I had hoped when Legolas woke this morning that some of the closeness we had managed to recapture the night before would remain.
I had hoped in vain.
Legolas is silent and melancholy. He prods the fire moodily and answers me in monosyllables. I do not understand what has happened and it leaves me uneasy—uncertain—and I do not like it. When I reach out to comfort him through our bond he is all jagged edges and tumultuous emotion. I barely recognise him. I sigh as I finish clearing our campsite...today is going to be a long day.
"I am sorry it is such a burden to be with me."
I spin around to see him leaning against a tree watching me. His words are caustic and tell me he is not really sorryat all, about anything.
"It is not a burden. Why do you say that?" My subconscious whispers to me that I lie. I had indeed been feeling burdened by the day ahead.
"Once to have a day ahead of us, just ourselves, the horses, the trees, would have been exciting...a joy. Now you sigh as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. What has changed, Maewen?"
It is a good question he asks. What has changed? How do I answer that? In the end I settle for the obvious.
"You are unhappy, and I ... I do not know how to help."
"Being the way you used to be. That would help," he snaps and he bends to pick up his pack and walk away from me.
I am not in the mood to put up with this today, and I speak before thinking, before I can rein in my tongue.
"That is not fair Legolas. I am doing my best. What more do you want from me? I do not understand this...last night...what has happened since last night?"
"Nothing has happened." At least he turns back to look at me. "I am still here. Taenor is still dead, the man who I thought was my friend tells me he is not. It is all still the same. Nothing has changed. Every morning I wake up and it is all still here weighing down upon me."
I do not know what to say to that.
"I cannot change any of that for you." Is that even what he wants, for me to change it?
"I wish I could Legolas, but I can not."
He leaves then, moving away towards the horses.
"Sometimes I wish you would just go and get it over with." He throws at me bitterly over his shoulder.
What does he even mean? Where did that come from? I cannot pretend it is not hurtful.
"Where would you have me go?" I call after him.
The least he can do is explain his words, but he does not answer and I am left talking to thin air.
We do not speak the rest of the morning. I do not even want to. Never before could I have imagined not wanting to be with him but that is what it is like today. Our bond is stretched so thin it is almost invisible.
He said those words to hurt, to hurt me on purpose. Legolas has never deliberately hurt me. Accidentally, yes of course as we all do, and then he is contrite, apologetic and mortified when he realises. I do not think he will be contrite today. For the first time I find myself wondering if we have anything left to save.
So in silence we ride until finally we reach the edge of our forest. It is such a relief to be back amongst the trees, and I think Legolas feels it, too. It could be my imagination but it seems some of his tension unfurls before my eyes.
I watch him as he lifts his eyes to the trees. There is a light in his eyes again, a glimmer of life. They always transform him. I wonder what he hears? What they say to him? He connects with the trees so much better than I. Usually he will translate for me but somehow I do not think so today. I feel a pang, a jolt of pain at the thought he will not tell me the stories he hears.
As I watch, my thoughts drift to that moment with Taenor, when he and I stood watching Legolas as he flitted amongst the trees, when Taenor had remarked how well he was. Before I joined in to run in the treetops as we used to. Would I ever run with Legolas like that again?
"What are you thinking?"
The sound of his voice after so long in silence makes me jump. The surprise means I do not take the care to hide my thoughts.
"I was thinking of when we ran in the trees before-" almost too late I stop myself but I am not quick enough. He knows what I am about to say.
"Before Taenor was killed." He finishes my sentence, his voice numb and flat as he says the words.
"Yes." I hang my head. The moment of light he had in the trees is gone.
I nudge the horse gently down the path which will eventually lead us to our settlement but Legolas does not follow. When I turn to see why, he is off his horse, standing in the middle of the path.
"What are you doing Legolas?"
He tilts his head to look up at me and his eyes dance with mischievousness. Where has that come from? A moment ago he was sullen and depressed. Somehow he has manage to change before my eyes and it unnerves me.
"Come with me!" He says and he walks up to me holding his hand up for me to grasp.
"Come with you where?" I am confused and all at sea. I thought I knew the way this day would play out. This is not it.
"Run in the trees with me again." His eyes shine but I hesitate.
"The horses know their own way back from here...come with me, Maewen. You know you want to."
I do want to. I do. It is such a tempting suggestion but I did not imagine doing this today. We have been so badly at odds.
"Come on!" he says, "Come on." And he grabs my hand, pulls me from my horse and before I know it I am in his arms and he is laughing...laughing!
"They are pleased to see us, the trees." He whispers in my ear. "They ask me how I come to be with such a beautiful elleth." He grins at me and he looks so young, all of a sudden he is that graceful warrior who asked me to dance and my heart flips. The knots my stomach has been tied in all day slowly begin to unravel.
"What did you tell them?" I laugh back. "Did you say you had stumbled across me and had no idea who I was?"
"I told them..." he murmurs in my ear. His breath warm on my skin, "I am the luckiest man on earth and they cannot have you."
He holds me back then at arms length and gazes at me.
"I am sorry I have been so difficult to be with today. You do not deserve it and I should not take out my misery on you, it is unfair. Run with me now. Let me make it right...let us be how we used to be."
I cannot resist him when he is like this and oh how I do want us to be as we were. I want it with all my heart..
