"The prodigal son has returned!" Harry said as Hermione joined he and the other Marauders at the Gryffindor table.
"I thought we already established today that I am, in fact, a girl, and therefore not a son."
"In name only, dear Hermione." "But if you keep acting like that people might start to believe you." Fred and George replied. Hermione rolled her eyes in exasperation. Before she had time to craft a retort, however, professor McGonagall cleared her throat and announced that it was time to sort the first years.
After Ginny watched Luna get sorted into Ravenclaw she was a little disappointed. Sure, that girl was a little odd but after talking with her on the train she wasn't all bad. Though, after talking with her, she had no doubt that she probably belonged in Ravenclaw. Her thoughts were interrupted when McGonagall called her name and she was sorted into Gryffindor, just as she knew she would be.
That wasn't so bad. In fact, there was a suspicious lack of troll fighting involved, not that I believed Fred and George. That wasn't just 'not bad,' either, it was great! I'm a Gryffindor! Even if I'm not with Luna I'm at least with Hermione. I'm not so sure that's a good thing, though. If I sit with her I'm probably going to have to sit with Harry, too. On the bright side, if I sit with her I'm probably going to get to sit with Harry. I'm not entirely sure how that can be a good thing and a bad thing simultaneously, but it is. Plus I'm not so sure Hermione didn't just sit with me on the train because she pities me. Of course if she's friends with my brothers those feelings might be mutual.
Ginny sat down with the Marauders at the Gryffindor table to many words of congratulations from them all.
"I don't care what Fred said, there's still hope for this one, yet!" "But you're Fred, Fred." "I know, and have you heard the terrible things I've been saying about her behind her back?" "Well just because she got into Gryffindor doesn't change much of that." "Yes, but can't a brother hope?"
"I'm right here, you know." Ginny said, setting her wand on the table in a rather conspicuous motion.
"We know."
"And mom taught me the bat bogey hex to keep you two in line."
"Well how are you going to know which of us to hit?" "Yeah, Fred said all those unnamed bad things." "Yes, Fred did. And how would you know which of us is Fred?" "We're identical."
"You just said you were Fred about 20 seconds ago." Hermione pointed out.
"I was probably lying." "He does have a bit of a reputation for that." "Also, Harry, remind me why this one is a Marauder, again."
"She did have a good point, you sort of blew your cover. As for why she's a Marauder, I've told you a million times, no one would suspect that she's the criminal mastermind behind all of this."
"I am NOT."
"See? Even in present company she maintains her cover as an innocent little schoolgirl. I know of no one else with that kind of dedication. Take Ginny, here, for example. She's already forgotten about hexing you two. That's just bad form."
"Oh, thanks for that, Harry." "Yes, it's such bad form to not let your friends get hexed" The twins responded.
"Well, you asked. She's just a first year, any ways, I think you're bogeys are safe."
Ginny thought she was a little too starstruck from this direct mention by Harry Potter to get a hex off at the moment so he was probably right but she didn't have to put her resolve to the test as she was saved by Dumbledore clearing his throat to make his beginning of year announcements. After the ruckus of kids trying to get a look at Lockhart, the new DADA teacher, all was forgotten. Once the announcements were complete and the food had appeared Ginny was once again struck with the realization that she would most likely have to make an attempt at engaging in conversation with Harry or else her brothers might get suspicious.
But you don't want to oversell it, either. You've just got to talk to him once without doing anything stupid, then you're fine. If you talk to him too much, though, then you just increase the chances of doing something stupid.
It was right about that time that Ginny set her elbow down in a bowl of mashed potatoes.
"Save some for the rest us, would you?" Harry said.
Ginny's face flushed as she focused on cleaning off her elbow. Hermione, feeling sorry for the girl, just pulled out her wand and said "Tergeo" to clean off Ginny's arm
"Thanks." Ginny said, quietly and without making eye contact.
