Chapter 3: Only epic people speak Smurf

Hey Padawan! Good you're back! I am totally in a happy mood now. And I don't even have a muffin! I know, I didn't know it was possible either. You want to know why? Gehe.

You remember I escaped from my dorm to get some muffins, right? And Al (Albus Potter, to be precise), who had previously been knocking on my door, was a little angry with me.

Hmm? Yes, the same Potter as in my future last name. He's James Potter's brother. They even kind of look alike, but James doesn't wear glasses and acts different. And James is taller than Al. And hotter. And cooler. And smarter. And James doesn't hang out with slimy serpents like Al does. He's like best mates with Scorpius Malfoy. Ewww.

Anyway, Al was a little pissed because apparently, I hit the serpent in his face so hard that mister Slimyface was currently on his way to the Hospital Wing to get his nose fixed. I might even have broken it!

Okay, I know most people react shocked when they hear something like that. They buy flowers and chocolates and stupid charmed singing postcards that sing stupid songs about getting well soon. Hurry towards the Hospital Wing immediately and beg the broken-nosed one on their knees to forgive them.

But I am different. So I did the only thing I could think of at the moment. I burst out laughing.

What? It was funny like HELL!

Man, I can't remember ever having to laugh this hard before. It even made my stomach hurt, and I have an IRON STOMACH.

At least, that's what Rose keeps telling me. And according to her grades and at least half of our professors, she's always right.

So I believe her.

I don't even ask her what she means with an iron stomach, 'cause I can't really think of a way how my stomach became made of iron. Can't imagine any way how it could have happened.

…Or. Maybe. It could've been that time I swallowed my teaspoon.

What? You never swallowed a teaspoon, Padawan? Then you're stupid. Everyone swallows teaspoons. It's cool. Only the removal isn't nice. Believe me.

I bet Rose never swallowed a teaspoon. She's too clever for that. She thinks too much.

Really. She always thinks about something. I don't really get why she is in Gryffindor and not in Ravenclaw.

Example.

She takes Muggle Studies. The only Gryffindor in our year who did that. The only not-Ravenclaw, to be honest, who took it, except for that Hufflepuf guy, what's-his-face Carter.

Personally, I think it's because of the Weasly-genes, just like ol' Arthur Weasly. That's her grandpa by the way. He's nice, I've met him a few times. He's kind of obsessed with muggles, he collects rubber ducks and car parts and stuff. I remember I kept calling him Arnold instead of Arthur for the first two years. He didn't really like that.

His ears turned all red every time I called him Arnold! It was really funny. Rose does that a lot too, getting red ears.

I still can't believe she took Muggle studies. I mean, why would you want to know how to drive a car, or use a microwave, when you know that you'll never need to use it?

Stupid. Waste of time.

Oh, how I love magic.

I once saw a microwave. It had so many buttons, it seriously scared me.

Muggle devices are scary and different, in general. Except for the belly! That's real fun! I love watching the bell- …what?

A Telly? What's that?

Is it cool? As cool as the belly?

…

Oh. Har. Har. Har. That's funny. Lissa got the name wrong. Stupid know-it-all! But I forgive you.

Because the Telly is awesome.

I only watched it once, at Rose's place. Her mother insisted on having one or something like that. She totally owns Rose's dad. It's funny to watch.

You know what else is funny to watch? THE TELLY!

When I watched it at Rose's place, it was sooo much fun! I'm sure that one of the most genius muggles came up with the 'program' or whatever it's called that I watched.

It. Was. Genius.

I'm sure you'll think so too! I mean, even the name of the program is funny!

'The Smurfs'

Wahahahaaa! I know, right? Little blue happy creatures that all wear the same clothes and stuff! Brilliant! I wish we had smurfs in our garden, instead of pixies. They're no fun.

Poo.

But you know what's the most genius thing about the smurfs? THE WORD SMURF! I think, the word 'smurf' should be added in the official British dictionary. It'd solve a lot of problems.

What, you don't get it? Tsk. And you call yourself a know-it-all. Hah!

Hmm? Oh. Right. I'm the one who calls you that.

Sorry.

Anyway. The word 'smurf' can solve all your problems. There's no 'hakuna matata' or whatever that can tip the word smurf. I watched the telly in amazement, the way one smurf replaced random words for the word 'smurf' AND EVERYONE KNEW WHAT HE MEANT!

HOW THE HIMMIE DO THEY KNOW THAT? Really. They are bloody genius.

… Hey!

I have an idea!

I should speak Smurf too!

That way, only people who are smart and cool enough will know what I'm saying!

I AM BRILLIANT.

Okay, let's put this theory to use baby! Sorry, Padawan. If you don't like me calling you that, just tell me.

