Harry, Ron, and Hermione checked their schedule for the week over breakfast. Ginny, having become acquainted with her fellow first years in the dorm, decided it was better to eat with them than risk another mashed potato fiasco.
"So what've we got today?" Harry asked the table at large.
"Herbology!" Said Neville, excitedly.
"Better than potions, I guess. I can't handle Snape first thing on a Monday." Ron commented.
"And after Herbology we've got Defense." Hermione added.
"You would know that, wouldn't you? Those classes are on the days marked with hearts in your planner, right? Wouldn't want to miss a single minute of Lockhart's expert instruction." Harry said.
"I have done no such thing, Harry. Unlike you, I'm not jealous just because the school has another celebrity. That doesn't mean I'm infatuated with the man."
"No, it doesn't. The way you stick up for everything he says despite the lack of any tangible evidence is what means you're 'infatuated' with him. This has nothing to do with his alleged celebrity infringing on me. Maybe when he saves a country we can talk."
"You're hopeless, Harry, truly. I'm going to go see what Ginny's up to."
Fred swooped into the newly vacated space and George accompanied him on the right.
"So, Harry, we've got to open this year with a bang" "Yeah, we're nearly 24 hours into the school year and there's not so much as a plan for a prank yet." "It's a little embarrassing, frankly." Fred and George said in turn.
"I feel the same way but until we've got our first classes I'm not sure we can pick a deserving target."
"What about Filch?" "Or Snape?" "Or Snape!"
"Those are always good backups but I'm thinking Lockhart could be on that list soon, too."
"If we pull a prank on Lockhart mum will kill us." "Or worse, send a howler."
"You should have heard how disappointed she was that we missed his book signing in Diagon Alley" Ron added.
"Well I don't plan on telling your mother or on getting caught so I don't think that's an issue."
"Good point." Fred said.
"We'll figure out the details in the common room tonight."
"The details of what?" Hermione asked, suddenly appearing behind Fred and George.
"The details of that essay for Snape about the potions." Harry said, not skipping a beat.
"'The potions?' Isn't that a little broad for an essay topic? Plus, Harry, we haven't even been to our first cla-"
"Look! A distraction!" Harry interrupted her, pointing to the staff table while he, Ron, Fred, and George got up and started walking swiftly to the doors.
Hermione caught up to them at the doors.
"How did you think that was going to work?" She asked.
"Quite well, and I'd say it did. You totally forgot you were about to lecture us on not getting to Herbology late."
"That's not what I was about to do."
"It's quite alright, Hermione, your insistence on being punctual and well-informed is what makes you so special. That and your sad, strange attraction to much older men."
"Stop trying to change the subject."
"Trying? I think I just did change the subject. You should be offended right now, stop fighting it."
"I'm not even sure what you were changing the subject from."
"Excellent."
The rest of the way to the greenhouses they walked in silence as Ron was confused, Hermione frustrated, and Harry rather content. Professor Sprout beckoned them to the entrance of greenhouse 3 and handed them each a pair of earmuffs as they entered.
Once the rest of the class arrived professor Sprout started her lesson
"Today we'll be moving these mandrakes to larger pots. I've given you all earmuffs because the cry of an adult mandrake can kill. These mandrakes are adolescents, however, and will just knock you out for a few hours, nevertheless I think it would behoove you all to keep your ear muffs securely on until I give you the thumbs up. Now, you'll all need to get into groups of four to a table."
With these instructions professor Sprout start grouping the students. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were joined by a brown-haired Hufflepuff boy at their table.
"Hello, I'm Justin Finch-Fletchley. I know who you are, you're Harry Potter, the hero!"
"I do what I can." Harry said in a voice that dripped with ego.
"And of course you're Hermione Granger, top of the class in every subject!"
"Oh, you're really too kind, Justin, I just study a lot, you know. Anyone could do it, really"
"But you're the only one who does do it, Hermione," Harry started, placing his hand on her shoulder "and that's what makes you so darn special. Sure Ron and I could do the homework – well, at least I could do the homework – but we don't, and you do."
"Hey, I take offense to that, mate." Ron objected.
