Shiningheart of ThunderClan doesn't own The Hobbit.

So it's been a while since the last update but I have a few legitimate reasons! One, I was in a car crash near the end of August and my arm hurt too much from bruises and burns from the airbag to get much typing done. Then I sliced open my finger on glass (note: pointer finger on my dominant hand) and it still gets tender at times. Then we got a new manager at work who put me on more hours than days when I'd prefer less hours but more days so I've been grumpy at that.

But here it is, finally, chapter 5 of Expect the Unexpected! Enjoy everyone!

I didn't have time for a proper freak out. Kili latched onto me with both hands and dragged me forward, talking too quickly for me to understand. I very much disliked having my own tactic used against me, but I wasn't necessarily upset with him. Kili was just genuinely excited. We led the pack with Fili right behind me. The blond dwarf had calmed down a bit and was more silent in his amusement now. If I didn't know who was behind that door, his sudden mood swing would have caught me by surprise. For the sake of appearances, I gave him a confused look. He winked at me but did nothing else.

Kili let me go once we stopped. I was behind Gandalf when he opened the door, and so I couldn't immediately see Thorin. I could imagine him though, and that suited me just fine at the moment. "Gandalf." His deep voice went a shiver down my spine, one I couldn't stop or hide in time. Luckily none of the others noticed the rather odd reaction. "I thought you said this place would be easy for me to find. I lost my way, twice."

Thorin stepped into the smial then, already removing his cloak. I thought I'd prepared myself to at least see him, but I was oh so very wrong. Thorin's hair was black as opposed to Kili's dark brown, and shots of silver ran through the bangs. His beard was cropped short to his chin, too even to be anything other than deliberate, and his blue eyes were piercing even when they weren't looking at me.

Earlier I'd compared Fili's eyes to his. Looking between them now, I could see how different they actually were. They were similar in color, yes, but somehow Thorin's were a darker shade. Fili's had reminded me of the sky; Thorin's reminded me of the ocean.

Kili scurried forward to take his cloak with the adoring look of a puppy welcoming it's master home. The comparison wasn't very far off either. Thorin gave it wordlessly, but I noticed how his entire face softened when met with his nephew. Rather than being a normal person and putting it with the other cloaks, Kili held onto it like it was a celebrity's used towel. I smirked and nudged him when Thorin turned away, whispering when I had his attention, "You are such a fanboy."

He made a face and stuck his tongue out at me, prompting me to return the gesture and turn back to see Thorin already circling Bilbo. "So, this is the hobbit." Bilbo cast me a frightened look, prompting his interrogator to follow his gaze. I froze under the dwarf king's eyes and without thought or shame dove to hide behind Fili. I regretted it almost immediately when I heard Thorin snort in contempt and turn back to Bilbo. I was ready for him to insult me but when he spoke next, it was simply to ask the hobbit, "Axe or sword? Which is your weapon of choice?"

He'd completely ignored my existence. I was equally annoyed and relieved for that. Bilbo's answer was long in coming, and I lifted Fili's arm to peek out. My reaction had robbed him of any courage he'd gained. His face had paled considerably at being left on his own, and he wasn't even fussing about Fili being downgraded to meat shield. "I have s-some skill in C-Conkers, if you must know." Bilbo stuttered. His eyes flitted about, searching for help. At realizing no one was coming to his rescue, he took a deep breath and met Thorin's eyes evenly. "I fail to see how that's relevant."

Thorin seemed far from impressed, even less so than he had in the movie. "I thought so. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar." Bilbo's shoulders dropped and the dwarves all around me chuckled. Not one of them even tried to defend him. I'd hoped his lack of fuss about his things would earn him some respect, but obviously it took more than that to get on their good sides.

I felt an unexpected rush of fury at all of them and stepped out from behind Fili, taking a few strides forward to get away from the crowd. Their attention practically snapped to me, all except for Thorin who kept his eyes on Bilbo. Putting all of my annoyance and irritation in my voice, I growled, "And you look more like a beggar than a king." There was a simultaneous hiss of everyone sucking in breath at the same time. Thorin's shoulders stiffened, and he slowly turned to glare heatedly at me. I stayed put this time, meeting his scowl with one of my own. "I guess not all appearances are as deceiving as Bilbo's."

The anger in his eyes was upgraded to fury, even as his kin shifted uneasily away from the two of us. I was almost glad they wouldn't interfere. Despite the rage in his expression and posture, his voice was steady when he spoke to me. "And who, girl, are you?"

I kept my voice clipped, saying in four words just how much he didn't deserve to know my name. "Katie, daughter of Candy." The customary 'at your service' was left out on purpose, and the darkening of his eyes said he heard the unsaid insult.

I guess I was right when I worried for my self preservation those few days ago. Eh heh. Oops?

Gandalf was practically begging me to play nice. His eyes were wide as they stared straight at me, and his grip on his staff was so tight his knuckles were white. All he needed to do was hold his hands together in front of him to complete the picture. Too bad for him I didn't really want to play nice.

