Sick

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed thus far; the next few chapters of this story will be set in the past. And, based on what we know so far...I worry about that past, don't you?

Chapter Five:

Severus was dreaming, head resting against the pillow behind him, eyes closed and face slackened by sleep. He had been peacefully ensconced in sleep's embrace for a couple of hours now, and Poppy was pleased to see that he was recovering and healing. Minerva was still sat in the chair next to his bed, as she had been when he had drifted off after eating some soup and talking quietly with her about something related to potions. He had simply fallen asleep halfway through a sentence, and Poppy had pointed out that his body was exhausted.

Minerva looked across at the matron, "I still cannot believe that, two days ago, he was attempting to kill himself. He seems so…calm now."

"It is perfectly normal, for a person to be like this after trying to commit suicide. I can imagine Severus had worked himself up into quite a state, Minerva, and now he is not in that state. Nevertheless, it does not make the situation any less serious. In fact, it may make it more so, because he will not tell us what the problem was."

"I want to know what prompted such a thing, Poppy. Why would he want to take his own life?" Minerva seemed genuinely frightened by this, "How he could be so unhappy that he doesn't want to live any more? How is that even possible, here?"

Poppy sat in the chair next to Minerva and took her hand, "Minerva. These things happen because of a final catalyst. Severus did not just…argue with one of us, and then decide to lock himself in his quarters and take a knife to himself. This has been building up for quite some time, probably since he returned to us and You-Know-Who fell—and it could have been the smallest thing that upset him. It might not even be something we know about." She squeezed Minerva's hand gently, "Whatever it is, we cannot be allowed to feel guilty. That will not help Severus. He needs our support now, we need to find out what has hurt him in the past and help him to find a way through it."

Minerva nodded her acceptance of Poppy's words, happy to have the experienced yet sympathetic medi-witch at Hogwarts. "Do you think…" She swallowed, because it was hard for her to voice her worst fear. "Do you think he will try again?"

Poppy hesitated before replying. "I do not know the answer to that. But we will be able to help." They both turned their heads when Severus moaned and turned over onto his side.

"He reminds me of a child." Minerva murmured. "Do you not think he looks young?"

"He is only twenty four. Compared with us…he is young." Poppy smiled slightly. "You should stay with him. When he wakes, talk to him. He seems to be more willing to speak to you. See if you can convince him to open up to you." She stood. Minerva continued to watch Severus, and her expression was almost haunted.

Poppy reached out and took Minerva's hand once more—but this time, she interlinked the lined fingers with Severus'. "So he knows that you are there." She pulled the curtains back around them and left them together.

Minerva took to running her thumb over Severus' knuckles, surprised at how cold his fingers were. He clenched his fingers, tightening the grip on hers, turning to face her, still fast asleep. She leant forward, brushed his inky hair back from his face. "We'll make you better, Severus. We'll protect you."

Minerva stirred when the scent of coffee penetrated her nostrils and sped along her nerves to her brain. Her eyes opened slowly and she was instantly aware of stiffness in her back and knees. Where was she? When she realised that she was sitting up, she remembered—the Hospital Wing. She opened her eyes fully and looked at the bed in front of her…it was empty. "Severus…" She turned and Severus was there beside her, a cup in his hand. "Coffee, laced with a little relieving potion. You should not have sat next to me all night."

She took the cup from him, "Does Poppy know you are up? She said you needed to stay in bed…"

"She also said that if I behaved myself yesterday, I could go back to classes today. When did I fall asleep yesterday?" Severus seated himself on the edge of the bed, undoing the bandage that was on his wrist and pulling it away, inspecting what was now a thin cut, already half healed.

"Must have been mid-afternoon? It was not quite dark." Minerva answered, sipping the coffee and enjoying the feeling of warmth as the brown liquid swept straight to her stomach. She yawned slightly and looked at him, "How do you feel?"

"I have not slept so well in…" Severus seemed lost for words. "I am feeling better, thank you, Minerva." He paused, "Why did you stay?"

"I thought that you may like my support, Severus, dear."

"You were holding my hand."

"I was."

There was awkward silence for a moment.

"Severus…forgive me, but I have to ask…why did you do this to yourself?" Minerva said, indicating Severus' wrist. "I have tormented myself, not knowing why you would do such a thing…please, will you tell me?"

Severus shrugged, "I don't know why. And I really don't want to talk about it, Minerva."

"But we need to talk about it, Severus, dear. It's important." Minerva put her cup down and leaned forward, "There must have been a reason?"

"No. I just felt like it." Severus answered abruptly. "How is your coffee?"

"Wonderful. Severus; you and I have developed a strong friendship these past few weeks, I thought that you would have been able to come to me about this?" Minerva tilted her head to one side, "Or why not Albus? He is rather concerned…it is agony for him, knowing that one of his students attempted such a thing."

Severus looked at her for a long moment. His expression was almost pitying. "You do not know what Albus Dumbledore is capable of, Minerva, when angered."

Minerva frowned, "What do you mean, 'what he is capable of'? Albus would never hurt anyone—it is not in his nature."

"Then it is better that you keep believing that. Am I allowed to go back to my office?" Severus stood and wandered toward the edge of the curtain, peering out into the deserted Hospital Wing.

"Are you suggesting to me, Severus, that Albus is responsible for you attempting to kill yourself?"

