I am alone when the messenger arrives to tell us Faramir has come.
Legolas and Erynion are with Taenor's family. Legolas finally has the strength to visit, but he does not want me.
"I will go with you," I said to him when he announced his intentions, but he would have none of it.
"I will take Erynion. You have done enough."
His words are sharp and curt and I am left feeling that, in fact, I have not done enough at all, that I have let him down; he finds me wanting and Erynion will be a better support for him than I. It hurts but I say nothing. I am not about to argue with him before he does this. That would be cruel. Instead I file it away in the box in my head where I keep all the hurts he causes me. .
So it is that when Faramir comes I am the only one to welcome him. We were not expecting him.
I have met Faramir before and I like him.
Of all Legolas' mortal friends he is the one who makes most sense to me. He is gentle and kind; he does not place expectations upon Legolas. He does not lead him to the sea or plead with him not to sail. They talk of ordinary things and support each other in this new land and I can see Legolas relax in his company.
We have been to Emyn Arnen many times, Legolas and I.
I know Faramir's wife. In times past she was a shieldmaiden who rode to war. She is much like me and I think I understand her. She does not spend her days embroidering pretty things or arranging flowers in jars instead of leaving them alive in the earth, what is the point of that?
I can talk to her.
They know of us. Faramir and Eowyn. Of all Legolas' mortal friends they are the only ones who know because I do not need to hide from them. We are happy in Emyn Arnen, when we are there it is as if time recedes and we are the same again. We are ourselves.
"Maewen!" Faramir greets me with a smile and immediately my heart feels lighter. I am glad he is here. He clasps my arm in welcome.
"How is Legolas?"
"He is..."
I struggle to find the words to describe the chaos that is Legolas at the moment. In the end I give up.
"Taenor's death has hit him hard."
"Of course," Faramir says gently, and moves his hand to my shoulder.
"and how are you?"
It completely undoes me for until now no one has asked me how I am. It has been all about Legolas; of course it has. I have not even taken the time to ask myself...how am I?
I am sad, grieving and lonely. I miss Taenor's steady hand and calming presence, I miss his advice, his quiet way of keeping Legolas in the here and now, and most of all I miss Legolas.
I open my mouth to answer him and suddenly, unbidden, my eyes are filled with tears.
"Forgive me," I mumble, for this is not how I would want to greet him. What kind of warrior am I?
"You do not have to apologise for the pain of loss to me." His voice is soft and gentle and takes the edges off the jagged hurt I feel.
"Faramir!"
It is Legolas' voice that startles us out of our conversation, and I turn my head to watch as he strides across the courtyard towards us. He looks terrible; pale and hollow-eyed he is obviously exhausted. Faramir sees it too because I hear the sharp intake of his breath beside me.
But Legolas is smiling and it is the first smile I have seen from him in days. He is as happy as I am to have Faramir's company. When he reaches us Faramir envelops him in a hug and Legolas accepts it. It is strange the hugs these mortals bestow upon each other. I do not think I will ever get used to it.
"I am so sorry Legolas—" Faramir tries to offer condolences but Legolas stops him with a raised hand.
"Stop, Faramir. It is too fresh—I do not want to hear it."
I glance at Erynion then, and taking advantage of Legolas' distraction in welcoming his guest, I whisper,
"How did it go?"
"It was tortuous. But he survived it, stubborn creature that he is."
That does not reassure me.
"I have a message from Aragorn," Faramir is saying. " I have not told him of your news. I did not think it my place. Have you sent word to him?"
Erynion glares at me for at my insistence he did not inform the King of Gondor. Unless Legolas has done it—and I do not think he has—then Aragorn will not know what has transpired here.
"I have not yet..." For some strange reason Legolas looks uneasy. "What does he want?"
"He is concerned about these incursions by the Haradrim, even before he knows of this latest one. He wants to see us both in Minas Tirith. He thinks we need a more... coordinated approach. I head there now." He gives Legolas an appraising glance. "If we discuss it tonight I can represent you."
I am relieved to hear he does not expect Legolas to go.
"I will go for you Legolas," Erynion says hastily and Legolas frowns and shakes his head.
"I will go." It is the tone he uses when he will not be questioned.
"You are not well!" Erynion says in alarm and looks to me for support but I look the other way, I will not argue with Legolas here in public, in front of Faramir.
