A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a bag of Boston Baked Beans and a can of Cream Soda that I fully intend to consume at some point in the next hour.
Thanks to my superbeta MaggieMay14. She is always so encouraging, rationalizing things for me. I love that about her.
Thanks to Twilight44 & Unchanged Affections for prereading this. I seriously don't know what I'd do without those girls. They make me giddy and they make my stories better. Twilight44 is FINALLY obsessed with Hydraulic Level 5, and Unchanged Affections has been busy pitching a new story idea to me. I kinda love that.
And thanks to my girlies - MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, and coldplaywhore. I love them. I miss them. More than they could possibly know…
This chapter was tough for me to get out, so please excuse my lateness with it. It's a little emo and sad, so some of you easy criers might want to grab a tissue or two. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)
~oOo~
WIRMTS Chapter 7 - She Concedes
Edward didn't come back. I sat alone for two days, not one visitor gracing my quiet room. At first, I wondered if it was just because I'd been moved, if maybe no one knew where I was, but reality slowly sunk in. I had pushed them all away. It was what I wanted—what I'd tried to do—but part of me had hoped they wouldn't be so quick to give up on me.
I couldn't really blame them. I hadn't been a friend to any of them, not really. All I'd done for the last few years was take from the people that loved me, never offering anything in return. I sat reflecting on what I'd become, and it made me sad.
My nurses kept me company, trying to engage me in conversation. The new girl, Alysia, was sweet, and even though I knew we were about the same age, she seemed so much younger and full of life. She continually asked about Jasper—if he was single, if he was really going to marry Alice, if he had a brother—and it made me laugh. It was the only source of laughter I had. Erin worked one night with me, but I could tell that she was keeping her opinions to herself. I wondered if she had seen Emmett, but I didn't dare ask. I knew Emmett was only flirting with her as a way to get to me, to make me jealous, and it had started to work. Too bad for him, I wanted him to be happy, and I knew that could never happen with me.
Edward's father checked in on me a few times each day, and while he was always kind and caring, he never tried to carry on a conversation or say anything personal. That made me a little sad, but I knew it was for the best. The more distance between me and everyone from my past, the better. I was hoping to be released from the hospital in the next couple of days, and I was already planning what I'd do first. I needed to get a hold of Eric and see how much stuff I could get from him. I had a few different medications hidden in my apartment. I figured if I was able to combine them and take as much as I could, I should be able to pull off what I wanted. I didn't want to be alive and I didn't want to hurt anymore. I just wanted everything to be over.
When Dr. Cullen came by late in the evening on the second day, he told me it was Wednesday and that Edward was scheduled to leave for New York the next day. My stomach clenched at the thought, but I knew he would be happier once he was away from me and getting back to his life. I wanted to ask him when I could go home, or if I could go home at all. I was worried that I would be carted off to the county jail before I could carry out my plans. I didn't want that, but I knew enough about the jail and prison system to know that I could still get substances while behind bars. It would just take me a little longer to build up a big enough stash to take care of things, but I'd wait it out if I had to.
I stretched out in my bed, looking through the open blinds that hung in the window at the side of the room. It was dark outside and I had dimmed the lights in my room so that I could take advantage of my seventh floor view of the city, its lights twinkling in the distance. My mind wandered, curious about the people that were working late into the night in the buildings I could see. I saw a few airplanes fly by and wondered where the people inside were going, and who would be waiting for them once they arrived. My heart hurt as I realized that Edward would be on a plane just like those in a few short hours, and I would never have the chance to apologize for all I'd done. I'd hurt him deeper than imaginable, and I yearned to tell him all the things I truly felt. I hoped that somewhere deep inside himself, he knew.
There was a light knocking on my door, which startled me, and I looked away from the window to find Edward standing in the doorway. The look on his face nearly broke me.
"Hi," he softly said.
I swallowed deeply, letting out a breath before I responded to him. "Hi." Our eyes were glued to each other, and I was unable to look away from him. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity before clearing his throat and dropping his gaze to the floor.
"Can I come in?" he asked, hesitating as he ran his fingertips along the door jam.
"Yeah, of course." I watched as he cautiously walked toward me, pulling a chair away from the wall and sitting next to my bed.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, his eyes finally meeting mine again. My stomach flipped as butterflies began to flutter within it. I noticed my breathing pick up, and I strained to steady it so that Edward wouldn't notice.