"And I get the feeling you aren't entirely genuine with your tone, Harry." Hermione said, in turn.
"Prove me wrong, then, Ron, Hermione needs some competition. And Hermione, you need to stop being so insecure, you have the best grades, that's quantifiable, and I made you a Marauder specifically because I needed a criminal mastermind. I'm hurt that you would find my words to you anything less than Merlin's honest, heartfelt truth."
The conversation was truncated when professor Sprout told the class to don their ear protection.
"So what do we have after we wash up?" Ron asked
"Defense against the Dark Arts." Hermione replied.
"Oh, wow, the big day has finally arrived: you'll be meeting everyone's favorite supposed hero in the flesh." Harry commented.
"He's everyone's favorite now, is he? I'm surprised you're willing to admit you aren't everyone's favorite." Hermione responded.
"Well he's not an actual hero so he has his own list, one for people who claim to be heroes but have no evidence to back it up. It's well documented that I've already beaten Voldemort twice and, I might add, saved you from a troll. Which reminds me, did I ever tell you that your complete lack of hero worship for me following that event hurts the deepest essence of my being?"
"Yes, I think you've actually told me that a few times but I reject the very notion of your being a hero. Sure, you've done some things that might be indicative of what a hero would do, namely the three events you're so kind as to remind us all of every chance you get. Just doing these things doesn't make you a hero, however, Harry, because a hero should be humble and virtuous, among other things, and humble is one thing you simply are not."
"Oh, and Lockhart is just so humble and virtuous, now I understand. It has nothing to do with that freaky statutory crush you've got going on, my apologies."
"Hermione does have a point, though, Harry. About the heroes thing, not about Lockhart. That just creeps me out, actually. But heroes usually are pretty humble and sort of noble. You're more like an anti-hero."
"No, Ron, an anti-hero is someone that is a hero but doesn't want to be. I am a hero and I want to be, that just make me a hero-hero."
Ron's English lesson was cut short by a beaming brown-haired first-year boy in Gryffindor garb with a camera hanging from around his neck.
"Harry Potter!" the boy exclaimed, offering a hand to shake Harry's as he was just finishing drying off the last remnants of his Herbology lesson "I'm Colin, Colin Creavey."
"Uh, hi there, Colin."
"Would it be alright if... uh, well do you think I could get a photograph with you?"
"A photo?"
"To take back and show my parents, I've already told them all about how I'm going to school with the boy who saved the wizarding world. And a boy in the dorm said that if I use the right potion to develop the film the pictures will move."
"Oh, well since you put it that way, let's do it. Ron, would you mind?"
Harry put on the most heroic smile he could manage and placed his arm over Colin's shoulder while Ron snapped a quick photo and handed the camera back.
"Thanks, Harry!"
"No problem, kid."
"Do you think you could sign it once I develop it?"
"Why not?"
"Awesome!" And with that Colin ran off to his next class.
"Did you see that, Hermione?" Harry asked as he turned to her wearing a smile that covered his whole face "I think that was pretty heroic. Like a minister of magic or something. Epic."
"Handing out signed photos now, are we?" Draco asked, accompanied by his usual tone of condescension.
"Only to the good little boys and girls, I'm afraid that you and your henchmen there don't qualify. But hey, something to strive for, right? They're probably pretty valuable."
"Then maybe you can give one to the weasel there and his family can sell it to buy themselves some dignity or something."
"Hey, you take that back!" Ron yelled, making a move toward Draco, only to be held back by Harry.
"Calm down, Ron," Harry consoled him, placing his hand on Ron's shoulder "if you punch him now you'll get blood all over hands and then we'll have to go wash up again and we just came from there. You need to save this sort of thing for immediately after Herbology otherwise we'll just be late for Lockhart's writing lessons and I heard we're covering fiction this year so we don't want to miss that over a git like Malfoy." "No offense." Harry said with a glance to Malfoy.
"None taken." Malfoy said in reply
"Damn, I was lying about the 'no offense' part." "And Ron, if there's anything the Malfoys have taught us it's that you can't buy dignity no matter how rich you are, not that you'd need any." Harry said, then turning to Draco "Now, Don't you have some small children you have to go torture or something? I'm not motivated enough to have a verbal sparring match with you all the way to class."
