Shadowed Past: Visions of Affliction

Chapter 5: The Saddest People Smile the Brightest

"Hey, are you almost ready?" Natasha asked from my bedroom. I was gathering a few last things in the bathroom for our trip to Clint's farmhouse for the weekend.

"Yeah," I sighed. "Sorry I'm slow."

"I just want to get out of here before they change their minds on letting us leave."

"I don't see why they don't let anybody get out every now and then. I mean, I get it, training is crucial and all, but people are going to lose their minds in here."

"You can say that again."

"And I don't know about you, but I miss JARVIS."

"What do you mean miss? He's still around, just, walking around on two feet with a head and limbs."

"I think it's awesome that he's in humanoid form now, but I miss the snide comments when I would be singing or doing something silly alone in a room. It was much easier to talk to people through him too, you could just command him to send a message and you would've even have to get up."

"You're just lazy. And I thought you were an Avenger." Natasha cooed teasingly.

I poked my head through the doorway and glared at her. "Now is not the time for snide comments. We're about to fly in a jet together for almost 20 hours, we don't need to be cranky."

"Hey, you're the one getting cranky. I'm just stating the facts."

"Whatever." I sighed.

It was silent for a moment before she spoke up again.

"So where's the birthday present?"

I poked my head out again, "That's classified information."

I returned to my packing as she continued, "You really don't trust me, do you?" She laughed.

"Can you blame me?"

"Not really but I don't see why letting us do you a favor for Steve is a bad thing!"

"I already told you this at the party weeks ago. I, am not, and most certainly will never, ever, try on that present."

"You're loss." She hummed.

I finished packing up my things, and as soon as I zipped up my bag, Steve opened the apartment door.

"Great! Now I have to watch you two suck face."

"Nice to see you too, Nat." Steve said, closing the door.

I walked over to Steve and purposefully began kissing him passionately, just to bother Nat.

"Get a freaking room."

"We are in our room," I cooed, turning my head only for seconds before kissing him again.

"I'm waiting out in the hall." She grumbled, brushing past us.

"You're just jealous!" I called.

"In your wildest dreams, kids!"

After the door had closed behind her, I pulled away and looked up at Steve, who was blushing beet red.

"Sorry," I chuckled. "She's been sassing me all afternoon, I figured it was time for a little sass myself."

"You don't see me complaining, do you?"

"Hmm, I don't know, you're a secretive man, Rogers." I said with a wink before spinning around to grab my bag off the bed.

"Leaving so soon?"

"Yeah, she's been bugging me about leaving for a couple of hours, but, who could say I wasn't stalling to see my beloved one last time?"

"Be safe. Call me when you get there and tell Clint I said hello."

"I will. Keep the newbies in line, and tell Wanda I'll see her soon."

"Will do."

He leaned down and kissed me passionately, holding me tightly against him. "I love you."

"Love you too, Captain."

The ride with Natasha started off quiet, but soon enough we couldn't bring ourselves to shut up. Natasha was a good friend, a little snippy sometimes, but, a little trait like that doesn't ruin a great friendship.

"Wait, wait, stop, I can't, I can't breathe," I choked out through laughs. I felt tears brimming my eyes as my lungs began to ache from lack of oxygen.

Natasha had been telling me stories about the pranks Clint, Tony and Thor would pull on Steve and Bruce. I lost it when she told me about the time that they hung all of Steve and Bruce's boxers on the flag pole outside.

"And what about the pair they had on?"

"We waited until they each took their showers."

"That's perfect, I wish was here for that one." I sighed, wiping one of the tears from my cheeks.

"Does Steve still wear boxers with American flags on them?" Nat piped up.

I hesitated before responding, "Yes."

She snickered, "I swear, if he wasn't married to you then he'd still be a virgin."

"I'm not denying it." I chuckled. "I love him, but, no matter how hard I try I always see little scrawny Steve underneath."

"How do you know what he used to look like?"

"I've seen many pictures, Peggy showed me thousands when I visited her."

"You visited Steve's old love of his life? Isn't that a little bit awkward?"

"Not really, after Steve was claimed dead she went on with her life. Got married and had kids. Not that they still don't love each other, but, she's tipping the scales. She's probably only got a few more years left, if that."

"Steve is technically the same age as her, you know."

"Yes, but you get my point."

It was silent for a moment before Natasha broke it. "Did you ever talk to Steve about kids?"

"Yes, I did, little miss nosey."

"I was just curious, geesh."