To give him credit, at least Thorin wasn't yelling. I'd expected him to be cursing me in their dwarfish tongue or something. Maybe women were so respected in their society that even the thought of cursing at one would be horrible. "And why, Katie, daughter of Candy, are you here?"

Remember when I said I'd get revenge on Gandalf for saying I wasn't subtle? My mouth decided now was the perfect time for it without asking my input. In the same clipped tone as before, I announced to all gathered, "Gandalf kidnapped me." Thorin was visibly taken off guard by the proclamation, blinking and wide eyed.

Gandalf spluttered even as all the dwarves murmured and snickered amongst themselves. Many of them must have realized I was merely messing around. A grin slipped onto my face, confusing the dwarf in front of me even more. At about that time, Gandalf recovered enough to deny vehemently, "I did not kidnap you!" He seemed as offended by the suggestion as he had the first time I'd made it, when we first met after I woke up.

Good, that made this even better for me. Still looking directly at Thorin, I told the dwarf, "It's almost insulting how stupid he seems to think I am."

The beginnings of a smirk curled on his face, and suddenly I could see the resemblance to Kili as well as Fili. It was startling, for more than one reason. "He has a talent for that, it seems." Gandalf wasn't the only one incoherent at this point. I very distinctly heard Fili and Kili choking behind me, vibrating with silent laughter. "Still, I must give the wizard some benefit of the doubt. Why do you say he kidnapped you?"

Gandalf puffed himself up at that, sure I wouldn't have any evidence against him. Rather than give in so easily, I counted on my fingers, "One, I was removed from my place of rest by magical means against my will. Two, I was moved to a place I couldn't have gotten out of without help. Three, Gandalf just happened to be there and the only person around to help me." You know, though, now I was curious. Looking back at the old wizard, I asked, "Hey though, how did you know where to find me if you didn't kidnap me?"

He curled around his staff sheepishly and grinned at me half-heartedly. Apparently he already knew where I was trying to steer the conversation and realized how it might look on him. "The Valar gave me a vision of a forest and a young woman, the night after I met Thorin in Bree four months ago. The timing was too perfect to be a coincidence. I believe they wish for young Katie to join us on our quest."

Silence. Even Fili and Kili had stopped laughing to turn a disbelieving eye on Gandalf. I gave everyone a few seconds to let that sink in before chirping brightly, "Good enough for me! Now you, I have a serious question for." Thorin turned back to me, and his eyes narrowed for reasons I'm not sure of. Maybe that was just his 'resting bitch face'. The air turned anticipatory, everyone waiting to see what was important enough to wipe all smiles from my face. Thorin must have sensed how seriously his kin were taking it and nodded gravely for me to go on. Really, they all should know better by now. "Why the fuck are you taller than me?"

THE FACE HE MADE. I wish you could have seen it. It was the single most greatest what-in-the-fuck face I have ever received from anybody. Whether it was his face or my question, I will never know, but one of them finally made Kili absolutely lose it. He bent over double, laughing so hard he was actually wheezing and making almost no noise. Fili was about as well off, but Kili was the one I whirled on, turning my back on Thorin in the process in a show of trust. "Shut up, okay?! It's not funny! My brother already used to make fun of me for being short! Do you know how bad he's going to tease me when he learns there are actually multiple dwarves taller than me?!"

It didn't help. If nothing else, he laughed harder. I'm pretty sure at this point everyone EXCEPT Thorin was expecting me to tackle the young prince, and who was I to disappoint them? Kili didn't even get the benefit of a war cry this time. I just lunged and took him down to the floor. He wasn't even trying to defend himself, instead just halfheartedly shoving my hands and arms away. We rolled around with the Company moving out of the way, hooting and hollering and cheering for either me or Kili. Curiously, Thorin's voice was absent.

Neither of us paid any attention to where we were going, and as such were caught by surprise when we rolled right into the wall. The more immediate problem, however, was the crack of a shelf breaking overhead. Kili was still laughing too hard to do much of anything, and frankly I'm not even sure he noticed. I had a split second to react, and I did so instinctively by throwing myself on top of him, shielding his head and shoulders.

Less than a second later, I realized how stupid that was. He was a dwarf, and as such had a far thicker skull than me. Unfortunately I didn't have time to move out of the way. I don't even know what fell on me or how much there was, but it hurt. Something with a corner smashed into my head, and if I hadn't already been squeezing my eyes shut I don't doubt I would have seen stars.

For 20 seconds things rained down on us. When they were done, there was a split second of silence before anyone reacted. In fact, the quiet was broken by myself, who hastily scrambled off of Kili and pulled him up, inspecting his face and head as much with my hands as my eyes. "Are you hurt? Did any of them get you?" He was worryingly pale with eyes wide. "Say something Kili!"