"I'm okay. How are you?" I managed to say in an acceptable tone, only a slight hint of my nervousness showing through. Of course Edward could hear it—the look on his face assured me of that.
He shook his head a bit. "Not good."
We were quiet, a reverence settling over us both. "Your dad says you're leaving tomorrow."
"Yeah, I'm scheduled to."
"You're scheduled to? What does that mean?" I asked, picking up on the uncertainty in his voice.
"I don't know if I'm going tomorrow or not." His voice was soft, almost sounding broken, and I heard a raspy tone in it that wasn't normally there. I wondered where it had come from. There was emotion in his eyes, and it reminded me of when we were together, when he used to look at me, and I could feel love radiating from him. I welcomed it, having not truly felt it in so long.
"Why wouldn't you go? Don't you have to go?"
"Well, it kind of depends." He watched me closely, looking for something, though I wasn't sure what.
I needed to know what was going on, what could keep him from going to New York. "What does it depend on?"
He was quiet, his eyes dropping to look at my lips, my neck, and my chest. "You," he whispered.
"Me?" I sighed. "What about me?" I wanted him to tell me he loved me and wouldn't leave me. I wanted him to stand up and come to my bed, to pull me into his arms and never let me go. I wanted him to ravish me right there, in my hospital bed and then take me home and spend the whole night rebuilding our connection to one another.
"I can't leave with things like this, Iz. We have to work this out. You can't push me away, you should know that." His tone grew more determined as he spoke, but I could still hear the worry and uncertainty in it.
"I don't know what to do," I softly said, hoping my confusion was clear in my voice. "I can't ask you to stay, I can't ask you to give up your life for me. It's not fair, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did."
"Iz," he said, leaning forward to take my left hand into his. "Don't you know that my life is already yours? Don't you realize what you mean to me?" His thumb began to rub back and forth over my knuckles, as his fingers grazed my palm.
"But it's not fair. You deserve better," I whispered.
A sad laugh left his chest. "There isn't better than you. Not for me, anyway."
I sat still, unable to move or speak, just pondering his words. How could he mean them? He didn't love me, he was with Tori—he was marrying Tori.
"I don't understand," I said. When his eyes once again met mine, we both simply stared at each other.
As he released a deep sigh, he spoke. "You're it for me, you know that. Tori is a wonderful person, and she's good for me, and to me, but sometimes I think maybe that's not enough. I know I'm a selfish jerk and most people will probably think I was only using her, but that's not the case." He stopped, as if choosing his next words carefully. "Tori is a good person, Iz, and I care about her a lot. I've spent the past two days agonizing over what to do, and still I don't have an answer. Then it dawned on me what the problem was."
He stopped, squeezing my hand, and I silently willed him to continue.
"It's not that I don't want to be with her, and it's not that I want to drop everything and run away with you. The deal is, I can't do anything until you do."
His words made me look harder at him, my brow furrowing. "What do you mean, you can't do anything until I do?" I asked.
"Izzy, I can't choose until I know what you're going to do. I told you before, you have to clean yourself up. You have to go to rehab. You have to take control of your life. Only then will you be strong enough to be with me again."
Hearing his words, my heart began to clench. "What if I can't? What if I'm not strong enough?"
His eyes closed and he let out a long, deep breath. "Won't you even try? For me?"
I looked at him, fighting back the tears that were beginning to well up in my eyes. His thumb was still rubbing over the back of my hand, and the feel of his skin on mine sent tingles through my arm. I wanted to be able to tell him that he was enough, that I could make it if I had him. I wanted to tell him that I could beat this, and that I'd never even want another drug as long as I lived. I wanted to leave this hospital with him and never look back. None of that was reality, and no matter how much I might love and want him, I needed to face my demons before I could ever ask him to take me back. Even though I'd had him before, it hadn't been enough, and I didn't want to hurt him again. I couldn't let myself hurt him, both for his sake and for mine.
"I want to try, but I can't. Don't you get it? You're just gonna stay here long enough to get me into some facility and then you're going to go off with Tori and live this wonderful, amazing life. You're gonna leave me behind, and then when I get out, after I'm all clean and sober, I'll have nothing." The tears began to fall as I tried to pull my hand from his grasp.