"In this line of life, if kids were to come along, then it would be a wonderful surprise. Kids aren't something you can just necessarily plan."

"So that's what you two are going with?"

"Yes. If we're blessed with kids then we'll raise them. If we're not, then we'll continue on living. There's really no other way to look at it."

Nat nodded gently in response.

"I honestly feel like, any of the male avengers would make great dads. Bruce has a little bit of a different story of course, but, don't we all?"

"I suppose we do," she paused. "But, Thor as a dad? Yikes."

"He would be a good dad, he would just have to be gentle, which is nearly impossible..." I trailed off.

"You're dragging this out."

"I know." I sighed.

"And Tony?"

"He actually seems really good with kids. Just because he's a little stuck up and reckless with us doesn't mean he'd be like that around children."

"We're talking about the same Tony, right?"

I chuckled. "I don't know. Maybe."

Suddenly an alert on the jet's dashboard started to beep, and Nat got up to go check it. She's set the plane to fly on auto-pilot, so Natasha and I were alone in a small quinjet minus our bags and weapons.

"What's wrong?" I called up to Nat as she started to fiddle with buttons.

"It's nothing, just a stupid weather alert but we'll be fine."

I heard thunder roll in the distance of the sky, and I knew who it had to be.

"It's probably just Thor popping in for a visit."

"It looks like we left just in time then."

"Aw come on, Thor's not that bad."

"He's a huge meat head with no sense of strength. Only destruction."

"And you wonder why you don't have any friends..." I muttered.

"I don't have the time for friends." She said coldly.

"Fair enough." I replied. "How long until we're at Clint's place?"

"A few more hours, nothing major. We've gotten the worst part of the trip over with."

Once we landed at Clint's house, his kids came running out first and Clint wasn't far behind.

"Auntie Natasha!" The two oldest boys cried, running up to Nat and hugging her legs tightly.

"Hey boys! Have you been bothering your father like I asked you to?" She muttered, leaning down to be closer to their height.

"Oh yeah! I put a red sock in the washing machine the other day and turned all of his white clothes pink!"

"Even his underwear!"

Both of the boys began laughing and Natasha messed up their hair like a proud older sister would.

"Hey strangers! What are you doing here?" Clint called, walking up to us.

"I thought we were invited," I chuckled, giving him a hug.

"Where you?"

"Was I?" I grinned.

"Oh cool it Barton your sarcasm gets worse every time I see you." Nat said, also sharing a quick hug with Clint.

"Nice to see you too, partner in crime. Did you make her grumpy on the way over here?" Clint asked.

"Well..."

"She started making out with Steve right in front of me before we left, though." Nat piped up.

"It was not making out!" I called back.

"Speaking of the old man, how did the present work?"

"I didn't even try it on!"

He looked at me, then at Natasha. "It's a long story. I'll tell you later." She mouthed so the kids wouldn't hear.

"Let's start getting your things inside before it gets dark. And Laura is making your favorite for dinner, Nat."

"I'm afraid to ask." I muttered to myself, walking back up into the jet to grab my bags.

Once all of Nat and I's things were inside, we took them to our rooms for the weekend. Mine was across the hall from hers, and was only a small guest room, but I loved the home-like feel that Clint's house had. It surprised me still that someone like him was able to settle down like this after all he's done for the world.

I went downstairs then to meet Laura, Clint's wife.

"Hi, it's so nice to finally meet you." She said, warming and inviting as she hugged me. "I've heard so much about you from these two."

"Good or bad?" I chuckled.

"Good. Great, as a matter of fact. The others...not so much."

"That doesn't surprise me at all."

Suddenly the two oldest boys came running by, one clinging to my left leg to hide from his brother who had been chasing him all over the house.

"And who are these two jumping beans?" I asked.

"The one on your leg is Callum, and the other is Lewis." She paused, only for a baby's crying to erupt in the background. "And that is baby Nicole."

"I've got her," Clint called from the kitchen, darting off to attend to his child.

"Well make yourself at home, I have to finish dinner."

"Thank you," I smiled politely.

"No problem." She smiled back.

"What's your name?" Callum asked, looking up at my towering figure.

"My name's Alex." I grinned.

"Isn't that a boy's name?" Lewis piped up.

"My full name is Alexis, but I go by Alex instead."

"That's like how I call Lewis Louie sometimes!"

"Yeah! And do you know what that's called?" I asked, squatting down to match their height.

"A nickel?" Lewis asked.

"Close, but a nickname. You had the start of it."

"Is it called a nickname if I call Callum a turd?"

