Chris Colfer is a Professional: Chapter Three

"We got her! She's coming!"

Chris was asleep and someone was shouting, jumping, making way too much noise for 7 am.

"Chris, Chris! We did it! You did it! We got her! We got her!"

Chris rolled over and covered his ears with his hands out of habit. But the voice kept shouting and then he was being shaken vigorously by the shoulders. He swatted angrily at the pair of hands, wanting only to sleep for a little bit longer.

"Chris! Chris, come on wake up! Julie Andrews is going to be on Glee!"

Chris's eyes shot open and he sat up quickly, instantly awake and attentive.

He gaped at an exuberant Darren Criss, who was currently sitting at the foot of Chris's bed, looking very much like a puppy or a kid at Christmas. Chris opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He tried again, managing to splutter, "We… We did what? It… I… Are you shitting me, Darren?"

Darren smiled radiantly and then was on his feet, standing on the bed, jumping gleefully. "We did it! We did it! We did it!" he yelled between jumps. He flopped down on the bed and crawled up to where Chris was sitting, still in shock. Darren wrapped both of his arms around Chris's waist and snuggled against Chris's shoulder.

"She'll be here tomorrow," Darren whispered into Chris's ear. And then Darren was up off of the bed again, jumping with joy and waltzing over to the fridge. "Do you have apple juice?" he called out. "I brought omelets and oatmeal and cereal and coffee and orange juice, but I'm out of apple juice."

If Chris hadn't still been half-asleep, he would have laughed. Darren moved way too fast in the mornings. Chris pulled the covers off and put his feet on the ground, blinking a couple of times. "Are you being serious, Darren?"

Chris could hear Darren scampering back to the bedroom door. Darren's head peaked around the corner of the door, a dopey grin plastered on his face. "Yeah, sorry about that, man. I can't believe we're both out of apple juice."

Chris laughed and rolled his eyes. How is he even real? He finally stood up, saying, "No, I meant about Julie Andrews! Is she really coming?"

Darren's eyes brightened and bound into Chris's room, jumping again. "Yes! She'll be here tomorrow morning!"

Chris beamed and jumped a little, more awake than he had ever been this early in the morning. "Are you serious? Oh my god! Darren! YES YES YES!" He grabbed Darren's hands and they jumped up and down together, spinning around in circles as the pranced into the kitchen for breakfast. Chris laughed aloud, always amused at how childish Darren made him act.

"So yeah," Darren added as Chris sat down at the table. "That's why I brought us so much breakfast. I always try to eat extra if I anticipate that I'll be more hyperactive than normal. And you know how fanboyish I can get—"

Chris laughed. "Oh God, I'm just remembering Gwyneth."

Darren grinned at Chris and passed him a plate loaded with breakfast foods. "I might have been a small fan of hers."

Chris chortled. "A small fan? Only because you're a midget. Everything else about your obsession for Gwyneth is huge. The security guard yelled at you! And you're a cast member!"

Darren laughed at the memory. The first time Gwyneth came on the show Darren nearly peed himself with excitement. But he didn't have the guts to actually go talk to her, so he stalked her around corners, skipping in the hallways whenever he caught sight of her. A security guard saw him peering around corners so often that he thought Darren was some insane reporter or crazed fan. With Chris's urging, Darren eventually worked up the courage to talk to Gwyneth, and by the end of their conversation, Chris was sure Gwyneth had fallen in love with Darren, as everyone who talks with Darren for any length of time inevitably does.

"Hey but she loved me in the end," Darren said with another laugh. "And I'm not a midget. I'm—what? Like an inch shorter than you?"

Chris snorted. "Try three."

Darren smiled widely and winked. "But you love it."

Chris laughed and smiled back at Darren. After their conversation the other night, nothing had been awkward at all. They had instantly picked back up right at being best friends again, teasing each other playfully and cracking jokes left and right. Chris loved Darren and he loved that he could trust Darren and he loved that he knew that Darren loved him. His smile widened at the thought and he added quickly, "I always knew Kurt would fall for a shorter guy."

