Shiningheart of ThunderClan doesn't own The Hobbit.

Before I continue telling you my story, let me first assure you that the things that happened that night were totally not my fault. All of it can and should be blamed on Kili, because every story he's in doesn't describe in nearly enough detail what a little shit he is.

And I say that with as much love as possible for the cretin.

As the story goes, next to appear was old Balin. His hair was white as snow and he was shorter than me by however many inches Dwalin was taller. He wasn't nearly as susceptible to my charm as his younger brother was. In fact, I'm pretty sure he tolerated my stupidity only because of the faces Dwalin made every time I called him Erdwalin or Justdwalin. And Dwalin had no one to blame about that but himself.

Soon after Balin showed, double knocks sounded on the door. I already knew who it was, but the sheer internalized agony on Dwalin's face made me beat Bilbo to the door so I could fling it up with a dramatic flourish I doubt anyone but the pair of brothers in front of me could appreciate.

Their eyes, blue and brown, lit up upon seeing me. "Fili-"

"And Kili-"

"At your service!" They bowed at the same time, and I wrestled with my inner fangirl to not tackle the both of them to the floor. "Oof!" Did I ever happen to mention I was a very poor wrestler?

They both laid out under me, blinking and gawking up at my tiny 5' frame. Surprise was the only reason I'd knocked them over so quickly. I giggled at their faces and bounced up, waiting for them to stand themselves before giving my name. "Katie, daughter of Candy, at yours! I sincerely apologize for the abrupt greeting, but Dwalin has been dreading this moment more and more since I met him earlier this evening."

I grinned with all the mischief I possessed at them, and answering smirks appeared on their faces. Dwalin was in for a very frustrating night. They shared a look and something flashed between them, though I could not for the life of me tell you what. Then Fili swooped in and picked me up bridal style. He skillfully ignored my indignant squawk- which, considering my flailing, was a rather impressive feat- and grinned charmingly. "Allow me to escort the pretty lady back to her seat!"

Kili followed after us, laughing his ass off. Neither gave a flying fuck at my curses or threats, at least until I threatened to pull Fili's braided mustache from his face. The reaction, however, was the exact opposite of what I wanted. Rather than putting me down, he actually THREW me up into the air, high enough that I brushed the ceiling with my fingers. When I came back down, it was Kili who caught me.

The younger dwarf gave a cheeky grin that, under any other circumstance, I would have found sexy as fuck. Aiden Turner had nothing on the actual Kili, I am so sorry to say. "No beard to pull on. About the only good thing being hairless has going for it!" And because he's a little shit, he tossed me in the air again and laughed when I tried to hang on to the chandelier and failed.

I clung to him when gravity took effect, fists held tightly to his jacket, and glowered. "Kili, I swear to everything you hold near and dear, if you don't release me RIGHT NOW-"

Oh he released me alright. Back into his brother's evil clutches! I shrieked when Kili chucked me once more and Fili did a fancy little spin when he grabbed me from the air. I didn't even realize we were back in the dining room with an audience until Bilbo mused, "Frankly I'm surprised she hasn't tried clawing you yet. Her nails are surprisingly sharp."

Probably not sharp enough to break dwarf skin, but at this point I was willing to give it a try! Fili must have caught the look in my eye. He chuckled and set me rather gently on my feet. "It's all in good fun, I promise. We meant no harm or offense, Miss Katie."

I huffed at the two of them and took the time to actually look them over. Fili had never been my favorite dwarf. I liked him well enough for his devotion to his family, both Thorin and Kili, but I'd never gone out of my way to find any fanfictions or fanart about him. His hair wasn't as blonde as I would have thought, seeming more gold or auburn than blonde. He had the same eyes as Thorin, and the same nose but the rest must have come from his dad. His signature twin swords rested on either side of his hips, but I knew he had multiple knives and daggers hidden on his person.

Note to self: convince Kili later to play a game of Hunt the Pointy Things.

