Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans. If that wasn't obvious.
"Hey Raven, what does 'spon-tay-nee-us-ly combust' mean?" Beast Boy questioned one day.
Without taking her eyes off her page, Raven answered, "It means 'Beast Boy, don't go near'."
The green teen thought for a minute, his eyes lighting up suddenly. "I get it! So does that mean Cyborg could say, 'Spontaneously combust Raven when she's angry'?"
Before Raven could retaliate over Cyborg's guffaws from the kitchen, the whole tower shook. No one paid any attention to it (after all, this WAS California) until a cry went out.
"Robin! I believe I have done the catching of a terrible affliction!"
Mr. Furiously-Typing-Up-Reports-On-Mysterious-Subjects stopped typing, his masked eyes wide with terror. Wait...terrible could mean fatal and affliction could mean disease...fatal disease...I'M COMING, STARFIRE!
The alien princess had found her way to the Ops Center, and Robin skidded in milleseconds later. "It's gonna be okay, Star! Phone, phone, where's the phone?"
Beast Boy whistled softly. What? It had been a BRILLIANT idea to strap the phone to the remote, so they could always call the remote when they lost it...too bad that was the only phone on this floor...that wasn't his fault.
"Take a communicator, genius," drawled Raven, concerned but emotionless. "Call 9-1-1."
As if Robin was born yesterday.
"Call Area 51!" corrected Cyborg.
As if Robin didn't know Starfire was an alien.
"CALL JERRY SPRINGER!" cried Beast Boy frantically.
As if Robin would listen to him.
Starfire hiccuped innocently.
The whole tower and everything in it trembled as if shocked by a mad scientist, including the bones in the Titans' bodies. Starfire flushed and held out an empty Pepsi can. "This is a wonderful beverage, but I--" Hic! (Rumble). "--believe the risks are far too high. Perhaps we may--" Hic! (Rumble). "--purchase the bottles of mustard to replace this? It does not--" Hic! (Rumble). "--give me such terrible teacups."
"They're called hiccups, Star. Teacups are what you put tea in...you know, to drink," Cyborg explained. Robin would have, but he was busy freaking out.
Hic! (Rumble).
"Which Cyborg makes with WHOLE MILK! COW KILLER!"
Hic! (Rumble).
"They don't kill cows to get milk, stupid!"
Hic! (Rumble).
"The cows get osteoporosis!"
HIC! (RUMBLE).
"You know what osteoporosis is but you can't figure out 'spontaneously combust'?" Raven asked.
HIC! (RUMBLE)!
"Wait! Before you two start bickering again, does Starfire have a fatal disease or not?"
HIC! (RUMBLE)!
"I told you you should've called Jerry Springer! He would've answered that!"
HIC! (RUMBLE)!
"She's got the hiccups, Robin. Not exactly fatal."
"She's Tamaranian though!"
Starfire let out a monstrous hiccup that registered a good 9.5 on the Richter Scale. In Jump City, citizens were running amok, buildings were trembling, and Chicken Little screamed, "THE SKY IS FALLING!"
"On second thought, maybe we should do something about the teacups before they do get fatal," muttered Beast Boy.
"Water! Get her water!"
Beast Boy morphed elephant, turned on the sink tap with his trunk, and drank up almost three gallons of water. He turned to Starfire and blasted it all in her face, shooting her back into the wall.
Robin was nearly hysterical. "Beast Boy, we're trying to stop the hiccups, not knock her out!"
"Do not--" HIC! "--fret, friend, I am quite alright. I was merely--" HIC! "--caught off guard."
"Well how does a Tamaranian get hiccups? You have nine stomachs! How many diaphragms do you have, girl?" inquired Cyborg, clearly fretting.
"Only three."
"Well, that's okay then," Raven deadpanned.
"So which one is the problem?"
"I am not sure. This is not a very common problem with Tamaranians, as caffienated beverages are not part of our normal diet."
"Who knows what else can happen?"
Starfire hiccupped again. CRACK.
"I hope that wasn't the Tower's foundation," whispered Cyborg, as if another noise would topple the giant T immediately.
"Friends, these teacups are most uncomfortable."
Robin had torn all of his hair out three times. "It's hurting her, somebody do something, can't you cure her, Raven?"
The dark empath thought for a minute. "I think I can." She pointed a finger at Beast Boy, and suddenly the changeling was engulfed in black flames.
Starfire screamed. "Friends! Beast Boy has spontaneously combusted!"
...
"It worked!" Cyborg breathed a huge sigh of relief. "She's okay!"
"But what about Beast Boy?"
The green bean emerged from the flames, dazed and confused but unharmed. "He'll be okay," muttered Raven offhandedly. "It wasn't supposed to hurt him. Crisis over. Problem solved. If you need me, I'll be in my room...don't need me."
The crack in the Tower groaned and creaked, threatening to topple the whole building. "I believe the case of the terrible teacups has affected the Tower as well. Perhaps Raven should spontaneously combust Beast Boy again so it will heal?"
"She said not to bother her, Star," Robin advised. "I would listen, if I were you, or Beast Boy might not be the only one spontaneously combusting..."