Darren shrugged, smiling, and then clapped his hands together. "So Julie Andrews! What are we going to do?"

Chris swallowed a bite of omelet and then said, "I presume she's my grandma?"

"Yeah and I am so jealous of Kurt's family. Seriously, first of all he's played by the one and only, utterly amazing, fucking sexy Chris Colfer." Chris snorted but Darren ignored him. "Mike O'Malley, king of all amazing things, as a dad. Anne Hathaway, sex goddess, as his lesbian aunt. And now Julie Andrews. My fanboy and inner Blaine are cringing with jealousy, Chris."

Chris laughed and took a sip of orange juice. "So how about this for a plan: I film my inevitably well-scripted scenes with Julie Andrews while you look on, completely jealous of the fact that I get to act with Julie freaking Andrews."

Darren glared at Chris, pretending to be angry. "If I weren't paid to act with you, Chris, if I weren't paid to act with you…"

Chris laughed again, munching down some more omelet. "If you weren't paid to act with me then I would probably starve. I don't even remember how I got by before you got here… I think I only ate like once a day and had take-out all the time or something."

Darren gawked at him and sat down at the table across from Chris, staring at his own uneaten plate of breakfast. "No wonder you're so thin." The thought of only one meal a day seemed to remind Darren that he was hungry, and he began shoveling food into his mouth wolfishly.

Chris just shook his head at him, laughing to himself. "It's a wonder I don't way 500 pounds with the food you feed me. Unlike you, I don't have the metabolism or energy of a hummingbird. Two years ago, I could fit into Kurt's pants without working out too much. But then you had to show up and start feeding me home-made casseroles and twice-baked potatoes…"

"You should thank me!" exclaimed Darren. "You're completely jacked now! Flex!"

"What?" spluttered Chris, choking on some egg.

"Come on, Chris, flex," Darren urged.

"No way."

"Please," begged Darren, standing up and walking towards Chris's side. "Pretty please with sugar on top."

Chris rolled his eyes, still laughing a little. "I'm not flexing for you, Darren. And I've got nothing compared to you. I remember the Out photoshoot."

Darren scoffed. "Oh, you know that was all air-brushed. Now come on, please flex. Just once, then I promise I'll shut up and leave you alone to eat my immaculate eggs."

"I feel like I should be able to make a dirty joke from that," muttered Chris. "But no. You will have to get your cheap thrill from some other source."

Darren sauntered behind Chris's chair to stand right behind Chris. He wrapped one arm under Chris's left arm and the other around his right shoulder, hugging Chris's chest tightly. "Please, Chris," Darren cooed into Chris's ear. "Please show me your muscles."

Chris laughed, exasperated, and moved Darren's arms away from him. He stood up and rolled up his right sleeve, shaking his head deliberately. "Take this as a thank you for the wonderful breakfast." He lifted his right arm and flexed, showing off his bicep.

Darren grinned and wrapped his hands around Chris's arm. "Ohh, hot damn, baby you are so hot!" he said brazenly.

Chris just winked, laughed, and sat back down. "Darren Criss, ever the straight man."

Darren winked back and sat down again too. "Your ass and your arms, Chris. I'm telling you, they could turn me."

Chris laughed, and it wasn't strained. It wasn't envious or wishful, because that's just how Darren was. It was natural to joke around with Darren like this, and Chris was happy.

He glanced at the clock. "Oh shit, I better shower," he said, shoving food into his mouth. "Wut dime thoo we've tuh bean sit?"

Darren barked out a laugh and chugged his orange juice. "Come again?"

Chris swallowed. "What time do we have to be on set?"

Darren shrugged. "Do I ever know?"

Chris laughed and then stood up. "Don't let them start without me."

Darren grinned and then joked, "Don't worry, if they need someone to film Kurt scenes before you're there, I'll gladly volunteer my ass to get stuck in those tight jeans. If I'm lucky I'll get a form-fitting sweater, too!"

"Yeah, you try to fit that fat ass into my jeans," Chris chortled. He finished off his omelet and stood up to clear his plate. "You gonna stay here?"