His hand tightened around mine, and he actually pulled it a little closer to him. "No, Iz, no. It doesn't have to be that way. I want you. I want to try again with you, but I can't put myself through that unless I know that you are just as determined as I am to make us work. I couldn't survive losing you again, Izzy. To be honest, I'm not sure how I survived the first time."
We sat watching each other for several minutes, each of us breathing hard, fighting back tears, and trying to make the best of a really messed up situation. Finally, just when I thought I couldn't take the silence anymore, he leaned forward, bending to place a kiss on my hand. A wave of nausea swept through me—he was leaving. Panic began to grow within me as I realized this was it, this was the last time I'd see him for who knew how long. I felt myself begin to shake as he stood from him seat.
"Edward, wait," I blurted out. He stood next to my bed, looking down at me. There was a new emotion in his eyes and I silently prayed that it was not one that would lead him away from me. "Don't go," my voice shook with the words.
"Iz, I'm not going, just hold on, okay?" he said as he laid my hand on the bed and turned around, walking toward the door. My heart was in my throat as I saw him reach out for the door knob, release the door stop and push it to the frame. He was closing us inside, giving us privacy. I let out a long, deep breath, grateful that he hadn't completely given up on me. When he moved to close the blinds on the window that showed out into the hallway, I wondered what he was doing, but I waited, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
"I wanted some privacy, is that alright with you?" he asked, moving across the room and back to my bed. I nodded in response and was surprised when instead of sitting on the chair, he cautiously sank down on the bed next to me. His hand grasped mine again, and our eyes met.
"There are things to say, and I really need for you to just listen, okay? Can you do that?" he asked, the timber of his voice soft as his eyes searched mine.
"Okay," I replied, worried about what he wanted to tell me.
He cleared his throat, grasping my hand tighter in his. "Izzy, when you left..." He began to shake his head, "No, I can't..." His lips pursed as his brow furrowed, and I could see how hard this was for him. My instincts started to scream that whatever he was about to say was bad. I didn't know if I could listen to him break my heart.
Fighting back tears, I gently squeezed his fingers, trying to reassure him, even though inside I was panicking.
"Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?" he asked. I couldn't stand to see the pain on his face, the way his heart ache splashed across his beautiful features. "You crushed me. How am I ever supposed to get past that? How do I let you back into my life after all this time? After everything you did?"
A tiny gasp left my body. I knew, deep down, that eventually this discussion would have to happen, but now that it was, I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to run away, to never look back, but his hands kept me anchored to the bed. My mind immediately ran back to times in the past when I'd used different medications to numb the pain of my reality, and I began to crave the dulling sensations they had always given me. His voice beckoned me to stay with him, and it made no difference what the words were that fell from his lips. I cautiously shook my head, hoping that he would spare me the details of his anguish.
"You don't know anything about what happened to me while you were gone, so don't act like you do. You don't know Tori, and you don't know what she's done for me, so you don't get to say things about her. Do you understand that? You gave up any right to commentate on my life when you threw your ring back at me and left that night."
I tried so hard to keep the tears from falling, forcing my eyes to stay open and not blink. Maybe if I just kept my eyes open forever, the tears would dry up and I'd never have to let them loose.
"She's a good person, Iz. She helped me. She gave up things in her own life just to help me put mine back together. She's kind and she's smart, and I owe her more than I could ever pay back. You don't ever get to say anything bad about her. You hurt me. You left me. You didn't want me. Do you have any clue what that did to me?" His voice was pleading for answers, begging me to say something that would fix all that I'd done to him, but I had nothing. There were no words, no gestures, nothing that could make it right. It was pointless to even try, so I stayed silent.
"When I walked in on you and Eric, I didn't believe it. I didn't want to think that you—the woman that I loved more than my own life—would ever be able to do something like that. I tried to help you, Iz. I wanted so much for you to be okay, and I really thought I was doing the right thing." His fingers tightened around mine, and the increased pressure felt heavenly. For the first time in days, I could feel something. It was more than just accusing glances and hushed words, more than awkward gestures and medically necessary touches. It was something real, something true, and as much as it pained me to sit and listen to Edward speak, I never wanted it to stop. He was mine for just this moment, and he was all I wanted. He defeated everything else I needed, and I never wanted to let him go.
