Chapter 22

How to be Lost

She wasn't as gone as he thought, but the implications she sent were received loud and clear. He didn't say or try anything more. Whatever they'd meant to each other had crumbled so it left him only one thing to do.

He just stood outside of the tent, watching them pack up. Killian wasn't sure if he was here to punish himself or her, but regardless his position was causing someone pain and that's what he wanted.

I don't bloody remember how I told her the truth, but she knows. She knows and now she hates me.

Emma wouldn't meet his gaze no matter how long he stood. He was glad for it. He didn't want her to see him; he didn't want her to see through him, through the barely contained mask he wore. She'd destroyed the last one. Why had she bothered to fix him if she had no intention of sticking by him? She shouldn't have taught him to fight if she wouldn't even let him fight for the one thing he truly wanted.

Smee had been terrible, but Emma…what she had done was just cruel.

Henry, however, didn't mimic his mother. He could see the boy shooting him a confused gaze, almost pleadingly whenever his mother wasn't looking. He wanted him to stop this. He wanted him to keep his mother from running.

I wish I could lad. I wish I could

Henry eventually stopped looking at him. He gave up. It felt like another jab at his heart.

Lily on the other hand went right up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, surprising him slightly.

"It's going to be ok." She said softly. "She's upset; she'll come to her senses, this isn't the end." He shook his head.

"When? When I'm dead?" He said in a low voice. "I asked her to stay." He explained. "I freed her from her imprisonment; I helped her save her aunt. I killed someone for her, and I'd do it again, I helped her rescue you and your family. All I wanted was for her to stay." He tried to keep the anger from his voice, Lily didn't deserve it, Lily was Emma's friend, and she didn't want to hear his ranting. "And she won't. Don't try to convince her, it's too late." Her grip tightened.

"I'm so sorry Killian. I just…this isn't like her, it isn't something she'd do." She insisted. He shrugged, reaching into his coat pocket handing her the letter addressed to Henry, Ursula, Liam, his mother and even Emma's. "I wrote these. The first is for Henry, to keep a promise I made to him. He met Ursula, and she might approach him one day if she recognizes him, if she does could you-"

She nodded.

"You're a good man Killian, I'm going to try to find a cure." She vowed. "Between my mom's knowledge of the poison and my magic we might…" He shrugged.

"Doesn't really matter anymore." He said in defeat. "Just…take care of her. If she ever forgives me for my lies, tell her I'm not mad at her."

Lily raised a brow.

"But you are."

He nodded. "Tell her I'm not. Tell her I don't want her to feel guilty. Give her my letter when you think she needs it."

Lily looked like she wanted to say something, but they were interrupted.

"Lily! We're ready!" Emma snapped, glaring in their direction. He turned his back, Lily caught him before he could storm off, pressing another purple vial into his hand.

"Ask Gina to send me a letter if you start feeling sick ok? She knows how to reach me, but Emma says you were feeling ok this morning." He nodded.

"I took this morning's medicine already; I'll take this one when I'm feeling ill. Thank you for your care." Then he took the vial from her and proceeded down the path, before he could see them do the same in the other direction.

Killian finally understood why his brother drank so much when he was a lad. He didn't want to feel like this. He sat down against a tree and watched water in a lake flow.

That was where Regina found him, curled into a ball, that next morning. He must have fallen asleep. She looked surprised by his presence, asking him what happen, helping him back into a sitting position.

"They left." He supplied. "I thought it was the talk of camp." He said sarcastically.

"It is but…I thought you went with them, I was ready to chew you out over leaving without saying Goodbye to Roland." Killian shrugged.

"I haven't gone anywhere. I was hoping I could stay here for a while." He said only half dismissively. Zelena would be happy. She had wanted him to stay after all. She'd been right, everyone had been right.

Killian was a bloody idiot.

"If you must." She said sarcastically.

He didn't reply at first, picking at a stone on the ground, soft in his palm.

"What no comment about making me your friend? About me being pissed because you didn't say goodbye to me?" She asked. "You're usually more talkative."

