Erynion has shamed me.
I realise now the way Legolas is has less to do with me and more to do with the world around him. All this time I have been holding him close, worrying about he and I, and in doing so I have failed to help him as I should.
If I had let Erynion call for Elessar at the beginning, things might not be as disrupted, as they are now, between the two of them.
If I had called for Thranduil immediately as I wanted to then he might already be here or at least not far away. Instead I let my fear Legolas would leave me, control me. And now what do I have? He has left me anyway.
Thranduil is who Legolas really needs I think. I have thought long and hard and I believe Laerion lies at the heart of this. In some way Taenor's death has triggered something within Legolas and it all leads back to Laerion.
I will never be able to help him with that for I was not his lover then. I was only a girl in the same company as he and he was the youngest prince who I watched from afar. I was not privy to what happened after he withdrew into himself when Laerion died. I do not know what they did for him or what he spoke of, or how they cured him. Thranduil will know. He is the only one who knows.
But Thranduil is too far away.
We need someone now. It will be days...weeks...until I can get Thranduil here.
Instead I write to the dwarf.
My Lord Gimli, I think that is how I should address him but in truth I am unsure. I hope I do not offend him before I even start.
I write to you on behalf of Legolas although he does not know I do this and likely will be unhappy with me.
He is not himself and I believe you can help him. We seem to be unable to ourselves though we have tried. If you could come soonest it would be much appreciated.
Yours,
Maewen of Ithilien
It is short and says nothing at all except Legolas needs help. I hope it is enough to get him here but I am uncomfortable to write more. I wonder too if I should tell him who I am, who I am to Legolas. In the end I decide not, possibly Elessar has told him by now in any case.
One of Faramir's men is with us. He has come bearing messages from Minas Tirith on his way home to Emyn Arnen and I plan to send my message to the dwarf with him for there is frequent travel between Faramir's people and The Glittering Caves. Eowyn's folk are there. It will be quicker to get a message sent through them, Legolas often does it this way.
He looks at me in surprise when I tell him my request.
"The Lord Gimli is in Minas Tirith!" He says, "He arrived last night, I saw him myself. They say the King sent for him."
Perhaps I should have predicted this. Has Elessar sent for the Dwarf for Legolas' sake?
"Do you know why?" I ask but he shakes his head.
"I am not privy to the wishes of the King. But I know Lord Gimli is there."
This is good news for it means the dwarf is so much nearer and getting a message to Minas Tirith is much easier. If I send one of our riders in the morning the dwarf could be here by the day after! For the first time in days I feel a surge of hope.
I have learnt from my mistake of the day before. When I leave Faramir's man I go straight to Erynion. I will be keeping no more secrets from him.
"I have written to the dwarf," I say, "I will send it in the morning, he is in Minas Tirith apparently already."
Erynion nods in agreement.
"To send for Gimli is a good idea, perhaps he can succeed where we fail. He has an influence over Legolas I have never been able to understand...it is strange how they are together. Of course," he looks at me grimly then, "Will we even know where Legolas is when he gets here?"
I hesitate over the next thought that flits through my mind, I do not wish to say it but I must. I am not going to travel down the same path twice.
"Shall we tell Elessar Legolas has gone?"
"I intend to." So Erynion has already decided he will go over my head in this. No more will he defer to my better judgement where Legolas is concerned. Is that because he doubts me or he doubts my closeness to Legolas? Perhaps he no longer thinks me best to decide what to do about him.
"But not yet..." he continues, "I will give Legolas a day...two days...to come to his senses. It will shame him to alert Elessar about this if he later returns to us. I do not want that. It is a balancing act Maewen, I try not to give him enough rope to hang himself with."
It is a balancing act indeed and one in which it feels we are blindfolded.
As it turns out it is as well we did not tell the King about our errant Prince for Legolas arrives home, striding into the hall just after lunch the next day. He has stayed away one night only and we all breath a sigh of relief. There is a challenge in his eyes as he looks at me and I wonder, did he do this to frighten me? To retaliate? I stayed away from him one night and so he takes to the trees without letting me know as revenge?
Then I remind myself, there is more to this than him and I. This goes far deeper, and the sea does call to him.
Erynion when he sees him, sees his cockiness, even though he knows it is all pretence, is livid.
"A word Legolas." he snaps as he marches up to him while I trail miserably behind for I feel this will not be pleasant.
Legolas tilts his head to the side as if he is confused although I know he is not. He knows why Erynion is angry.
"Of course," he says as if he has done nothing to cause us any anxiety, "Speak on."
"Not here." Erynion hisses, "We have spent too much time discussing your misdeamours in public lately. Your study." And he walks off without a backwards glance as if he is confident Legolas will follow him and he does. Legolas does not want a public arguement any more than we do.
He shuts the door behind us with a thud as we enter and stands, arms folded, just inside the room.
"What is so important then that it means I cannot eat my lunch?" Sometimes he can be so infuriating.
"You didn't tell us where you were going. We had an agreement Legolas. We have discussed this." On the way here Erynion has calmed down some, but not a lot.
"Am I allowed no time to myself?"
"When it comes to the sealonging—no. How can I keep you safe if I do not know where you are? You have a responsibility to your people Legolas, not to take unnecessary risks and this is one."
"You know nothing about the sealonging!" Legolas snaps, eyes flashing.
"I know that." I wonder then as I listen, not for the first time, how Erynion manages to stay so calm.
"But I have listened to you and I respect it, which is more than you have shown me these last two days."