I knew he wanted me to say something—anything—but I couldn't. I was silent, pondering the things he'd said, my head bowed a little as I tried avoid eye contact with him.
"Izzy, look at me. Please." His fingers soon pressed against my chin, lifting my face so that he could see my eyes. I didn't want him to look at me, I didn't deserve it, but I couldn't stop it. I knew I didn't have much time left with him, and I was greedy, wanting to soak up as much as it as I could. "Do you know what you do to me?"
I shook my head, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer. He let out a long sigh before continuing.
"I want things for my life—a whole list of things that I'm not willing to negotiate on. Things I have to have to feel fulfilled and happy. Things I need, Bella." When he said my name, called me Bella, I froze. Whatever was coming next was serious. He never called me Bella unless it was important, and usually whatever it was turned out to be something bad.
"I want a marriage. I want a wife that I can love, who will love me in return. I want a house that I can come home to every night, where I can feel safe and honest. I want children, Bella. I want a whole house full of them. I want Sunday dinners around a dining room table, where everyone talks and laughs. I want a career that I'm proud of, where I can help people and make a difference in the world."
A single tear slipped from my eyes, cascading down my cheek. It was over. He wasn't choosing me.
"I want a Valentine's Day where I can bring flowers and candy to my wife. I want barbecues in my backyard on the Fourth of July. I want to take my kids trick or treating on Halloween. I want a big family Thanksgiving at my parent's house, with kids running all over the place and getting into things. I want to kiss my wife under the mistletoe at Christmas. I want to make love to her under the tree, with the little lights twinkling above us. I want to watch her rock our babies to sleep. I want to go to ball games and track meets, to music concerts and recitals."
I nodded my head slightly, accepting that all of the things he wanted were things I could never give him. The reality of losing him was slowly crushing me, turning what was left of my heart into nothing but dust and crumbs. More tears escaped and I wished I could wipe them away, but I refused to let go of Edward's hands.
"Tori can give me all of those things, Bella. She's a good person. She loves me, and she doesn't deserve this. She's a good person," he whispered, his voice growing softer with each sentence.
He was gone, this was over. I'd finally managed to push him away. Though I had wanted to, had tried to do it for over a year, it didn't feel nearly as satisfying as I thought it would. I thought that having him turn away from me would make me feel better, like I was doing something for him, to help him, to save him, but that wasn't the case at all. I simply felt worse than I'd ever felt before.
As I sat stewing in my despair, I realized he wasn't looking at me any longer. He obviously couldn't stand the sight of me and had turned away. He was slowly shaking his head back and forth, repeating over and over again, "She's a good person. She doesn't deserve this." I tried to speak, but nothing more than a sob came out. When Edward looked up, our tear filled eyes meeting again, his hands let go of mine. I watched silently as he sat back, pulling away from me.
"She's a good person, she doesn't deserve this," he said once more, and I nodded in agreement. He was gone. He didn't want me anymore. I closed my eyes, bowing my head and letting the tears fall with a fury.
"Don't make me regret this," he whispered. I looked back up, our eyes meeting.
"What?" I managed to squeak out, my voice practically inaudible.
"I want all those things, Bella, but I want them with you. Can you give them to me?"
I didn't know if I could, and my mouth fell open as I tried to say something, anything. Nothing came.
He swallowed, the muscles in his neck straining as he gritted his teeth. "Iz, if you'll try, if you'll go to rehab and fix things, I promise you that we'll try again. I don't want to give you up. Please don't make me. Please." His forehead wrinkled and tears rolled down his cheeks.
"What are you saying?" I asked, needing clarification on his words.
"I know that Tori could give me all those things, but I don't want them with her. I want them with you. I want it to be you I come home to. You that I cuddle children with. You that I hide Easter eggs with. You that I buy birthday presents for. You that I make love to every night. I want it to be you, so please, please let that happen. Please. I'm begging you, please fix this so that we can be us again. I miss you so much, please, Iz. Please?"
I was in shock, unable to process what he was telling me. Was he picking me? Was he willing to hurt Tori for me? "I don't understand," I said quietly. "I thought you didn't want me."
"Iz, I will always want you. I don't care about anything else. We can work through everything from the past, if you'll let us. If you'll just try and do what we need. You have to get help, sweetheart. We can't be together if you don't."
I nodded at his words, knowing that what he was saying was true. "I know, but what if I can't do it? What I'm not strong enough?"
