Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Hamtaro. I own my OCs and I only borrowed the title from a movie. (Still haven't found something better...XD) I also don't own any commercial material mentioned/parodied/copied/etc. in this chapter.

Other self Alert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's Note: My brother finally got a fic up! Go check it out! He is Zackerdoo 11, but you can just go to my profile and click on my faves. Anyway, yeah. That's all I got to say. Sorry it took so long to update. We're now in the threshold of T to M and I think I'll change the rating when I post chapter four! Also, I'm having yet another case of Writers' Block for chapter three of TriDynasty, if any of you care. (I know I don't! XD) I dunno. Anyway, enjoy the randomly randomness of this chapter and turn tail if you're offended by swearing and/or references to...whatever! Just read! XD

Chapter Three

The long bus was extremely bumpy. Some tried to sleep, some vowed not to get car sick, and others watched the scene change outside every so often as they moved through states with wavy and slightly blurred vision. Cappy and Penelope got into a fight, but couldn't hit each other for the same reason Maxwell's eyes were going cross and his wrists became stiff. All of their paws were chained to the seats with bulky silver cuffs.

Maxwell had politely requested he be allowed to read and regretted it now, only slightly. He would rather have his paws hang to avoid these cramps, but he continued on with his favorite hobby in spite of the pain, his head only inches from the page as he painfully flipped it.

A small, breathed out noise distracted him. It was followed by another and another. He looked to his right, where Sandy sat by the window, a twisted expression on her face.

"Sandy, are you alright?"

She made the noise again, louder this time.

"Mm... hm..." she replied in a strained way.

"Really?"

She stifled her groans.

"Yeah... Mmm..."

"S-Sandy, why are you...?"

The bus began to drive over rougher terrain. The land was made of rocks, mainly, making the bus lurch and hop more. Sandy tried harder to settle down, but broke down instead.

"Ah ah ah ah... Ooh gosh, Maxy. Yes! Mmmmmmm...Yes, yes, yes!" The tiger-striped ham-girl moaned loudly, making Maxwell's eyes widen in confusion.

"What are you doing?"

"Mmm... More, more, more. I want more!" she practically screamed as the bus bumped harder, picking up speed.

"Um..."

"Whoa, sis! I had no idea! Way to go, Max! You dog..." Stan said, laughing.

He would've stood up and jokingly patted his friend on the back for the very same reason Maxwell would have scooted away from his sexually excited, to put it lightly, girl-ham. In addition to the pawcuffs, their feet were shackled to the floor. Indeed, this was a criminal transportation vehicle, and they were being escorted to prison, but they were good hamsters who had good intentions and didn't deserve to be treated as felons. Then again, these guards probably didn't want to take any chances...

It was around the peak of noon and the sun was at its highest point. The hazy sky and arid scenery only made the hot air feel more intense. The Ham-hams could feel it from inside the even hotter bus as it slowly moved on. Hamsters were dehydrating, guards were not the windows for them, all was bleak. In fact, they held hostage the only fan on the vehicle, gathering around the tiny thing selfishly. This only made the Hams more irritable.

"Welp, ah giss this's only a taste'a what we're gonna go through at the jail..." Howdy pointed out weakly.

"What do you mean?"

"Ah hear it's surrounded by dessert, so no one'll run away... 'less they wanna die."

"That's only a myth, Howdy," Maxwell reported dryly. Even the calmest of Hams had had enough. That's why many tried to fall asleep after the land they were traveling on had evened out. He looked over at Sandy, who was sleeping too, and sighed. 'Thank God!' He leaned back as far as he could in their seat when suddenly the bus flung to a halt.

A chorus of thumps and chains jangling filled the bus as the group was aroused. Groaning, Hamtaro sat up, looking over his seat at the guards.

"Are we there yet?" he asked with a dry tongue, almost pleadingly so. He was drowsy.

"Yessir," the driver mumbled out the answer and the guards undid the shackles and cuffs, forcing them out in a line.