He did, but it wasn't what I was expecting. "You're bleeding." His hand extended towards my face and when he pulled back, there was a bit of blood on the tips. I blinked at it and touched my scalp, where the corner had smacked me, and flinched away from the minute sting. "Oin, she's bleeding!"

The panic in his voice broke the others from their stunned stupor, and they all surged forward trying to talk over each other. Here's the thing you guys probably don't know about me: I hate crowds. I hate the feeling of being boxed in by people, of being watched and judged for every word, gesture, and mistake. My grip on Kili tightened and I shrank against him, trying to shield myself from all of their eyes. Whether he understood my reaction or not, soon his arm went around my shoulders and he let me hide my face in his shoulder.

Oin had to force himself through with elbows and kicks, a bag swinging around his shoulder. "Move it, coming through! Give the lass some air, dammit!" Mahal, Durin, Eru, I don't care who it is, but someone please bless this magnificent healer for making them all back off. He kneeled next to us and took one look at the wound before snorting. "It's only a head wound. They always bleed more than anywhere else." Bifur grunted in affirmation at that, like Oin's word wasn't enough. I guess the axe-headed dwarf would know better than anyone. He poked at the skin around my wound, ignoring my whine, before rooting around in his supplies and bringing up a square of gauze and a roll of bandages.

Kili nudged me off him and gave me an apologetic grin with he spotted my betrayed look. Oin was quick in applying pressure and winding the bandages around my head with instructions to tell him if I felt dizzy or confused. I couldn't help snorting and giving him a cheeky look. "I live in a constant haze of confusion, Master Oin. I imagine you'd get sick of me before the night ended if I told you every time I got muddled."

I made to stand up and grabbed the first hand that appeared, not even checking to see who it belonged to. Imagine my shock when I realized it was Thorin Oakenshield who was pulling me up. He let my hand go afterwards but didn't look away, brow furrowed in thought. "Why did you do that? He's a dwarf. None of those would have hurt him." I glanced at the scattered pile of things and realized it had been a shelf of books to collapse on us.

My grin felt fake when I turned it on him, though I was truly sheepish. "Truthfully it was more instinct than actual thought. Don't ask me how, but in the span of one night this absolute cretin has become like a little brother to me. I would have acted the same way were they arrows or knives." I hoped, at least. I knew myself well enough to be aware that I was a coward. "You'll find, Master Oakenshield, my reactions are fueled more by instinct and reflex than forethought."

The thoughtful frown on his face turned into a scowl, and he crossed his arms to make himself seem bigger. Or bring attention to his muscles. Both served to make him seem more intimidating. "And what of hiding behind Fili earlier? Is it reflex to hide behind the nearest friend at the first sign of possible danger?"

I thought about telling the truth, that frankly HE was the one that terrified me, but ultimately decided I liked living. "No, it's reflex to hide from the disapproving dad stare." I'm pretty sure he hadn't meant to just let his entire face go slack. It wasn't even a stoic unemotional face, just a deadpan 'did this bitch just say that' expression. For the second time in five minutes, I'd caught him off guard. Then my eyes found the narrowed gaze of one Bilbo Baggins and I pointed at him. "Now see, Bilbo has the perfect disapproving dad stare."

The hobbit stepped around Thorin to no doubt scold me, but I sidestepped as well to keep the dwarf king in the middle of us and continued speaking like Steve Irwen. "Direct your attention to the narrowed eyes, flared nostrils, slowly reddening cheeks from mixed anger and embarrassment." The hobbit took a step left, I took one right. "Aye, the perfect specimen, he is! Perhaps it's a sign among his species that he's searching for a suitable mate!"

The red in Bilbo's cheeks advanced, and he facepalmed before taking a deep breath. "Master Oakenshield, I apologize for her childishness. If you would see fit to move aside so that I might hit her, I would be extremely grateful." Frankly I don't know what I'm more surprised by, the request itself or that Thorin actually moved. "Much obliged." And like a crow on carrion, the tiny person swooped in to slap me on the arm. I'm pretty sure if he could reach it he would have slapped me upside the head. "How many times today have I told you no roughhousing? No, no sass, just tell me. How many times?"

I looked up and squinted, as if that would help me remember. "Erm... I think three, maybe four times? Kili?" I looked at the amused dwarf in question, who shook his head and held up two fingers. "Really? Only twice? It felt like more." I turned back to Bilbo who looked equally fondly exasperated and fed up with my antics. "So twice."

Rather than directly reply to me, Bilbo threw his hands in the air like he just didn't care and turned to jab the stunned Thorin on the shoulder. "She's your problem now. I wash my hands of her and her shenanigans."

I gasped dramatically at that, and I think it was a sign of how used to me he'd become that Bilbo didn't even pause in his stomping away. "You don't mean that! You love me!" No reaction. Not deterred, I gave Kili a wide-eyed wretched look. "Kili, Papa Bilbo doesn't love me anymore!"