"Shhh, don't say that," he cooed, raising his hand to my cheek to brush away the tears. "I'll help you, okay? You can do this, I know you can. You just have to try, and it can't be for me, and it can't be for you. You have to do this for us. Izzy, together we are stronger than anything else, so if you do it for us, then you'll make it. I know you will. I believe in you, and I know you can do this."
I leaned into his hand, craving the tenderness of his touch. I wanted all the things he'd said, and I wanted to believe his words. I just didn't know. I hadn't believed in myself in so long, I wasn't sure if I could really do it. Maybe if I had him with me, supporting and helping me, maybe I could be okay again.
"I want to kill myself," I said, my voice so soft that I almost couldn't hear my own words.
"What?" he said, panic beginning to creep into his words. "Still?"
"I want to die, to make this all go away. I didn't do it right the first time, but I wanted to get out of here and go home and do it again. I tried to push you away so that I wouldn't hurt you anymore." My chest began to shake as I spoke my deepest desires out loud. I'd never said them to anyone else before, but looking into Edward's eyes, I couldn't stop myself. The truth poured from me like an open faucet.
"Isabella, don't say that. Do you hear me? Your leaving hurt me more than I can say, but you have no idea what it would do to me if you were dead. Don't even think it, ever again, do you understand?"
I wanted to nod, to tell him I knew he was right, but I couldn't. He scooted closer to me on the bed, his hands wrapping around my cheeks and making me look at him. The hurt on his face broke me and I began to sob, unable to control my emotions.
"I don't want to be without you. I want all those things with you, but what if I can't? What if I can't have babies, Edward? What if I can't be normal? What if I messed things up too much already? What then? If we can't have children, will you leave me?" The thought of him abandoning me after everything would kill me, there was no doubt in my mind. "I couldn't survive that, life without you. I wouldn't."
His eyes searched mine. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, okay? If we can't have children together, then we'll figure something else out. I don't care where our family comes from, as long as it's ours. You and me, okay?"
I nodded, trying to control my emotions. Suddenly a wave of reality flooded my perfect future and before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth.
"What about Tori? What will you do?" I asked, hesitant to hear his response.
"I'll put things on hold. I'm still moving, because I have to, but things with her will stop. You and I, we can write letter and emails, I can call you. I can even come visit, but you have to focus on you for a little while, okay?"
He was still leaving? I looked at him with worry growing in my eyes.
"You're still going with her?" I asked, an uneasy feeling slamming into me with so much force, I could hardly breathe.
"I'm not going with her, I'm just going. I told you, I want you. I will end things with her, but you have fix this first, you know?"
"No, I don't. I-I don't get it. You just said that you want to be with me, but you're moving to New York anyway? With someone else?" My head shook back and forth, unwilling to accept what he was telling me. I felt his fingers tighten and press harder into my skin, holding me still so that he could focus on me. "How is that even gonna work? I mean, are you gonna break up with her now or in a few months? What? I need something to work toward, and if you're still screwing her, then what does that leave me?"
His eyes closed and he let out a long, deep sigh. "Iz, I'll put everything with Tori on hold, okay? I won't be sleeping with her, I won't be planning a wedding with her, nothing like that, alright? Please, trust me."
My words grew softer. "But you'll be living with her, won't you?"
He stared into my eyes for a long time before nodding a little, confirming my fears. "Sweetheart, it's all set up, I can't get out of it. I'll try, I'll find a way legally to arrange things a little differently, but for now, Tori and I will be roommates. That's all, please believe me."
My heart was pounding in my chest. How could he do this to me? How could he profess his undying love one minute, telling me that he wanted a future with me, and then the next minute tell me that he was moving thousands of miles away with his current fiancé, where they would be sharing an apartment?
"But you'll be with her, and you'll get lonely. She's comfortable for you. How long do you really think it will take before you start screwing her again? What, the first time I miss returning a letter? The first time I'm not there to answer a phone call? Maybe you'll wait until I'm thirty days clean. What, Edward, what will it be?" His face was so sad, so pained that I hated to continue, but I had to. I couldn't risk everything I wanted on something that wasn't a guarantee. "I need to know that you're in this with me. I'm not strong enough alone, you know that. I need you to help me. I'm so sorry to dump this all on you, and I don't want you to think that I'm weak, but I can't do it without your support. I know I can't."
