It's been a while, here's a recap and it almost rhymes:
Hermione went home for Christmas but not before threatening Harry to find her rank on his list.
Turns out she's somewhere in the middle (which should only surprise you a little because Emma Watson may be hot but Hermione Granger was not. I mean, bushy hair and buck teeth?).
Ron ranked Hermione pretty well but, despite all her threats, Harry didn't tell.
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It wasn't until late in the night that all the discussion over what petrified Colin and Gryffindor's patron ghost had finally settled and everyone had gone up to the dormitories.
"Harry, you still awake, mate?" Ron asked.
"Yeah, just trying to figure out the whole petrification thing. I'd like to wrap up the mystery before break is over, you know."
"Uh, right. Well, about the list of girls..." Ron trailed off.
"What about it?"
"Well, about how, you know, I voted for Hermione to be third, and all..." Ron said, once again trailing off.
"Yes?"
"Well, could you... I don't know, maybe just not... tell her about that?"
"Are you sure? I thought it would be a really good segue into you asking her out."
"Wait, who said I was going to do that? I just ranked her third, I didn't say I liked her."
"And I didn't say that you said you like her, I said that you like her. And that's true."
"OK, so maybe I do, but I don't want to ask her out."
"I'm not sure anyone has ever explained to you how you start a relationship. You see, when a guy fancies a girl-"
"I KNOW that." Ron interrupted "I guess what I meant to say is that I don't think I can ask her out."
"You sell yourself short, mate! I've heard you talk loads of times! I think you're more than capable of speaking a single question."
"No, I mean... I guess I'm just scared to ask her out."
"What's the worst that could happen?" Harry asked.
"Uh, well, I guess she can only really say no." Ron replied.
"No, the worst thing that could happen is that she says no and then it's always awkward when you guys are in the room together and then I have to divide my time between the two of you so that you kids can avoid each other. Well, that, or she says no and then hexes you. She does seem to like hexing us..."
Ron moaned and rolled over in his bed.
"Relax, I'm just having a laugh, Ron." Harry chuckled. "None of that would happen because she'd probably say yes anyway."
"You really think so?" Ron asked hopefully.
"Sure. And if she says no it won't be that bad. I don't really have first hand experience at getting rejected but I'm sure it happens all the time and no one's died from it. You guys would still be friends."
"Hannah Abbott turned me down at the beginning of the year, it wasn't so bad." Neville chimed in.
"See? You'll live." Harry said.
"I just don't think I want to do that, not yet anyway, and I don't want her to know that I like her." Ron said.
"Well you've done a pretty good job of that. I can't imagine why you would want the girl you fancy to think you find her attractive." Harry said sarcastically. "That would just be ridiculous."
"Can you just promise you won't tell her?" Ron pleaded.
"Fine. Honestly, though, if this were any other girl I'd walk into the girls' dormitory right now and tell her."
"What makes Hermione different?" Ron asked, cautiously.
"Well she's my best mate, too, you know? You guys fight enough already; if you two were a couple you'd be insufferable. So, while I still think you need to ask her out, I'm not going to do it for you. Not yet, anyways."
"Thanks mate. I think."
"After that whole list thing she's pretty emotionally fragile. Acting now would give you the best odds to-"
"NO." Ron said firmly.
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"Anything romantic planned for Hermione, today?" Harry asked with a cheeky grin as they started down the stairs to the common room.
"You're just too funny, mate." Ron replied, deadpan.
"I'm serious!" Harry said, to which Ron simply balked. "Just kidding, I'm Harry, my godfather is Sirius. Seriously, though, it is Valentine's Day and I'm pretty sure everyone in school except for you two has figured out you fancy each other. What better time than Valentine's Day to make it official?" Harry asked.
"You don't know that she likes me."
"I swear, Ron. If this were anyone else." Harry finished just as they entered the common room.
"If who were anyone else?" Hermione asked from her seat perched curiously close to the stairwell.
"If you were anyone else." Harry said in a deeply patronizing tone as he placed his hand on her shoulder. "To breakfast, then?" He asked. And they began the walk to the Great Hall.
As they took their seats the school's owls were already busy delivering the day's valentines cards.