"Yeah, I'll just wait for you to finish."

"Alright," said Chris. "Don't make too big of a mess," he added jokingly. He walked towards the bathroom, taking his shirt off as he walked.

Darren cat-called, earning a laugh from Chris. "Call me if you need anything. Shampoo, deodorant, shower-singing duet partner, hand job…"

Chris threw him a look but smiled. "You're ridiculous. Emphasis on the dick." Darren laughed as Chris disappeared into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Fifteen minutes later Chris emerged from the shower, sopping wet, only to realize that he had forgotten a towel. Shit. And they're all in the washing machine now too. Ahh shit. He hopped around the bathroom tentatively for a few seconds, trying to come up with a plan.

He opened the door a crack, hiding behind the door as steam wafted out into the rest of his apartment. "Hey, uh Darren? You still here?"

"Yep! I'm here!" responded Darren, musically.

"Awesome." Not. "So I forgot a towel, and I think all of mine are in the wash. Uhh…" Chris broke off, unsure of what to do.

"Oh, no problem! Just walk out here naked! I love a show!"

"Darren!"

Darren laughed and walked towards the bathroom, holding a brightly-colored towel. "This was in my bag. It's clean, I promise. Or at least I think it's clean." He smelled the towel. "Yep! It's good." He walked to the bathroom door and put the towel in Chris's outstretched hand.

"Thanks," said Chris, taking the towel and closing the bathroom door. He held the towel up to look at it. There were brightly colored circles on the background of the towel, and in the center of the towel stood a laughing Minnie Mouse, fully decked out in a pink polka-dotted dress and matching bow. "Darren" was scrawled in pink cursive letters below Minnie's feet. Chris shook his head, already used to the constant reminders of how eccentric Darren was. He dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist before walking back out of the bathroom.

"Minnie Mouse," he stated when he spotted Darren. "A personalized Minnie Mouse beach towel. Nothing you do surprises me anymore, Darren.

Darren laughed. "Yeah, I don't even know why I have that thing. I think I got it as some graduation present. People are always giving me Disney stuff when I graduate." Chris barely suppressed a laugh at that. "So yeah, I just put this in my bag some amount of time ago… I think it was a few days ago. I think I was anticipating that you would forget a towel and would need one after showering. So you can thank my good foresight."

"You're ridiculous," Chris reiterated, walking over to his dresser to look for a shirt. "You get to see me half-naked and I reap the benefits of your good planning. I think it's a fair trade."

Darren pretended to check Chris out and whistled lowly. "I'd say it's more than a fair trade."

"But I won't flex," added Chris. "Minnie's not worth that."

"Damn," cursed Darren, and he walked into the kitchen to let Chris change.

Author's Note:

Hello, long-lost readers! I am so terribly sorry for such the long wait! School decided to be a jerk and give me no time, but I promise I haven't forgotten this story! In fact, I've planned out a bunch of chapters (including the last or penultimate chapter... it's definitely my favorite... I like it so much that I've considered writing it as a one shot from Darren's POV and then again from Chris's POV for this story... BUT WE'LL SEE). I just haven't really had the time to write :/ BUT. Spring break is next week for me. SO. Expect any update on at least one of my stories at least every other day starting this Friday? That is the hope at least.

That said. Thank you soooo much to everyone who read and/or reviewed this! All of the reviews were so kind and they mean so much to me! So thank you thank you thank you! I really can't thank you enough.

I've had a couple of questions/ comments about Darren's sexuality in this story, so I'll go ahead and address it. I intend to write Darren as straight, but with hints of Colfersexuality. I don't want to give away anything else at the moment, so yeah...

Well, that's about all I have to say. I hope you liked this chapter! I'm not super fond of it. I needed something fluffy to put after the last chapter, and I just decided to post this because it's been way too long since chapter two (sorry about that!). Also, this chapter isn't really done... I haven't written the second half yet, but expect it up sometime Friday!

Thank you again to all of my readers + reviewers! You make my life a much happier thing.