"We can arrange something without you." Faramir seems just as anxious but Legolas is having none of it.
"I am well enough!" and the glare he gives Erynion says he should hold his tongue.
"I will come with you Faramir." And he turns on his heels.
"Come. " He waves a hand imperiously in the air as only he can do. "Let me find a room for you. Erynion, see to Faramir's men."
We have been dismissed. He will not be listening to reason today.
It is late when I finally call in to Legolas' rooms—our rooms—but often they do not feel like mine any longer. He is there and he is packing. He has not let go of this ridiculous plan to travel to Gondor.
I would not raise my voice to him out in the courtyard, much to Erynion's displeasure, but I will say my piece now.
"You cannot be serious about this, Legolas."
"I am deadly serious." He does not even turn around to look at me.
"You do not even have the strength to cross the room let alone ride across Gondor."
"It is only a days ride. I will be with Faramir. You and Erynion overstate the danger." He has an answer for every argument and suddenly I have had enough.
I am tired, so very tired. Tired of caring for him while he pushes me away. Tired of trying to make everything right for him when it feels as if nothing will ever be right again, and in that moment it all spills out.
"Elessar has snapped his fingers and you will come running. Is that how it will always be, Legolas? You have no care for us, your people. We are no longer important are we? When you can have these mortals."
He turns on me then, eyes flashing with anger. He reminds me of Thranduil but it does not frighten me.
"How dare you!" His voice is hard and clipped.
"How dare you question my loyalty to our people. I go to Minas Tirith so their voice can be heard. Always, always it comes down to this; your petty jealousy, your uneducated prejudice, and I am sick of it. Who are you? Where is the Maewen I used to love?"
...the Maewen I used to love...it is a body blow but although the words tear me apart I am too angry to stop now.
"I am right here!" I cry throwing my arms out wide. "It is not I who have changed. It is you, and now I am not mortal enough for you. Perhaps you wish you were peredhel so you could actually become one?"
The look he gives me then is cold. It chills me to the bone.
"I have to ask myself, do you love me at all, Maewen? Did you ever love me?"
He turns his back on me.
He cuts me off, with those words, and his actions. It is my worst nightmare, the thing I have been most frightened of ever since he returned to me so changed. Despite his words how could he possibly love me still?
But I have gone too far, I know I have. If I am hurting then he is more so. How can I say such vicious things when he is grieving?
All I know is I cannot let him do this. I cannot let him go to Minas Tirith with only Men for company. They do not know him, even Faramir. They will not care for him, not as we do. He will tell them nothing even if he is struggling. He will run himself into the ground rather than show them any weakness. And so I swallow my damaged pride.
"Do not be such a fool Legolas. Take Erynion with you at least," I plead. I am not above begging him for favours or using blackmail when I need to, when it might be the only way I gain his compliance. "For your Father's sake if not for mine." I say, ignoring his question, and I watch his shoulders slump.
"I need Erynion here."
The fight has suddenly drained out of his voice and he is left despondent. What was I thinking? Why did I say such things? I am ashamed and in my shame my mouth runs away with me before I can stop it.
"I will go."
The words hang heavy in the silence that falls between us, then when he says nothing I repeat them.
"I will go with you to Minas Tirith."
He spins around then to face me with astonishment.
"You said you would never go there."
"I have changed my mind." I lift up my chin and look him in the eyes with a challenge. Now that I have said it he will not sway me on this.
"You said you would hate it, that a city of stone such as that would suffocate your spirit."
"I have been other places I have not liked. I did not enjoy Dol Goldor much if I remember rightly."
"And what if I do not allow it?"
"Then I will follow you on my own, and you know that I will."
I see it then, the very briefest hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth before he turns back to his packing. I stand still and wait as the silence slowly lengthens, watching as he folds this and that into what are strangely organised piles for Legolas. He is delaying; he is wasting time.
"Thank you."
The words are strangled out of his mouth as if he has been forced into it. I think only I alone know what it has cost him to say that, as he alone knows what it will cost me to go to the City of Men.
I wait a second longer, until I am sure that is all he has to say and I watch him, my beloved, who I have just hurt to the core—and who has hurt me—how ever can we stop this?
"I do love you Legolas."
And I turn and walk away, shutting the door behind me.