The three were halfway through breakfast and none of them – not even Harry – were visited by any owls.
"Either of you notice anything missing this morning, aside from a pile of letters in front of me?" Harry asked.
"Nope." Ron answered as he helped himself to some more sausages.
Hermione seemed to think about it for a few moments.
"You've been up almost an hour today and have yet to do anything blatantly offensive. In fact, the lack of valentines in front of you has actually done a little to restore my faith in the other girls of Hogwarts." Hermione answered.
"That was pretty close, Hermione, but the answer was actually Fred and George. Don't feel bad, though, I get those two mixed up all the time." Harry said as he got up.
"You think you know where to find them?" Ron asked, taking another bite of sausage.
"Yup, I think I can handle them, though. I'll just leave you two lovebirds to it, then." Harry said, making Ron choke a little on the sausage and Hermione blush through the look of disapproval she cast Harry's way.
Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room to the sight of the twins hunched over a pile of letters, each with the occasional owl feather still clinging to their robes. Taking care to be quiet, Harry walked over to them until he was at their backs.
"Hello, my treacherous friends."
The twins both turned around, surprised. "Oh... hey, Harry. This isn't what it looks like." Fred started with a nervous smile.
"It's not what it looks like? Good. Then thank you for joining me here, this morning." Harry began. The twins looked at each other, confused. "I've brought you both here to discuss my correspondence of late." He continued, with a gesture to the letters spread across the table. "It probably would have been easier to just let me take delivery of them but you two showed initiative; I like that. How's the sorting going, then?"
The twins were finally too confused to go on any longer. "What are you talking about, Harry?" George asked. "Seriously." Fred added.
"Oh, I was talking about my valentine's cards. I thought you were going to help me sort through them. Isn't that what you were doing?" Harry asked in deep tones of naïveté.
"Uh, well..." Fred started "We were actually just going to respond 'yes' to all of them." George offered. "You know, just as a joke." The twins answered.
"Really? Because that's actually exactly what it looked like, but then you said it wasn't what it looked like. What with us being such close friends I took you at your word because I assumed you would both know better than to try to prank me, a Marauder by birth."
"Well we just thought it'd be a bit of fun." George said followed by a poor attempt at a laugh. "You could, uh, write back to our valentine's?" Fred then suggested.
"I think not." Harry said, gathering his letters from the table.
"So, all is forgiven, then?" George asked, hopefully as Harry started toward the exit.
"Ah, but that would be telling." Harry said, ducking through the portal.
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"Today has made me embarrassed to be a girl." Hermione said in a tone of defeat as they walked to class.
"Oh, now you're just being dramatic." Harry said.
"There was a whole flock of owls dedicated to you before Fred and George found them and you've been sent enough singing dwarves to star in your own fairy tale."
"The people are no longer satisfied by a hero simply defeating dark lords. Every good story needs a few dwarves. Besides, I'm a good-looking guy with a penchant for heroism. I really don't see why you wouldn't expect girls to throw themselves at me."
"Because you're a womanizer, you treat women as objects, you-"
But, before Hermione could finish, another dwarf who had been trying to get Harry's attention pulled so hard on his bag that it split open. He then proceeded to serenade Harry while he, Ron, and Hermione picked up his things. The first-years they had been walking past found the whole scene rather amusing but Harry, Ron, and Hermione had already seen enough for the novelty to wear off.
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Harry noticed something curious as he cleaned the spilled ink off of his school supplies: the diary he and Ron had found was clean, all its pages as blank as the day they'd found it. Harry, seeing the room was empty, decided to try writing in it.
I'm Harry Potter. He started but before he could think of what to write next he saw the ink fading - as though it were seeping through the page – until it had disappeared.
Hello, Harry. My name is Tom Riddle. How did you come by my diary?
Harry had never seen a diary that talks back to you but there are stranger things than this, so he wrote back.
It was in a toilet, oddly enough.
It's a good thing I thought to use something more permanent that mere ink on paper to record my memories, then. I knew some people wouldn't want this diary to be read.
Who wouldn't want it read, and why?
Who? The person who tried to flush my diary down a toilet, presumably. The why? Well that's because terrible things have happened at Hogwarts. Things that were covered up.
