Dean felt like he was missing huge patches of time. They were on their computers for most of the weekend. Sam had uploaded tons of digital versions of the bunker's library onto his laptop some years ago. Claire had shown up with a usb key that had a few gigs more on it. Dean had just groaned and transferred the files over. Much of the time together was spent in silence. On Sunday though, after still turning up nothing on weird patches of light or God or stalker prophets, Claire broke the silence. "Sam said you were having a rough time."

"Don't see why he'd say that." His response didn't happen to be a denial. He really didn't get why Sam would bring it up with Claire.

"He said you'd been missing him more lately, that you were taking it hard."

"Sam shouldn't go around sharing my business." Dean didn't look at her. He kept his focus laser sharp on the screen in front of him.

"I miss him too." Her voice had shifted into something softer. Usually she carried the same sharp edges in her tone that Cas had. There was a rough layer of menace that she could draw on just like he had when the occasion called for it. Now though, she had a sadness coating everything. He felt bad for being short with her. She had lost just as much as he had after all.

"It's only hard on the good days." He looked up at her and saw her eyes fall into a sympathetic squint, also like Cas. He wondered if Jimmy had done that too.

"And on the bad days?

"Some of those are hard too."

She turned back to her computer and typed away until she had pulled up something of note. She turned the laptop to him and pointed at something. "Read this."

He looked at the screen and said, "I've already read all of them. I don't need to read them again."

"Just this one part. I think that it matters, the knowing." She tapped the screen again and gave him a pointed nod as she looked away. Dean let out a humph of exasperation and took the laptop.

"Fine." He read through the passage from one of Chuck's books. It was from a moment that he had shared with Cas. And because Chuck was, well Chuck, he had included some choice internal monologues for both he and Cas. Dean told himself that he hadn't thought like that at all, not one bit, no sir, but deep down, he knew that it was not all that far off the mark.

Then there was Cas. The things that Chuck included, the self-doubt, the concern, the affection. Cas seemed to have felt everything in way that was one part confusion, another part absolute and total acceptance. He hated himself, and at the same time was selfish. He was ready to die fighting alongside Dean in one instant, and in the next ready to say, forget the world, we don't die today. He scrolled past the parts that Claire had pointed out and read from Chuck's narration.

What made Castiel special, what made him more than just another angel, was his capacity to love. He had spent lifetimes watching humanity weave lives in a vivid tapestry of wars and suffering, passion and creativity. He had seen the best and the worst that humanity had to offer before he met Dean. Yet until that moment, when an angel of the Lord had pulled a broken man from perdition, he had not understood any of it. It was not personal. It was like watching a television program about fascinating characters. At the end of the hour, one could turn off the TV and turn to other things. It was that way for Castiel.

Then there was Dean. Castiel did not want to turn away from him. And that was the difference. Castiel wanted something. It was selfish maybe, yet at the same time it wasn't selfish at all. He'd give up everything if it meant that Dean would have just one good day. Who knows what he'd do if he could guarantee him a good sacrifices would he make if he could know that Dean would get to have peace, a little slice of normalcy. In the fight against Lucifer and all that Hell could unleash, some would give all, and Castiel would be one of them. That was what made him special and would always make him special. It was his capacity to love beyond all that God had ever asked. Humanity and Dean Winchester could ask for nothing more from this angel than that.

Dean handed the laptop back to Claire. Dean said, "Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I'm going to bed. Some of us have to work tomorrow."

She stood up and set a hand on his arm, stopping his progress. "I always knew how it was with you both, but to read it makes it different. He really loved you."

"None of that matters, Claire. Get some sleep." He moved past her to his room.

"You're wrong Dean. It all matters. We wouldn't be so sad about him if it didn't."

He turned back to her and he was angry. He didn't want to be angry with her, but he was. She was stirring things up that had settled, things that didn't need to be brought up. This was why he didn't hunt, or consult. This was why he put hours of driving between himself and the bunker. "Yeah, Claire it all matters!" he yelled. "Everything fucking matters okay. He's not here. He died thinking that he was saving me and maybe the world, but really he was just out to protect me from Amara. He gave up everything. And what came of it? I get to live this shitty life in this shitty apartment alone. Fuck him and his stupid choices and his stupid sacrifices. Fuck him for thinking that he was expendable and that I didn't need him." He was not yelling now. Instead he was crying. He was shaking standing in the doorway to his room, his fingers curled around the door frame, nails digging into the paint.