"Think you could work one of those on the potatoes, too, Hermione?" Ron asked. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"You could just ask one of us to hand you a spoon next time you want some potatoes. No need to get up to your elbows in the stuff." Harry remarked to laughter from everyone except Hermione and Ginny.
"Lay off, she's just nervous because it's her first day here." Hermione said in Ginny's defense.
"Fair enough, I'd be nervous, too, if it were my first year AND I was eating dinner with the boy who lived." Harry said.
"Hmph. You know you've got some competition this year, Harry. Lockhart is the Defense professor and he's quite famous, he's written a lot of books. He's attractive, too... I read."
"You read that you find him attractive, Hermione?"
"Well, I didn't say that I, personally-"
"Shh." Harry said, placing a finger over his lips in a sarcasm-laden attempt to placate Hermione "Don't worry, Hermione, your secret's safe with me."
"Though probably not safe with us." One of the twins added. "Yes, we have a reputation."
"I don't really think of him as competition, anyways, Hermione. It's not like he's going to be snogging a bunch of second years or anything. That's actually really perverse, Hermione, I can't even believe you'd suggest that."
"I never sa-"
"AND, I should point out, he doesn't have any witnesses to all those crazy things he wrote about. Anyone can write a book about how awesome they are, it doesn't make it so. The opposite is also true. I've never written a book and I think we can all agree that I'm awesome."
"I think 'awesome' is a little strong, Harry."
"Hermione, you're attracted to a potential pedophile. Your opinions don't matter. Plus, I've got a lightening bolt scar, what's more awesome than that?"
Hermione crossed her arms and starred daggers at Harry while everyone that heard their argument was laughing.
"Aww, come on Hermione. You know I only joke because I like you so darn much." Harry said with a mischievous grin.
"Yeah, right." Hermione said, rolling her eyes at him.
"Seriously, Hermione. You're probably the only girl in this school who's not just trying to get in my pants. For that you have my undying loyalty."
"Seriously, Harry. You're probably the only boy in the WORLD who thinks every girl he meets is trying to 'get into his pants.'"
"Well just look at Ginny, here. Did you see how she tried to seduce me with those potatoes? Don't think I didn't notice the way you were working that napkin." Harry said, with a stern look at Ginny, who decided to turn her attention to cutting her pork chop.
"Harry, don't talk about my sister like that." Ron said, seriously.
"Easy, there, killer."
At this Fred and George couldn't hold back their laughter any longer.
"Really, Ron?" "'The way she was working her napkin' is what set you off?" The twins asked once they'd had their laugh.
"You've got nothing to worry about, Ron. I think the lucky first girl of the year is going to be that Ravenclaw seeker."
"Cho Chang?" Ron asked
"That sounds right. She's 10 points for Ravenclaw, if you know what I mean. And by that I mean she's more like an 8, but she's athletic and smart so it sort of works out."
"I've given up any hope of you ever treating women with respect rather than objectifying them but do you think you could at least try act like a respectable member of society around me?" Hermione cut in.
"Hermione, I'm a hero, by default everything I do is done regally and with respect. I'm the definition of an upstanding member of society. I really don't see what the problem is with admiring something of beauty when I see it. I don't complain about girls fawning over me, you know. In fact, I think your comments reveal and overt underlying sexist tendency on your part."
"You're hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless."
"I know, I have no hope of girls stopping that unseemly behavior towards me. It's not all their fault, though. They're just attracted to my masculine wiles, you know."
Hermione rolled her eyes, the twins laughed, and Ron asked Harry what masculine wiles were.
"Well, Ron, unfortunately it's not enough to just be the savior of the world to have lots of women attracted to you. It actually takes a little bit of effort, though you may not notice because of how I easy I make it look. The good news is that it also means you don't have to be a hero, so there's hope for the rest of you."
"Because that's what we really need, Harry, is more boys in this school acting like you."
"You're too kind, Hermione. I, too, have often thought how much better the school would be if everyone were like me but there's no point in dwelling on impossibilities. The point I was trying to make, however, was that anyone could theoretically do what I do, as much as it pains me to admit it. Just look at Lockhart up there. He's no hero and yet for some reason he's got Hermione and half the housewives of magical Britain fawning over him."
