CHAPTER 9 – Holding On to Cold Air.
Rating moved to M for cursing in the previous chapter and sex themes in this chapter. Nothing hardcore or graphic, I just thought the rating change had to happen.
Lemonade warning. It's not too graphic, but it's there. Consider yourselves warned.
AN at the bottom, enjoy!
oOo
BPOV
Just like everything else, this was planned. Meticulously.
I knew this day was coming and that was why I was here. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and the look on my face said more than I could voice.
This was just every other day in the life of Bella Dwyer.
My face looked tired again. I missed the face I saw looking back at me just a day ago. Fresh, clean and healthy.
I didn't like the way I looked today.
I bit at the inside of my cheek and refused to break down. I inhaled a deep breath and when I exhaled, my feelings rose up in my throat and a lump formed in there, stopping me from exhaling smoothly.
But I didn't complain. This was my life.
I applied my make up the way I always did and curled my hair at the ends, letting them cascade down my back in soft waves.
I ignored everything. The top I had on rubbed uncomfortably against my collarbone, the jeans I was wearing felt too tight around my legs, the shoes I wore made my toes ache and the jacket I slipped on weren't warm enough.
To say that I was uncomfortable was an understatement.
In that moment, I was sure that I would've done anything I could to go back and re-live the day before. But I couldn't and I knew that.
I looked at myself in the mirror once more before I left and spoke aloud at my reflection. "You're Ben Hollis' girlfriend." I nodded at my reflection and plastered a smile on my face.
I clicked off the lights behind me as I walked out my small apartment and into the elevator.
Just every other day.
oOo
The restaurant was cramped. Filled to the brim with people. We sat in a table adjacent to the window. We were visible from the outside and people on the inside had a clear view of our table as well.
Just like everything else, this was planned.
Ben was going off about a script he'd read. I nodded and pretended to be listening. I knew what he was talking about; I just didn't care enough to listen.
"Bella… This movie is going to be it for me. I can just feel it."
I nodded.
"I'm going to play this young handsome guy," he paused to gesture at his face. "Who is a genius," he tapped a finger at his temple, "and is full of charm." He gestured at himself. "It's the perfect role."
I nodded. "That sounds great, Ben."
I had to do this, feign attention. I tapped my fingernails on the table as he continued speaking.
Our order came was served quickly and Ben was full of appetite. He twirled his fork at his pasta and swallowed it down with gusto. I smiled at his behavior and chomped down on my own bowl of salad.
"Bella?"
I stopped prodding the green vegetables with my fork.
"Hm?" I looked up at him, confused.
He looked genuinely concerned. "Are you okay?"
No. No, I'm not.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied, the words rolling off my tongue smoothly.
His brows were still furrowed together. "Are you sure? Did I say something…"
I was honest this time. It wasn't his fault.
"No, of course not."
His fork hung suspended mid air, his pasta forgotten.
"Bella, you can tell me anything."
I sighed and dropped my own fork. I clasped my two hands together in my lap as my elbows left the table. I shook my head, looking at him.
"No, I can't, Ben."
His lips turned up into a smile, "yeah, that's true."
His smile was contagious and I found myself plastering yet another smile on my face.
"Eat your pasta."
I picked up my fork again and the subject was dropped.
oOo
Ben's seemingly natural blonde hair glinted in the sunlight. My hand was nestled in the crook of his right elbow as we walked. It felt almost natural to me and I wasn't surprised. We'd spent a lot of time together as… whatever it is we were and with that came a weird type of… friendship?
Could I even call it that? I didn't know anymore. It started out as something innocent, professional… But of course, I guess I just wasn't immune to his charm. Before long, I served the role as his girlfriend… physically.
As hard as it was to admit, it was nice. My move to Seattle wasn't the easiest thing, considering my occupation and I was lucky that the agency kept me working. I got a month off to settle in my new home and then I went back to work.
I didn't know anybody here in Seattle and I felt completely alone.
Ben Hollis was my project. My client.
I ran a few ideas by him and by my boss, Jessica Stanley. I could remember so clearly, how she asked me to take on the role.
"You're perfect for this, Isabella. You have a clean record and nothing comes up when we research you. Besides, the economy is shit. We cannot afford hiring a girl for this. Do it, Isabella. Do it well."
2 months later, here I was. For the most part, my work was done. Ben had started getting new scripts and soon enough, he'd have to go back to LA and film.
We hadn't exactly discussed that topic yet.
But I was planning to. Tonight.
oOo
The photographers left us when we got into his house. I spoke as I took off my shoes.