"Izzy, I will be supporting you, don't you see that?" He moved his fingers back onto my neck, letting them plunge into my hair and gently pull me closer to him. "I will be with you in spirit every minute of every day. You need this time to work on you. I want you to know what you're worth, baby. I don't ever want to hear you doubt yourself again. This can help you, it can change you, if you'll let it. Please, let it."
I felt his breath wash over me, the slight hint of cinnamon and mocha. I knew he'd been drinking coffee and I wondered how nervous he'd been before coming in to see me. He rarely drank coffee any time other than morning, except when he was worried. As I looked over his face, taking in every feature and the individual beauty of each one, I was overwhelmed by him. I had often times been rendered speechless by a glance from him, or even a casual grin, but to really study him was something else. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve someone like him in my life, but I didn't want to throw that gift away—not anymore.
Taking careful note of the way his skin felt against mine, the way the fingers gently moved in my hair, along my cheeks and lips, made me feel special. I knew there was something unique between us, and the more time I spent with him, the more I realized what a mistake it would be to throw that away. I loved him and for some unknown, completely ridiculous reason, he loved me too. As much as I didn't want to be without him, I didn't want to leave him without me, either. I would change things. I resolved within myself at that moment to do whatever needed to be done so that I could fix myself for me and for Edward. I wanted to be part of an 'us' again, and I wanted it with Edward. I wanted all of the things he'd said before. I wanted them badly.
"Do you promise?" I asked, my voice shaking with emotion.
He let out a long breath, moving closer to me so that his nose nearly brushed against mine. "I promise. Please, do this for us, sweetheart." His green eyes burned into mine, little golden flecks doting the deep emerald pools. I searched them for a moment, trying to find a tiny bit of dishonesty in them. It would be so easy to find a lie in his words. If he was just untrustworthy, I could send him away and finish what I'd started, but I knew as I watched him that he wasn't lying. He would give up anything I asked him to. He would sacrifice his happiness and his future for me. The desire to be worthy of that fact nearly crushed me.
"Okay," I whispered.
His eyes widened as he took in my words. "Yeah?" he said, the left side of his mouth pulling up just a bit, showing me a hint of the crooked smile I loved so much.
Nodding slightly, I replied. "Yeah."
I watched as he smiled the most heartbreakingly beautiful smile I'd ever seen. He inched closer to me, his nose rubbing against mine, and after a few moments he kissed me. It started out tentative, his lips hesitant as they gently brushed against mine. He cautiously pulled my lower lip between his, sucking lightly while his hands pushed deeper into my hair and held me securely to him. As he nibbled on my lip, I felt myself let go—release all of the pain and sorrow that I'd been holding onto so tightly. I wanted him, and I needed to make it happen.
Raising my hands, I placed them on his waist, letting my fingers curl into his shirt and pull him closer to me. I felt a sharp pain in my right hand and knew that the pressure of my grasp was affecting the I.V. in the back of my hand. I let go a bit, the pain dulling, and focused on Edward's lips, and his tongue that was sliding along my lower lip. Opening my mouth a little, I let my tongue slip out and meet his, the two pebbled surfaces touching and tasting each other. The kiss was slow, simple, and by far one of the most erotic of my life. I never wanted to stop, and as he deepened it, his warm, pink tongue fully exploring the inside of my mouth, I did something I had never taken the time to do before. I memorized each move he made, the feel of his stubble on my cheek, how quickly he was breathing, and even the feel of his shirt under my fingers. I never wanted to forget, and knowing that he could get to New York and change his mind... I knew I had to make the most of these few moments, just in case they were my last ones with him.
I prayed silently that he could move his hand to my chest that he would touch me in ways he hadn't done in over a year, but he didn't. After a few moments, his lips were soon latched onto my neck, and I had my head back against the bed, a constant stream of moans coming from each of us.
"Edward," I sighed, his name floating quietly through the room.
"What? What is it?" he asked in between kisses, his voice rushed and low, filled with lust.
Straining for purchase in his hair, I watched as my pale colored fingers slithered deeply into his copper tresses. I began to pull him close and was a little surprised when I realized he was trying to push himself away. Being that he was the stronger one of us, he easy defeated me, and soon we were staring at each other again.
