Kathy poked her head into Colonel Carter's office and rapped the glass panel of the door with her knuckle. Colonel Carter waved her in, and the man she was talking to-John-turned to see who had arrived.

He nodded, smiling in greeting. "Hey, Kathy." He hesitated, as though he wasn't sure if he should call her that.

"Hi," Kathy replied, swinging her hands behind her back and clasping them together. "Dr. Keller told me you wanted to see me, Colonel Carter?"

"Yes, thank you for coming, Dr. Sanders," Colonel Carter said, her voice pleasant and friendly.

Kathy snorted in amusement. "Yeah, like I had a choice," she said. "You're the boss around here."

Colonel Carter chuckled briefly, and gestured to one of the chairs in her office. "Please, take a seat."

"Thanks," Kathy said, sinking down into the chair. "After what happened in the infirmary, I wouldn't mind taking a moment."

"That's what you're here for, actually," Colonel Carter told her. "I noticed how you conducted yourself back there, Doctor. It was quite impressive."

"Oh, please," Kathy waved a hand dismissively. "I was scared out of my mind."

"But obviously not completely out of it," Colonel Carter replied. "If you hadn't helped Colonel Sheppard back there, things could have gotten ugly."

Kathy didn't move. She knew that whatever this conversation was leading up to was serious, and she wasn't in any hurry to sluff it off.

"This isn't the first time you've been in a tight situation, Dr. Sanders," Colonel Carter said. "A glance at your file can say that."

Kathy's throat went dry, and a knot of panic clenched in her stomach. "I understood that part of my record would be kept strictly confidential," she said, her voice quick and sharp. "I made it very clear that those were my wishes."

"There's no need to worry, Dr. Sanders," Colonel Carter reassured her. "Only a handful of people here have clearance to view your files, myself and Colonel Sheppard included."

Kathy looked at up John, panic on her face. John-? But a look at his face showed that no, he had not read her file. But that didn't mean he wouldn't now, if the panic on her face was showing half the panic she was feeling. Shoot!

"Have you ever considered going offworld, Dr. Sanders?" Colonel Carter asked.

"No," Kathy replied emphatically. "No, I have not considered, and no, I don't want to."

"Why not?" John asked, looking at her as if she was insane.

Kathy looked up at him, and hesitated, feeling exposed. "I… I just… don't," she said, cringing as she heard her stammer. "Please, Colonel, just leave it at that."

Colonel Carter looked disappointed. "Very well, Dr. Sanders," she said. "I understand your hesitation. But if you ever decide to change your mind, please come see me."

"That won't happen," Kathy said firmly. And also, you don't understand.

A strange look appeared in Colonel Carter's eyes, but she just signaled for Kathy to leave the room. "You may go, Dr. Sanders."

"Thank you, Colonel," Kathy replied, trying to keep her voice civil. It wasn't that she didn't like Colonel Carter, on the contrary, she seemed like someone who was going to be great to work under, but the topic they had just spoken of had brought back many unwanted memories.

She rose quickly from her chair and left the Colonel's office, so tense she couldn't even nod back at Chuck when he called out a cheery hello from his station in the control room.

From there she went back to the infirmary as she was supposed to, but she found it hard to stay focused on anything. Jennifer noticed it of course, she was Jennifer, and she asked if Kathy was okay. Kathy gave a distracted reply that made Jennifer turn around from what she was doing and fix her full attention on the woman.

"Spill," she said, and though it was a command, it was spoken gently.

Kathy sighed, leaning up against the stained-glass window behind her. "They… she…. Colonel Carter's read my file," Kathy blurted out, ducking her head as she gnawed at her lip. "All of it."

The silence declared Jennifer's shock. "O-oh," she said awkwardly. "Um. I thought you would have known that."

"John has access to it, Jen," Kathy said, her forehead kneading with worry. "John can, at the click of a button, read about every single thing I've done in my life." She shivered. "I know that's what I signed up for when I got this job, it comes with territory, but… I always feel so ill at ease. What if he…"

"Why would it be such a big deal?" Jennifer asked. "I mean, he's a soldier. Why would it matter to him? Do you think it'll push him away?"