"Don't worry about that, I don't want to spend much time close to mudbloods and blood traitors, people might start to think that's an OK thing to do."
"Yes, wouldn't want anyone to think you're tolerant or anything. Run along, now." Harry said Draco and his pair of thugs walked past.
"Did you hear what he called Hermione?" Ron asked, fuming.
"Yes, but she doesn't know she's supposed to be offended so I think it might be OK."
"What was supposed to offend me?"
"'Mudblood.'" Ron answered in a tone of disgust. "It's a bad word for people with muggle parents. Since the Malfoys are pureblood they like to pick on anyone who isn't."
"Don't worry though" Harry said, reassuringly "My mum's parents were muggles and look how I turned out! Maybe, one day, you, too, can hope to give birth to a son as awesome and heroic as me."
"Suddenly I find that I don't think I want any children." Hermione said with a laugh.
"Oh, there's no pressure, it's not like every witch with muggle parents has a son that's as heroic as me so no one will be super disappointed if you have a kid who isn't. But I'd like to think everyone has just a little bit of disappointment when they realize their child isn't me."
"Oh, good, because before you said that I was going to be very disappointed if my future child was more similar me and his father than he was to a man that had no relation to him but you've put those fears to rest."
"That's what I'm here for, Hermione!" Harry said as they walked into the classroom.
"Harry Potter!" Lockhart yelled from the front of the classroom as they made their way to seats in the middle of the classroom.
"Oh, Merlin" Harry mumbled to Ron and Hermione. "Hello, Professor."
"I had really hoped I'd see you at my book signing in Diagon Alley."
"Ah, sorry to disappoint, we didn't know it was happening, but if we had heard of it I'm sure Hermione here would have been sure to have us all there and at the front of the line." At this Hermione drove her heel into Harry's foot.
"She's a big fan of yours, you see." Ron added, earning an elbow to the ribs.
"In fact, if you could sign her copies of some of your books some time I bet she'd be thrilled. Wouldn't you, Hermione?" Harry said smiling at her.
This time, instead of a physical attack, Hermione discretely pointed her wand and him and whispered "Petrificus totalus." "That really won't be necessary, professor, I'm sure you're very busy." Hermione said.
"Oh nonsense, my girl! Bring them during my office hours some time. Anything for an adoring young fan. Isn't that right, Harry? I heard some boys in the hall saying you've been giving out some signed photos of your own."
Hermione had wrapped her arm around Harry's stiff shoulders and rocked him back and forth to give a sort of entire-body 'yes' nod.
"Well just remember not to let it all go to your head too quick. You've got a ways to go before you're me." Lockhart said with a smile and Hermione made the still frozen Harry give another 'nod.'
It wasn't until Lockhart had begun the day's lesson that she unfroze him.
"Bitch." he whispered as soon as she unfroze him.
"What was that?"
"Bitch – it's a derogatory phrase usually aimed at women, it can also mean a female dog. You can decide how I meant it there."
"I know what it means I was just hoping you might show a little more respect if I did that."
"No, you made your point, I just have such little respect for people in general, don't take it personally."
"I think Hermione's been hanging out with my sister too much. Just a few hours of exposure and our sweet, innocent little Hermione is threatening you with hexes." Ron said.
Hermione glared daggers at him.
"Kidding, just kidding. Besides, we all know you would have used the bat-bogey hex if it was my sister's fault."
"You froze me before I could ask him to make the 'a' in Lockhart a little heart when he signed the books for you." Harry said, disappointed.
Before Hermione could express her dismay they were interrupted by the sound of the entire class laughing.
"Pixies?" Seamus asked the professor between laughs. "That's the sort of scary creatures you had to conquer in your adventures."
"Among other things" Lockhart said defensively "It's not like I'm going to bring in warewolves for 2nd years and I think you'll find pixies plenty challenging. Now, Orville, was it?" He said to Neville, who was next to the cage of pixies "open up the cage and let them all out."
