Chapter 4: How it all happened

Why, hello Padawan! How nice of you to drop by! You left so suddenly at lunch today, you missed a lot of action!

No, seriously. A LOT. Of action.

Mrah.

… How am I feeling? Fine.

Well, great, actually. Splendid, no, marvelous, to be precise.

'Cause my life is just so fudgeing DANDY.

What do you mean? Sarcasm? What's that? I don't know what you're talking about, Padawan. I seriously don't.

What? No, that isn't a real twitch. I'm just practicing again, you know? I told you earlier that I'm practicing a lot. Because Rose masters it so perfectly (Yes I'm still talking about twitches), and she does it so perfectly! I want to be able to pull off a perfect eye twitch too!

… I am doing just that right now?

Oh, well, mission accomplished then, I guess.

VICTORYY!

Haaaaahhhh. So now I have to look for a new goal in life. Next to marrying my future husband. Or well, maybe I'll wait with that for a minute too. I need to take care of some business before living happily ever after.

Padawan, can I ask you something? Why, for Godric's sake, do guys always have to be such a bunch of stupid seatsniffers?

No exceptions known to mankind! Or womankind! Seriously! They cannot be trusted, Padawan. They plot against everything that's good, beautiful, pure and Lissa-y on this world.

You know what I think? I think that if Voldemort had been a girl, that everything would've been all rainbows and unicorns again had someone given her a BIIIIIG can of Ben and Jerry's, some more chocolate, a trunk filled with muffins and some new shoes. And no, girls are not shallow. It's just how it works. But no, guys always have to ruin every. Caramelized. Little. Piece. Of. Joy. In. This. Big. Smelly. World.

I hate this big smelly world filled with stupid smelly male people.

Usually, I'd say 'except for my Jamesy-poo' or something, but not even that at the moment. I mean, he probably was in on this little ploy as well!

But the two Allihotsy-chewing, flobberworm-kissing, banana-rotting, bra-shrinking, QUAFFLE-DROOLING, SWAMP-SMELLING VILE MISHAPS OF MOTHER NATURE THAT WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED TODAY DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN TO BURN THEIR SORRY SLIMY BEHINDS IN THE DEEPEST CRYPTS OF TARTARUS FOR THE REST OF THEIR MISERABLE EXCISTENCES!

Haah. Okay, you know, that actually made me feel better.

But not enough. I still want to hit their smelly faces with a Bludger-bat until they're unidentifiable even to their own mothers. And then smear flobberworm-slimy-stuff on their faces, and then some lemon juice, of course. Or would it hurt more if I put the lemon juice on it first? Oh, and some boil-potions would be satisfying. And maybe I could turn them into frogs after that, and feed them to the Hippogriffs? Or no, first cut those frogs into dices and THEN feed them to the Hippogriffs. Of course, how could I forget such an essential point?

Anyway, sounds like a plan to me! Are you with me, my Padawan? Rose will probably be on our side as well, and Kyra will be with us as well if I promise I'll stop teasing her about her Pufflewuffle brother and his stuffed unicorn collection. And no, that is NOT a joke, though I thought it was one the first time I heard of it as well. It was so funny, we-

Hmmm?

… What is it this time, Padawan?

You want to know what they did to make me curse people like that?

Well, if you really want to. I'll tell you, but just because you're my padawan, and are here to learn stuff from me. And I want you to vow that you won't laugh at me whatsoever, or you'll be on my list as well.

And no, I am not kidding.

Listen to me carefully, cause I will say this only once.

Let's go back to the moment where you so mysteriously left, shall we? Remember, the smurfs, the muffins, the father of my future children… Yes, you got the picture again?

Okay, good. Now do you recall I felt his hand on my lower back and went all girly and… Oh, is that why you left, did I scare you away?

Sorry, if I did.

No, really. I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again, but then just make a few slight changes. Like feeling my back afterwards, throwing my fork at the Slytherin table and strangle Rose's cousin with my Gryffindor tie. Have another muffin.

As I said, just some basic little details.

Merlin, that would've spared me a lot of poopage today.

What? No, poopage is a word.

… Of course it exists! I just USED it, Padawan!

I know.

What? No! It's not w- different! It's how I am! I can't help it.

No, seriously. I can't.

As in, my own MOTHER cursed me into it.

