the Light. You will not waver no matter what from the Light, am I right?"
She nodded.
"Then they will kill you when they see they can't bring you to the Dark Side." He sighed. "I need to get back to my duties. I'm sorry I had to tell you these things. We can talk more later. Just be careful okay?"
All she could do was nod as he walked out of her room putting his helmet back on. The helmets that dehumanized them so they appeared as nothing but machines to kill. She understood now.
It was similar to when she saw Ben's face. She felt an attachment to him when he showed his face like she finally understood he was human and similar to her in many ways. It was hard to do that when all you saw was a faceless mask.
She folded her arms on the table and rested her chin on her forearms, thinking about everything he said.
They would kill her? Because she believed in life and love and light? All because she wanted happiness instead of death and misery she would be killed? It didn't make any sense.
Thinking about it wasn't doing any good either. She would see Kylo immediately and ask to be returned to Maz in Takodana. It would be nice to be wholly trained with her Force-powers but she could do without it. It wasn't necessary to her for her life. She would much rather be with Maz.
Finally getting up, she knocked on his door. When there was no answer, she knocked again.
"Did you need something?" The voice behind her made her jump.
She turned around and saw him standing there tall and menacing over her with his mask. "Yes, I would like to make a request to go home now. I must get back to my guardian."
Beneath his mask, his expression turned to shock. He guided her into his room, closing the door behind them. "You don't want to be trained anymore? I thought you wanted to be able to use and control the Force."
She shook her head. "The Force - it isn't about controlling it, it's about feeling it and being one with the Force. And yes, I want to stop training and go back home." He took off his helmet and set it aside as she continued. "You have kidnapped me and used my ignorance to your advantage. I won't be a prisoner here. I want to go home."
"You aren't a prisoner," he stated firmly.
"Then let me go home."
Kylo turned around. She watched him curiously, waiting. He suddenly turned back to her and placed his hands on shoulders. He was only inches from her face now. "Stay. For one month. Give me one month to teach you what I can… And I will return you home right after if you still wish to leave." There was a desperation in his voice and eyes that shocked her.
The closeness of his face to hers made her heart race. She could feel his breath on her face; their air intertwining as they each inhaled and exhaled. Suddenly a strange thought crossed her mind that she never so much as thought before. She wanted to place her lips on his, but that seemed so silly. Why would she want to do that? Josie couldn't answer, but she knew she really wanted to in that moment of closeness.
Instead, she suppressed the urge and nodded. "Yes, I will stay. But I wish to see Maz after the month is over.
"Of course." He let go of her shoulders, looking almost relieved.
Josie felt like something had been ripped from her as he let go. "Why am I here? I know it isn't because you have a concern for me and my training in the Force. There's much more to it. Are you training me to be a weapon for the First Order?"
"I didn't bring you here to use you as a weapon for the Order," he said, looking into her eyes.
"Then why did you bring me here?"
"Because of that vision you saw in my head. I recognized you and wanted to keep you close." His jaw clenched, feeling hesitant on having told her.
"I have heard rumors that you have killed many lives."
Kylo's eyes grew darker, but he didn't turn away from her. "Yes, I have."
Josie remembered her dream from last night. All the bodies left in the mud to be walked on and Kylo Ren standing there in front of the small girl whom he knew so well when they were both young. "All those bodies," she whispered to herself. "They were your doing…"
Somehow he knew what she was speaking of. He didn't say anything. He waited for her full reaction.
Josie tried to search through everything she knew trying to understand how she should react and how she wanted to. She wanted to go back to her room and get away from the murderer in front of her, but the voice in her head said Within everyone is a ray of light...You must remember that. She remembered her vision and the words Luke Skywalker spoke to him that fateful day. So instead, she walked up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Her brows furrowed not understanding anything, but knowing that what was most important was the Light and that she made sure Ben could see it. That was all she really could do.
Kylo didn't hug back at first, he felt stunned in place. But he slowly put a hand on her back, returning the awkward embrace. After a few moments, she let go and said, "Well, I will see you tomorrow for training, yes?"
He nodded.
She could only hope that in the morning all the weight placed on her shoulders with all the negative, consuming thoughts would vanish in the morning. All she could do was try and sleep.