"You have a couple of phone interviews set up for later today. And then you're free."
Ben nodded as he shrugged out of his jacket.
"Are you staying tonight?"
My mind flashed back to Edward.
"I don't know yet, Ben."
He walked over to me, a playful pout in his lips.
"I wish you'd stay." His arms wrapped around my waist.
I felt nothing.
I lifted up both my arms and placed them on his shoulders, my fingers intertwined.
"Did you open the windows again?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
I pulled away from his arms. I sat down on his kitchen counter, away from the open windows. He came over and sat his elbows on the counter, standing across where I was.
I cleared my throat nervously. There was no more pushing away this topic.
"What happens when you go to LA? I can't go there with you, Ben. You know that."
"Why not?"
I let out an uncomfortable cough as I tried to force down the lump in my throat.
"I can't just leave, Ben." I shook my head, adamant.
His face was twisted. "Well why not? You're not leaving anything behind here, Bella. Just go with me…"
I scoffed in near disgust at his words. "Not leaving anything behind? Ben, my life is here now. You're not the only thing keeping me here. I have a life. You can't make me leave that."
My statement wasn't a complete lie, but it wasn't the complete truth either. A part of me didn't want to go. Another part of me wanted to leave everything and live this life.
The air was cold and we were overcome with silence. The only sound in the room was from a ticking clock on the kitchen wall.
"I'm sorry, Bella… I just thought that because you just moved here… Baby-"
I shook my head and lifted it to look at him "Don't, Ben. Just don't, okay?"
He stood up straight, arms crossed.
"Well, why not?"
"Because…" my voice softened. "I don't know…"
"Don't know what, Bella?" His expression was cold and serious.
I dropped my head into my hands. "I don't know this. This... What are we doing, Ben?"
We stayed there in the silence for a moment before he walked over and plopped down on the stool next to mine.
I couldn't see him as he spoke. "I don't know, Bella. I just… I'm going with it, okay? To be honest, I don't want to know."
I lifted my head from my hands, my stomach knotting at the irony.
Thoughts of Edward kept popping up in my mind and I silently berated myself for thinking about him when we were nothing but friends.
Nothing but friends.
He pushed again, trying to gouge a reply out of me. "Do you, Bella? Do you want to know?"
Nothing but friends.
Nothing but friends.
Nothing but friends.
I took a deep breath and kept the lungful of air in me. I shook my head, my tone certain, contradicting what I felt in my gut completely.
I turned to look at him.
"No, Ben. I don't want to know."
He nodded and then proceeded to turn around, his knees touching my upper thighs as we sat in the stools. He wrapped his right arm around my waist and leaned in to my ear, his lips brushing the skin there softly.
He whispered. "Good. I like not knowing."
Maybe I should've shuddered at the proximity, feeling him so close to me. Maybe I should've felt sparks tingle across my skin as his warm breath grazed it. Maybe I should've felt… something. Anything at all.
I felt nothing.
oOo
I could hear his laughter pour out of the living room and into the kitchen where I sat. He was doing the phone interviews while I sat on one of his white couches, reading.
Who buys white couches anyways? They stain easily. Sitting on these with your jeans on stains them! They make no sense…
I laughed quietly at my inner monologue.
Time passed by quickly. It was a little after 5 when he joined me on the couch. I previously stretched my feet over the entire length of the couch and Ben lifted my feet at the ankles as he sat down and placed my feet on his lap.
I corner folded the page I was reading and closed the book, tossing it to the foot of the couch.
"What do you want to do?"
I wanted to feel.
I didn't reply. Instead, I lifted up my head, moving towards him. When I got close enough, I gripped at his neck and pulled his torso down with me on the couch.
On the stupid, white couch.
The hem of his white shirt was soft between my fingers. One of his arms was holding him up, the other behind my neck as he lifted my head up to meet his lips. I lifted up the hem of his shirt as he did mine. We were skin on skin now. He wrapped me up in his arms and I felt nothing but weighed down.
Suffocated.
He placed kisses on my neck and my head involuntarily fell to the side. His hair grazed the skin of my jaw and I put my hand over his as he touched me, because I wanted this.
I wanted him to touch me.
I wanted that intangible thing. The one that could make my heart swell and fly. I wanted my skin to tremble. I wanted my skin to tingle and tremble beneath his touch.
It's missing.
But I wanted to find it. And so I searched.
I wanted my lungs to burn as I breathed in air, to no longer feel so numb.
Anything. Anything at all.