He shrugged. "Can't make you think of me as an ally if you don't wish it." He said skipping the stone on the lake, it jumped once, twice, thrice, before plummeting. "I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do." He muttered. "I've proved I bloody well can't make them stay." Killian couldn't help but just sigh with defeat.

"Killian. What happened?" Regina asked.

He chuckled. "Didn't peg you as a confident." He laughed darkly.

"I'm not, but I'm willing to make an exception for stubborn pirates." She said right back.

"She left because she didn't want to be with me anymore." He admitted. "She didn't want to ever see me again. "

Regine didn't ask why, she didn't have to.

"She left because I'm broken." He said honestly. "She was done with me. I served my purpose." He pulled his knees closer, wanting to disappear. "What did I expect? I'm nothing, everyone told me I was a fool for falling for her charms, I'm a bloody idiot" He told her honestly. "I just…" He wasn't sure what he wanted.

"Killian. Wait." She said, rushing off back to camp. She returned a bit later, a bottle tucked under her arm, handing it to him. "Drink." She ordered. He took a swig.

"Bloody hell, what is that." He cursed feeling the sharp sting.

"Whiskey, to think I'm drinking with the one pirate who doesn't know his liquor." She drawled. Killian snickered.

"I also can't hold my liquor darling." He admitted. "Only recently began …dabbled in the stuff."

She rolled her eyes. "What kind of pirate are you?!" She demanded.

"Only recently…acquired that title as well. I've been a deckhand for the last 15 years of my life."

She chuckled downing her own mouthful. "Cue the story, I was wondering why it was Deckhand and not pirate." Regina snickered. "So why 'pirate' at all?"

Killian tensed but then decided that he didn't have much to lose anyway. "My brother was a pirate." He explained. "He raised me. So when I reclaimed his ship…the choice was clear." Regina nodded. "I guess I just wanted to make him proud…" He murmured. He urged the bottle back.

She smirked. "Same with Zelena. She's looked out for me since we reunited." She explained. "We want to make this place better, take care of our subjects." That sounded noble. "Why was he a pirate, your brother?"

Yes, pirates, not exactly the best company for a former noble to be keeping.

"Our former rulers had our father killed, or more specifically their advisers." He told her. "I was just a lad, left on the streets." Her eyes widened. He had a sneaking suspicion she was thinking of her boy. "I became ill, on deaths door apparently. Then my elder brother found me, his friends were healers you see, they nursed me to health, but seeing how his family had been destroyed by the people he served faithfully, it broke him, my brother." He said sadly. "He became darker and darker, I loved him, he was always family to me, it was only later that I realized how much this betrayal hurt Liam, until I didn't even recognize him anymore."

Regina smiled sadly at him. "I'm guessing he passed during one of these pirate things?" He shrugged.

"Something like that." He said vaguely.

"I'm no longer cursed." She admitted. "It's what we've wanted for so long, I never thought it would ever happen." Regina insisted. "But when I tried to make Zelena take the cure, she refused, sidestepped me, dismissing me from important conversations, like my opinion didn't even matter. After everything we've suffered, after all our attempts to break this curse on our own..." The bandit clenched her fists. "So I get it, not understanding, not believing that your loved one could actually do something."

Killian shrugged. "I quite like this; we should do it some more." He said with a smirk, swallowing another bit of this vile whiskey.

"Sharing?" Regina asked as if he was offering to curt each others' hand's off. He cracked up laughing at her disgusted expression.

"Hell no. I mean drinking." He laughed. She scowled at his laughter, snatching the bottle back.

"I think I may need to cut you off." She said suddenly. "And get you back to camp." Killian shrugged as Regina helped him up. He found his vision distorted and his steps weary.

"Hell Killian, when you said you were a light weight I didn't imgine-" She cursed as he nearly toppled. He laughed.

"I warned you lass. You can leave me here to sober up. Mates left me in worse places." He said darkly.

"Killian-"

He was still laughing. "Once they left me in the crows nest, how I didn't slip and fall to my death I'll never know, once it was to a stranger's care."