"Dean." Her tone was too sympathetic again, quiet like Cas would get when he wanted him to talk about what was bothering him. He couldn't listen to her sounding like him.

"Drop it, Claire. Don't bring it up again." He went into his room, slamming the door in his wake.

Monday came and with it sunshine bright and full on his face. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and ran a hand back up through his hair. His eyes felt gritty and sore. He rubbed them with the heels of his palms and got up. He made his way into the kitchen where coffee was already brewed and Claire was already hovering.

"Morning," she said. She took her cup to the kitchen table and sipped from it while she stared at her laptop.

"Morning." He poured a cup for himself and added a little sugar, gave it a stir, and tossed the spoon into the sink.

He took a seat at the table and pulled his bag over to him. He rummaged until he found his folder with the day's plans meticulously laid out. He read through them and set the gears to working in his mind. This was how he started most days. He liked to think through the lecture in peace and quiet just once more before go time. He put the papers back into the bag and noticed that Claire was watching him. He rolled an eyebrow up just daring her to try revisiting the discussion from the night before. Instead she asked, "Mind if I tag along when you go to work?"

"Why?"

"Dunno, thought it might be interesting. If it isn't I can just go hang in the library and do research there."

"Been cooped up in here for too long." Dean looked around the apartment and then added, "Sure. I'll be leaving in about a half hour. Think you can be ready?"

"Easy."

Today he had one of his morning classes, so he wouldn't likely be impressing Claire with his lecture style then. He didn't really care about that though. Mondays were also a bit routine, but in a good way. He taught the morning class, had lunch with Charlotte, graded some assignments, ran the afternoon planetarium show for the public, and then had a night class.

Claire was ready to go even before he was. They were out the door and off to the school like this was something the two of them did on the regular. Dean found himself smiling a little at the thought of it. "You're gonna be bored today."

"Doubtful."

"You like astronomy?"

"Stars are cool."

"Hmmm." Dean pulled into his usual space at the far end of the lot.

"You know there are tons of spaces right at the front."

"Yep, and tons of cars park there. No one parks over here."

She rolled her eyes at him. "One of these days, old man, you're gonna have to stop babying your car. Time to let her grow up."

"Ain't nothing wrong with protecting the things that matter." He got out and gave the steering wheel an affectionate pat as he left. Claire walked at his side, laptop slung over her shoulder in a compact little bag. He got to his classroom, and Claire set up her laptop at the back like she was a student. "You ever thought about doing the college thing?"

"Shut-it, Dean. I get enough of that from Jody."

He held up two placating hands. "Wasn't gonna harass, just asking."

"Yeah, well I take a lot of grief from her about not going. She still says, every chance she gets, it's not too late, Claire." Claire said the last in a mock Jody voice that made Dean laugh a little.

"Well, she cares."

"Yeah, well sometimes people need to care a little less." She tapped away at her computer and then added, "Hey, sorry for yesterday. Don't worry, that's all I'm gonna say about it. I hate when people meddle in my life, and then I go and do the same to you. Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize. I should be the one saying sorry. You didn't deserve that. Don't want to talk about it, but I shoulda handled it better."

"Well, look at us being all civil." They laughed. The door creaked open and Charlotte poked her head in.

"Hey, Charlotte." Dean waved her in. Dean pointed up at Claire and said, "Claire, meet Charlotte. Charlotte meet Claire."

Charlotte came into the room and walked up to the top row to shake Claire's hand. "Hello, Claire. You a new student?"

"No," she laughed. "I'm just visiting Dean."

Charlotte looked like she was trying to process the relationship. She looked back at Dean and asked, "Former student?"

Claire laughed again. "No, it's complicated. We're kinda family."

"Oh, well it's really nice to meet you. I teach across the courtyard."

Dean came over to her side and said, "So you still up for lunch? Figured Claire should have some cafeteria food while she's here."

"I wouldn't be intruding?"

"God no," Claire said. "I've had enough family bonding time with gramps here. Please join us."

Now Charlotte laughed. "Well, if you don't mind the company, then sure. I'd love to hear some of the Dean Winchester back story."

Claire said, "Oh, I'd love to supply that." Dean got a look on his face that only Claire saw. She added, "I'm so looking forward to lunch."

Charlotte smiled at her then turned to Dean. "I'll be in the courtyard when your class gets out. Just meet me there and we'll walk over."

She left and Dean just hovered nearby. "So what have you told her so far?" Claire looked like she was enjoying Dean's discomfort.