"Hey!" Callum called.

"Yes, but that's a bad kind of nickname."

"Hey Callum! Catch me if you can you big turd!"

"Get back here you little crap head!"

Callum and Lewis then resumed their considerably lethal game of tag, and darted away through the house.

"They're already warming up to you." Nat said, walking up to me.

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"I think you're good with kids. You'd make a great mom."

"Thanks, I guess it's just matter of if I ever have my own."

"Heads up, baby on board." Clint said, walking in holding baby Nicole.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and little wisps of blonde hair resting atop her newborn head.

"She's so precious," I said, holding out my hand in which she wrapped all of her little tiny fingers around my one index finger.

"Hey baby girl," I grinned, causing her to smile.

"Do you want to hold her?" Clint asked.

"I'd love to." I smiled.

He handed her to me, and I clutched the warm bundle of life in my arms.

"Hi baby," I said softly, and she turned her head up. Her bright blue eyes pierced my violet ones. I walked and gently rocked her, whispering little things and making her laugh. Clint was watching from the doorway, a warm grin on his face.

"You'd make a pretty great mom, Alex." He said.

"Oh, thanks." I sighed. Why did everyone keep saying that?

"Have you and Steve considered having kids?"

"Yeah, but, in this line of life it's just so difficult. You're lucky to have an escape."

He nodded. "I understand, it's a big risk. Whenever I was out in battle that's all I could think of. My wife and kids, my family...making it home again."

I looked down at little Nicole, who was teething on some of her fingers.

"How did you decide?"

"My wife and I talked, and, we both really wanted kids. I knew that I'd have to weave my way out of the whole avenging the world thing at some point if I did have children, but it's worth it. We saved lots of people as a team, and everyone's gotta settle down at some point in their life."

I nodded, understanding what he was saying and also upset that he was basically saying a farewell to working with the team.

"I don't know if I like all of this change..." I blurted out. "I mean, I get it, time goes on, things change, but, it's just surprising that all the years I've spent with you and the others are slowly turning into distant memories already. Where did the time go?"

"Time flies when you're having a good time, as they say."

"Amen, brother." I said.

"But don't look at change as a bad thing. Be bold, be ready for it. If we kept doing the same thing for ever and ever, we'd be sick of it. It's better to have good times to look back at than a constant drag of the same thing for what feels like forever."

"No, no, I totally understand, it's just, different, I guess. I love Wanda, and I loved Pietro, the temporary base isn't the best of my friends but I'll make it work."

"That's the spirit."

Nicole started to get restless in my arms, and I handed her over to Clint who kicked into immediate dad-mode, making me grin.

He talked to her with so much love in his voice, and the smile never left his lips.

"What's it like, to be a dad?"

"I think it's amazing. I mean, everything has it's ups and downs but, being a parent is...incredible."

I gave him a small smile.

"I'll never forget when my Laura told me she was pregnant with out first child. At first, you're unsure of yourself. Will I be a good parent? What if they don't like me? Will I make the same mistakes my parents made? But, after you hold them for the first time, all of that washes away and you feel pride for the little gift of life you're holding in your hands. And the only thing you want to do is keep them safe."

There was a pause.

"I think you'd be a wonderful mother, Alex. And I really mean it."

"Thanks." I sighed.

There was soft knock on the doorway, and we both looked up to see Laura standing there. "Dinner's ready, if you want some that is."

"That's a silly question, honey." Clint said lovingly, walking over to her. He gave her a quick kiss on the lips, and they gave each other a loving look.

It made me miss my spouse.

"I'll be in a minute, you guys can go ahead and start." I said, rising from the couch.

"Oh, are you sure? We can wait...is something wrong?" Laura asked kindly.

"No, I'm just going to make a quick call to my husband, I forgot to call him when we got in."

"Oh, alright. Just let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you, again. You're just too kind."

She smiled before returning to the kitchen and I walked to the other room. I whipped out my phone and dialed Steve's number as quick as could, worrying about him pacing around the apartment worrying about me. Nat and I had been at Clint's for over an hour by now, and I'd completely forgotten to call Steve and let him know we'd arrived safely.

The phone rang only one and a half times before Steve's answered. "Hello?"

"Hi hon!"

"Alex? Is everything okay?"

"Yes everything's great!" I chuckled.

"I was getting worried..." He began.

"Nat and I are fine, we've just been busy ever since we got here. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner."

"It's fine!" He said quickly. Steve was cute when he was all apologetic, even over the phone.

"So how are things back at the fort?" I asked.