Yes. Talking about cruelty, huh? I'll tell you the sad story of how my ability of seriously swear was taken away from me. Make sure you have enough tissues.

I was in second year, and I was like, totally awesome as usual. I was incredibly popular and everyone was in love with me and stuff and… Hmm?

Yes, that is true!

… Okay maybe not… But at least I just proved that despite of being cursed, I can still lie! Yaay!

Even though lying is bad. Don't you ever lie to me padawan, or I will kill you slowly and painfully. Using a blow-dryer, some soy milk and a SPOON. A wooden one. With splinters in it.

Yeah. Be afraid.

BE IT!

Anyway, I was in my second year, and I came home for the Christmas holidays. My grandparents were there, and Auntie Monica, and my older cousins and even more people so there were a LOT of people, and yes, all related. I was playing with my cousins, we had a lot of fun, until one of them, his name was Rico-

I know right? Rico Reader. Hah!

Well, Rico thought it was funny to 'accidentally' set fire to my closet. While in fact, it wasn't. So I um… Heh… Attacked him, yelling a LOT of naughty words some of my cousins didn't even know existed. And lucky for their innocent ears, unlucky for me, my mother heard me.

I know.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

I could swear I heard that when mum stormed into the room like a bull who had lost his favorite nose-ring but worse. She scolded me, in front of ALL MY COUSINS! I was so embarrassed. And then… I yelled back at her and kept swearing as the good ol' Gryffindor I was, and then one of my cousins started to cry. Still don't know why. I have a very pleasant voice to listen to!

And well, when she noticed I wasn't going to shut it anytime soon, she pointed her wand at me, ME! Her very own DAUGHTER!And did some scary wobbly wobbly kiwi kiwi spell, and all of the sudden I couldn't swear anymore!

I KNOW! HOW DARE SHE!

My own blood, turned against me.

Pity me.

She took away my right to swear that day, and I never fully recovered. Literally. Again.

Because she kind of still can't find the counter-curse for it, I'm still destined to be looked at strangely while I continue to rant about 'different wobblerfrogging forkers' and stuff. Ah, well, at least people often think I'm creative and stuff. And teachers can never give me attention when I say 'Aww, dude, that sucks Royal Hippogriff, those fudgeing greenhousedwarfs!'

And it could've been worse. I once heard about a man, who kept saying Voldemort's name when he was a little kid. And apparently that was dangerous back then, so his parents cursed him so he wouldn't be able to pronounce his name anymore. Still can't, for what I heard he still says things like 'Volximint' and stuff when he talks about him.

I wonder if Voldemort decided to call himself 'He-who-must-not-be-named', or if it really was because people were so afraid of him they didn't dare say his name.

Ooh, ooh, OOH!

PADAWAN!

If he decided to call him that himself, would it be possible that from now on, I will be named 'She-who-must-not-be-poked'?

Because I really detest being poked. Can´t understand how anyone could possibly like being poked. It´s awful. Who invented poking, anyway? Because I'd like to have a little word with that lovely person. And then smack him or her on the head with mum's frying pan and cut him/her with a spoon.

… Yes, a spoon. Maybe a wooden one, again. With splinters and stuff. Just for fun.

Why? Padawan, padawan. You clearly still have to learn a lot. Luckily I'm here to teach you. So, listen very carefully. Come a little closer. Juuust a liiitle bit more. Don't worry, I won't bite.

BECAUSE IT'S DULL, PADAWAN. IT'LL HURT MORE. And 'splinter' is a funny word. Just as 'spoon'. And 'flabbertasted'. And 'buffalo'. And 'stab'.

Mwuahaha. Indeed. Fear me.

Ooh! I know some people who I'd just love to stab with a spoon!

Ah, déjà vu. That was what we were talking about in the first place, isn't it? Right. Almost forgot. Different.

I'll just plainly tell you what happened, so you will team up with me and make them wish Death gave the three brothers more than just one invisibility cloak.

Let's just go back to where I (apparently) scared you away by *cough* squealing. Because he TOUCHED ME OMG! Blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Turned out, it wasn't him after all.

I know. GASP! Huge plot twist!

Disappointment, people asking their money back! Howlers in Merlin's direction, an angry crowd in front of the Ministry of Decisions and Unfairness!