I started dry sobbing, wishing more than anything that I was more proficient in crying on cue. The lack of tears didn't stop him from joining in on my act. Kili pulled me to him and pet my head, making shushing noises and rocking me back and forth like a mother would her babe. "Who needs that stinky old hobbit anyway when you have awesome brothers like me and Fili around?!"

Another hand joined Kili in the patting and Fili's voice joined in with the crooning. "Yeah, that's right! Mother has always wanted a daughter. She'll be ecstatic that we took it on ourselves to adopt a sister!"

I stopped 'crying' immediately to shoot Fili a wide eyed look. "Do free piggy backs come with that? Because piggy backs are the awesomest way to travel." His response was to laugh and turn around, presenting his back in a wordless invitation. I squealed in happiness and transferred myself from Kili's chest to Fili's back, wrapping my arms around his neck and locking my knees on his waist. I barely caught sight of his devilish smile before he lurched to his feet in one movement, almost knocking me off.

I cursed at him damn near instantly, and almost as instantly he was laughing at me. "Where to, my lady? Your wish is my command!" I hummed and looked around, searching for an idea. The others had separated now, waiting for my episode of stupidity to be over. They should have moved to the dining room by now to discuss Thorin's meeting with the dwarf lords, but had instead stayed around to witness my newest mischief. Dwalin and Thorin were whispering to each other, their eyes on the me and the princes. Thorin's expression was a mixture of annoyance, confusion, and curiosity. No doubt wondering who the hell I was that his nephews were already so attached to me.

That gave me an idea, and I pointed passed Fili towards to the kitchen. "To the kitchen! I wanna see if we still have stuff to feed Thorin since Gandalf gave him shitty directions."

I almost expected Gandalf to start protesting again, but all he did was give a long suffering sigh. No, the one to speak up was surprisingly Dwalin, who scowled at me. "Oh I see how it is. He gets the respect and kindness while I get Erdwalin."

Fili was already moving when I gripped his shoulders and bent backwards to look at the bald warrior upside down. It was probably impossible to take me seriously, but that was good. I didn't want them to take me seriously. "That's because he's prettier than you are!"

The golden-haired prince almost tripped when he heard that but kept jerking caused my hands to slip and I would have fallen on my head again had Kili not been following us. The younger dwarf was practically quivering with restrained humor when he asked, "Did you just make a pass at my more-than-thrice your age uncle?"

I grinned at him as best I could without letting go of Fili. "Age doesn't matter. So long as both are legal and consenting adults, I see no problem. And is it really a pass if I'm simply stating the truth? Thorin is prettier than Dwalin." We passed into the kitchen with the two dwarves giggling like a pair of school girls to find Bilbo already puttering around. He had a pot of water boiling and was in the process of seasoning a steak when we walked in, and I would have whistled had I been able to. "Wow. I didn't think we had this much left over."

Bilbo sniffed at me and sprinkled something on the beef without looking up. "Did you really think I'd clean out my own pantry to feed a bunch of strangers? I still have an entire cupboard left of food. Now get out of my kitchen before you break something! Go tell Master Oakenshield he is going to have a steak sprinkled with sage and parsley and a side of homemade mashed potatoes. Now all of you, out! Shoo!"

He chased us out by waving a towel and threatening to smack us. It probably wouldn't have hurt them, but none of us wanted to chance it hitting my head. The boys backpedaled and allowed themselves to be herded like cattle to the dining room, where everyone was settling in. Three spots had been left for us, but they weren't the same as before. The arrangements had shifted now to show ranks.

Gandalf was sitting separate from the table to show his neutrality. Or it was the only Big Person chair in the smial and he couldn't be arsed to move it. Personally I thought the latter, but if I asked he'd probably say the former because 'wizards act as the impartial hand of the Valar' or some mystical bullshit like that.

As First Advisor and Head Guard, Balin and Dwalin were immediately seated to Thorin's right and left hand, respectively. The two empty seats were next to Balin, showing the two's royal status as princes. They were opposite Gloin and Oin, though I don't know if that was as the Banker and Healer or cousins to Thorin. That left the Ri brothers and the Ur brothers to sit at the end, of the lowest rankings. My seat was between Bofur and Nori, which surprised me a bit. Not that I was of a low rank, but that I was allowed to sit at all. I had always thought the reason Bilbo hadn't joined the table in the movie was because there hadn't been enough chairs, but now... Was it just a matter of respect?

Fili crouched so I could get off his back, and I patted his shoulder in thanks before slipping off and sliding behind people. Wisely I decided not to go on the Ur side because I would have had to climb over Bombur to reach it. When I was seated, I looked around to see everyone watching me, like they were waiting for my reaction to my rank. "Erm... hi?"

There was a noticeable slump of relief to more than one of them. Strangely enough, Bofur was one of them. I cocked my head at him and blinked, and the hatted dwarf was kind enough to explain. "We was worried you'd be offended at being sat with the lowest of the low. That is, the miners and tinkers."