"Oh god Killian." Regina said in horror. "Did you-"

He shook his head. "They didn't know that I was already courting the lass when they allowed her to take me home."

"Please Killian, don't this is the whiskey-" He shook his head.

"Doesn't much matter what I tell you lass. I'll be dead soon enough." He told her as they neared camp. Another figure seemed to pick him up by the arms, following Regina's orders to set him up in a guest tent. He just shrugged.

"I'll be right back, don't leave him alone." Regina told the figure. Killian shrugged.

"Won't matter lass." He said sadly as he passed out into a dreamless sleep.

XXXXXXXXX

Roland's chattering was what woke him up.

"Killy!" The boy exclaimed when he slowly opened his eyes. "Mama Gina said you were sleepy and I shouldn't bother you, but I really, really wanted to hear the rest of the story of the Purple Fairy!"

Killian groaned, closing his eyes, covering them with his arm

"Lad…" He started. "Not now." His head was throbbing.

"Please Killy? Are you sick?" The boy prodded his little hand slightly shaking his shoulder. "I can go get Auntie Lena to give you medicine. Its icky but it makes the yucky-ness go away."

Killian shook his head. "No Roland, I'm just tired." He said softly, looking at the wide eyed boy before sighing in defeat and sitting up. "Where did I leave off on my story?" The boy was as stubborn as his mother.

Roland grinned, chattering about leaving off on the Deckhand, Princess, and Thief entering the forest. "Ah, now we get to a good part." He stated. "Because suddenly as the trio was walking, an evil…dwarf grabbed the thief and tried to hurt him." Roland's eyes went wide.

"Oh no!"

Killian nodded, smirking at his captive audience. "Aye, as you can imagine, the Princess was very upset by the thought that her friend, the little thief, was threatened, but the Deckhand didn't want her to be rash, didn't want her to do anything she'd regret."

"Because killing is wrong." Roland said simply.

"Aye. The Deckhand tried to calm the situation, but the dwarf was …silly, making the Princess mad. The Deckhand feared that he would make the princess snap, but they were saved." He saw Roland's eyes widen.

"A…Bandit interrupted, shooting her arrows to get the dwarf to free the Thief. You see she was friends with the dwarf, but she agreed that he was being silly." Roland laughed.

"Was he ugly and smelly and mean?" Roland asked.

Killian was about to answer when he saw the opening of the tent opening to reveal Sydney's scowling face. "Gina told me you were still here." He said with a frown. "I thought she was telling a bad joke."

Killian held his gaze with a condescending smirk.

"Yes Roland, very." He said with a nod. It caused the boy to giggle and he didn't even know that said 'dwarf' was right in front of them.

"Sydney!" Zelena called, pulling him away from the tent. "Let him sleep, he's had a hard day."

Killian smiled thankfully as the man was pulled away, but it was unnecessary.

"I'm awake Zelena." He told her standing up, and exiting the tent, Roland at his side. "I assume Gina told you of my desire to stick around for the foreseeable future?" She nodded, hand on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry." She said gently. "You deserve so much better." He didn't try to smile.

"I thought you'd be giving me a 'I told you so'." He remarked. "You told me she'd hurt me and so here I am." He said gesturing at himself. "Regardless, I was hoping to make myself useful while I'm here. I'm not much of a hunter, but I do know how to use a sword and-" Zelena shook her head.

"It doesn't matter what I thought, no one deserves to be in pain, especially that of the heart." Her hand rested on his shoulder. "Things will get better, I promise, I, We can help you through this." She promised.

Killian didn't reply. She retracted her hand.

"If you really want to be useful, you should really put those hands to good use." She teased, coming closer, taking his hand in hers, softly turning his hand over.

He blinked in confusion, "Not many can make a half way decent stitch, and I'm guessing that's not all your lady friend taught you? I can use a hand with some of my patients." Zelena continued.

Killian grimaced, he wasn't actually found of blood, or injuries; he just knew how to keep from dying. He also wasn't completely oblivious. She'd made her intentions known, and so he could easily imagine this being used as a way to spend time together. But this wasn't his place to say."If you think that best." He relented.