Kili, on the other hand, was sex on legs. His hair fell in a wild, tangled mess down to his shoulder blades, and somehow looked both incredibly soft and prickly as a pineapple. His eyes were such a dark brown they looked black, but they weren't ominous or menacing. They were warm, and danced with silent laughter. He still wore his bow and quiver, but he also had a sword hanging on his side.

Something I found significant though: both were the same height as me. I frowned in thought, looking between all of the dwarves present, and slowly pondered, "I thought dwarves were supposed to be tiny and hairy. Am I just exceedingly short and ya'll are just incredibly bald? Balin, of course, being the exception."

The elderly dwarf chuckled and threaded his fingers through his impressive beard, while Dwalin and the brothers exclaimed angrily. "Nay, lass, t'is not that. We are sons of Durin, the mightiest of the dwarf Clans. Our people are usually taller than the others, like the Firebeards. As for our beards, Fili and Kili are simply younger than us. Theirs have just not yet fully grown in. And Dwalin is only bald on top of his head. His beard just sort of blends in with the fur of his shirt."

I looked closer at the scowling warrior and realized Balin was right. Dwalin's mustache was actually braided into his beard, which looked like the pelt but a few shades brighter. I would have totally apologized to him... had Kili not added his cheerful and unnecessary two cents. "So see, you aren't EXCEEDINGLY short. You're just REGULARLY short. Makes a huge difference."

One second, two seconds, three seconds of silence. Then I emitted a war cry and pounced, once again taking the surprised dwarf to the ground. I am entirely sure he could have me pinned in less than a second, but he was kind enough to give me the illusion I had a chance. The two of us grappled with Fili cheering us on, but Bilbo put a stop to it. With more strength I thought he possessed, he hauled me up by the back of my shirt and snapped, "That's enough of that, if you please. No roughhousing in my smial."

Kili grinned and stuck his tongue out at me, only to yelp when Dwalin actually picked him up and carried him to a seat far away from me. "Mahal's arse, you two are going to give me more gray hair than any orc or warg. I can only imagine what Thorin is going to think!"

I considered it a low blow, bringing up their uncle like that. Kili obviously thought so, for he deflated like a balloon and sank down in his seat. It made me feel bad enough that I questioned Dwalin, "Do all dwarves use Mahal's sexy bits as curses? Or is it just you, Erdwalin?"

Exactly as I planned, Fili and Kili both burst out laughing. Through their spluttering, I was able to hear, "Sexy bits!" "Erdwalin!" "I can't even!" ... Either memes were a thing here or Kili was having problems breathing. I probably didn't help when I shouted melodramatically, "Breathe Kili! For the love of Mahal's sexy bits, breathe!" ... Aaaand he fell out of his chair. Totally worth it.

The next hour was spent with me, Kili, and Fili all laughing and making fun of ourselves, each other, and the peanut gallery. Dwalin was aggravated, Balin was amused, and Bilbo was torn between the two. The only unanimous reaction among the dwarves was when I refused an ale, saying I didn't drink alcohol. I proved I was as stubborn as they are when they insisted I had at least one.

We were in a silent standoff when the bell rang multiple times and fists started pounding on the door. I stood up with an excited smile and wiggled in fangirlish excitement. "That must be Gandalf with the others!"

Bilbo went to open the door with me. Well, he did the opening. I was the one that pulled him out of the way so he didn't get crushed by... Bifur Bofur Bombur, Nori Ori Dori, Gloin and Oin... 8 dwarves. I suck at math, so yes, I did have to actually count.

Gandalf was on the other side of the door and had to bend over in half to look through the door. I wasn't the only one surprised when Bilbo abruptly started pushing the wizard with a very forced smile. "Why yes Gandalf I would love to have a pipe outside how kind of you Katie be a dear and see to the dwarves okay be back in a few minutes!" He slammed the door shut behind him only to pop back in and say, "And no roughhousing with the boys. I mean it!" Then he went back outside.