Well you're in luck, Tom, because I'm at Hogwarts and I happen to be great at uncovering things. I'm a hero, you see. I'm actually working on uncovering the chamber of secrets at the moment.
I know about the chamber of secrets.
Go on, then.
In my day, they told us it was a legend, that it did not exist, but they lied. In my fifth year the chamber was opened and the monster attacked several students and killed one. I caught the person who opened the chamber and got him expelled. Headmaster Dippet wanted to cover the whole thing up, though, so they gave me a trophy and forbade me from telling the truth. The monster wasn't killed and the person who opened the chamber wasn't put in prison.
The chamber has been opened again and students are getting petrified. No one knows who's opening the chamber. Who did it last time? I'd like to get this whole thing wrapped up before the school year is over.
I can show you my memory of catching him, if you'd like.
Harry didn't even hesitate before writing:
Let's do it.
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Harry sat on his bed, the diary safely in his trunk, pondering all he had just seen.
If Dumbledore believed Hagrid opened the chamber, he thought, then surely he wouldn't have hired him. Dumbledore might be a little naive when it comes to people but this is too much even for him. Hagrid does seem to get in over his head, he was caught with a dragon last year, but he would never order a creature to kill people, much less muggles. On top of all that he wasn't even a Slytherin. What are the odds that a Gryffindor opened Slytherin's chamber? And then what are the odds that Slytherin's monster would be a spider? I mean their crest has a snake on it, for Merlin's sake!
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"Are you feeling OK, Harry?" Hermione asked. "You haven't had much to eat and you seem a little distracted."
"She's right mate, do you care if I finish that?" Ron asked, pointing to Harry's desert.
Harry gestured with his hand that Ron could have it and turned to Hermione. "We need to go to the library."
"Now I'm really starting to wonder if you're feeling alright. Not that I don't think it's a good idea to study more."
"This is a little more important than school work. You really think I'd go to the library on the night of Valentine's Day?"
Hermione looked genuinely concerned now. When she thought about it, this was one of Harry's favorite holidays and he was, to her dismay, even more himself than usual this morning. Something must have happened this afternoon, she thought, because he'd looked deep in thought - even worried - all dinner long.
When they'd all finished eating they headed to the library and found a quiet table.
"Alright, you got me in the library, what's this all about, then?" Ron asked.
"I think I've made some progress on the chamber." Harry began. "Ron, do you remember the diary of Tom Riddle we found?"
"Yeah." Ron answered, confused as to how a blank diary could be important enough to warrant a post-dinner library visit.
"Well I wrote in it, and it can write back. Not only that, it can show you its memories. Well, the memories of it's owner – Tom – anyway."
"So what's this got to do with the chamber?" Ron asked.
"Well Tom said the chamber was opened when he was at Hogwarts. I'm a little surprised we never heard about it but he did say the school administration tried to cover it up as best as they could. He said muggles were killed but he caught the person who opened the chamber."
"Who was it, then?" Ron asked, eagerly.
"Well that's where I find his story a little suspicious. He showed me a memory where he caught Hagrid and said that he had opened the chamber and the monster – supposedly a big spider – was what was killing students."
"Hagrid? As in the groundskeeper?" Ron asked.
"The same. And that's why I'm not sure I buy Tom's story. I saw Hagrid at Hogwarts in the memory and he was a Gryffindor, not a Slytherin, so doesn't it seem unlikely that he'd be Slytherin's heir? Plus, if Dumbledore thought Hagrid did this why would he hire him?"
"Dumbledore does seem very trusting." Hermione offered.
"I agree but I just can't imagine he'd let someone who had muggle students killed work at the school."
"You're probably right, but it is a little suspicious." Hermione conceded.
"Yes, but how could Slytherin's heir get sorted into Gryffindor? There's just no way. I don't think Hagrid's is the heir. That being said, I also don't think the spider is Slytherin's monster. His house crest has a snake on it, wouldn't it make more sense to have some sort of super-snake?"
"A super-snake?" Hermione asked, incredulously.
"That's why we need the library. You need to make a list of of things that can petrify students and ghosts the way they've been turning up. Pay special attention to snakes, or anything else associated with Slytherin. Ron and I can do some snooping and see if we can't figure out what type of spider Hagrid had and see if that fits the bill."
