Reno, Elena and Rude stared at Tseng in astonishment.
'Tseng...' Reno raised his eyes to the Wutain's face.'Are you wearing a Speedo?'
'I didn't want to be naked in a room with two other guys!' yelled Tseng, a look of fury on his face.
Elena, who just moments before had expressed a desire to ravish her boss to within an inch of his life, sat down heavily on the wooden bench. 'I didn't even know they made those things anymore,' she said, mournfully.
The three men sat down, all the fight seemingly gone out of them. The Turks sat and waited to die. The fall of civilisation itself had not finished them, but it seemed that a Speedo might.
It had been a long week for Lucian. A long week, a long month, a long year... Hell, it had been a long lifetime, really. And now here he was, forty five years old, single, and running a frigging beauty spa. It was enough to make any man want to scream and cry and...
Well. Hello there...
One picture on the security screens caught his eye. In Sauna Three, a butt naked woman sat with three naked men... No, wait. One naked man, one guy in a Speedo, and one guy who appeared to have a snake in his lap.
Holy Fuck! That ain't no snake!
Lucian shivered, then quickly turned his attention back to the woman. Petite, blonde, nice rack...
He frowned suddenly. A small light was flashing on the switchboard. A light that should only flash at night. When the spa was closed. A light that indicated...
Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Lucian banged his head against the table. Hard. Sauna Three was locked from the outside. Meaning those three pervs and the hot chick were stuck inside.
I am so going to jail for this...
There was only one thing for it. Lucian quickly used the manual override system to lower the temperature inside the room. He then locked the door to the main office, just in case one of his members of staff chose this moment to come in. What he was about to do was so not legal. But if it kept him out of jail... Well. He wouldn't mind living in his Mom's basement forever if it kept him out of jail.
Lucian's spa was not just a spa. Sometimes... well. Sometimes it catered for other forms of relaxation. Other slightly more... controversial forms of relaxation. Which was why there was a mechanism in the system which would allow him to pump the rapidly cooling sauna full of laughing gas.
And by laughing gas, read roofies.
Tseng woke up feeling refreshed, revitalised... and really, really sticky.
He sat up, wondering briefly why he was lying on a deluxe, king size bed, totally naked, with Elena's head on his shins. And why was Reno on the floor, similarly naked, with a pillow not quite covering his modesty?
And why was Rude slumped on an overstuffed couch, holding a T.V remote at his...
Oh, man. That was no T.V remote...
Tseng winced. How the fuck had they gotten here? Last he remembered, they were...
Huh. Funny. He couldn't remember anything. Not from the last day or so, anyway. In fact, he didn't even know which day it was.
A loud groan emanated from the end of the bed. There was a slurping noise, as Elena liftted her drool covered cheek from his (drool covered) leg. She looked up at him. Mascara covered her cheeks, and her hair looked to be a similar consistencey to hay. She shook her head then winced, as though the action has caused her brain to swish round in her skull.
'What. The. Fuck.'
Gradually, Reno and Rude came round. There was no clothing to be found, but there were four large, fluffy bathrobes, and so the four Turks dressed in those. Tseng called for a cab, as none of them felt able to drive. They headed to the lobby together in silence, not daring to make eye contact.
On the main desk, a small fat guy, with a goatee beard, gave them a large, nervous grin.
'Did you enjoy your stay?' he asked, smile still plastered on his face.
'Yeah.'
'Sure.'
'Mm hm.'
'It was great.'
The Turks choked out answers through gritted teeth.
'So, you paid when you arrived, remember?'
No, actually, they couldn't remember. But their clothes were AWOL, as were their credit cards, so all four nodded. A bell rang, and the manager seemed to jump five feet into the air.
'Cab's here!' he cried. 'Thank you for your hospitality!'
The Turks emerged onto a small, but still quite busy, street in Midgar. People stopped and stared, children pointed, birds flew away from them. Just before they got in the car, Tseng stopped them. Without making eye contact, he said 'This never happened, right?'
'Oh, god no,' said Reno, quickly.
'Hell no!' said Elena, fervently.
Rude grunted emphatically.
Tseng nodded. 'Good. When I get out of this cab, at my apartment, I am going to go upstairs and bleach myskin until it bleeds.. I suggest you all do the same. Also, let's give it a few weeks, okay?'
Still not looking at each other, they all nodded. Then they got in the cab, got dropped off at their homes, and did as Tseng had said. Rude even had a chemical peel, to remove the top layer of his skin. Skin that may or may not have...
Ugh.
The Turks got over their experience. Eventually. They remained friends. Kind of. But they made sure they never spoke of that night again. Nor did they even mention the words 'hotel,' 'spa' or 'bathrobe.' Though, for some reason, any time Elena saw Tseng for the next five years or so, she was overcome by the almost uncontrollable urge to say 'Banana hammock!' But, of course, she didn't.