We all stared for a maximum of three seconds before we heard Bilbo yelling in a decidedly UNhobbity way. I cleared my throat and clapped my hands, smiling when all of the newcomers looked at me. "So either Gandalf is going to die by tiny hobbit hands or Bilbo is going to be in a mood all night. Let's enjoy ourselves before we get an angry short person on our asses. Ya'll might survive that, but I certainly won't."

There was an undeniable snort from the dining room. "Ye can grapple with the lad and curse like a dwarf. I doubt a hobbit would be enough to end ya." Dwalin stepped out of doorway to greetings from the others, and he aimed a smirk at them with a tilt of the head. "Now come on, all of you. Food is this way, and there's lots of it, just like Gandalf promised." The others cheerily discussed this amongst themselves while they made their way forward. Dwalin made to follow them when he realized I'd stayed put to stare at the door. "Lass?"

I gave him an impish smirk and gestured to the door with my head, where Bilbo was still yelling. "I want to see Gandalf's face when he comes back in after Bilbo's intense scolding." He stared at me, like he was trying to see if I was serious. Just to prove a point, I took a seat on a desk, crossed my legs, and leaned against the wall. He shook his head and went back to rejoin the others.

I was expecting to be alone until the other two came back in, but it wasn't even a minute until I was joined by a particular hatted dwarf. Bofur carried two plates full of meat, and was kind enough to have added mashed potatoes and rolls to one of them. "You've never eaten with dwarves before, have ya Lassie?" I shook my head while taking the plate not meant for a carnivore. "If ya don't get a plate at the start, ya don't get a plate at all!"

I laughed and thanked him. "Thank you very much, Master Dwarf. I shall make careful note of that for future reference. Katie, daughter of Candy, at your service!" I would have bowed, but frankly I didn't want to get up.

Bofur don't seem to mind, but then, I seem to remember him not minding a lot of things. He took off his hat and bowed deeply, sweeping his arm out behind him theatrically. "Bofur, son of Bomfur, at yours! I'll let the other lads introduce themselves later. Hope ye join us soon, Miss Katie!"

I waved him off and started eating. The ham was delicious, even if there wasn't any pineapple, and the mashed potatoes were just creamy enough to not seem mushy. It took close to three minutes for Bilbo and Gandalf to come back in. Their faces, respectively, were mildly content and mildly chastised. They must have come to some kind of agreement or truce, because Bilbo no longer seemed hostile.

They paused at seeing me. Bilbo's eyes narrowed at seeing me in his furniture, and I obediently hopped off. "Dwarves are all taken care of. Here, Bofur brought me a plate. You want any?" Both hobbit and wizard sent me nasty looks, and I hastily backtracked. "Or... not." I beat a hurried retreat and zipped back to the dining room.

Coincidentally, the only seat left open was between Fili and Kili. Bofur was in my old seat, and all three wore conspiratorial smiles. I grinned back and bounded over to my new placement. "Aw, lookit! My favorite dwarves have saved a seat chair for me!" I caught them both by the necks and hauled them in close to place a wet, slobbering kiss on their cheeks.

Fili grimaced but put up with it. Kili, on the other hand, squawked and broke away to rub forcefully at the site of contact. "Ew, Katie Cooties! Who knows what diseases you might have?"

I snickered at him and poked at his cheek, avoiding his beard. I thought it the best idea until I knew which customs were true rather than just headcanons people came up with. "I'm afraid there is no cure for the Katie Cooties. You have one minute to pass it on or bad stuff will happen!" Yes, I did totally just make a verbal chain letter. If you think I care, you obviously haven't been paying attention.

Things just got better when Kili turned to the dwarf next to him, Gloin, and pulled him in close to plant a whiskery kiss on the shocked redhead's cheek. "Katie Cooties, pass it on!" He shoved him away, into Oin's side. Kili flashed me a mischievous grin and I threw my head back, cackling. This dwarf! Even if I hadn't promised myself not to fall in love with them, Kili was already swiftly becoming like the little brother I'd never had.