-.-.-.

"Oh yeah, Max? This was 'just a myth'? What've we been walkin' on fer the past ten minutes?" Howdy asked in bitter victory as their feet were being burnt on the sand that felt like hot coals. Everyone continued walking on in their chained up line, connected.

"Well, I only thought prisons like this existed in books and movies," he defended.

"Maxy, like, not to sound rude or anything, but you so totally need to like, get your head out of your world of literature," Sandy said, giggling sweetly.

"...And in between her legs..." Stan sheepishly continued, getting kicked by Boss in the back of his leg. "Ow!"

"Stanley!" Sandy scolded, turning red.

"I got it covered, Sandy!" Boss yelled to her.

"Ow!"

"Thanks!"

"Ow!"

"Had enough?" Boss asked teasingly, giving him another swift kick to the thigh, laughing.

"Ow! Yes! Ow! It's not my fault my sis is- Ow! Ow! Ow! Would you knock it off?"

Boss laughed menacingly. "Not until you-"

"Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Apologize!" Sparkle screeched, cackling.

"Ow! I haven't heard from you all day and now you decide to talk?"

Sparkle stuck out her tongue. "I needed my beauty sleep!"

"You're gonna need a lot more of that, sweetie!" Stan gleefully yowled, still getting kicked.

"Criminaaals! Stop your bickeriiing aaand line up!" An unfamiliar female guard stepped out and to them from inside the prison. She had opened the gate and marched up to Stan and Boss, glaring them in the eye. "Now, what's the discrepancy here?" she asked Boss. Her flared-out white fur blew in the very warm wind.

"He was being a pervert."

"About what?"

"His sister, ma'am." The woman snapped her head in Stan's direction, looking at him sternly and in question.

"Well, she had it coming to her!" he defended himself.

"Riiight... And what about the other female you were harassing? Where is she?" Sparkle took a step forward. "Oh, honey! You really DO need to do something about that face!"

"Ugh! Excuse me? I'll have you know, my make-up artist barely has to do any work! I mean, with a pelt and such goddessesque looks like mine,- Hey! You're supposed to be listening! HEEEEEY!"

The guard was standing by Jingle with a perplexed expression on. He continued to play his guitar and began singing.

"Happy peanuts fly, over chocolate-covered mountaintops

And waterfalls of caramel...

Prancing nougat in the meadow, sings a sing of satisfaction

To the world..."

She gasped slightly, in admiration. Tiny hearts flickered in her eyes.

"The world...!" was her quietly breathed statement as she continued to swoon.

'Hmm...That song... It sounds vaguely familiar to meh...' Howdy thought slowly.

"Hey! I'm still talking here!" Sparkle shrieked in aggravation. As she continued to yell and carry on, Dexter turned to Howdy and Oxnard.

"How did Jingle get out of his cuffs?" he asked. Looking, the other two gasped, eyes widening.

"Gawsh..." Howdy remarked, shaking his head. Oxnard only shrugged.

"Um... Miss officer, ma'am-?"

"Please. Call me Jackie..." she said angelically.

"Hey, Jackie...?" Cappy asked.

"Except for the rest of you! It's Overlord Jacqueline Mimentre to you!" she quickly snapped, not even looking.

"Can we just call you guard-lady?"

Jackie glared at most of them, one by one, making them all sweat. After she'd made her rounds, she finally replied:

"Sure, I guess. But, I'd prefer The Beautiful Sergeant Mimentre, if you're going to shorten it." She beamed, making everyone else sweat drop.

"Now," Sparkle began, "as I was saying..."

"I have a question!" Cappy announced.

"HEY!" both yelled as Jackie swooped over to Jingle yet again.

"How-How did you...come up with such a lovely piece?" she asked, eyes twinkling.

"Your pocket." He pointed. The guard looked at her left uniform pocket, confused, then saw something sticking out from there. She quickly pulled it out, revealing her melting Snickers bar and hugged it to her chest "It inspired me," he finished.