He started following Zelena to her tent when Regina stopped him. "Killian, you're with me. Patrolling." She said simply, intercepting him quickly.

Zelena scowled. "Gina, Killy dear is going to help me take care of the injured." She said, hand placed on his arm. Killian sees a vein bulging on Regina's face.

"Just go take Sydney with you."

It bulges further.

"I'll go with her." Killian says pulling away. He wasn't an idiot, Regina had told her she wasn't getting along with her of the late. It was easier to make one sister mad at him, than both mad at each other.

(It had nothing to do with the fact that Regina could shoot him from clear across camp without breaking a sweat, no nothing at all)

"I could use the exercise." He chuckled.

Regina smirked triumphantly as they exited the camp.

"So, what are we really doing?" Killian asked. She narrowed her gaze at him. "I know a cover story when I hear one." Regina snickered.

"I'm doing patrol." She insisted. "You're here to tell me what you meant before."

Killian shrugged. "Well you see, a cover story is when you tell someone you're doing-"

Regina shot an arrow which he barely dodged. "Bloody hell woman! I thought we were done with that!" He snapped.

"Roland likes you." She said as if it offers all the explanation she needed, making a turn towards one of the main roads. "If you're planning to off yourself than I want to get Roland used to the idea that Killy is gone." She snapped. "I don't want him to think his hero is a coward."

He stopped in his tracks, grabbing her arm and pulling her to face him. He felt her tense at this sudden movement. She pushed him back almost instinctively.

"What the hell are you-

"I'm not a coward." He snarled angrily. He was a coward, but he wasn't anymore. That was the only good thing out of all this, he was stronger, braver, he would do what he needed to do to protect his love, his friends. He was not a coward. "I'm dying."

Her eyes widened as she looked him over. "Poison." He clarified. "Lily said I have a few weeks." He admitted. Regina covered her mouth in a gasp. "That's why Swan left." He said, the words flowing suddenly. "She didn't want to watch it happen."

Regina shook her head. "You don't have to tell-" He nodded. He did, he really did.

"You have a right to know. You're right, your lad likes me, and I quite like him as well, you should keep him away from me, we don't want him to get attached." He reasoned. "You either, as it happens. I'm sorry that I made you be my friend." He said backing away. She was looking at him with that controlled way one would look at a frightened animal.

"I'll just get my things and-"

"I'm not." Regina said suddenly. "Sorry I mean. And you are not going anywhere pirate." She said sternly, arms crossed. "And Emma is worse than an idiot." She seethed. "Only scum does something like that, do you understand?" She snapped angrily. "Scum."

He blinked at her sudden anger. "If Dan- someone I once lov-, trusted." She corrected. "If I had known what would eventually happen, that he would die, I would have spent every second with him that I had. Every single second."

He gave her a sad grin. "Aye." So would he.

They lapsed into silence, continuing with the patrol. He had a vague idea of the area they were checking, but wondered how she could navigate so well, every bloody tree looked the same to him.

"Are you just going to drop dead one day?" Regina asked. "You know, just so I won't trip on your rotting corpse one morning."

He paused, wondering if she'd really said that.

She did.

"Bloody Hell, do you have a sensitive bone in your body?" He asked with a chuckle.

"If you want sensitive, there are a few pregnant mothers who would shed a few tears for your story."

He actually laughed. "No lass, I'm not going to drop dead." He reasoned. "I'll get dizzy spells, tired, pale and flushed. I'll get nauseous and won't eat or sleep for a bit." He explained. "The burn will spread from the sight of infection to my heart." He grinned. "Then I'll drop dead. Don't worry lass, I'll try not to die where you take your morning walks."

Regina rolled her eyes. "I guess I'm going to have to suffer through your complaining then, wait on you hand and foot?" She said with humor. "I don't give foot rubs."

Killian was laughing again. "Just your sunny disposition is enough, and perhaps more of that Whiskey stuff."

That got her grinning.