Legolas turns his back on us then. When he speaks it is to the wall but I can tell from the tension in the muscles on his back he is angry.
"So Maewen tells me I spend too much of my energy on my responsibilities and do not think enough of her," Erynion shoots me a look then, and I scowl in return. I am not happy with Legolas bringing me, bringing us, into this.
"And you say I am irresponsible, that I do not care for my people...it seems I cannot win."
He turns on us then and he is furious. Legolas, when he is angry can be so very, very, like Thranduil if he wants and it seems he does want today for it as if his father is standing there.
"Do not lecture me on my responsibility to my people Erynion. I know it. I never forget it. My whole life has been lived around it. My father has engrained it into me since I was a child. I did not take risks. I was always safe. For your information I stayed within the patrols. I know where they are Erynion because I am the one who oversees them, I know the patterns of our attackers, I know where Faramir's men are. I know where I will be safe and I stayed there. Give me some credit. I did not tell you were I was because I did not need your protection."
He throws his arms in the air in frustration,
"I have been gone barely a day, Am I not allowed even a day...just one day?"
"Not when you are talking of sailing Legolas!" Erynion attacks right back, And Legolas turns to me, betrayal in his eyes.
"You told him? That was between us!"
"What could I do? You had disappeared, you left me no choice Legolas."
He opens the door then, opens it and stands aside.
"Get out. Both of you get out. I have said all I want to, we will talk no more."
"Legolas..." Erynion tries again but to no avail.
"Get out!"
And so we go and I wince at the slamming of the door behind us.
"Well that went well." Erynion sighs.
"At least we know he kept himself safe. That is something surely."
"It is more than I expected." He grudgingly admits.
"I do not envy you, dealing with him at the moment. We can only hope Gimli gets here quickly,"
I sigh heavily.
He will not be pleased with me about that either.
I stay away for the rest of the day. We both do. But when night falls and Legolas has not emerged I dither about what to do. I am uncertain and conflicted. I spent one night away from him and our rooms no longer feel to me as though they are mine but should I stay away? I want to...I really do not want to go back in there. Having taken a step away finding the right way back seems so much harder.
In the end though I am not a coward. I face my fears, that is how I have always been and so I go to see how he is.
At first I do not see him and I am alarmed. Has he run from us again? But no, he is still there. He sits on the floor in the corner, huddled in a ball, his head on his knees, buried in his arms.
"So you have come back tonight," he sighs quietly, although he doesn't lift his head to look at me.
"I thought you would not."
I decide honesty may be the best policy. Neither of us have been particularly honest with the other for a long time it seems.
"I was unsure if I would be welcome." I hover just inside the door.
"You are always welcome. You know that." He sounds so very tired.
"I no longer know it."
"And I no longer know if you want to be here." How do I tell him that I do not?
We are silent then and he does not move from his place on the floor. I should go to him but I do not know what his reaction will be if I do. When he speaks again I jump in surprise.
"I always thought of you." he says. It is barely more than a whisper and I am confused. When did he think of me? When he went to the trees?
"What do you mean, Legolas?"
Finally he lifts his head to look at me and I see he has been crying. It frightens me to see that for it is so unlike him, so unlike his usual strong control. It is as if he falls apart in front of my eyes.
"You have no idea what it was like." He replies, "You do not know the things we saw, the things we did, in the fellowship. I saw enemy the like of which you have never seen, you cannot imagine...the numbers... the hatred...Saruman, Sauron, the hopelessness, the times we thought all was lost, that we rode out simply to die in the best way we could. You have never wanted to know. You do not listen. You do not want me to speak of it."
He is right. I turn my mind from the things he did in the war and I do not want to know them. Things he did without me that I cannot understand. Things that changed him from the Legolas I knew. Things that changed my life without my permission.
Erynion has told me to ask him, he has told me I should listen and at least try to understand.
He has.
But I do not want to, I want to turn back the clock and to have Legolas as he has always been. And it frightens me to think about what happened to him when I was not there. What might have happened.
"I always thought of you." He repeats himself. "In the depths of despair, when I had no hope, you were my light, the reason I went forward. You and my people. I had no choice to do the things I did, to make the decisions I made to keep you safe. When I heard Galadriel's message I thought I went to my death. We all did. When Gimli argued with me to return home, when Aragorn ordered me back—because he did Maewen—he did not want me to die on his behalf, I went on because it was the only chance for you. The destruction of the ring...Aragorn's success. It was the only chance. If it meant I went to Mandos' Halls and we were separated at least you might be safe and we would meet again on the other side."
I cannot breathe. I have never heard this. He has never told me because I have never wanted to hear it.
"It hurts Maewen when you tell me I did not think of you."
There is only one thing I can say.
"I am sorry. I did not understand."
"You do not want to understand."
I move towards him then. He is so weary, so sad, I want to envelop him in my love and lift his burden. I want to take my hurtful words, my wilful ignorance away and mend things. And so I sit next to him and pull him close.
"If you tell me I will listen now."
And he sighs, softly, quietly.
"There is too much. I do not wish to speak of it."
And so when I am finally ready to hear, he does not wish to share it.
Still he drops his head upon my shoulder and I feel him relax against me. It feels good to be together without harsh words. When the anger has gone I still love him, he is still my heart.
"It is enough you want to listen Maewen," he whispers, "That is enough."
There is so much still left unsaid between us. So much bitterness and misunderstanding. But today, I think, I will leave it at this and simply love him...as I used to.