"My... pocket?" she nearly squealed. 'My pocket inspired him! Splee!'

"Mmhm," he simply answered, strumming again. Jackie nearly passed out.

"Really?" His strumming clilmaxed.

"Mmhm..." The music became louder and he began to sing. "My..." Everyone leaned in, in suspense.

"Bologna has a first name,

It's O-S-C-A-R...

My bologna has a second name,

It's M-E-Y-E-R..."

"UGH!" They all fell down.

"Hey! He's only singing commercial jingles!" Stan said, angered. "I can really serenade you..."

"Ah knew the other one sounded familiar! Ah heard it on the boob tube!" Howdy agreed, chuckling at Jingle.

"I love to eat it every day..."

"Oh really? Well, tiger, to 'prove your love to me',..."

"And if you ask me why, I'd say..."

"Drop and give me twenty, or it's the stick for you!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Stan dropped to the ground obediently. "One, two, three..."

"That Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-"

"Shut the Hell up!" Boss roared.

"Don't you dare tell my man what to do!" The guard ran up to him and pounced.

"Eh?"

"He's not your man, you psychotic bitch! You've only known him for five minutes!" Boss grunted.

"And yet, I'm already in love...!" Was her angry, yet dreamily sighed out reply. "Psychotic bitch? Ooh, you're gonna get it, criminal!"

"Why do you guys keep calling us that? Ouch!"

"Because we can! Yowie!"

"Eh...?" Jingle asked once again, watching with everyone else the rolling cloud of sand that was once a quarrelling Boss and Jackie rolling away. He began to wander off, still strumming his guitar.

"Maybe Herbert found his way here..."

"Hey, criminal! Get back here!" the two escorting guards yelled at him. Jingle continued to be oblivious. They ran after and tackled him.

"Lord, 'elp uz..." Bijou murmured, making the Catholic cross gesture. 'Zo much choaz already...' She sweat dropped.

A whistle blew, getting everyone's attention.

"Sergeants!" All three guards stood at attention, saluting.

"Yesssss-sir!"

"What in God's name are you doing to those criminals?"

"Again with that shit..." Boss mumbled. Jackie began pulling out her nightstick.

"You're supposed to cart them off, not kill them off! Get these hamsters into their waiting cells and I mean now!"

"You mean, I get to take this dashing young criminal to his cell, too?" Jackie asked wrapping herself around one of Jingle's arms tightly, blushing.

"Eh...?"

"That's kinda the job we want you to do..." The higher ranked guard replied, sweat dropping.

Jackie hopped away from Jingle and leaped into the air.

"Oh yay!" she squeaked, hugging her candy bar closer to her chest. Her embrace on it was a bit too hard and the package exploded, spewing chocolate all over her uniform, "Oh shit!"

Cappy and Penelope giggled at this.

"Ookyoo! She sweared!"

"Well, that's pretty much what it looks like!" Cappy giggled harder.

Jackie, guards one and two, and the lieutenant snapped around in the children's direction. Jackie marched over to their sounds and screamed without looking,

"You think this is funny? Well you can ju-" Once her eyes opened, she saw that no one was there. Cappy cleared his throat, causing the guard to peer down, cocking an eyebrow. "Kids?"

"What're we gonna do with them?"

"There's a juvenile delinquent center just ten miles down. We can take 'em there, but I think they're a bit too young." The lieutenant walked over to Penelope and Cappy, crouching down. The small girl screamed. "Now, don't be scared, little girl." He tried to sound soothing. "Do either of you have any older siblings here?" Both nodded. "Any sisters?" Penelope pointed a shaky finger at Pashmina, still crying.

"Miss, you'll have to go with them," the first guard said, undoing her cuffs and pushing her along with the children.

"Alri-"

"Wait! If my precious goes, I must, too!" Dexter said, determined. Pashmina looked hopeful.