Somewhere between our flurry of touches, he maneuvered us and we moved to the bedroom. He lifted my neck again, and then his lips were on my own. They're soft and familiar.
I still didn't find it. I couldn't.
My skin didn't tingle and tremble.
He stopped kissing me and lifted my shirt over my head, his tongue brushed mine softly and he moaned.
Suffocated.
Trapped.
His fingers move up to rub slow circles across my skin. Everywhere. At some point, I must've done something that made him think that I liked this because he didn't stop.
We fell on the bed in nearly no time at all and I watch the dots between the four numbers blink on the bedside clock.
5 blinks.
And then he was on top of me again. He reached down and ran his finger along the soft skin near my center.
I was fading away. And he didn't even notice.
He noticed my warm skin.
He noticed my presence and my weight.
He didn't notice the fact that my eyes were elsewhere.
He didn't notice that my hands laid unmoving beside my body.
I reach up and place my hands on his cheeks. I pulled down his head and caressed the hair on his neck and kissed him.
I was searching again. I was so desperately searching.
Trying to find a sliver of what I yearned for.
A simple spark, anything.
Our mouths fumble together and I kept scouring, rummaging through every single touch he laid on my body.
I looked for a feeling that would overwhelm me when we touched.
I looked for warmth to overcome and wash over me, head to toe, when we were like this.
I couldn't find it.
I tried and I tried. Eventually, I squeezed my eyes shut and I surrendered.
It wasn't there.
Ben pushed into me and my mind was empty.
Nothing.
I wanted to get lost in the feel of his mouth on my skin.
But I laid back that night and grasped at the pillow above my head and I listened to the clapping of our skin. I kept staring at the blinks from the clock. I counted the number of times the headboard hit the wall as he pushed into me, harder and even harder still.
40.
41.
42.
There were forty-three thuds before his back arched and his eyes squeezed shut. He didn't see me look away from him and back at the blinking digits of the clock as I waited for him to finish.
I grip his shoulders, not because I felt what he felt above me. I just wanted to feel the warm skin beneath my fingers. To prove to myself that this was all real. That in reality, that feeling I looked for was not there.
I wanted it, so badly.
He was here. Right here. On top of me, and all around me… And I couldn't feel him.
Nothing.
His breathing was hard and his chest was heaving and he leaned down to press a soft kiss on my lips.
Nothing.
I strained to move my own lips against his.
He looked at me once more, flashing a smile my way and I struggled to do the same.
The smile was weak and I almost didn't feel it pull at the muscles on my face.
But he took it.
He rolled away from above me and laid down on the sheets.
We were skin to skin, still.
There was nothing.
He bent down and grasped at the sheets, pulling them up to cover us both. The fabric was cold as it sheathed my heated flesh.
He was asleep in a matter of minutes. I rolled over and got up quickly. I was going to cry and I didn't want him to think that he caused this.
He didn't cause this. It was me.
Me.
I closed the bathroom door behind me and turned the faucet on, letting the sounds of the water in the sink be the only thing that occupied my mind. The tears were in my eyes but they didn't fall. I sighed, the breath pouring out of my lips in a shaky, ragged breath.
"Edward."
His name felt strange on my lips. Like they didn't belong there at all. I did not deserve him, and I knew that for sure now more so than ever.
I didn't deserve his attention, his friendship. It hurt me knowing that I was lying to him. But I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell anyone.
My own, dirty little secret.
I turned the faucet back off, and silence overwhelmed me again. I closed the bathroom door behind me and slipped back into my clothes as I scoured for them in the dark. I tied my hair up in a ponytail and walked back out into the kitchen.
I'd been grabbing and grasping and holding on to cold air. I'd convinced myself that perhaps there was something holding us together. Something more than our limbs and muscles and words.
I couldn't feel him.
My mind flashed again to the feeling I felt when Edward's forefinger touched the skin of the palm of my hand.
I felt that.
His single touch set the skin of my entire arm ablaze, sending ripples of trembles and quakes inside me. So completely different than the way Ben's touches made me feel.
With Edward, my throat and lungs burned when I breathed in air, full of electricity and sparks and magic.
I squeezed my eyes shut and dropped my head to the cold counter top.
The silence was so loud, it consumed me.
oOo
EPOV
I was in my sweatpants and shirt, sitting on my couch. I didn't find it possible to lean in though. My body was rigid and stiff.
My back ached from sitting up so straight but I couldn't help it.
It was nearly three in the morning and Bella wasn't home.
Was she spending the night at Ben's?
Not that it was any of my business to care.
