May 29, 2004

"She's pretty strong willed. Surprising for one with her personality." I was standing, leaning my back into the back of Ryuzaki's chair. She had stayed silent through quite a bit of torture.

"I can't believe you're okay with this, Reiko." Light muttered. I focused my eyes on him.

"It isn't that I'm 'okay' with this. I honestly feel sick at the thought that there's even a reason my fellow man is being mistreated. But I know the reason behind it, and I'm not as upset at the thought of catching a murderer with a God complex." My voice stayed low, but my teeth clenched. Light looked baffled at my irritated expression. The others eyed me warily.

"Reiko, why don't you get something to eat? Just because Watari isn't here to remind you doesn't mean that you can get away with not eating." Ryuzaki spoke in an innocent manner. I froze. He had been colder than usual to me all day. It had brought out all my insecurities in one fell swoop. And now he was talking to me?

"I haven't eaten yet?" I began counting back the hours.

"No, you haven't." Ryuzaki confirmed. My stomach finally let me hear its protest at being mistreated. I winced.

"Will you order a tuna salad sandwich? I don't care what you choose for the side." I mumbled as I made a quick escape to my room. I quickly gulped down a vitamin, pulling a face at the taste as it passed my tongue.

I walked back in to hear Ryuzaki finishing off the order. "Yes, and a cream soda...Yes... Okay, thank you." I leaned over and hugged him.

"You're the best." He stiffened under my touch. I let go, and plopped myself into my chair. My back was against one of the armrests, while my right leg draped itself over the other and my left leg hung off the edge of the seat. Light stared at me in shock. I noticed that Ryuzaki still hadn't eased up. I nudged him with my right foot. "Calm down. It was just a hug. It's not like I kissed you or anything."

"Please refrain from touching me." His voice was tight. I caught a glimpse of his face before he hid away in his hair. He almost seemed guilty. I sat up in my chair properly.

"Of course. Sorry." I pulled my book from under my chair, and began reading normally. I hadn't read anything normally in a long time. When the food came, I ate quickly, avoiding any gazes that strayed my way. It was almost dinner time when Light ushered me aside.

"I was wondering if you would like to go out to dinner tonight?" Light smiled.

"Light, I really appreciate that you're attracted to me, but I'm not interested. You're too young for my tastes, and to be honest? I hate going out. So please stop." I tried being polite, but I could feel the attempt fall flat. "Besides. I'm more focused on the case than anything."

"Oh. Of course..." Light leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Don't worry, you'll come around." I felt him give me a peck on the cheek. I stood there frozen for a moment. He and the others had decided to go eat elsewhere.

Ryuzaki stared at my frozen form. Then the nausea came sweeping in like a hurricane. I made a mad dash for the toilet. I felt the absence of a certain genius detective.

I walked out after rinsing out my mouth. "I ordered your dinner." His voice Floated from his seat.

"Okay." I answered dully.

"It's a bit annoying." I could feel my temper short out.

"What is?" I tried to sound nonchalant.

"You know, I don't much care for your tactics for a lot of things. Getting me to rest the way you did last night really brought it to my attention." He kept his voice even, but I could hear his irritation..

"And I don't care. I do what I need to do to get results. I don't rely heavily on mind games." I shot back.

"You are reckless. The main suspect already knows your real name, which I suppose couldn't have been helped, but even without that, you put yourself in a lot of danger in your side cases." He continued as if I didn't speak.

"I'd rather live with the danger than be safe and merely surviving." I hissed.

"Perhaps you ought to think about surviving for the sake of the child!" He raised his voice at me, glaring in his fury.

"I AM THINKING OF OUR CHILD!" I shouted. "I WANT HIM OR HER TO HAVE A MOTHER AND A FATHER!"

"AT THIS RATE IT MAY NOT HAVE EITHER!" We both stared at each other as the words sank in. He opened his mouth. "I-"

"You're right. But maybe right now this child already is missing a father." I heard myself say. It was wrong. My voice always held a smidge of emotion at least. But now it was devoid of anything. I could feel my insides ripping themselves apart in my misery. We stayed silent as we waited for our food. I was quick to eat my dinner, trying to choke it down despite the fact that it tasted like sand to me. I didn't even pay attention to what it was. I was aware of his eyes watching me. I ignored him. I finished my plate and placed it back on the cart and escaped to my room. I locked my door and flung myself into bed.

I stared at the wall as I let silent tears trickle from my eyes. I placed a hand over my womb. It's okay, little one. Mommy's still here. I closed my eyes. Mommy will never leave you.