"I-I don't know," Kathy said, bowing her head and continuing to chew on her lip. "I don't know anything about this guy, Jennifer. Not really. And, well… I just can't stand the way people look at me, when they find out about you-know-what. You did it yourself for a while. So did Carson, and Elizabeth. But the looks didn't stay, thank God."

"The looks?" Jennifer looked at Kathy with a puzzled expression.

"I told someone about it once," Kathy said. "I was honest. I trusted this person, so I felt that it was something that I could do. But then, they never looked at me the same. They looked at me as if I was going to break at any moment, like I was broken, like I should be broken… but I'm not broken!" Kathy exclaimed, her fists clenching in frustration. "I healed a long time ago, and it's something I can look back on without flinching. Okay, so I do flinch, and occasionally I get a bad day, but that doesn't make me broken."

She bit her lip again and looked at up Jennifer. "Does it?"

Jennifer looked like she had just been caught in the headlights. "Um… you do realize you're asking the biggest foot-in-mouth person ever?"

"I realize I'm asking my friend," Kathy said frankly. "Foot-in-mouth doesn't mean a thing."

Jennifer nodded slowly. "All right… here's what I think. I think that yes, you've gone through a bit more than most people… or you just talk about it more than most people… and what you went through really messed you up, and left some pretty deep scars. But, I don't think that makes you broken, per se. I mean, you've moved on, you've made a life, bonded with people…"

"You're not saying something," Kathy said, looking at her friend sharply.

Jennifer winced. "Yeah, I'm not, it's just…"

"Go ahead, Jennifer. It's just us."

"I know." Now it was Jennifer doing the lip-biting. "It's just… maybe the fact that you try to keep it hidden is what keeps the scars from healing. I mean, you have healed, just… not all the way. And you can't heal all the way until you put it out into the light. I mean, even if I mention it you start to freak out."

Kathy frowned, and Jennifer winced again, lifting her hands in a protective manner. "I'm sorry, it's just…"

"It's fine, Jennifer," Kathy said softly. "I asked for your opinion, and you gave it. There's nothing to apologize for."

"So, what about Colonel Sheppard?" Jennifer asked. "Are you going to tell him, or are you going to wait until he finds out for himself?"

"I… I don't know," Kathy sighed. "I don't even know how to behave around the guy. I mean, sure, we seemed relaxed at lunch until we somehow stumbled across the area of relationships-turns out he used to be married, but got a divorce. Everything was kinda awkward after that."

"Colonel Sheppard was married?" Jennifer's eyebrows rose in surprise. "I can't see it."

"That's probably why it collapsed," Kathy said. "They just couldn't see it." She sighed. "It's a shame, really. In that moment, I could tell that what they had was so good… but they didn't know how to take care of it, how to let it grow. So they let it die."

Her eyebrows sank down. "It's sad how so many people give up without ever trying to look, really look, for the answer. It's right there, it's always been right there, but since when have people ever been eager for self-sacrifice?"

Jennifer nodded. Kathy could tell she was getting a little uncomfortable. Most people did when Kathy's talk turned serious. But Jennifer was too nice to say anything. And, the thing that Kathy really loved, she didn't try to avoid the talks either. She was starting to think the younger woman was actually listening when Kathy started talking like this. When they had first met she wasn't really sure.

"It's a lot of work, keeping a relationship together, isn't it?" Jennifer asked.

Kathy nodded. "It is. Seth and I have known each other for years now, and we're still laying the foundations. We haven't done anything deep. Heck, it was only until the day I left for this place that he kissed me for the first time." She chuckled. "Though, that might have been a last-bid attempt to get me to stay. It almost worked, he's a heck of a kisser it turns out."

Jennifer smiled. "Someone as sexy as your Seth, I wouldn't doubt it."

"You bet he's sexy, and he is mine, girl," Kathy replied, and Jennifer burst out laughing. The tension collapsed.

"He's all yours, Kathy," Jennifer gasped between giggles. "I wouldn't know what to do with a military man, anyway."