Did she get hurt?
I winced and berated myself for that one.
My thinking did not quell the knot that sat in the pit of my stomach.
It was 15 minutes past 2 when I came back downstairs and left my business card with Charlie, making sure to give it to Bella when she got home.
That's a friendly thing to do, right? Wasn't it?
He was worried too, his eyes looked more tired than I'd ever seen them. I had to know that she was okay and Charlie nodded, understanding. "I'm sure she's fine, Edward." He tried to muster up a smile but it didn't reach his eyes. I nodded at him and went back up to my apartment, the elevator ride cold and uncomfortable.
I was worried sick. My brain told me that it was nothing, but my gut told me that everything could've been wrong. I looked over at the guitar case I left sitting haphazardly in my hallway. I couldn't even bring myself to pick it up.
I knew that I shouldn't care this much about a girl. A girl who already had someone else to love, no less.
My brain ran down a few scenarios of where she could've been at that exact moment. And I despised each and every one.
She wasn't with me.
I had no rights. I knew she was so much better off with somebody else. But I couldn't let go of the fact that yesterday felt so completely real and unreal at the same time.
I'd never felt so accomplished and happy at making a girl smile than the way I did in those moments we spent yesterday. My mind replayed the weird jokes and insane laughter we both shared yesterday and I involuntarily leaned back into the couch and my back rested in the pillows comfortably.
When I sighed, the walls shook and that was the only sound that filled my little apartment.
Eventually, I got up off the couch and into the shower. I was still worried about her but I needed to get some rest. I slipped under the cold covers of my bed and I was reminded again of how lonely I was.
I should get a dog.
oOo
BPOV
I was running, and I knew it.
But I didn't know what I was running from.
Was I just running from the possibility that someone genuinely cared for me? Or was I running from the fact that Edward made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt in my entire existence?
I didn't want to know.
Because this was my life.
Ben's hand ran up and down both my shoulders as he stood before me. His mouth came near my ear. "You're not leaving?"
I looked at my computer again for a second as I thought it over.
I had nothing to come home to.
I had someone who wanted me. Someone who wanted me here.
Somebody here. Nobody home.
He laid his chin on my shoulder and I knew that I probably should have felt something. My skin should've shuddered and trembled. My breath should've faltered. I didn't. Because I didn't feel him.
I turned around to face him, my voice sure and certain.
"No."
He grabbed my knees and turned me away from the table to face him.
"Good."
I let him lean down and his warm lips touched mine.
Nothing.
But I could get used to this. Right? Maybe I could be happy by just… being. He wanted me and despite not finding the initial sparks I yearned to find, maybe this could be okay.
This might be enough.
I pushed all thoughts of Edward behind me and joined my hands together behind Ben's neck.
"Good."
He held me close to him as he hugged me, I propped my chin up on his right shoulder as a tear slipped out of my eye. It created a small, dark patch on his shirt and I was glad that he didn't feel the dampness it'd created there.
I repeated myself for reassurance. "Good."
oOo
AN:
So… Tell me what you thought. I know this is not a Bella/Edward chapter but it had to happen. I can't just make those two fall in love with each other that quickly. These two are too broken right now and they need to see that to be able to fix each other. To make up for the suckiness of this chapter, I updated early and the next chapter will be so much better, I swear. And besides, this is the longest chapter yet :)
If I continue to update quickly, will you forgive me for this chapter? Oh, and that was the first lemonade I've ever written in my life. Tell me how it was. I'm so nervous about having you read that. But no worries, the rating bump to M doesn't mean that the next lemons will be super graphic. It will be pretty much along the lines of that one up there, but the future ones will be ExB, I promise!
RosAlice22 – she's my homegirl. My muse. My cheerleader… I want to drag her over here and give her an insane hug. Love you, hon. Thanks so much!
MidnightTrain – I don't know if she reads this fic but her writing is insane inspiration and PLUS we love Jensen Ackles and Supernatural and music that nobody else seems to like. Y/y? Yesh.
Fapfapzebra – my last minute beta. She accepts payment in breadcrumbs so I hired her. Lol thank you, irl best friend. (I'm afraid she won't look at me the same way again after that lemonade… Ehehehe)
To all my reviewers, especially those who have stuck with this story since chapter one...Thank you so much! To everyone who's added on your alerts, favorites, I love you guys. Oh and dear anon "hola", leave me an e-mail address next time so I can send you a teaser
As always, I'll try to get the next one to you in less than 2 weeks, but no promises. Leave me a review, because it's better than heartfail.
- Michelle.