"I'll see what I can find!" Hermione said, excited to have an excuse to read through new books.
Harry and Ron headed to the door.
"So you're just going walk up to Hagrid and ask about the giant spider that got him expelled?"
"Well I have a suspicion it was our friend Tom that got him expelled but yes, I intend to ask him about the spider."
When they arrived at Hagrid's hut Harry knocked on the door.
"Ello, there, Harry!" The large man said enthusiastically. "And I'm guessing you must be one of the Weasleys. Ron?"
"Yes, sir." Ron answered, between uneasy looks at the large dog Hagrid kept as a pet.
"Well don't just stand there in the cold, boys, come in!" Harry and Ron entered and took seats at Hagrid's table. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, I was researching magical beasts and I knew that you know a lot about them so I thought I'd talk to you."
"Well I guess I do know a bit about magical creatures, don't I?" Hagrid said, trying to sound modest. "What did you want to know about?"
"Spiders. Are there any magical spiders? Ron here is terrified of spiders and I was just telling him that even magical spiders probably aren't that bad."
"Right you are, Harry. Spiders aren't so bad, especially if you get to know them."
"Get to know them?" Ron asked, sounding both shocked and appalled.
"Well sure, acromantulas can talk, you know. In fact, I'm good friends with one that lives in the forest."
"There are talking spiders here?" Ron asked growing a little whiter.
"Of course there are! They're pretty friendly, really."
"How big are they?" Harry asked.
"Oh, they can grow up to about 15 feet."
"See, Ron? Only 15 feet, they're hardly worth worrying over!" Harry said with a cheeky grin. "So are they very dangerous?"
"Dangerous? Not really. As long as you get to know 'em real well and don't go stomping through their houses they won't hurt you."
"But lets say you didn't get to know them well and walked into their nest, then what would happen?" Harry asked.
"Well they've got a really powerful venom, really rare, too."
"So this venom, would it kill you? Or, say... petrify you, for example?" Harry asked, as casually as he could.
"Oh, it wouldn't petrify you, no. Acromantula venom is mighty powerful stuff, Harry. I suspect you'd die pretty quickly if you got bit."
"And how long do they usually live?"
"Well the oldest one I know is about 50 years old, he's got a few hundred kids now, too!" Hagrid said, the joy on his face apparent.
Ron simply let out a small whimper.
"Well I think we'd better head back to the castle, then. Thanks for all your help, Hagrid!" Harry said, getting up.
"You two aren't gonna stay for tea and cakes?" Hagrid asked, disappointed.
"We'll have to take a rain check Hagrid, we've got to get back soon, we can't be wandering the halls too late, you know."
"Ah, I guess you're right, then, Harry. I hope you two can join me again."
"We'll try." Harry said pulling a still frightened Ron out the door.
When Ron regained his composure he said "Harry. There are HUNDREDS of deadly 15-foot spiders living next to the school. Why did you think it was a good idea for me to hear that?"
"Just look on the bright side, now whatever things Hermione has found for us can't possibly be as bad as this."
"What if Slytherin's monster is an acromantula and we have to kill it?" Ron asked, worried.
"Well if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that Slytherin's monster isn't an acromantula. Hagrid's friend in the forest is almost certainly the spider that was accused of being the monster which means that, if it were the killer, the chamber wasn't reopened because the spider lives in the forest. More importantly, acromantulas don't petrify, they kill and presumably eat their prey."
Just as they reached the library door Percy ran up to them.
"I found you! Where were you two? You need to get to the dormitories immediately. There's been another attack."
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A/N: I apologize for the inordinate amount of time it took to write this chapter. I hit a serious writer's block because I knew I had to get the actual plot going instead of just witty banter from Harry. I don't like this chapter as much as others I've written, either but it occurred to me after the 3rd rewrite that I should just get this out there so I can move on to other chapters. Harry's much more serious in this chapter than before and he'll be pretty serious in the next chapter, too, I think, but I think he'll be back to normal after that.
As always, I appreciate your reviews. Also, I'm thinking some people might prefer it if I put these author's note in my profile instead of in the story, let me know what you think about that. Also, this chapter's title was stolen from a song by OK Go.