"Thank you Regina." He said softly. "I needed this." She rolled her eyes.

"Don't get all sappy on me now, I just figured you shouldn't be brooding while Zelena wipes the tears of a couple of brats with a cold." She snickered. "Come one, we still have ground to cover." She ordered.

"Of course your majesty, your wish is my command."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The days passed quickly, Killian found himself split between patrolling with Regina, and helping out Zelena in camp. He enjoyed keeping busy, and helping Zelena wasn't as bad as he once thought. The woman was very nice and eager to make him comfortable. He tried to dissuade her affections as politely as possible, but she was growing more and more bold with her actions.

However, he always preferred the patrolling, while it made him exhausted, it allowed him to get the lay of the land, see how the camp worked a bit better. There were some who were mostly hunters, not having the stomach for hurting a living person. Others were a bit more…selfish, they would be the ones who'd raid villages for their magic and gold.

"Only the rich." Regina specified. "We need the money to fund the coup." She explained. "The magic is to find something to even the playing field." She wanted something to neutralize the queen's magic.

It also seemed to give Regina time to express her frustrations about her sister.

"She's been letting Sydney push her around!" She fumed one morning. "My sister never lets any man push her around before, but now she's hanging on his every word!"

He nodded passively. Killian had seen the man hanging around the red head a lot more recently, getting louder and louder with his declarations about how things should be done.

"Misthaven is going to be worse off we we listen to him, talking about such archaic rules!"

Rules?

"If the perve comes near Roland or I, I swear Killina, he's getting one right between the eyes."

Killian chuckled. "And I'll gladly assist you with hiding the evidence lass, but what rules are you talking about?"

Regina groaned. "I forget that you're not exactly from here." She said slowly. "For the last century, the eldest son of the king has taken over the thrown." She explained. "Because men make better rulers." She said sarcastically. "Before that there was a rule that a woman decedent can not be queen with out a ring on her finger and a man at her side."

Killian had not heard of that. In his ex kingdom, it didn't matter the gender of the heirs, it was only blood that mattered.

"Queen Snow was the first exception. With her father's blessing she took the thrown as the only female of Misthaven in history to be unwed." For a second, Killian could hear an ounce of respect in Regina's voice for the Queen. "Zelena never cared about that rule, never even gave it a passing thought. I brought it up once, years ago and she told me that it wouldn't stop her."

It looked like things have changed since then if Regina was bringing it up now.

"I'm on your side Regina, if there was a way I could help-" She shook her head. There was nothing he could do and they both knew it.

XXXXXX

However, no matter what he did during the day, a certain little boy had managed to create a certain tradition in camp. Just as the sun would set, Killian would hear a single voice.

"Story time with Killy!" Roland exclaimed as he tackled his leg. It would always make him chuckle. He couldn't refuse the boy, sometimes telling stories his brother told him as a lad, other times continuing 'The Purple Fairy'

(The latter was the lad's favorite)

It amazed him how excited he got listening, and not just him, most of the children as well as some parents gathered to listen. He did his best to sound as animated as possible, it was getting more difficult.

"After the ball, the Deckhand was rescued by another princess, one who was enamored by the Thief, she planned to escape with them but the Evil Queen's guards captured her."

He heard a chuckle, and it wasn't a good humored one. He looked up, Sydney was eyeing him.

"What happened to the girl?" He asked. It made Killian tense.

"It will be revealed later." He said cryptically. Dead children weren't really the best plot point for smaller, living, children. The man rolled his eyes. Killian returned to the story until the parents, seeing their sleepy children shepherded them to their beds, Regina included.

"Killian." Zelena greeted in a sad voice. He narrowed his eyes, she wasn't usually one to keep a sad expression on. "You need to go to sleep too." He scoffed.

"I'm not a child." He said sternly.

"The camp is going to have a meeting, some of them don't want you here; they don't see you as part of our cause…yet." He nodded, understanding. It wasn't his business anyway, and he was exhausted.

"Good luck." He told her. "I'll stay out of your way."

