It really was something else to feel so alone—isolated even—when surrounded by so many people at a time. I felt out of my depth, lost without a destination in mind and stranded without any means of going anywhere.
A bitter voice spoke softly in my mind, daring to wonder if this was why my mother had brought my brother and me into this world. Maybe our births were some misguided attempt to soothe her own loneliness in such an unfamiliar situation. It must have been so comforting to have physical proof that she was not the only human on Vulcan. At least, she must have thought, I have two children that are just as much as human as they are Vulcan. A compromise she had no choice but to accept.
I let myself wallow in this momentary bitterness, before being flooded with guilt at having doubted my own mother's intention. After all, she has been my only source of comfort these past few years without Spock.
That name alone brought waves of uncontrolled emotions, memories, and thoughts. I could only imagine my father and brother's horror at discovering the disarray my mind has fallen into. However, how could they know? After all, there is only one other person that is both human and Vulcan. Even then, he embraces Vulcan logic, whereas I embrace my Human heritage. Here at least, there is no bitterness, because they could not have predicted the damage the destruction of Vulcan could have wrought on my mind.
I soothed this untamed thought quickly. It was unfair to blame others form my own careless. Was this not an inevitable mistake of my own making? Had I not, all those years before, cut off the bond that would have saved me the... ailment...I now suffered? Even then, my error is reparable, and quite literally at grasping distance, but still, I hold myself back from my...cure.
There is no one to blame but myself.
…
Washing off the disinfectant soap I had generously lathered on my hands, I berated myself for having slipped up so easily. While the mistake was not telling enough to arouse suspicion, the look of confusion Doctor McCoy had shot at me did not sit well with me either. After all, what would anyone make of a nurse that turned around every time someone called out, 'Doctor'?
Meeting my own gaze in the mirror, I mentally repeated the name: Nurse Selena Gray. It was, technically, my name... or at least the name I was to be known by while working on the Enterprise.
I check myself once more in the mirror, to make sure everything was in place.
I look, for the most part, human, which I am eternally grateful for. By some miracle, I managed to dodge the Vulcan eyebrows in favor of a human pair. There would be no hope in hiding my Vulcan genetics if I had inherited those. While my skin is a bit pale, I could simply attribute this to too much time in space and not enough hours spent soaking in the rays of whatever sun we happen to be close to. There were, however, certain characteristics of my Vulcan heritage cannot be helped, but thankfully, could be concealed. My ears, for one, were carefully hidden beneath layers of hair that were styled purposely to conceal the pointed tips. The green Vulcan blood that raced through my veins is much harder to hide, but thankfully is only obvious when I am injured or blushing-to which I prefer the former. While injury is partly out of my hands, I do take care to avoid any bodily harm possible, if only to prevent from revealing my Vulcan heritage. The blushing is easily solved with a bit of makeup and concealer. For the most part, if I do tinge green, humans tend to attribute it to sickness rather than the color of my blood.
The part I now played however, would require the utmost carefulness since I could not assume that humans aboard this starship will be ignorant enough to make these typical assumptions. I have been on the Enterprise not even a day and already I have been extensively briefed on how to recognize the signs of 'an injured hobgoblin that has no sense of life preservation' and the need to drag said Vulcan to Sickbay. Needless to say, sighting green blood would be at the top of the list. From the sympathetic glances I had received during the lecture from other nurses and crew members already admitted to patient beds, it seemed as if everyone had been treated to this... informative monologue.
'BANG BANG BANG,' went a knock on the open doorway.
I jerked away my inspection in practiced human surprise. Despite being half-Vulcan, my brother and I inherited complete Vulcan reflexes and senses, which came with a faster reaction time and a sharper sense perception.
I was no longer the only person being reflected in the mirror.
Turning around swiftly, I managed to put on a chagrined smile, as I faced Doctor McCoy. It has only been my first day working under him and already, I was familiar with the general stormy disposition he seemed to carry around him. He seemed to always be stuck between irritation and frustration, ready to unleash them all upon an unexpecting patient or nurse.
At my smile, he only narrowed his eyes, in what can either be interpreted as confusion or anger. The later made more sense, as a quick glance at the clock told me that I had been here for 5 minutes, just staring at my reflection.