But he has hurt me. I have been protecting him because I know he is hurting but this morning he went too far. I am not a punching bag for him to attack as he chooses, as his unhappiness overtakes him.
And so this time I tell him.
"You hurt me Legolas."
His face falls, the excitement and light bleed out of it before my eyes.
"I know," is all he says, it is all he can say.
"You take advantage of the fact that I love you to lash out at me. One day I might not be able to forgive."
He clasps my hands together in his then and when he speaks it is heartfelt.
"I wish I had not done that. I have so many regrets, my life— at the moment—that is all it is...regret. Let me make it up to you, let us be happy. This will make us happy." He reaches up and brushes my hair clear of my face.
"Run with me, Beloved. The trees await us."
And in the end I can not resist because I want this as much as he does, this moment of joy and freedom.
And so we run.
The wind is in my hair, Legolas at my side, the boughs beneath my feet, and he is right. I am happy. There is no grief, no sadness, no anger and bitterness. There is only us. Our hearts entwined, our fea alight:
Legolas is my love and I am his and in this moment nothing else matters.
We are breathless with exertion and excitement when we arrive on the edge of the settlement. Legolas is glowing.
"I told you it would be good!" He laughs and he takes my hand as we walk towards our home. It is as if the mornings troubles have been washed away.
This oasis of joy and happiness does not last long.
The settlement is in chaos, awash with panic and we are descended on by chattering elves the moment we arrive. They are all over Legolas and their anxiety is palpable. As we stand, bemused and drowning under swarms of our compatriots Erynion strides towards us, cutting a path through the crowds.
His face tells me he is unimpressed...more than that, he is furious.
"Where have you been?" He almost shouts it.
"In the trees," Legolas explains with a wave of his hand, frowning as he does so. I can feel his good mood ebbing away.
"Your horses arrived riderless." Erynion is in our faces, the anger shining in his eyes.
"We did not even expect you back. Have you any idea what that was like? What conclusion did you think we would draw from that?"
Oh, we have been foolish. They have thought us lost and injured or worse. They have believed...even if only for a short time, that they have lost their last Prince. No wonder they cannot take their eyes off Legolas.
"I am sorry-" I begin the apology they surely deserve but Legolas hushes me, tells me with a look to be silent.
"We took some time for ourselves," he snaps. "Is that so wrong?"
"It is when you do not communicate. You are our leader Legolas. You can not do whatever you want when you want. Have a care for those under your protection."
And Legolas explodes.
"I did not ask to be your leader. I did not want it."
His voice rises to a shout.
"Perhaps you should do it Erynion, since you know all about it. You would be so much better than I. I know I am a poor replacement for Laerion. You do not have to tell me that. Get a new Leader... I am done with you."
He strides away across the courtyard leaving us all in speechless shock.
Erynion looks at me and in his eyes is the question, 'What has happened?'
"He has argued with Elessar." I answer him even though he has not spoken it aloud.
"He is unreasonable...irrational... And they are sundered."
"That's right Maewen," Legolas' voice full of bitterness floats back across the courtyard although he does not turn around.
"Make sure to tell him how difficult I am!" And he slams the door that leads to our rooms behind him as he disappears from sight.
I turn to the stunned Erynion then, standing white faced and shocked in front of the crowd who can not help but hear what they should not.
"It has been a nightmare, Erynion, a nightmare."
And I think it will only get worse.
I do not see Legolas again until evening. To tell the truth I avoid him, and being able to leave him alone without worry is such a relief. But eventually I must face up to him and so I go, with much reluctance, to our rooms.
He is there, bent over his desk which is scattered with maps and charts and formal looking correspondence. He looks weary, oh so weary, pale and drawn, head bent so low it almost rests on the desk itself and my heart lurches with sympathy. He hears me of course and lifts his head.
"So you have come at last." He sighs.
"What do you do?"
"I am trying to make sense of the Haradrim." He waves his hand across the maps. "Plotting their appearances, trying to see a pattern." His head slumps, "I thought I should at least make an attempt at leadership since Erynion thinks me so lacking."
"He does not think you lacking. He pointed out we were in error...both of us."
But Legolas simply rubs his head.
I remember then his tiredness, the fact he is still not recovered.
"You should see the healers, Legolas."
"I already have," he says and I am surprised. He has gone voluntarily?
"I have a headache." He smiles ruefully, "It throbs like nothing else. In the end I couldn't stand it. They have given me this..." He indicates a vial on his desk beside him. It is still full.
"You have not taken it." Why go and then not use the help they offer?
"I hate it, that stuff. It fogs my head. I could not concentrate on this if I drugged myself. I have to get this done," he sighs heavily. "If Taenor was here…" and he trails off miserably.
I know what he thinks. If Taenor was here he would have helped him get through this paperwork he so detests.
I walk across then and gather up the maps before him, handing him the vial as I do so.
"You have done enough for tonight. Look at this again in the morning and ask Erynion to help you. Take this."
He does not resist, does not argue which tells me he is truly unwell. Instead he swallows the medicine down with a grimace. Satisfied he is at least being sensible I turn to go but he grabs at my hand.
"Where do you go? Will you not stay...please." Never before has he had to beg me to be with him, and I will stay, now that he has asked; of course I will.
But deep inside me a part of me does not want to. I am tired myself, and sick of fighting, of searching for something between us that is so hard to find now.
For the first time ever I would rather walk away.