"Uh, good I suppose. Piper's here-"

"Hi Alex!" Piper shouted into the phone.

"Hey, Piper," I said, pulling the phone away from ringing ear.

"How was your flight?" She asked.

"It was good! Smooth landing."

"That's great! Steve and I are going through all of your old textbooks to see if-"

Steve stole the phone back, "So how's Clint's place, is everything good there?"

"Steve, why are you two going through my old books?"

He sighed before speaking, "I think you know why."

"Please don't be worrying about me. I'll be home in a couple of days, and we can look at stuff then."

"And please don't be worrying about us, either. Aren't you supposed to be on vacation?"

"Steve..."

"Alex, I love talking to you, but didn't you say that your dinner was ready?"

"Okay, fine. Just, please don't hurt yourselves." I sighed in defeat.

"We won't. I love you."

"Love you too, I'll talk to you soon."

Later that night, I was restless in bed.

I kept tossing and turning, fluffing my pillow, ruffling the sheets, but I was still wide awake.

The conversation Clint and I had earlier was still soaring in my head.

It made me think about my future. So much had changed in only about a decade to now. I went from living alone in an old beaten down apartment, barely able to afford it, at the bottom of the food chain as they say. And now, I'm married to one of the nation's greatest heroes (which was something I'd cry myself to sleep about, thinking marriage would never come up in my life), in the center of a loving family known as the Avengers to most, and had saved the world.

And all of it happened in the blink of an eye.

Where would I be at next?

There are two possible ways to go.

Sink back down the bottom,

or rise up and keep my head above the water.

The war had begun.

Ultron walked the planet with two feet and dark red eyes. Red eyes that stared into the soul.

Red eyes, just like mine that morning in the mirror.

Red like flames, scorching life into ashes that fly loose in the wind.

Red like a rose, appearing soft and gentle, but wielding thorns, used to tear the skin and draw blood.

Red like blood, the crimson fluid keeping me alive.

Red like the sky when the sun meets the Earth and the dawn and end of each day.

Red like my eyes, pain hiding behind tears of glass and innocent smiles.

I awoke the next morning with a full sheen of sweat coating my pale skin.

The only thing I saw the entire night was the same thing I'd seen in the mirror that morning.

My red eyes.

I still hadn't told anyone about them yet.

But then again, they hadn't appeared again.

Only in my dreams.

Later that day, Clint was outside tending to his animals (mostly his chickens) and Nat was helping Laura in the kitchen. I felt so awkward and useless, because I wasn't quite sure what to do. I wasn't necessarily in the mood for messing with animals, and I wasn't a big cook either. Baby Nicole was sleeping; Callum and Lewis were off doing something somewhere.

I'd walk up and down the main stairs almost a million times. I would go upstairs, check my phone, then head back down. About five minutes later, I'd walk straight up the stairs again. I mean, it was great getting to visit, but, I never imagined it would turn out to be this boring.

As I was about to make my next trip back upstairs, Callum came running through the hall and clutched his small body to my leg. He was panting heavily, and he looked up at me with fear filled eyes.

"What's wrong, little buddy?"

"I, I was outside, gonna go see daddy but, there was a bee."

"A bee?!" I asked, acting like he'd just seen a ghost.

"Yeah! I hate them!" He replied.

I squatted down to his level as he unraveled his limbs from leg, and looked him in the eyes.

"I don't like bees either," I began.

"Why do you hate them? I hate them because one time, I was helping dad and one stung my arm."

"Ouch! Well, one never stung me, but I hate them because of their stingers. I'm so scared one is going to attack me that I always run away!"

"Me too! Mommy says to just step on them, but what if I don't kill it and it stings me!"

"I've heard the best thing to do is stand still, and pretend to be a statue."

"Really?"

"Yeah, c'mere, it's a little secret my friend told me,"

He leaned in a little closer, and I whispered, "bees can't see you when you're not moving. They'll just fly right by you. I promise."

"Whoa! That's so cool! I'm gonna go try it!"

"Be careful!" I called after him as he ran back outside.

He darted right past Nat, who was coming my way when he decided to bolt off again.

"I don't think I've ever seen you that enthusiastic..."

I dropped my shoulders, rolling my eyes and exhaling. "I was going it for him. You can't just be blunt with these little kids."

"I know, I know." She grinned. "I guess I just never saw how well you were with them."

"Yeah, me either."

The weekend seemed to fly by, and before I knew it, I was back in the jet with Natasha.