Kathy giggled too, and then her face softened. Seth. Oh, she missed her man more than she could say. His gorgeous green eyes, that short little bit of peach fuzz that substituted for hair in the Marine Corps, his deep-dimpled smile…

But, above all else, she missed their talks. About family. About work. About musicals. About each other. About themselves. About anything, really. And his hugs, oh, how she longed for his hugs!

"Hello, Atlantis to Kathy, Atlantis to Kathy," Jennifer called her back into the present time. "We've got some work to do, or are you going to play hooky on me?"

Kathy grinned. "Tom Sawyer. Totally."

Jennifer snorted. "Get over here."

Kathy chuckled, and walked away from the window to go join Jennifer.

…

John sat in his quarters, legs folded Native American style, with a touch-screen in front of him. He stared with his brow furrowed at the name of the file before him: Sanders, Dr. Katherine I.M.

He wasn't sure if he should click it. After all, it was Kathy's personal life. She was allowed to her own privacy. But that panicked look that had appeared on her face back in the control room had made him wonder.

What was Kathy Sanders hiding? What did she have to hide? Someone like her, the daughter of not one but two independently wealthy parents, could attract a lot of attention. A lot of enemies. John hadn't been around when Kathy had hit her teens, the really important years in a person's life as far as development went, so he had no idea what had gone on.

It had been clear that Kathy hadn't been telling a lot of the story when they had been talking at lunch, but then neither had John. They were still getting to know each other again. But that panicked look on her face, the fear that John might know, had set off nearly every alarm bell in John's possession. And he possessed a lot of those.

So here he was in his quarters, with access to Kathy's file a mere tap of a finger away. As second-in-command of Atlantis, John had clearance to view the complete files of anyone who lived here. But, considering there were hundreds of people who worked in the city, it was something John had never really gotten to. He read files as he saw fit.

John had long known that he would make a terrible paper pusher.

Still, he found himself hesitating. And he wasn't quite sure why. He and Kathy had just bumped into each other again. Why was it that he felt her unbroken trust was something that mattered so much? Seriously, they had only seen each other this morning. Why would he feel so inclined to trust her, and wait for her to tell him on her own?

Oh, forget that. With that kind of look on her face, she wasn't going to tell anyone. In a million years.

"Nothin' for it," John said, and his finger went forward to tap the name. But the finger froze right in front of the screen, as though halted by some invisible force.

John sighed.

Really, Sheppard? he asked himself. Really? Come on, what's the big deal? It's just some lady. But even as he thought that, another voice replied. No, she's the girl across the street. She's the girl who was born to roughhouse, and now she's a woman. She deserves a chance.

She's hiding something, John argued.

Everybody's hiding something. That doesn't necessarily make them dangerous.

Carter read her file.

Carter has to read everyone's files. She's the head of Atlantis, you moron.

John sighed. Fine. But if I've got the slightest feeling that something is wrong…

You can blame me. Or yourself. Not much of a difference anyway.

John sighed, and rolled his eyes. Good thing Rodney doesn't know that I engage in conversations with myself.

What difference would it make? He already knows you're insane.

Very funny, me, very funny.

I try.

John shook his head and stood up, tossing the tablet onto the bed before leaving his quarters. He knew he had to leave on a mission soon, and it was time to prepare. It was a busy life in Atlantis. It didn't seem to have an off switch.

But if he was honest with himself, he wouldn't have it any other way.

A/N: I'm double-posting today for two reasons: one, I feel really bad about spacing out on updates for the past few weeks. Two, I'm posting this same story on another website, and it's a chapter ahead there, so I'm evening it out. So you guys get two chapters today! :)

Honestly, I don't quite know where the mental conversation John has with himself and… himself came from. I mean, I know I do that, but John? Well, it's all in his own head. And really, how is it that we make decisions? There's always a part of us that considers the other option. I guess that's what's going on here.

What happened to Kathy? Someone so cheerful, how could it be something so rattling? How could she become involved in something so scarring?

And Seth. Kathy already said she doesn't date (unless you haven't been paying attention), so how does she have a man? Don't worry, it will be explained eventually.