Special thanks to
******* YerAWizard *****
my very first follower! You're awesome and never change.
Well hello and thanks for tuning in to the Annabeth Chase show. Tonight's episode: why I'm so messed up.
Some call me a tomboy, some say it's an act-like secretly I go home and change into pink ruffled dresses and dye my hair or something. I don't know. I always saw girliness as weakness. Caring about your appearance, being super emotional, being... Silly, almost.
You know the word hysteric? Like, when someone is freaking out, almost unreasonably? Yeah, well female hysteria was a recognized disorder for many years, often putting women in asylums for basically being... Too girly. Being overly flirtatious, faintness, irritability, shortness of breath. Basically every girl at our school during P.E.
So I decided I wouldn't be a girl, I would instead be a lady. A lady stays levelheaded in times of trouble and can take charge. A lady is respected as feminine but isn't treated differently for it. A lady dresses well but never over-the-top. She has manners but can still relax when need be.
The problem is, I wasn't a lady either.
My mother is a lady. People love her. I never hear her curse because she can convey a point without it. I never see her show cleavage or short skirts because she can look beautiful without it. I strived to be like her, but I fall short. I'm just little old Annabeth, confused and slightly annoyed.
The only time I ever felt like a lady was with Max Kim. We were only 14, but I still felt close to him in a way I hadn't with anyone else. He had warm brown eyes, short black hair, and was about an inch taller than me. Max would open doors and let me borrow his jacket and all that, but what I liked about him is that he didn't mind when I opened the door for him, or offered to pay. "You agreed to go out with me, you've done enough," He would say with a laugh when I would try to argue about him picking up the tab. I felt like it was more together, less like he was taking care of me and more like we were watching out for each other. We would watch stupid movies and critique the cinematography, he'd call me at 11:30 to say goodnight and make sure I wasn't staying up. I loved him, even though we were pretty young to be thinking about that.
I wonder if he still thinks about me.
Midway through freshman year, Max told me he was moving back to Korea.
I didn't cry, I didn't break down, I didn't feel anything. It felt surreal until I watched him board the plane, knowing I'd never see him again-knowing it was too late-when all the emotions flooded my system. I'd never felt so alone. It was that moment that I decided that relationships are stupid, that We would just end up breaking up and hurting each other. I can wait until I'm 25, when I'm free to do whatever, when I don't have to sneak around my parents or anything.
I went into hysteria, as the old doctors called it. And I felt vulnerable, weak. I felt like a silly little girl, and I hated it.
I still hate it.
So now I'm left as somewhere in between. I don't feel like a girly girl, I am not emotionally controlled enough to be a lady, and I'm not masculine enough to be a tomboy. These are just random thoughts of mine, if you don't follow I understand. Just giving you a bit of background as to why I would flip out about the new member of the band... But we'll get there. All in good time.
AN Thanks for reading! I'm so excited for this story, I am shooting for three reviews on this chapter. And might I say FOUR FOLLOWS AND THREE FAVORITES ALREADY? I am quite happy. Though reading reviews really does make me so so happy! Maybe I'll tell you guys the name of the account I'm currently locked out of if we make our review goal ;) I'll admit, Lizzie is a pen name as well. Maybe when I get more comfy on here I'll come clean :P
leave any questions in the comments! Until Monday
Love, Lizzie
8/19/16