It wasn't my lovely future husband who showed his affections to the only girl he'd ever truly love, no. The tissues are to your left, Padawan. Nah, it turned out to be that oh-so-darling brother of his, the goofy loon with the most DIFFERENT name on this side of the universe.

Albus Severus Potter.

Lightning. Dramatically zooming in. Cliffhanger, happy titlesong! Wonder what happened next? Please watch next week's episode of 'People Ruining Lissa's Life!', in which we'll continue this special about the biggest goaty-chewers at Hogwarts!

Oh wait, right. I forgot the preview. Poopies. On a stick.

You know what, never mind. The telly still has too many secrets for me. And the title of that show wasn't even that catchy.

Anyway.

It turned out that he, and Mister 'I-want-revenge-because-that-Lissa-girl-hit-me-and-broke-my-nose-Simyface-Malfoy thought it'd be funny to stick a bull's eye to my back (lower back, mind you!) and then told all the first second years (a.k.a. Hogwart's very own midget population) that it was a school project they did every year and that I was a volunteer.

Yes. They told those annoying dwarfs that I was a voluntary target they could practice their spells on, arranged by the lovely Hogwarts teachers we all know and love so much.

*Cough.*

Hmm? Did they do what you think they did? Probably, yes. Or no. WORSE.

There I was, walking through the hallways, as the innocent lovely person I am. Few seconds later: I'm being attacked from all possible directions, with little midgets trying to hit my behind with all sorts of spells.

This took about ten minutes, with me running for my life while screaming as if I'm some kind of maniac (which I'm not.) and the tiny peoples chasing after me as if I destroyed the only fun ride on a muggle funfair (which, obviously, I didn't. Mind you) and replaced it with a stand that only sells sardines.

I still don't know what was worse. The kids who got their spells right, or the ones who got them all wrong. I still can't sit properly (it BURNS!), my hair has red and purple strands in it (which I have to admit, would be cool, if I had chosen it myself and if they hadn't cut off random strands of my hair as well, so now it looks like someone threw two tubes of paint on a birds' nest and put it on my head as a joke (which sounds like a plan, next time, Malfoy's head is to be nestified!)) and I honestly don't know what other horrible things would've happened to me if it wasn't for one of my favourite people in the world, next to Jamesy-poo, the inventor of muffins, John Lennon (even though he's kind of dead. Stuff it, he was AWESOME) and Santa.

Indeed. Rose Weasley.

My saving red-headed angel. I told you she loves me!

At times like that, I thank whoever it is that decides all that stuff down here for throwing dear Rose in my direction. Or, well, making me land on her. Whatever.

Anyway, she kind of saved my LIFE by scaring those awful midgets away and making sure my skirt wasn't on fire anymore.

Aaah, you gotta love Rose. She's just amaaaaazing. Especially when it comes to burns. And scaring away midgets.

So now, I am kind of seething with anger. That Slimyface deserved that punch! He started it, after all. He. Touched. My. Couch.

So now I'm obliged to return the favor, if you know what I mean. Ah, there, you DO know what I mean! Yay for you! You deserve a muffin!

But no. I am not sticking anything to their back. Eww.

Juust have to think of some kind of revenge plan. But THERE WILL BE ONE, I SWEAR!

"Hey Lissa. I like what you did with your hair!"

WHO DISRESPECTING LISSA?

While plotting, for crying out loud? Can't they see I'm busy? I'- Oh saladbowl. Gotta be nice. Share a room with her, knows where my underwear and journal lie, and stuff like that. It's Kyra Felort. She's all right.

"Thanks! Though it wasn't really my idea. In fact, I didn't do anything with it. Blame the dwarfs."

I only sound a little bitter, don't I?

"Awh, yeah, I heard about that. So not funny, Al should know better. Does it hurt when you sit? Well, at least it looks good on you. See it as revenge." she says with a wink.

See? I told you. She's all right.

Maybe I don't even have to stop laughing at her brother to make her join my revenge plan. As soon as I have a revenge plan.

"Mwah. It hurts. But at least I can sit on my couch again without having slimy gits on it."

I am just SO charming! Why isn't James pouncing on me yet, or something?

"Talking about revenge. Would you mind helping me out on that?"

Ooh, she can quirk an eyebrow! I want to do that too!

Okay. I just got a new goal in my life.