"The Sickbay isn't any place for vanity, Nurse Gray," McCoy grumbled at me disapprovingly, "Nor is it any place for deaf Nurses." At my apparent confusion, he rolled his eyes, "I've been calling for your name for the past 3 minutes now."
That probably explained why I didn't react. I wasn't accustomed to being called "Nurse" instead of "Doctor," just as I had yet to train myself to react to the name, "Gray" instead of "Grayson." It didn't help either that I was not used to being talked down to like this.
Straightening up hotly I leapt to my own defense. "Doctor McCoy, I am neither vain, nor de-".
He cut me off, "Are you gonna try to argue with me that staring at yourself in the mirror for that long isn't being vain?"
It would be vain if I had been checking up on my hair and makeup for any other reason than making sure that my ears were hidden and my makeup, hiding any green tinge. But of course, I could not reply with that.
At my silence, he too straightened up, smug. "Get back to work. Ensign Rolin needs to be checked for burns." At the sound of the Sickbay doors sliding opening, McCoy turned away, but not before adding, "Injured men don't care about how nurses look."
Who is he to judge, I thought angrily, bristling at his dismissal and presumed victory. His comment only worked to bait my swift temper and even swifter tongue. Both of which I had inherited from my mother; both of which, my father—and brother—despaired.
"Perhaps if you cared a little more about how you looked, injured crew members wouldn't be so weary of being treated by doctors that look ready to fall over from exhaustion." Just as quickly as my temper rose, it also faded, leaving me regretful at my blatant insult and act of insubordination.
The entire Sickbay seemed to fall quiet at my words. Even Ensign Rolin, who I could already tell he 3rd degree burns, stopped exhaling pained whimpers, to stare. A feat which considerable effort and bravery, considering the pain I was sure he was him. Nurse Chapel, who seemed the most immune to McCoy's intimidation and antics, turned to watch with wide eyes, but kept silent. No one wanted to draw McCoy's attention right now, lest they also unleash his anger upon themselves.
It wasn't necessary however, as McCoy spun around to face me, sputtering and red in the face.
Despite the imminent fear of being fired only on my official first day of work and being marooned on the next planet the Enterprise passed, I met his glare steadily and impassively. Raising one eyebrow, questioningly, as if wondering why he was angry and shocked at my words.
At this, his eyes narrowed, in an undecipherable expression.
I was immediately set on edge. His anger, I could handle. But this, I didn't know what to make of it. Before I could think further on it, a resounding laugh echoed throughout the Sickbay, breaking our staring contest and my train of thought.
The tension in the air seemed to dissipate and the patients and the nurses seemed to sigh in relief as they turned gratefully to the source of laughter. McCoy's eyes lingered on me a moment more, still unreadable, before flickering to the new arrival and narrowing in what was visible aggravation.
I crept out of the restroom and into the main room of Sickbay, only now catching sight a clearly amused and smiling man that had been hidden from my line of sight by McCoy's figure.
The amazing variation in the eye color of humans never ceased to amaze me, as I took in the unique, blue pigmentation of his eyes. They were emphasized even further by the gold of his Starfleet Uniform. It was the famous Captain Kirk.
I felt the sudden, human urge to hide in the restroom and bang my head on the door in mortification of having been caught in my act of insubordination. Blood rushed to my face in embarrassment and I at least had enough presence of mind to dip my head down, so as to allow my hair to swing forward, hiding any green blushing that was not hidden by my makeup.
"Laugh it up Jim, just wait until your next physical examination. Then we'll see who's laughing when I get to hypo you..." McCoy grumbled as he stalked towards the man.
"Oh come on Bones!" the man exclaimed, once he managed to subdue his laughter, "She has a point.
He turned those blindingly blue eyes on me, as he questioned, "Nurse...?"
"Nurse Selena Gray-". I cut myself off abruptly, hoping that my sudden pause was not obvious. It was habit to say, 'Selena Grayson,' rather than 'Selena Gray,' which was the name I had recorded on my Starfleet Personnel File.
Captain Kirk eyes lighted once more, "Nurse Gray...Doctor Gray." He paused dramatically after saying these words, and I suddenly became personally acquainted with the human expression: my heart stopped. I held my breath, even as I felt my impassive mask begin to crumble under the weight of his gaze.