Nori leaned closer from my other side to add his own two cents, a gleam of mischief in his eyes. "And the thieves! We're people too you know! Don't know why you'd be offended though when we're such wonderful folk." Dori scoffed from the other side of the table and Nori tensed, but my giggling distracted him. "Nori, son of Rona, at your service lass! Whatever those services may be." He wiggled his ridiculous eyebrows and I could practically feel the disapproval from half of the room.

Not Bofur though. His chuckling joined my giggling and he would have spoken had Dwalin not chosen that moment to throw an annoyed look our way . Balin was the one to pointedly ask in the following silence, "What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?"

Thorin sipped on a cup of ale, keeping one eye on the kitchen where we heard Bilbo messing with stuff noisily. "Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms." There were mumbles from the rest, sounds of excitement and hope. Why they thought he had good news to tell them I could never quite know. Maybe that frown really was his resting bitch face and he wore it even when he was giving happy news.

Dwalin was the next to speak directly to their leader. "What do the dwarves of the Iron Hills say? Is Dain with us?"

Thorin was taking his sweet time responding, quite unlike what had happened in the movie. I gave him a minute, but all he'd done was drink more and avoid Dwalin's eyes. I decided then to take the brunt of their disappointment and slowly answered for him, keeping my gaze on Thorin's form. "I don't know who this Dain is... but from your body language, I'm guessing he ditched us?"

Durin blue eyes jumped to meet mine. I expected anger, perhaps indignation for me answering for him. But all he did was nod, drawing a growl of ire from the bald warrior. "He says this quest is ours and ours alone." More grumbling from the peanut gallery. Thorin let them grumble before addressing me. "What do you know of our purpose?"

It made them all shut up and look intently at me, and I would have been nervous had both Nori and Bofur not brushed their arms against mine. Whether it was an accident or an act of comfort I don't know, but it helped me calm down and answer Thorin without stuttering and stumbling. "I know you're the leader of Ered Luin and you're a king by blood, if not by circumstance, and that our goal lies to the East. That's all Gandalf has told me, though not without me asking. He said stuff about me needing to hear it from you, that it's your quest and he's just helping it along and blah blah blah. Kind of tuned him out then."

The wizard scowled at me, but dropped it when Bilbo came in carrying a loaded plate of food. "You're going on a quest?" He didn't sound curious or excited, like some people said he was in their fanfictions. He sounded worried and afraid. I wondered why for a moment until he cast a frightened look in my direction. My chest simultaneously warmed and tightened when I realized he was afraid for me.

Gandalf and Thorin exchanged looks and the taller male hedged, "Bilbo, let us have a little more light." The hobbit scurried away and came back lighting a candle in the span it took for Gandalf to retrieve an old piece of parchment. My heart pounded in my chest and I stood to get a better look at the inking on it. "Far to the east, over ranges and rivers, lies a single solitary peak."

Bilbo leaned slightly to read aloud, "The Lonely Mountain." I whined to get his attention and made a small grabby motion to the map. He rolled his eyes and chided, "Use your words, young lady. It wouldn't kill you to say please."

Despite his annoyance, he lightly slid the map over to me. It stopped perfectly in front of me, and I had to wonder just how Conkers worked if Bilbo had known just how much force to use and just which angle to slide it at. "You never know. I could be deathly allergic to manners and using the p word might cause my that to swell and block off air. Then I would slowly die a horrible painfilled death and it would be all your fault."

I could barely concentrate enough to make the sassy reply. The map of Middle Earth was almost as iconic as the green door to Bag End, perhaps even more so. I wanted to run my fingers over it, but I didn't want to damage it in any way. Instead I examined it. It didn't look anything like I had always imagined, but that's because I couldn't ever remember what the map actually looked like. I had wanted to inconspicuously find a place I could say I was fro, but this was a smaller scale map that only showed parts of Middle Earth. I'd have to look at a fuller one later. No doubt Bilbo had a few lying around.

The meeting had gone on while I was preoccupied. Oin and Gloin were already speaking about the portents, so I slid the map along the table aiming for Gandalf. I overshot it though and Thorin had to slap a hand on it to keep it from falling. He glared in irritation and I ducked my head in silent apology, smiling sheepishly. The exchange took less than five seconds, and I tuned back to hear Oin go, "...the reign of the beast will end!"

Bilbo squeaked at that and spluttered, "A beast? What beast? Are you talking about that dragon in the corner of that map?" Well he hadn't said that in the movie…

Bofur took out his pipe and set to cleaning it out, far too nonchalant and casual for the matter at hand. "Aye, that would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne firebreather, teeth like razor, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals-"

The hobbit cut him off and seemed far more perturbed than I thought was warranted. "Yes, I do believe I just demonstrated I know what a dragon is. What I'm trying to figure out is why that would cause 13 dwarves-"

He was interrupted when Ori abruptly stood up, eyes shining in enthusiasm to impress the elders. "I'm not afraid, I'm up for it! I'll give him a taste of the old dwarvish iron right up his jacksie!"