He must have fallen asleep as soon as he hit his tent bed, because the next thing he knew he heard shouting, rousing him from his slumber.

"I'm not doing it! I'm not marrying him, I'm not marrying anyone!" He jolted awake.

"Then your sister must! We cannot keep trying to get an unmarried woman onto the thrown! It's pointless!" A man shouted back, he could hear the murmuring agreements.

Killian rolled over, poking his head out to see what was happening. Zelena was standing behind Regina who was standing close to the offending man. It didn't surprise him when he noticed that it was Sydney with his gang of cohorts doing the shouting, edging closer to the two.

"Well none of you have an inkling of royal blood." Regina snarled. "Touch me or my sister Sydney, just try it. Try and force us to marry you. Marriage is for love, not for convenience."

She could hear the condescending laugh echo throughout the camp. He knew that laugh, that laugh that said that one of these two was going to be forced to do otherwise. It was a terrible waste of such kind women.

Some were nervous, but it appeared that Regina was right to be worried earlier, Sydney was aining more power, too much power. He wished he could help his friend.

No unmarried…does that count…widowed?

"You have till tomorrow to decide who will be wed, and to who." He leered at Regina. "Pick carefully sweetie." He touched her arm.

She socked him in the jaw.

"Gina!" Zelena exclaimed reeling in her sister. Killian could hear arguements between the pair, Regina claiming that they had no right to make demands, that without them, there was no hope to take over peacefully.

"I'm sorry Gina but if we want to save everyone we must make a choice." She reasoned. "Sometimes love isn't enough."

Could he offer to…it wasn't like he had much more to offer.

It was crazy.

"I'm not marrying him!" She screamed angrily. "You know what I lost, you know that I can't dishonor him by marrying this pig!"

It didn't seem like either Zelena or Sydney were listening to her.

Bloody mad idea. They would never agree to this, he was a practical stranger, regardless of everything, they had no proof that he wasn't a spy or plotting this all along.

Killian waited until the meeting was ending, seeing Regina pass by, her eyes looked faded rather than fiery, and her face was red.

"Gina." He hissed. She stopped short.

"Killian? What are you doing up, you weren't supposed to-" She looked nervous, she was shaking. The lass was really afraid of this.

"In the morning, we need to talk." She shook her head.

"Killian I-"

"I think I know a solution to your problem." He insisted. Her eyes widened. Regina was smart and she knew about his situation, "And I'm guessing you do too." she nods looking at him sadly.

"This isn't your fight." She said softly.

"But it is my choice if you think it could work." He countered. "If you think she'll agree." Regina kept her face neutral as she walked by. He knows that she thinks it could work, he knows she hates this whole situation that would make him do this.

Killian lies back down, trying to go back to sleep.

Sleep, to dream of the future he should have had with Emma, to pretend he wasn't going to do what he was about to do.

If being a widow actually counted for their bloody laws at least.

Killian shivers as the truth of what he was about to do dawns on him.

He was going to marry Zelena.

Sorry for the angst, a necessary evil for certain things to occur. The pay off is coming, just have a little faith in both me and our favorite couple.

This section of the story was completely rewritten at least 3 times, I'm hoping it turned out ok.

Now I got so many reviews, that it makes me so incredibly happy. Thank you so much for all your kind words, I appreciate it so much!

Guest Reviews:

andria: You're pretty close, but there may be one or two more surprises for you before this story is done.

Anna: I would say some of your speculation so pretty close, but other parts aren't. Although if ANYONE guessed my biggest twist I would be beyond shocked...I love Lily, I've actually surprised myself with Lily's character. That was not the original plan. I'm glad you like her interactions with Emma. As for their misunderstanding, soon.

Clear: It needs to be read in order, I try my best to put in background info, but I will forget stuff. I'm glad you liked the first one as well and that things make more sense now. I actually dabbled with that idea for a bit, but didn't want to mess up with the pronouns. I commend writers who can manage the 'past version vs current version' stuff. Its difficult. But I think there will still be a bit of fun still to be had.

Don't forget to leave a review!

~Luna