"Please keep the details simple. I haven't told her much of anything."

"You trying to start something with her?"

Dean felt his eyebrows furrow. "No."

"Why?"

"You know why." It was no answer, but it was the best he could do. Claire kept her gaze on him and it added to his discomfort.

"So, did you tell her that you were in the military before, and that you met my dad in the Middle East?"

"I did mention a background in the military. I didn't talk about any family beyond a casual mention."

Claire closed the lid on her laptop. "But you've told her somethings otherwise she wouldn't be so friendly with you. It couldn't all be casual."

"Nothing you come up with will detract from the stuff I've told her. She knows I have a brother and as of a week ago, a dead daughter." Dean looked away as Claire's face dropped into one of confusion. "That was a mistake. Shoulda kept that detail to myself."

"Wait, is that based on fact? Do you have a dead daughter?" She set the laptop aside and got up.

Dean took a step back, keeping distance between them. "Yeah. It was a long time ago. I never really got to know her."

"What was her name?"

"Emma." He whispered the name and didn't make eye contact. It was hard enough just saying her name without having to take in Claire's pitying look.

When he did finally look at her, Claire had settled back into her seat. She drew her laptop to her and said, "When you want to tell me more, I'd like to hear it. I don't imagine though that telling me about her now would be a good mood setter just before your students arrive."

He stood there a moment and then quietly said, "Thank you," and wandered back down the aisle to finish setting up for the lecture.

Claire had seemed to be interested in the lecture. It went well, and the students had questions which broke the monotony for Dean. As the students were exiting, Charlotte poked her head in the room. Dean gave her a nod and finished shutting off his equipment while talking with a couple of lingering students. Claire packed up and headed out to her.

When Dean emerged he caught the tail end of some conversation that sounded like an invitation to church. "Now you're trying to make Claire a philosopher with your churchy business." Charlotte grinned and Dean went on, "She's a woman of science."

"I can be both. Both is good." Claire laughed at him. They headed off to the cafeteria. "So you don't mind if we do the church thing with Charlotte on Sunday? She was saying that she helped with the sermon."

"Oh, I didn't know you did that sort of thing," Dean said.

"Well, sometimes I do. The reverend wanted to incorporate some of the early Roman philosophers and their ideals into the sermon. We talked shop for a few days and then his plan came together. It's a good sermon. Figured you both might enjoy it."

Dean turned his attention to Claire then and just said, "Claire?"

"What? I church."

Dean laughed, "Yeah right. I forgot." They got their food and found seats near the big, ceiling high windows. The conversation flowed easily. Claire talked of home and Jody. She didn't have to make up much there. She even talked of Alex. Dean picked up on a hint of something in her tone that shifted when she talked about the other hunter. He filed it away for further investigation later.

Then, of course, the inevitable question, "So you said you're kinda family. How are you all related?"

Dean said, "It's complicated."

Claire punched him in the shoulder lightly and then turned her attention to Charlotte. "I should be offended that he hadn't told you about me."

"Well, I didn't know how to slip you into conversation," Dean said defensively.

Claire just went on. Dean should have been a little worried about the look that seemed to spread across her face. "When I first met Dean, I think I hated him." She took a deep breath, clearly getting ready to launch into an epic tale. "You see, my parents were uber religious. This was fine, but it made my dad feel like he couldn't be himself. That lead to him going off and signing up for military service when the US entered into the war in Afghanistan.

Charlotte interrupted, "Dean, is that the war you were in?"

"Yeah," Dean kept his response short.

Claire continued, "Well, I didn't see or hear from my dad for years. He got leave time that he didn't take with us. I wrote to him. He must have gotten stacks of letters from me. I got nothing back."

Charlotte reached across to her and gave her arm a little squeeze. "Oh sweety. That's awful."

"Yeah, it was. He didn't know what he was doing though. He had some PTSD and thought that he was protecting us from things. It's weird though that he changed so drastically overnight." Claire took a breath and gave Dean a quick glance. "He did come home on leave once. It was bad. Too much time had passed. He was miserable and in pain. He couldn't fit back into the family the way that it was now. Even mom was off. In the end, he left, went back to wherever he had been stationed."

Dean chimed in then, seeing Claire's look of sudden discomfort. "He was a good man. He joined because he had an aptitude for languages. He spoke every language I could think of and even some I couldn't, dead languages too. That's how I got to know him. Sammy and I worked together and Cas pulled us both out of one hell of a mission with his language skills. He was a hero."