"No. They only need her. You're stayin' here, bud."

"Pleeeease! I need to-"

"Dexy, don't fight with them..." Pashmina said, defeated.

"But, my love, why give up so easily?" he asked with teary eyes.

"They've already made up their minds. I don't wanna be in jail even longer for fighting with them."

"Heh. The girl has sense," one of the guards muttered under his breath.

"I guess I'll see you in four years..." Pashmina whispered gently, kissing Dexter's cheek as she was being led away, crying as well.

That's when they lost their composures.

"Pashmiiiinaaaaa!"

"Dexteeeer!"

"I'll be counting the days until I see you again!"

She turned around, extending her paw. They reached for each other holpelessly. "So will I!"

"I love you!"

"I love you t-"

"Aw shaddup! With those screams, hamsters will be able to hear you nation-wide!"

Jingle started to play his guitar again. Groans came from all around.

"Nationwide is on your side..."

"Grr... Goddamit! Hey, I got one for ya, Jingle! How's this? ...The best part of wakin' up is I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!" Boss roared in annoyance.

Jingle still strummed and with his eyes closed, retorting mellowly,

"It's Folgers in your cup..."

"GRAGH! You just don't get it, do you?" Boss nearly jumped the spaced-out Ham.

"Enough, enough! Let's get you maggots outta this heat before you kill each other," the higher-up bellowed,

-.-.-.

Once inside, they were led down various empty halls, finally free of their pawcuffs and chains. A rumble came from deep inside the building, the cafeteria, they soon found out. Everyone was in there at the moment, but them and one lone in-mate. The first guard saw her immediately, nudging his partner.

"Hey! You!" the second guard barked. The in-mate jumped, startled,

"Y-yeah...?"

"What is your business out here, wandering the halls?"

"Yous gottit all wrong. I ain't doin' nuttin'," she replied in an accent that sounded like it came from The Bronx. (AN: Think Mafia...XD)

"Well, since you aren't busy, make yourself useful and take these new hamsters to their cells," he said, grinning.

The brunette rolled her equally brown eyes, sighing deeply.

"You don't have a problem with it, do you?"

"Nah. No problems. 't'd be my pleasure..." she snarled, mock smiling. "C'mon." After she'd waved them over and began walking off, she felt it safe to talk. "Yo, name's Candace. Them pests you've been with are Scrub one and two. Them Scrubs...Ya don't wanna mess with 'em unless they got weak minds. Fuck with 'em up there, and yous got no more problems outta them. Yous can tell when yous see one. If ya need help, come ask me." She winked.

"What about the other guards?" Panda asked meekly.

"Like I said, don't mess with 'em or they'll give yous a real bitch. Do somethin' real bad'n they might even whack ya." She thought for a second in silence. "Say, what ya here for?"

"Stealing..." Oxnard replied, sniffling.

'What a puss...' Candace sweat dropped. "They bagged yous for that? That bites. How long yous in for?"

"Roughly four years," Maxwell answered as she pulled the elastic out of her hair, whipping it from side to side a few times before pulling it back up.

"Ouch. I'm almost done. Got a little more than a year and a half left. Well, hey, good luck'n remember," She leaned closer to them and whispered as the guards waiting for them opened up a line of cell doors, "don't let the Dial slip when the water drips." With that, they were hurriedly shoved into their temporary cells to wait for the warden's instructions and Candace was escorted away to either her own or back to the cafeteria.

"Huh?" Hamtaro asked after everyone was gone and all was quiet.

"I think she meant something along the lines for not dropping our soap while in the shower," Maxwell replied, somewhat confused.

"What's wrong with dropping our soap there?" Oxnard pondered.

"You'll get ass-raped," Stan answered coolly.

All of the Hams besides him sweat dropped and fell to their sides and onto each other, eyes widened.

Sandy pulled out her pink gymnastics ribbon and flung it at her twin.

"Stanley!" WHAP!