As Neville opened the cage the room flooded with pixies who started dive-bombing the students, sending the classroom into chaos.
"Calm down down, children. If you just send a simple stunning hex like-" but Lockhart was interrupted as one pixie knocked the wand from his hand and another flew full speed in to the back of his head, sending him diving for cover beneath his desk.
"So brave and heroic" Harry said in tones laden with admiration while smirking at Hermione "Clearly the books are all true. Now, why don't you try freezing some pixies this time instead of your heroic friend?"
"This doesn't prove anything" Hermione said as the trio went to work taking down some pixies to protect their frightened classmates. "Those pixies double-teamed him."
"It's alright Hermione, admitting you're wrong is hard to do... I've heard. Never actually needed to do it myself, but I imagine it's difficult. That's ok, though, I'm your friend and I know you'll occasionally make mistake but I accept you for who are." Harry said in overly sincere tones met with a bemused look on Hermione's face. "Even if you used to be a girl with a thing for much older men – which you are- and even if that creeps me out - which it does. So it's alright, I accept your apology." Harry said cheerily.
They spent the rest of class in a corner trying to pick off the pixies that got too close to their classmates who were largely hiding under desks. When the bell rang the everyone ran for the door to leave, including Lockhart, who looked at Harry, Ron and Hermione as he was going out the door.
"I'll... just let you three finish up the rest of these! Good work!" and he slammed the door.
"The picture of nobility" Ron said feigning a look of admiration at the door Lokhart just shut.
"Oh shut up, you two." Hermione snapped.
"I think it would be fitting to leave her to clean up her hero's mess. Since I already have no virtue I don't think anyone could think negatively of me for it, right?" Harry asked Ron.
"I think that's a good idea, and it's probably safest, too. Last time you tried to do something nice for her by getting all those books signed she froze you. If you helped her now she might freeze you and lock you in a cupboard or something." Ron agreed.
"If you two don't stop acting like prats I'm going to one worse than locking your frozen bodies in a cupboard. I'll test that bat-bogey hex your sister taught on you two." Hermione said sternly.
"Shit. She taught you that?" Ron asked, his voice waivering.
"We were just kidding anyways, Hermione. You know we like you too much to make you clean up this mess by yourself. We are going to have to talk about that temper of yours, however. All this talk of where to hide the bodies has me concerned for your health." Harry said.
"And ours." Ron added.
And with that the three said about finishing up the work Lockhart had deserted them to.
"That git made us late for lunch and I'm starving after getting all those pixies. I stayed out of it before but I think I'm with Harry completely now. There's no way Lockhart did anything he said he did in those books." Ron said.
"OK, Harry might have been right about Lockhart, there's a possibility he isn't as great a person as I thought he was." Hermione conceded as they made there way to the Gryffindor table.
"And?" Harry prodded.
"And what?" Hermione asked a little edgy, as they sat down.
"I think you forgot the part where you apologize for attacking my heroic merits and for hexing me in class and for threatening to hex both me and Ron."
"No, I think you guys pretty much deserved all of that, you especially, Harry." Hermione said.
"Did you use that hex I taught you on the train on Harry?" Ginny asked excitedly.
"No, only threatened me and Ron with it as a punishment for being correct. So thanks a lot for teaching her that." Harry replied, laying the sarcasm on thick.
"Well a girl has to know how to stand up for herself, right?" Ginny asked, grinning at Harry.
"I think I prefer the old Hermione, actually." Ron said.
"Yeah, she was much safer to be around and definitely would never have threatened her best friends with bodily injury."
A/N: Less than two weeks between chapters, I'm slowly but surely getting my pace back up there, this was a 3400 word chapter, too, plus it had lots of cannon references, so kudos to me.
I started listening to the Chamber of Secrets audiobook (the Jim Dale version, which is amazing, it's like sex for your ears) and Draco makes fun of Harry for agreeing to sign a photo and JKR's Harry totally pusses out. This bothered me because my Harry is, of course, not a pussy and signing photos isn't even an insultable activity (except maybe if Lockhart is doing it but that's because he's a git) so I had to correct this indiscretion by giving my Harry a shot at it.