I lost track of time after that. Most of the scenes I remembered from the movie were of the Company readying their feast and Bilbo chasing them around, trying to protect his stuff. Since I'd eliminated both elements, I was the tiniest bit lost on what to do. Should I plan on what to tell Thorin, or wing it? Should I pull Gandalf to an empty room and ask his opinion, or give him credible deniability if Thorin ever found out? There were too many possibilities and even more ways it could go wrong. Maybe this wasn't one of my best ideas...

Luckily, Fili and Kili weren't paying enough attention to notice my wandering mind. Though they sat on either side of me, that didn't stop them from whacking each other behind my back and talking to each other. And the others, of course. Every time I saw this part, I wondered how long it had been since any of them had seen each other. Even Dwalin and Balin, brothers, had remarked on the supposed changes in each other. For many, if not all of them, this was as much a reunion as a business meeting.

The thought made my heart ache, for both them and myself. It was nearly six months from The Shire to Erebor, maybe a bit more. My family will likely suspect foul play almost immediately. In a way, I'm like Bilbo: I don't venture too far out of my comfort zone. And disappearing in the middle of the night DEFINITELY not something I'd be likely to do without someone forcing it. How long would it take until I was declared dead? Would any of them hold onto hope of my survival?

I pictured them all, standing at a grave. Mama would be weeping, there's no doubt about that. I was her baby, after all. She was forever telling me I'd always be her baby, even when I'm on my own and living my own life. And truthfully I'd always been okay with it. But now… I'd always said a parent should never be the one to bury their child. How cruel was the universe that my own mother would be subjected to it?

And frankly I didn't even want to think about my dad's reaction. He and I had always been close. It was a joke in my entire family. My brother and me look like our mother but act like our father. The three of us share the same sarcastic and slightly fucked up sense of humor. Like, there was a story once on the news about a dog being stuck down the well and my first response was to go 'What's that Timmy? Lassie's stuck down a well?' So yeah, fucked up.

As for my brother, well, we weren't the closest of siblings, like Fili and Kili, but we got along alright when we were together. We laughed, we bickered, we teased. We very rarely fought, but that was more because of my non-confrontational personality. He was the backbone between us, always getting into fights or arguments. If anyone would think I was still alive, it would be him.

I was broken from my thoughts when Fili climbed on top of the table to pass out mugs of ale from dwarf to dwarf. "Here you go, lads! Drink up!" He offered one to me with a smirk, and in turn I glowered at him. It didn't seem to phase him, for he shrugged and dropped back into his seat. How he did that without spilling anything, I will never know. "Suit yourself! You don't know what you're missing!"

If only Fili knew… I watched in mixed disgust and astonishment as all the dwarves knock back their drinks and chug. Half of the ale falls into their beards but the rest gets down in record time. Then came the burping contest in which little Ori is who won. The other dwarves cheered him on and I glanced at Dori to see what he thought. I wasn't sure if I was surprised or not to see him looking less than displeased. "Come now, lads, we have a lady present!"

At once there was silence. The majority of the dwarves seemed guilty and uncomfortable, not quite meeting my eyes when I looked at them. Only Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, and surprisingly Bofur were watching me with smirks and/or grins. Slowly I stood up, making sure to have each and every one of their attentions. I looked at the expectant brothers on either side of me, grinned, and let loose the biggest, loudest burp I could at the moment.

It was barely anything I usually did. With only milk to drink the entire day, I'm surprised I didn't vomit over the entire table. However weak it was, though, it was enough to impress the dwarves. Dori gaped at me while the others roared in approval. No doubt I'd offended his delicate sensibilities. His wasn't the only one either; I spied Bilbo staring at me from the corner of my eye only for him to dart out of the dining room into the parlor.

Worry gnawed at me, and I patted Fili and Kili on their shoulders. "I'mma check on Bilbo, okay?" They nodded in understanding, each giving a brief peek in the direction of the hobbit before returning to their conversations. I hurried after Bilbo and found him rubbing his face and leaning against a wall. "Bilbo? Are you alright?"