The others jeered and cheered, but my voice overpowered even Dori's when he pulled his baby brother back into his seat. "I'm pretty sure that's illegal in everywhere but Rohan!" A vast majority of the dwarves burst out laughing, including Gloin and excluding Dori and Ori. And three others, but I hardly feel the need to mention Balin, Dwalin, and Thorin.

Once they'd all calmed down a bit, Balin brought everyone back on topic. "The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just 13. And not 13 of the best, or the brightest." And if his eyes flitted to specific dwarves at the observation, well, I wasn't going to be the one to call him out on it.

Everyone else made enough noise that I doubted I'd be heard anyway. Protests rang on both sides of the table, led by Nori and Bofur. "Hey, who you calling dim?!" The thief cried, insulted.

They silenced when Fili pounded on the table, and I spotted Bilbo wince at the disrespect of his furniture. Note to self, make Fili apologize later. "We might be few in numbers, but we're fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!" I raised my eyebrows and cleared my throat pointedly, crossing my arms. The blonde was quick to amend his statement. "And Miss Katie, of course. She's got a fighter's spirit, even if she's not strong enough to lift one of my daggers."

Thank you Fili for the underhanded compliment. I glowered at him and would have responded in kind had Kili not spoken, and his words made me snort and cover my mouth to hide my shit eating grin. "And you forget we have a wizard in our company! Gandalf would have killed hundreds of dragons in his time!"

Panic flared in Gandalf's eyes for but the briefest moment but it was enough to make me choke on a laugh. "Oh, well, I wouldn't say…" He trailed off and avoided eye contact by messing with his pipe, grinding the weed inside and lighting it. I would have spoken but I was too busy busting a lung trying not to laugh.

Dori leaned toward the wizard and inquired, "How many then?" Gandalf hummed in question, and Dori specified, "How many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!" The wizard choked on his pipe and the dwarves all stood up, shouting and arguing about exactly how many dragons Gandalf has killed.

All of my amusement was wiped out from the sudden roar and I clapped my hands to my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block them all out. I hate it when people are yelling. People yell when they aren't happy, and I don't like it when people aren't happy. Usually they look for someone to blame, and usually that person is me.

"Shazara!"

Thorin's loud yell silenced everyone immediately, and as such I'm sure everyone heard my puff of relief. I sat back up normally and realized everyone's eyes were on me, even Thorin's. I felt my face flush at the sudden attention and darted my eyes around, instinctively looking for a way out. "I… um… sorry…" I bowed my head, not sure what else to say to make them move on and stop staring.

It took longer than I was comfortable with, but Thorin finally went on with his speech. "If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon has not been seen for 60 years. Eyes look east, wondering, assessing, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lays unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is ours? Or do we take this chance to take back Erebor? Du bekar! Du bekar!"

The cheer was repeated by the others and I plastered on a smile, wanting to get back to normal with them and for them to forget my weak moment. "Yeah, do ba-whatever!" Laughter was my response and I breathed a silent sigh of relief. The only ones to not smile or laugh were Thorin and surprisingly Kili, who frowned at me. I didn't want to draw attention to it so I merely tilted my head at him and blinked. He glanced around at the others and shook his head the slightest bit, making me narrow my eyes but shrug.

For those who don't read silent conversations, here's what went on:

Me: "What's wrong?"

Kili: "Too many people, talk later."

Me: "If you say so."

Thorin was the only one to catch on, and his frown deepened more. Likely he wasn't used to anyone besides Fili having silent conversations with his younger nephew. Honestly I would have tried the same thing with him but Balin chose that moment to bring everyone back on track. "You forget, the front gate is sealed! There is no way into the mountain."

Gandalf took his pipe away from his mouth to grin at the old dwarf. "That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true." With a clever sleight of hand, he pulled an old key from seemingly nowhere.

And just so he didn't get a big head about it, I pointed at him and said bluntly, "I saw that. You are so not as sneaky as you seem to think."

I was ignored. Naturally. Thorin only had eyes for the key, and I had to wonder if he knew actually what it was. I mean, he didn't know about the hidden entrance, he didn't know about the map. Why did he seem so in awe of such an old looking trinket? "How came you by this?" he breathed in a whisper.

Gandalf's smile turned soft rather than smug and I had to marvel at the transformation. It made the lines on his grizzled old face more pronounced and he seemed more a grandfather now than he did before. "It was given to me by your father, Thrain, for safekeeping. It is yours now." With a solemness that didn't really match the simple gesture, Gandalf handed it over. Music played in my head to make the scene more dramatic and I internally giggled.

The silence was broken by Fili, who too was looking at the key. "If there's a key… there must be a door."

It was the obvious answer, but also not the only one and I felt the need to throw out as well, if only to remind them all to keep an open mind. "Or a chest." They all turned to look at me and I shrugged, blinking innocently at them. "What? To kill a dragon we'd need a powerful weapon, and something like that would have to be hidden away long ago to prevent evil hands from acquiring it. Who better to protect something like than a wizard?"