He laughed suddenly and continued on saying, "Come on, Grey's Anatomy anyone? Doctor Grey? The 21st century television show?"
My heart slowly restarted. His words were only in reference to an old Terran show. I carefully, arranged my expression into one of confusion. A quick glance around the room told that my unfamiliarity with the show was not shocking and did not seem unusual. Until the Captain had explained the reference, McCoy had seemed ready to grab his tri-recorder to scan for any brain injury Kirk might have sustained on the latest mission, which apparently had been eventful, if the number of crew members in medical were any indicator. It had happen just prior to my arrival.
Captain Kirk shrugged at our apparent confusion, "Well I'm gonna call you Doctor Grey anyway, even if you are a Nurse." He chuckled, "Unless you're hiding a MD on you somewhere?"
I shook my head quickly, eager to dispel this train of thought. Calling me a Doctor was just part of a nickname, nothing more, I mentally whispered to reassure myself. My eyes darted quickly to McCoy, who stared at me with the same unreadable expression as before. It frustrated me, as I was typically well versed at reading human expressions.
The Captain turned back to Doctor McCoy, "We're calling her Doctor Grey from now on, you got that Bones? Captain's orders."
McCoy scoffed in disbelief and exasperation, unconsciously running a hand through his disheveled hair and felt the stubble that had grown on his face. His blue uniform shirt was tellingly winkled from too many hours spent sitting at his desk, pouring over files, or standing at patient's bedside to heal, what he called, "careless injuries."
Captain Kirk's smile widened and he turned to catch my gaze before blinking only one of his eyes at me, in what humans call a "wink." My experience, as to how to respond to this gesture is limited, so I simply met his stare steadily.
His eyes sparkled with the remnants of laughter and perhaps, a tinge of respect for the brutally honest words I had spoken to McCoy earlier. I remained impassive despite this discomfort and confusion I felt as he seemed to stare at me with approval. Any negative emotions I had felt towards Doctor McCoy paled in comparison to the gratefulness I felt as he recaptured the Captain's attention.
"Did you come down here for any reason other than to annoy me and make Nurse Gray a Doctor?" McCoy questioned roughly.
My shock at the blatant insubordination was overruled by my disbelief at Captain Kirk's flippancy with the Doctor words. He did not seem insulted, but rather, his smile widened in what I could only believe was fondness. At this, I tilted my head in mild confusion. Captains were generally encouraged to maintain a professional working relationship. Not only did Captain Kirk seem to disregard professionalism, but he exuded an air of friendliness, even familiarity in his actions towards the doctor. I made note of this and resolved to study the two men's interaction more carefully, at a later time.
"I did, actually, come down here, on official business," Captain Kirk replied in feigned professionalism, which he ruined by saying, "It was just lucky timing that I got to see Dr. Gray tell you off."
Ignoring Doctor McCoy's sputtering, the Captain continued on, asking him the red faced Doctor, "Pike is getting on me about having my chain of command in order, so have you chosen your Head Nurse yet?"
This question had everyone, but the two conversing men, sending questioning glances at Nurse Chapel, who has formerly filled this post for the Enterprise it seemed, until now. At the silent inquiry, she shrugged and simply replied, "I'm not cut out for the bureaucratic nonsense that comes with the post."
McCoy grunted in agreement to her comment and replied to Captain Kirk, "Yeah, I've chose, but you ruined her title as Head Nurse by renaming her, a Doctor."
With that, Doctor McCoy spun on his heel and walked towards the doors leading out of Sickbay.
If I had been fully human, my mouth would have dropped open in surprise, to mirror the dazed and disbelieving expressions of the other occupants in the room. Even Captain Kirk seemed to be unable to process the Doctor's words as the gaped after the retreating back.
It seemed, I thought dazedly, all Senior Officers seemed to value blunt truth and insubordination.
Doctor McCoy called over his shoulder, "Gray, you're in charge. I decided that I will take your advice on vanity and taking off for the rest of the shift."
Standing just outside the doors of Sickbay, he turned around with a smug smirk that made me feel like I had lost, despite having earned a promotion on only my first day, "I hope you enjoy dealing with 'bureaucratic nonsense' on top of dealing with patients."
The doors slid close, but not before I caught sight of shockingly vibrant light brown eyes that seemed to dance with amusement. They were shockingly beautiful.