"What, baby? What's wrong?" He looked into my eyes, and then moved his glance to cover every inch of my face. He seemed uneasy for some reason, and hoped whatever the reason was, it wasn't the same one that was filling me with dread at the moment. I hoped he really did want all the things he'd said to me.
I spoke quietly, my voice thick with hesitation. "Nothing, it just felt really good." His hands remained in my hair, holding my head as he continued to look at me. I reached up and wrapped my fingers around the palm of his right hand. Tugging softly, our hands slowly slid down my throat and then to my shoulder, where I paused for a moment as I tried to strengthen my resolve. Biting deeply into my bottom lip, my teeth pushing into the tender flesh there, I was nervous as I began to move his hand again.
He simply watched me, not saying anything until he realized that I had pushed our hands further down my body, and they were quickly moving lower than my neckline. They slid over my collarbones, past my shoulders, and toward my breast.
"Touch me, Edward. Please, just let me feel you. I need your skin, please?" I begged. I watched closely as he battled with what to do. A fire began to grow in his eyes, and I knew that he wanted me the same way I wanted him, but there was hesitation there. I stopped my hand, letting his palm rest of the upper swell of my breast. The hospital gown I wore was thin, and I could feel the heat from his skin.
"Izzy, we can't," he said. Carefully he pulled his hand from under mine and rested it in his lap.
"Why?"
"It's not right, Iz. Not now." He slowly removed his left hand from my hair, settling it on the bed next to my thigh. "We have to go slow with this. Kissing you is one thing, but touching you like this is something totally different. We can't go to that point yet, we have to build up to that again." Looking at his face, I could tell that he was being sincere, but it didn't help to rid me of the feeling of rejection that was quickly consuming me.
"It's okay, I understand," I said, then rolled over to my right side and faced away from him. I heard him let out a long breath, followed by mumbling. I couldn't make out what he said, but I wasn't sure I really wanted to either. The fact that he had stopped —had turned me down cold—embarrassed me, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl under the bed and wait for him to leave. My stomach was twisting and my heart racing as I lie there looking out the window at the city lights, trying to will my eyes to not cry. I could feel the tears coming, and I prayed that I'd be able to hold them off until after Edward left.
I felt the bed shift a bit and realized that Edward had stood up. He let out another long breath before speaking. "Izzy, why do you do this? I'm really trying here and I don't know what to do. Please don't push me away again. I can't handle it if you do. Please, baby, don't shut me out."
No words would come to my mouth and I lie quietly on the bed. I was completely confused and unsure about what to do, and as I listened to his footsteps walking away from me, I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. The moisture seeped from my eyes and left wet, hot tracks down my face, dropping into the pillow. I tried to be as quiet as I could, not wanting to alert Edward to the fact that I was crying, but I didn't hear his footsteps any longer. Maybe he was simply sitting on the sofa. Maybe he had opened the door so quietly that I hadn't even heard him. A thousand thoughts ran through my head as the tears increased in amount, and I struggled to catch my breath from the sobs that had begun to take control of my body.
Just when my mind started filling with memories of what I'd done in the past when this same thing occurred, I felt the bed behind me dip down, only it wasn't in one spot. It seemed to start near my lower back and then continue both up and down the bed. Just as I was about to turn and see what was happening, Edward's arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me into his chest. He had climbed into the bed with me and was lying behind me, protecting me and supporting me. The tears began anew with a fury, and I didn't have the strength to hide them from him.
"Shhhh, baby, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere." he reassured me. Settling in behind me, I let myself be consumed by his touch, his warmth, and his love. My body melted against his and I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he loved me. No matter what had happened in the past, or what would happen in the future, Edward loved me. I took comfort in that knowledge and as the minutes passed by, he continued to whisper in my ear, telling me over and over again that he loved me and that he'd never stop.
After a short time, he nudged me to lift my head, and as I did so, he slid his arm under my neck. I shifted back a little, pushing my body flush against his, and laid my head on his bicep. I could feel every inch of him and it felt so right, so natural, and I remembered all the nights that we'd fallen asleep in this same position. I always felt so safe with his arms wrapped around me, and this time was no different. As I wiggled and nestled into him, he let out a soft laugh.