Severus glanced at her. "Partly." He folded his arms across his chest, "You just need to ask him one thing, Minerva. You need to ask him why I became a Death-Eater. Perhaps the best person to ask about what happened is not me - it is everyone else in my sorry life."

These revelations seemed to have sent Minerva reeling. She struggled to find anything else to say. Severus continued to watch her. "You need not worry about me, Minerva, for you have your students to worry about. I am fine." He pointed to her coffee, "You need to drink that. It will help with your stiffness, that is why I put the potion in. I am going to find Poppy."

"No matter, I am here." Poppy pulled back the curtain, nearly making Severus jump. "I see that you are on your feet, and I suppose desperate to get back to your classes." Poppy looked him over. "I suppose it will do you no harm—as long as you come to me this evening for another check-up."

Severus half smiled, "Thank you, Poppy. I shall speak to you later Minerva." And with that, Severus Snape swept out of the Hospital Wing.

Poppy watched after him. "I really do not think that is a good idea, but I cannot keep him in here against his will. You would not think that he tried to commit suicide—and that is what is worrying me…" She trailed off when she heard a soft, stifled sob from behind her. "Minerva?"

Minerva was sat rigid in the chair, trying very hard to fight the tears that had welled in her eyes. Poppy crossed to her, "What is it?"

Minerva looked at her, suddenly unable to speak.

"Minerva. What did he say?"

"…He said…Albus was partly responsible…" Minerva murmured, as if saying the words was some sort of terrible sin. Poppy stared at her, disbelieving. "How can that be?"

"Why would he say such a thing?" Minerva whispered. "How could Albus…" She shook her head, and the tears she had been holding slipped from her eyes, "Please…don't let Albus be responsible for this…"

Poppy put her arms around Minerva, suddenly frightened too. Had they been looking in the wrong place? She had been so sure that it had been Severus' family—but—what if it had been…the thought was just too horrible. She simply tightened her arms around her friend and hoped that this was all just Severus' slightly confused imagination.

Severus had stayed out of the way for the past two days—although he had been inundated with visitors, ranging from Minerva (although it was just a passing glance) to Filius to Quirinus…anyone who could be persuaded to drop by his office. The company was beginning to infuriate him. He understood the reasoning behind it, of course, but he wished he could have some time to himself. He had appeared at every meal time, and most of the teachers had been sympathetic and quiet — Minerva had hardly looked at him. He had wished he had never said anything, not because he did not trust her, but because he realised afterward what a position he had placed her in. Albus Dumbledore was one of her closest friends, and he had suggested that Albus was the one who had pushed him into Voldemort's embrace.

Well, that much was true. It was why he could not look Dumbledore in the eye, even now. But the Headmaster had done a good job of tidying and restoring his office to its former glory, and Severus supposed he ought to be slightly grateful for that.

He slammed the door to said office, replaced the wards, and started on his way up to the Great Hall. He had to stop this—these thoughts would undo him. He had been so in control, he had been able to function normally, and then…

He walked into the Entrance Hall, cloak billowing out behind him, glaring at some first year students who happened to cross his path. Everything was fine. He was in complete control of himself and his emotions. The past was the past. It could not harm him now.

"Severus! Here, there is someone I want you to talk to." He turned when he heard the Headmaster's voice. He tried to smile genially at Dumbledore, but seeing the figure stood next to him made everything in his body run cold. For a frightening moment, his heart stopped in his chest.

"Lucius was telling me about his son, Draco." As far as he was aware, Albus Dumbledore had never particularly liked Lucius Malfoy, so why this attempt at friendliness? Severus came slightly closer, his eyes never leaving Lucius' face. Lucius' grey eyes were fixed on his too. "He was considering whether Draco should attend Hogwarts when he is of age." Albus seemed blissfully unaware of the battle of wills that was taking place between the black and silver gazes. Finally Lucius looked away.

Do you feel it, Malfoy? The cruel stab of guilt? I warned you, did I not, that one day your conscience would haunt you—and you would suffer for what you did to me…

"Good evening, Lucius." Severus said, pleasantly enough.

Lucius stepped forward, "Severus. It has been a long time." He held out a hand. Severus looked at the black gloved fingers. It took him a moment before he raised his own hand to shake Malfoy's. Malfoy examined his eyes once more. "You look well."

"As do you." Severus replied. He dropped his hand almost immediately. "Forgive my rudeness, but unfortunately I do not have time to stop. I have a lesson to plan. Headmaster. Lucius." He nodded to both of the men in turn, whirled on his heel, and headed back toward the dungeons.

"Severus." Lucius called after him. "It is good to see you."

"Indeed." Severus replied, before disappearing down the staircase.

He only felt safe once more when he was leaning against his door in his office. He sank his teeth into his lip and counted to ten in his head, feeing every part of his body shake uncontrollably. He swallowed the lump in his throat and walked across the room, trying to pretend he was calm. He picked up the bag from under his bed and started to shove some books and some robes into the leather folds. He would not stay here. This was all beginning to be too much for him.

He shouldered the bag and walked back to the door.

He would not stay here.

When Professor Snape did not turn up to dinner time, Albus couldn't help the concern that flared in his chest—but he quelled it, wondering if the boy had just gone to sleep and forgotten about dinner. When he didn't answer the door, he became more anxious, but decided that Severus was still in bed, or perhaps brewing.

But when he did not turn up to his first lesson of the next day, Albus couldn't ignore it. He opened the door and expected to see Severus as he had been nearly a week before.

But this was much worse, because the office was empty.

And Severus was gone.