Oh. Alrighty. Let's try to move on, is that okay with Your Majesty?

…Huh, what do you mean, you'll have to ask her? STOP BEING FUNNY, PADAWAN.

That's my job.

"Hey Rose, could you smurf me one of those smurfs on that smurf, please?"

Ok. Now she sends me a look like I have turned bright blue or something. I'll check my hand, just to be sure… No. No blueness.

Hah. Now that'd be funny. Imagine everyone who uses the word 'smurf' three times would *Poof!* turn blue. Then I'd be a giant smurf by now!

But no such thing. Well, then she probably doesn't know what I'm talking about…

Pity.

I thought Rose was smart.

Apparently she's not. Or at least not as smart as the smurfs.

Smurfs: 1, Rose: 0! Go smurfs!

Rose should be ashamed of herself, she's the one who takes muggle studies and all! She's the one with the telly! She's the one who showed me the Smurfs! I bet that if I asked a random muggle toddler a question like that, he'd know exactly what I meant and answer in the same style.

… What, Padawan? You don't speak Smurf? Well, it's not as easy as it seems of course, so for this time I'll tell you what I said. Not that hard to guess really, since we're at lunch in the Great Hall right now. There's a plate of chocolate and blueberry muffins just next to Rose's right elbow. I'm on her left side.

If she knows me as well as I think she knows me, she wouldn't even bother to look at me and just GIVE ME A MUFFIN MERLIN HEXIT.

Or two.

Hello? Best friend starving here?

You know what? I'll give her one last chance. I mean, maybe she heard me wrong or something.

"Rose, could you please smurf me a smurf from that smurf?"

Ooookay, she keeps looking weird. Why does no one understand what I'm saying? Am I the only one on this PLANET who ever heard of the Smurfs?

Grrrmbl. I should find some new, better, smarter friends, shouldn't I, Padawan? Maybe some blue ones, who understandme. And I don't mean Ravenflaws.

"IS THERE ANYONE AT ALL WHO CAN SMURF ME SOME SMURFS, FOR MERLINS SAKE?"

"Why on earth, Lissa, would ANYONE know what you are talking about?" Oh, thanks Rose. Just because you're not epic enough to understand what I mean, doesn't mean nobody is.

Aaaaaaaaaand wait a second.

HOW exactly did those muffins get on my plate? Did Rose actually understand what I said? …Nope, she's still mad looking, only not at me for a change. Someone behind m-… GUHHH!

"Here ,Elisa. Good thing I'm around, if you would only have gotten some if Rose would understand that, you'd be on a muffin-free diet by now. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

Padawan, please tell me if I'm drooling. From all the people in this Great Hall thingy, HE understands me! *Squeal* WE ARE SO PERFECT FOR EACHOTHER!

Eh, now he winked at me. WHAT SHOULD I DO? WINK BACK? GIGGLE LIKE SOME CRAZY GIGGLEPERSON?

Help me Padawan? What do I do?

… Right. Be myself.

Hmmmm, now this is a good muffin.

What do you mean, you didn't mean that? I'm being myself! I'll smile at him, okay? But after that, NOTHING WILL KEEP ME AWAY FROM MY MUFFIN, MWUAHAHAHA-

Okay, so now he patted me on the back, got up and walked away.

Patted. Me. On. The. Back. And NOT near the shoulders. He touched me. NOW WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT? WHAT THE HIMMIE DOES THAT MEAN?

HE TOUCHED ME!

Does he like me? Does he? Sweet Circe, please tell me Padawan, does he? He gave me a muffin! Does that count? I really wanna knohohow! No, I NEED to know! NOW! Padawaaaaaaaaaaan!

What? What do you mean, stuff it? Well, okay… If you say so.

Yum. This muffin is even better than the last one.

That James Potter just makes everything better. Even muffins.

Padawan, shut it and let me plan my wedding in piece now. And let there be muffins. And smurfs.

You know, he even smells as good as he looks.

And I am SO not referring to the muffin.

A/N: Yes, I know. I am terribly sorry, this chapter took waaaaaaay too long. But believe me, I really wanted to upload much sooner! There were just a lot of annoying people and things that kept me from it. I was defenseless. Most of the chapter was done a long time ago, I just didn't have the time (or inspiration *shame*) to write an ending. But now here it is, complete with ending! Yayz! :D

As you might have noticed, I used a little less capital letters in this chapter. Some people told me that it wasn't that nice to read, and I read somewhere it made your story look less 'professional' or something. So please let me know if you like it better this way.

I hope you liked it, and if you have any suggestions, questions, criticism, you just want to say something random or just have the urge to make me feel better and tell me you like it, please press that pretty review button down there, or else it might get lonely!

Hugs and butterfly kisses,
-Nebiza