It didn't sink into my head that I missed Clint's sass and sarcasm until after we'd left. The constant bad jokes on missions, and when he would fight with Thor over food. I missed the rascal.

I missed the team.

I missed the Avengers that saved New York City from the Chitauri...even though I hadn't joined them yet.

Back at the base, Steve was impatiently waiting for us when the jet arrived.

When he opened the apartment door for me, I only saw Piper surrounded by textbooks and papers when I walked in.

Time to go to work.

"Have you guys found out anything yet?" I questioned.

"Not really, nothing pertaining to you yet at least. I mean, there's some old lore about nightmares caused by ghosts or evil spirits, but they pertain to a specific evil spirit or ghost that would be currently haunting the victim." Piper rambled.

"Eh, I highly doubt it's a ghost. That's a little off the walls, Piper."

"And that kills any of my solutions I've thought of for the past couple of days." Piper sighed.

"What mythology origins have you checked?"

"Um, Greek, Roman, a bunch of different random myths and legends..."

"And they've all said the same thing?"

"According to those a ghost would be our only answer."

"A ghost just doesn't make any sense though."

"What about Norse?" I asked.

"Do you really think this has anything to do with Thor?"

"Not Thor, Piper. Norse mythology is huge, it could have anything related to our, my, problem in it."

"Go nuts. I'm not huge on the whole viking age anyways."

"Well, I happen to enjoy Norse. It's actually quite interesting."

"Alex, stop it you sound like you went to Harvard or something."

"Nope, I'm just a geek." I grinned, pulling out a Norse book and flipping the pages.

After hours of nothing but Steve, Piper and I flipping through old books, we still hadn't found an answer.

"Maybe we're looking too deep into this," I sighed.

"What do you mean?" Steve asked.

"I don't know, maybe I am just going crazy. Maybe I do have Parkinson's disease or I'm suffering from diamensia. It's possible."

"Alex, there's no way. The doctor even told me, he's only making an educated guess, there's no true physical proof behind his reasoning."

"After almost thirteen hours of doing nothing between reading books between the three of us and there's still no answer. Steve, his guess seems most logical at this point in time."

"No, I'm not letting you quit. Even if it's on yourself. We're finding and answer, Alex. I'm not going to let you suffer like this."

"I don't want this, trust me, I've been craving a good night's sleep even since all of this started happening, but I don't want everyone devoting their lives to my problem. It's okay, I'll be fine."

"I'm not giving up, on you, on finding an answer, on anything."

"And I'm not saying that I want to quit, I'm just looking at reality."

"Since when has that stopped us?" Piper chimed in.

Steve and I both looked over at her.

"Okay, I'm not very good at pep talking, but, do you two realize how many crazy things we've done together? Our lives are anything but normal! As a matter of fact, here I am, one of the only physically normal people in this building. I'm standing in front of two super humans, physically and mentally. We've left reality behind, and it can eat our dust."

The next day, Piper came over first thing in the morning and we continued our researching.

I picked out another Norse book to read through, and about a third of the way through it, a term crossed my eyes that made my body freeze.

I'd seen it before...I recognized it, even though I didn't have the slightest clue where I was recalling it from.

Seidr

...a form of magic in Norse Mythology concerned with discerning and alternating the course of destiny by re-weaving part of destiny's web. Seidr was possibly the most powerful form of magic in Norse history, and was the only form of magic that could change someone's destiny.

"But what would a destiny changing magic have to do with me?" I muttered to myself.

"What was that, Alex?" Piper asked.

"Oh, nothing, just thinking out loud..." I muttered, my eyes remaining glued to the five letter word on the old paper.

"Alex...did you find something?" She asked.

"Maybe..." I practically whispered.

"What is it?!" She screeched, running over to me. Steve wasn't far behind.

"See-dur?" Piper asked.

"Seidr, Piper, it's old Norse magic."

"What does that have to do with your nightmares?"

"I don't know...but, this word, it's making my bones rattle. I've seen it before, or heard it at least. I know this word, but, I don't at the same time."

Source Notes:

According to the Marvel website Clint has three kids, two boys names Callum and Lewis and also baby Nicole, who is named after her godfather (Nick Fury). I couldn't remember how Clint's kids were portrayed in Age of Ultron so I just looked it up from the main source instead.

The research I did about Seidr was found on a website called Norse Mythology for Smart People. ((I would post the URL here but every time I do it disappears.)) The page was titled Seidr, and there was no author or published listed. Some references were listed under the article on the web page. All credit goes to whoever wrote that article!