"That was the other thing." Claire interrupted. She looked at Charlotte and said, "It was hard to like Dean when he had grown so close to my dad while I was seemingly nothing to him anymore."

"It wasn't like that," Dean started.

Claire cut him off. "He even gave dad a nickname, Cas. His real name was Jimmy. It seemed that once dad met Dean, everything changed." She grew quiet and looked at Dean then. "He saved you though, and he was a hero. Jimmy was a hero."

"Yes, Claire. He was."

Charlotte watched the moment pass between them with great interest, then she said, "So is that how you're related?"

Claire turned her attention to Charlotte. "Well, I won't call Dean dad. I'll call him gramps and steal all of the food in his fridge, but the title never felt right. I mean, just 'cause he loved my dad, doesn't make him dad number two or anything." She turned her attention back to Dean then and saw the look she was getting. It made her smile wider.

Charlotte asked, "So how long were you two together, Dean?"

Dean didn't answer right away. He just kept glaring at Claire. He finally looked back at Charlotte and said, "Off and on for four years." Claire smiled bigger when she heard his response.

"What happened to him?"

"We believe that he's dead." Claire reached over and took Dean's hand. It was all too true, and Dean felt himself shaking a little. The memories were bubbling up to the surface and he was feeling powerless to settle it all back into place.

"You don't know for sure?" Charlotte asked.

"No, he would have made sure to have gone somewhere that we wouldn't know about. He made rash choices. He always thought that he was protecting us or something. One day he was with us, and the next he was gone. It's been a long time, so we can only assume how and what happened."

"I'm so sorry." It was sympathy and Dean didn't want it, but he understood Charlotte's need to give it. She directed her look to Claire then. "So, what made you decide Dean was worth keeping?" She smiled as she asked. "I mean, he is a grumpy cuss. Why keep in touch when you don't have to?"

Now Claire smiled at Dean. "I guess if Cas thought that he was worthy of love, who was I to argue. Plus, he's a good cook. I'll tolerate a lot if a good meal is part of the deal."

Dean got up abruptly and said, "I'll be back in a minute. Don't gossip about me too much while I'm gone." He covered the emotions that were threatening to overtake him, smiled a half grin, and rushed out of the cafeteria.

He got out into the quad and sucked in a big gulp of air. He felt like his lungs were doing double time. His heart was racing, and in the back of his mind he was seeing Lucifer wearing Cas, mocking him, Lucifer twisting everything out of shape. He watched Cas fall and heard the last words all over again like it had just happened in that moment and not years before. He stumbled off behind the tall brick building next to the cafeteria. He bent over double and pressed his hands to his knees. He tried to get control of his breathing.

The space he was in was devoid of people. It was a little dark as it was shaded by the other looming building. If I pass out here, it'll be hours before anyone finds me. He focused on the ground, on the dark asphalt that made a path between the structures. He let out a sob. He didn't mean too, but everything hurt, and nothing was getting better. Nothing will ever be better. Then there was light, and the light was warm on him, a comfort in the dark space, a reminder that he was not alone.

His breathing became regular again. His lungs felt like they were no longer struggling to just work. He stood upright and focused on the light that was around him. He couldn't find a source. It just was. He knew that it was not coming from a reflection or directly from the sun, but he still needed to verify it. "What are you?" he whispered.

He did not get a response. He let the moments pass. He felt a measure of comfort that he hadn't felt in a long time, like a river was flowing around him on a calm summer day. He wondered what it could be. He knew he'd need to call Sammy. Even if it was good, he still had to know what it was. As suddenly as it had arrived, it disappeared. He waited a moment more, then decided to go back to Claire and Charlotte.

The day was good after that. Claire tried to apologize, but he brushed her off. "Just stop." He pulled her into his side and ruffled up her hair. She could have dropped him with a leg sweep, but she must have felt bad about lunch because she just let him do what he wanted. Charlotte left them at the courtyard, with a promise that she'd see Claire on Sunday. When she was well out of earshot, Dean asked, "Uh, what's happening on Sunday?"

"Church." Claire moved a little faster to get ahead of him.

"Oh, we really doing that?"

"Yeah, you heathen. We're really doing that." She turned and walked backwards toward his classroom. "I like her. She's nice."

"She is."

"I hope I didn't ruin any secret future plans you had with her." They stepped into the classroom, and Dean turned on the lights.

"Like I said before, it isn't like that with her, with anyone."

"You just want to stay single then?"

"Yeah. I'm good."