There was some grumbles, either discussing the possibility or disagreeing with it. Gandalf's eyes were on me and I met them with raised eyebrows. He was looking at me like he had in the Prancing Pony, like he was trying to look into my very soul to see what made me tick. I honestly got the feeling he hadn't taken me seriously about being a good liar until that moment. "An interesting theory, but wrong nonetheless." I glowered at him for parroting the words of our first meeting and he very pointedly looked away, back at Thorin. "These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls."

Kili clapped his brother excitedly and declared for all to hear, "There's another way in!" He threw me such a smug look that I had to laugh. "Fili was riiight, you were wrooong!" He singsonged. It only made me laugh harder, and him making ridiculous faces didn't help either. Only when Fili elbowed Kili did either of us notice the glare Dwalin and Thorin were sending us. We settled for sticking our tongues out at each other before aiming twin innocent looks at the warriors and I swear to God there was a smile hovering on Thorin's lips even as he rolled his eyes in a rather unkingly way.

Gandalf was quick to move the meeting on and responded to Kili's statement, eyes sparkling in merry humor. "Well if we can find it, but dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The secrets lie hidden somewhere in this map and I have not the skills to find it!" There was a slump in shoulders all around and Gandalf hurried to reassure them. "But there are others in Middle Earth who can!" Like a certain elf lord. "The task I have in mind requires a great deal of stealth and no small amount of courage. But I believe if we are quick and clever, it can be done."

A look of realization dawned on multiple faces and little Ori explained for everybody, "That's why we need a burglar!"

Bilbo rocked back on his large feet and innocently agreed. "Mhm, and a good one I imagine!" He looked at me, as if he thought I was the burglar they spoke of. I leaned back in my seat with crossed arms and raised an eyebrow at him. It took a moment of confusion before clarity made his eyes go wide. "Me? You want me as your burglar?!" Gandalf threw Thorin a look that marginally confused me, but it dropped into a disappointed one when Bilbo flustered on. "I can't be a burglar! I've never stolen a thing in my life!"

Balin hummed and stared at Bilbo for a few minutes before sighing and looking around at the Company. "I have to agree with Master Baggins. He's hardly burglar material."

Bilbo nodded furiously, as if doing so would make him even less of a burglar. Dwalin stared at Bilbo as well, and I wasn't the only one surprised by what he said next. "I'm not entirely sure about that, brother. You yourself witnessed how easily he hauled the girl off of Kili when he called her short." Kili opened his mouth to say something, I have no idea what, but Dwalin silenced him with a single look. "The lad has a surprising backbone to him that you wouldn't expect at first glance. He isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty, I've seen that much. So have all of you, matter of fact!"

Multiple dwarves made sounds of confusion. I had a no idea what he was talking about, but I offered all the same, "Do you mean cooking all that food, keeping his entire home clean by himself, or dealing with my bullshit the entire day?"

Dwalin snorted at the third option and said with a smirk, "I was actually talking about him glaring and jabbing at Thorin earlier after ye threw yourself at Kili. But 'dealing with your bullshit', as you put it, certainly says a great deal about his character!" That it does, dear Dwalin, that it does.

Bilbo stuttered and grew even paler when he realized they were actually giving him consideration. "B-but I can't fight! And the world is dangerous outside of the Shire! Bandits and mercenaries and orcs and goblins and trolls! And then the wolves! Howling and baying with their teeth and claws... I would die before we even got passed the Old Forest!"

He was starting to hyperventilate as he spoke, and I stood so fast almost I knocked my chair over. It wasn't time for him to faint! The next second I was by his side, hands on his shoulders to make sure he looked at me. I kept my voice low and calm so as to avoid him panicking more. "Easy, Bilbo, look at me. You're safe, you're fine, I've got you. Deep breaths. Breathe with me, okay?" I inhaled slowly, counted to 10 seconds, and let it go. It took a few minutes of repeating before Bilbo had calmed down enough to continue. "There you go. Better?"

He nodded, smiling sheepishly up at me. "Thank you. Sorry about that. I haven't had a panic attack since my parents died in the Fell Winter 34 years ago, when I was but a tween." Thorin aimed his darkening frown at Bilbo's back and I wish I knew what he was thinking. Did he think Bilbo was searching for sympathy? That the only reason he brought it up was to garner pity? I hope not. Bilbo was cunning, yes, but he wasn't devious.

Part of me prayed that the frown was him realizing Bilbo wasn't as sheltered as he first appeared. He might not have seen battles yet or outwitted trolls or riddled with Gollum, but he wasn't without his scars. Nobody ever is. Pushing Thorin's reaction from my mind, I patted Bilbo on the head like one does a child and said, "Don't worry about it. I know from experience how hard it is to get through panic attacks on your own." Admittedly his panic attack was vastly different from what mine typically are. This one was from a traumatic experience that left him with a fear; mine is usually just from dealing with too many people in a short amount of time.