It took a worrying few seconds for him to respond and when he did, he didn't look at me. "The more time I spend with you, the more I think you're secretly a dwarf." Should I be offended? I feel like I should be offended. Bilbo finally looked at me, eyes narrowed and lips pressed tight. "What exactly was that repulsive display? Were you trying to prove yourself to them? Show that you're just like them? Well you're not! For one, you're not a dwarf. For two, you're a lady, and that was hardly lady like behavior!"

If I weren't so amused at his rant, I'd have been a little miffed at that last part. "Were you there at all when I called that one burning pan a son of a goose-fucking dog turd?" Yes, yes he was, and he turned as red now as he had when I'd done it. "Yeah, I thought so. I might not be a dwarf, dear Bilbo, but I am most certainly not a lady."

Bilbo sniffed and was about to respond when we were joined by a dwarf. More specifically, Ori. Even more specifically, Ori who carried a plate in his hands. Excitement made my eyes widen even as he shuffled awkwardly at the sudden attention. "Pardon me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but what should I do with my plate?"

I made sure to smile as gently as I could at the shy dwarf. Ori's confidence was a middle tier goal of mine. I refused to let the Battle of Five Armies be the reason he carried himself taller. "You aren't interrupting, sweetheart. The kitchen is right through there. Just leave it by the-"

And that is when Fili popped up wearing a wide grin, just as he had in the movie. "Here you go, Ori, give it to me!" He plucked the plate from startled hands only to chuck it to where his brother stood.

Bilbo cried out as the dwarves all started throwing his dishes around. It wasn't the fine antique ones, I made sure of that, but they were important enough for the hobbit to scurry after them. I followed after the flustered hobbit in time to hear the rhythmic pounding of feet, fists, and shinging of knives. "Would you please not do that? You'll blunt them!"

Bofur winked at my wide eyes and growing smile and turned to the others. "Oh, do you hear that lads? He says we'll blunt the knives!"

Kili popped up right next to me, startling a laugh. He snickered wildly at me before hooking our arms together at the elbow and bursting out, "Blunt the knives, bend the forks!"

Fili appeared just as suddenly as before, grinning as widely as his brother, and took my other arm. "Smash the bottles and burn the corks!" Everyone joined together for the next line. "Chip the glasses and crack the plaaaates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates."

And just like that, all of the others whipped out their instruments and struck up a tune. Fili and Kili spun me around in a circle, not missing a beat the entire time. "Cut the cloth and trail the fat! Leave the bones on the bedroom mat! Pour the milk on the pantry floor! Splash the wine on every door!"

My arms were released and I shook my head, trying to get rid of the dizziness, only to yelp when Kili swept me up into his arms and tossed me to Fili, much like they had that morning. They passed me back and forth and even occasionally to the other dwarves, never fumbling or dropping me. I would congratulate them if I wasn't afraid of biting off my tongue.

"Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl. Pound them up with a thumping pole! And when you've finished, if they are whoooole. Send them down the hall to roll!"

I was spun out on my feet in time to dizzily cry out, "That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" The dwarves cheered for me and I laughed with them all, only to collapse against the nearest dwarf. It was one of the ones I haven't spoken to yet, Bifur. The axe in his head was rightly tetrifying, but I knew he was just a giant teddy bear on the inside. "Whoops!" I snickered, legs shaking as I tried to right myself. "Sorry 'bout that, Master Dwarf!"

Bifur smiled widely at that and made some gestures while speaking their language. I didn't understand a single word, but I got the feeling the basic gist was 'no need to apologize'. The dwarves around us were laughing, and I didn't particularly care if it was at me or Bilbo's face. We were happy and light and that's all that mattered.

At least, we were happy and light, until three dull knocks pounded on the front door. All the laughter stopped like it was never there, and in the sudden silence I irrationally feared the dwarves could hear just how hard my heart was pounding. Gandalf met my nervous gaze and intoned somberly, "He is here."

I'm fucked. I'm so fucked.

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A monster chapter for you all! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.