"I do NOT 'fawn' over him!" Hermione objected. "Besides, he wrote all those books about the heroic stuff he did. Some might say that doing heroic things makes one a hero"
"You put far too much faith in books, Hermione. Have you seen do anything of that stuff he says he did?"
"No, but I haven't personally seen you kill any dark lords, either."
"I've got a lightening bolt scar, what more do you need? Plus I seem to recall having to save you from a troll last year. Plus, even if you didn't see me, do you think Quirrell just up and disappeared?"
"Fine, but if he made all that stuff up don't you think someone would have realized it by now?"
"Probably, but if he ran into enough fans like yourself along the way I'm sure he could just flash that smile of his to remove any suspicions. You're the best evidence of this. You're defending the guy and you've never even met him."
"Well you're attacking the guy and you've never even met him."
"I'm not attacking him, I'm just maintaining neutrality until I do meet him, there's a difference."
With that the food started disappearing from the tables and Dumbledore made some closing announcements, at the conclusion of which he dismissed everyone back to the house dorms. Given that everyone needed to be up bright and early the next day for the first day of classes they all went straight to their beds
WWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCHWWCH
"Hey Harry" Ron inquired, just after they'd both gotten into their respective beds.
"Yes?"
"About these masculine wiles..."
"It's sort of weird that you keep saying that. Who actually uses the word 'wiles' anyways? But yes, what about them?"
"You think anyone can get any girl?"
"Well almost anyone, Sirius had a lot of success, right? But not necessarily any girl. I don't really want to test that theory because any girl means every girl and every girl includes Pansy Parkinson, for example."
"Good point. But what do you have to do?"
"Well you've got to figure out what works for you, I mostly just follow all the advice Sirius gave me, it seems to work. For example: you've got to have at least one friend who is a girl but never your girlfriend. I've got Hermione, Sirius has Tonks. Hermione hates me so no problems there and Tonks is related to Sirius which, for some Wizards, probably wouldn't necessarily be an issue but I think they're OK."
"Why do you need a girl who's your friend but not your girlfriend?"
"Well it shows all the other girls that you're not a jerk with women if you have a female. This is sort of ironic given that the second piece of advice is to act like a bit of a jerk."
"How can that possibly help?"
"You've never heard that nice guys finish last? I have no idea why it works but right now at least it seems to be doing the trick. It works for Sirius, too."
"Well my mum thinks he's a jerk and hates him because of it."
"I noticed that, in fact I think she might think I'm a jerk, too, but Sirius is trying to land a date with your mum now, is he?"
"Well no, I guess he isn't, but I'm just saying that acting like a jerk isn't going to get you anyone you want, just some people."
"That's an unusually perceptive comment for you make, Ron. You're probably right, it won't work on every one, but I didn't say it would. I works of everyone worth having. No offense intended to your mother. And you actually might not want to tell her I said any of this if you ever want to spend summer together."
"You're probably right about not telling her. But what are you going to do if you DO want someone that doesn't have a thing for jerks? Can you just turn it off?"
"I guess if there was a girl I really wanted I could. I've just never had a reason to try not being a jerk, so I've never done it. Just thinking about it is sort of scary, actually. But Hermione is probably the only girl in the school I met who that would apply to and that's not going to happen, ever. It's nothing against her personally but she's more like a sister to me. A sister from totally different parents who is my exact opposite."
"Plus she's unattractive." Dean Thomas cut in.
"Oh, don't mind us, Dean, we're just having a conversation that you weren't a part of." Harry responded in jest.
"You're talking in the boys dormitory while everyone is trying to sleep, we're all a part of it." Dean pointed out.
"Dean's right. Do you really think I could have any girl I wanted?" Neville asked.
Harry gave a theatrical yawn and said "Alright guys, I'm exhausted, I think we'd all better get to sleep.