June 2, 2004

I opened the door to my room that morning to see Ryuzaki staring at three monitors. I had heard all the kerfuffle the other day, but had barely even opened my door to take food, so I could only assume I knew what was happening beyond the walls of my room. I stared at the three screens, ignoring the detective who had turned around to stare at me. I didn't blame him. I looked like death warmed over. My skin had a sickly pallor to it, and my eyes had dark rings around them. My hair was duller than it usually was.

"You cut your hair." It was a statement. Neither approval or disapproval. I looked him with dead eyes.

"Yes." I didn't elaborate on the fact that every time I combed out my hair I felt his fingers running through the lifeless tresses. I didn't even elude to the fact that the only reason it had been chopped off in a bastardized bob cut was the emotional stress he had inflicted on me.

He watched my face for any sign of emotion. He found none. He turned back to the televisions. "Is everything alright?" His eyes didn't stray from the screens again.

"I'm alive." I answered. I picked up the hotel phone. "Hello... yes, I would like some toast brought up... Yes, and honey spread... yes... Orange juice will do... yes... Thank you." I put up the receiver.

"Just toast?" Ryuzaki asked with an even tone. "Shouldn't you be eating more?"

"I'm not hungry." I moved to a chair much farther from him. His hands gripped the armrests of his chair.

"I see." He began to chew his thumb nail. At that moment, Aizawa and Matsuda walked in through the door.

They paused at the sight of me out of my room. I moved to my easel, deciding to paint today.

I used greys and dull browns for the main subject of my painting. I planned to depict a young woman turned away from the viewpoint. Her face could barely be seen, but it was obvious that she was crying. Her arms wrapped around her middle as if to comfort herself. On her back were bloody stubs where wings once were. Blood dripped down her back from her opened wounds. I began to paint the background in black at the top, but the bottom seemed to glow an eery orange.

"Your food is here." Ryuzaki murmured behind me.

"I'll eat in a little while." I barely moved from my spot, avoiding looking at him.

"You need to eat." He insisted. I sighed. I carefully swiped my brush across the top in a quick scrawl. Such is the place where dreams go to die.

I was careful to avoid his eyes as I set my paints down. I left the room to be sure I was paint free. As soon as I was sure I had no paint on my person, I went back to eat. I was quick to eat my toast as I began checking through other case files I had to look through.

"What are you doing?" He looked over to me to the other's discomfort.

"Working." I tucked a shorn lock of hair behind my ear.

"..." I looked up to see him glaring in irritation.

I continued to read the case files. None of them were difficult, or would even need me to leave the room. I stood to leave the room, only to have Ryuzaki stand to follow me. I continued to my room, ignoring him. I let him enter my room and sat myself on my bed. I reached for my phone, but he grabbed my wrist.

"Are you doing this to torture me?" He sounded angry.

"Doing what? Working? I have to keep working. A single mother has to be able to provide for her child." I spoke evenly. He squeezed my wrist slightly. Not enough to hurt, but enough to prove that the thought bothered him.

"...single mother..." He almost whispered.

"I'm pretty sure what we experienced last night was considered a 'break up'." I spoke. "That means we aren't together. We're single." I pulled my wrist out of his grip and frowned. "I'm single and I'm going to be a mother relatively soon. So I have to provide."

"No." His arms encircled me. I could feel he tenseness in his form.

"Ryuzaki..."

"No." It was barely a whisper.

"Lawliet." I spoke sternly.

"No! I can't bear this!" His arms tightened. "I don't want you to see yourself as a single mother. I don't want you to feel alone in this. I want..." His voice died in his throat. "I want us to still be together. It's hell watching you be like this."

I closed my eyes to fight off the tears. "That's not how it sounded last night." My voice was hollow, even to my ears.

"I was irritated." He held me tightly. "But I never meant to say what I did. I love you both, and I worry about you both. But it is more difficult while trying to focus on this case."

"Isn't that why I'm here?" My arms finally wrapped around him. "They say the wife is supposed to hold up the husband in times of need. We may not be married, but we are both detectives. Whatever you miss, I'll catch. And vice versa. And I'm sorry. I over reacted that night. I suppose my hormones are making me more emotional."

"You're right." He murmured into my neck. "You are more emotional." I chuckled.

"I know." He pulled away. We stared at one another for a moment. He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on my mouth.

"Hurry back out when you're done." And he was gone. I felt tears drip down my face, and I cursed my pregnancy hormones.