"What exactly do you have in mind, Lissa? I know I'm a Gryffindor and all, but I don't like detention that much. And if my dad hears of it…"

"Noooo, noooo! Of course not, it's completely harmless! Don't worry, they won't even have a reason to detain us." Because we won't get caught. Booyah!

Ooh, the eyebrow trick again!

"You sure? What're you planning then?"

"Errr…"

WHY, oh, why does everyone always want to know what they have to do before they agree to doing it? Why can't it ever be like 'Hey, can you do me a favor?' 'Suuure, just tell me when I have to do something. I don't care if I get caught, and of course you don't have to pay me! Just let me know when I should report for duty, do you want a muffin?'

My life would be SO much easier that way.

"To be honest, I'm not sure how I'm going to make them pay for what they did… But I do know that they will PAY!"

There. She only looks slightly terrified now.

"Um, okay… I'll… think about it, kay? Have to go now, my brother said he had lost his collectors item 'Mr. Cuddles' somewhere and-"

BWAHAHAAAAH.

Okay. Sorry. See what I mean, that's the Pufflewuffle I like to tease her with.

'Mr. Cuddles'.

Heh.

Whah, okay, I think I kind of snorted or something, because she stopped talking. And is looking at me strangely now.

"Erm, I don't know where it-he, sorry, is, if that helps...?"

"Right. I'll see you later, Elisa."

Ouch. That look almost burnt as bad as the spell of that First Year with that incredibly long neck. Who decided that those little First Years are allowed to learn dangerous spells like that, anyway?

She's kind of protective of her brother. I wish I had an older brother or sister who could beat those annoying slugheads for me, that'd save me a lot of skeeming.

True Gryffindor, Kyra I mean. Loyal to her unicorn-loving brother. The one I just made fun of. Again.

Maybe I shouldn't count Kyra in just yet.

Just for sure.

Ah, would you look at that. Mister Albus Stupidname Potter graces the commonroom with his presence. Isn't that nice.

I look around for the closest wasp-nest to throw at him, but unfortunately, there's none to be seen.

Pity.

"I just loooove what you did to your hair, Elisa." Gah, could someone just make that annoying smirk disappear from his face? I don't care if it hurts him in the process…? Anyone?

Sigh. No one here loves me.

Ooh, ooh, wait! Let me roll my eyes in annoyance before I say something!

"Thanks, Albus. I'm glad at least some- hey! Is that a stuffed unicorn?"

Okay, didn't expect that one. Looks like little Albus is hiding a large pink stuffed rainbow-pony behind his back! Isn't that just cute?

"Um, no?" he splutters, walking towards his dorm real fast now. I try to catch a last glance of the unicorn, now WHY didn't I have a muggle camera or something with me? … And WHY did I just see a little card on that stuffed unicorn saying 'Mr. Cuddles, property of Justin Felort'?

Hmm. Looks like I'm not the only one teasing Kyra and her brother today.

A/N: AAAAAAH! NOOO! Don't kill me yet, or something equally painful/humiliating! I know, this took way too long. Again. But I tried, I really tried to finish it earlier! I just happen to have a LIFE all of the sudden! For example, I'm going on holiday for 4 weeks TOMORROW! And here I am, faithfully finally finishing my chapter before leaving. Ahhh. I know. Isn't that sweet? I know it is.

So, I'd like to thank the lovely reviewers who don't think it's a waste of time to tell me what they think of this story (YAY!) and apparently happen to like it as well (DOUBLE YAY!). If you don't think I should die in a hole or something, because this is absolute crap, please review, maybe, if all of you review, I'll feel guilty for not updating more often and start writing the next chapter already :P But of course, no pressure.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to a few lovely peoples, who I hope already know it's them now that I mentioned them. Cause they are EPIC. Of course, I mean my dear friend xNomii, whose laptop crashed and cannot... read... this... Poo.
Anyway, I'd also like to mention some of the lovely peoples I know from this RPG site, golden-age DOT forumotion DOT com! Everyone who was craving for this chapter should thank them, since they forced me to continue :P

I hope you all recognised quotes and jokes I put *cough*stole*cough* in this chapter, please let me know what you thought about it and yadda yadda yadda!

BYE!

Loooooove, hugs and butterfly rainbowponykisses,

Your faithful, postphoning, lovely favorite writer (who WILL punish herself (but is NOT a house-elf) for updating this late),

Nebizaa..