"Sweetie, you gotta stop that. You don't know what you're doing to me." My mind ran wild with ideas and suddenly I realized the only thing that felt different this time. Every other time when we'd been like this, with him spooning me, I felt all of him pressed up against me, and there was always something rather hard pushing against my backside. Slowly the realization dawned that he wasn't hard this time. That, along with his laughing, made me doubt my affect on him. If he really wanted me the way he said he did, wouldn't his body be reacting to my closeness? Wouldn't he want me in all the ways that a man usually wants a woman? Wouldn't he be attracted to me physically, as well as emotionally? Fear crept into my thoughts and I pressed my eyelids closed tighter, my brow wrinkling as I once again felt the familiar sting of tears. Edward must have sensed that something was wrong and he moved his mouth next to my ear.
"What, Iz? What is it?" he quietly asked.
"You don't want me, do you?" I whispered in a broken voice.
"What are you talking about?"
I swallowed the lump that had grown in my throat and then continued. "I can feel you, and you don't want me like you used to."
He let out a soft snort and laugh, tightening his hold on me. "Izzy, you have no idea how hard I am trying to keep myself from being inappropriate with you right now. I keep thinking about my grandparents, or my cousin's baby that threw up at Christmas, or even the dog that keeps pooping in my front yard. Anything to stop myself from getting hard at just the thought of being with you. And you wiggling like you did just now was not helping."
I settled down a bit, sniffling as I tried to turn and look into his eyes. "You still want me? You're sure?"
His emerald eyes twinkled as one side of his mouth pulled up in a mischievous grin. "I can show you how much if you'd really like me to." He then leaned forward and kissed my nose before finding my lips with his. The kiss was soft and sweet, tender and loving, and as he pulled away he looked at me.
"Sleep, my Izzy. I'm not going anywhere tonight."
With that, I lay my head back down, turning to stare at the lights shining brightly outside my window. I listened as his rhythmic breathing gently lulled me, calming me and stopping my tears. I hadn't felt so safe in such a long time, and I prayed that we could always be this way. In the back of my mind I knew it was impossible. I had things I had to take care of before we could be together, but wrapped up in Edward's protective arms, I knew that I could do it. He believed in me, and I knew that with his support, it would be possible for me to fix things. I wanted nothing more than to be with Edward always, and I wanted all the things he'd mentioned tonight. I wanted them with him, because after all, without him, what would be the point of any one of those things?
I briefly thought about the events that would take place the next day—Edward leaving and me going to the rehab center, but I pushed them away and let myself be lost in the moment. Just as I began to doze off, I heard a familiar song being hummed into my ear. As Edward softly sang me to sleep, I melted deeper into his embrace and his love, letting myself be consumed by the gifts he was offering me.
As sleep overtook me, I'd never felt more alive.
~oOo~
A/N: This is good, right? I know a lot of you want Edward to stay behind and help Bella, but let's be realistic. She needs time alone to work on things. Plus them being apart is where the fun of rebuilding their relationship comes in. Trust me…it will be good. Don't you remember what it felt like to check the mailbox every day, waiting for a certain letter? Yeah, kinda like that.
Author rec time…
EdwardsBloodType – What can I even say about her? You probably already know who she is, but let me tell you…she's amazing. And I don't just mean as an author, though her stories are really fantastic. She's sweet and funny and goofy and smutty and naughty and feisty… And I could not love her more. Or at least if I did, she'd either have to file a restraining order, or apply for one of those same sex marriage licenses, though that would get us in trouble since we're both already married. I'm thinking polygamy isn't really an option at this point… But I'm betting our husbands would be okay with some of it. :D Her mega story is High Anxiety, but she also has a fun little smut fest called I'll Be Your Lover Too. She's also starting a new story called In Too Deep, and it's nothing like you've read before. I got to preread the first chapter (nah-nah-nee-nah-nah) and it's SOOO good. Not even kidding a little bit, it's awesome. I can't wait for more of it! :D She's got a couple of other fun little stories on her profile, so check them out. You won't be disappointed, I can promise you. Plus she's kinda cute too, so that's always a bonus. :D
http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1730732/EdwardsBloodType
I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.
And this has a thread on Twilighted.
Links to both of those are on my profile.
Let me know what you think. I apologize for the delay, hopefully it won't happen again. I just let my fears get the best of me and I got a little down on this story, but I love where it's going and I love your comments, so I hope you love it too…