Thorin wasn't the only one who snapped attention to me. I did my best to ignore them as I went back to my seat. Kili was frowning at me again but looked away when I raised an eyebrow at him. This wasn't another silent exchange, this was Kili blatantly ignoring me. And I wasn't sure how much I liked it.

Gandalf brought me back to the matter at hand by directing the conversation back to canon. "I can see doubts still, but I assure you that Bilbo is the perfect person for the job. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet, and can in fact pass unseen if they so choose. Smaug will know the smell of dwarf, but the scent of hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage."

He looked directly at Thorin as he continued. "You have asked me to find the fourteenth member of this Company and I have chosen Mister Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances may suggest, and he has a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself." A small staring contest between the king and the wizard has many of us squirming in our seats before Gandalf insisted, "You must trust me on this."

Thorin is stubborn for only a few more moments before he sighs. "Fine, we will do it your way." He wordlessly gestures for Balin to hand over the contract to Bilbo before his gaze once again finds me and pins me to my seat. "And you? Gandalf seems adamant that you join us, whether the Valar brought you here or not. It will be dangerous and for my peace of mind and your safety, you should stay here."

I stared at him with a furrowed brow. That was… polite. Almost friendly. I'd expected him to flat out deny me being there. That's how it always was in fanfictions. I mean I knew he was secretly nice, and that he was far kinder than he would have you believe, but this flat out pleasantness had me thrown. "Frankly Master Oakenshield," I started slowly, looking down at the table in feigned thought, "I'm not entirely sure either of us have a choice in the matter." Thorin made a questioning noise, causing me to look back up at him with a weak smirk. "I was brought here by magic, about a week ago, during my sleep. Have you ever been transported magically? No? I didn't think so. Let me tell you, dearie, it fucking hurts."

Perhaps the endearment was a bit too much, as it made Thorin's eyebrow rocket up and I very distinctly heard Dwalin choke on a laugh. Ah well. Doesn't mean I'll stop in the future. "If I can avoid doing that again, then by Gods I will do everything within my power to. I'm pretty sure had I vomited a few feet to the left Gandalf would have had to wash his cloak." Various dwarves exclaimed in disgust at the TMI, but it got my point across quite well. "If you want I'll sign a contract, but it isn't necessary. I have no need for anything within that mountain."

Something in his expression shifted, something I couldn't put a word to. It perplexed me, but Bilbo chose that moment to speak out. He'd been reading through the contract this entire time and had only just gotten to the point of funeral arrangements. "Incineration?!"

Bofur nodded and took his pipe from his mouth to explain. "Oh aye! He'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye!" Bilbo started hyperventilating again and bent over, taking deep breaths like I'd shown him. He waved off Balin's concerns only for Bofur to continue on. "Think furnace with wings!" Bilbo was shaking and backing away from us all, as if our stupidity was contagious. "Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You're nothing more than a pile of ash!"

Bilbo straightened up and I stood up to go to him when he chirped, "Nope!", and fainted.

I sighed and slapped Bofur upside the head. "You have absolutely zero tact, did you know that Master Dwarf?" I growled to him. He rubbed his head with a sheepish grin and I turned from him to look at the eldest Ri brother. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure I caught your name?" He introduced himself as Dori, son of Rona, with a raised eyebrow. "Did I see you earlier with a cup of tea? Do you think you could heat up a cup for when Bilbo wakes up?"

He nodded and stood with me, heading towards the kitchen while I went to Bilbo. "Fili and Kili, a little help?" They bounced up at the sound of their names and came by my side. "Fili, grab his arms. Kili, his legs. I'm gonna go set up his couch for him." They each nodded and stood at their respective spots while I went to the sitting room. A pillow went to the end and I unfolded a blanket to be laid over him. "Okay, it's ready!"

They brought him in and I directed them on how to lay him. "Put the pillow under his knees to prop them up. The blanket will go over him afterwards." The brothers exchanged glances before shrugging and did as I said. "Thank you. Now shoo! I'll sit with Bilbo until he wakes." Fili nodded and went away easily enough but Kili lingered, staring at me with narrowed eyes. "I'm not avoiding our talk. We can have it later."

He stared longer before sighing grumpily. "Fine. But I'm holding you to it!" I saluted to him and he huffed, going to follow his fair-haired brother. I settled down to wait, sighing. The night has only just started and I could tell it would be a long one.

Words on Google Docs: 8377

Pages on Google Docs: 16

I know Thorin's easy acceptance might seem a bit OOC but I promise you I have a reason! Aside from the otherused 'gasp this complete stranger I just met is the most beautiful person ever she must be my One' thing you see everywhere. It will be unveiled next chapter, which is already underway! So stay tuned for the next chapter (where I PROMISE we will finally get on the road!)

Also, the part of me throwing myself on top of Kili was based on a true story. I'd been tickling a boyfriend's little sister (now since ex-boyfriend) and she'd been kicking out and hit the wall. The shelf broke and things fell and I covered her as best I could in the split second I had.