CHAPTER TWELVE – Adrenaline and Fear.
AN at the bottom. You know the drill. Enjoy!
I forgot to add this disclaimer in the last chapter but… I own nothing.
This takes place just after Edward leaves Bella's apartment.
oOo
EPOV
I walked inside the Emergency Room of the hospital briskly, almost robotically. This was something I did without thought, and I felt at peace in a hospital. Everything I did here made sense. I knew that I was here to save lives and when I kept my mind at that, and only that precisely, I never had to question my actions.
This job was far from easy, but it was natural. I didn't want it to be easy, I accepted the challenge as it came. If it were easy, it would've been boring, and that was the last thing I needed it to be. Bored.
Tonight was supposed to be my night off. But I called in anyways, offering to work down at the ER instead of my usual spot in the pediatric wing of the hospital.
I needed the distraction. But most importantly, I needed to do something I didn't have to doubt. I craved the feeling of knowing exactly what to do and why I had to do it… I craved this distraction.
With Bella, everything I did was new. Everything I said, everything I felt… It felt like I was a freshman in high school, walking into class for the very first time. It was disturbing and unnerving but at the same time, everything felt completely great and interesting. My curiosity was piqued and it was at its highest.
When Bella had told me everything, I felt like the ball was in my court.
And I got scared.
I still remembered everything so clearly.
Her voice was emotionless and detached as she told me everything and I felt even more of douche as I recollected. I'd wished that I was an ignorant person, so that I would've been able to shrug it off like it didn't matter. But I wasn't ignorant and it did matter. I realized that this… This thing… It was huge to her. It was huge for her to have told anybody and I knew that she hadn't before because she told me…
Out of all people, she told me.
For a moment I found myself wishing that she hadn't told me at all, so that I wouldn't have gotten scared and ran away and avoided everything.
When she was done, I felt something. It was the biggest overwhelming sense and feeling that I needed to protect and care for her now. That I had to convince her that she was worth love and care and attention.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry but the word didn't click into place in my mind. I was sorry that it had happened to her but I couldn't bring myself to apologize to her on behalf of all those people she'd surrounded herself with who'd hurt her.
I was probably one of them now.
I wanted to protect her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be fine and that none of this was her fault. But all these urges of wanting to be around for her…
I wasn't good for her and she deserved so much more than me. But the feeling and the urge was there and I couldn't even attempt to mentally deny it.
So, I got scared and I got defensive. Alice told me this frequently but I guess I never really learnt. I get aggressively defensive. I was afraid that Bella was expecting me to say something and I knew that I wasn't ready to tell her anything.
So I fought instead. I blamed everything on her and I turned all attention away from me just so that I didn't have to get over my insecurities. I hurt Bella tonight.
She looked so guilty and defeated and tired, but I didn't know what I could've done to take all of it away. I wanted to tell her to fight back but there was nothing I could've done or said to her that would've fixed everything.
I just wanted to fix everything.
So that it would all be perfect and that things would click right into place.
I was being irrationally selfish. She'd just poured her guts out to me and I couldn't even bring myself to tell her that I cared about her, or that I was glad she'd told me anything at all.
But I understood things now. If there was one good thing that came out of what'd happened, was that I'd gotten a firm grip on what the circumstances of her life was for her.
I knew that if I wanted things to be alright for her, than I would've had to let her fix herself. I needed to give her the space she needed so that she could make her own decisions, and lead her life the way she felt fit.
I was going to have to willingly and purposely… distance myself from her. She needed time, and for now, it's the one thing I could give her.
Every decision I'd made in life, I'd made because I knew that it was going to benefit myself. I'd always been a selfish bastard and I knew that.
But this was Bella. In such a short amount of time, she'd become more than a friend, so much more than good company… She'd become my sun.
Inevitably, my life had started to revolve around her. I inconspicuously kept working the nightshift long after I was supposed to. I timed my return so that I would 'accidentally' run into her in the elevator. I'd gotten up in mornings much earlier than I usually would have so that I would catch her sometime before noon, coffee in hand. And there was that book.
When I'd picked up that book and stuffed it in my coat, everything clicked into place for me, even just momentarily.
My existence, my life, my routine… My happiness…
Bella.
I'd come to doubt, question and regret a lot of decisions in my life but this one was made without a doubt.
This would be the single most selfless decision I'd ever made. For once in my life, I put myself in the back burner and Bella was everything that mattered.
I meandered my way down through the chaotic ER crowd to the desk at the lobby of the hospital at the end of my shift. I crossed my hands and placed them down on the cold table top, looking down at the nurse.
"I want to switch shifts. These hours aren't working for me."
oOo
BPOV
I sat on my bed; a slice of the caramelized apple tart was sitting on a stray pillow. I was clad in my sleep clothes but it wasn't even remotely close to being my regular bedtime and I couldn't find sleep.
I exhaled, letting my head hit the propped up pillows behind my head before I reluctantly reached over to my bag, sitting on the foot of the bed, and dug out the book Edward gave to me the other day.
I sat up straighter against my pillows and examined the book quickly. The book had multiple pages folded in its corners. I turned it back over and started on the first page.
I divulged the book quickly and the apple tart too, soon enough, I landed on one of the corner folded pages. It was strewn with pencil markings and it had a quote underlined and quotation marks bookended the words.
I pray you, do not fall in love with me.
For I am falser than vows made in wine.
I refolded the corner page and continued with my reading, shrugging off the previous quote, feigning it as nothing. It wasn't long before I was reading off another marked page.
Dear shepherd, now I find thy saw of might:
'Whoever loved, that loved not at first sight?'
A small tear escaped my right eye and I brushed it away quickly, not letting myself admit to crying at all.
The book fell closed in my lap and I leaned back into my pillows for a moment, before I picked my head back up and examined the marked pages.
I wanted to read these first and get those marked quotes over with, so that when it was all over and done, I'd come to a conclusion that I meant nothing to Edward and that he should mean nothing to me as well.
I ignored the first two corner folded pages and looked onto the third.
You were better speak first, and when you were graveled for lack of master, you might take occasion to kiss.
I drew in a breath and flipped to the fourth.
No sooner met but they looked, no sooner looked but they loved, no sooner loved but they sighed, no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason, no sooner the reason but they sought the remedy;
I gulped and willed myself to continue reading, another warm tear slipping down my cheek,
And these degrees have they made a pair of stars to marriage, which they will climb incontinent, or else be incontinent before marriage. They are in the very wrath of love, and they will together.
The fifth corner folded page was the last marked one and I sat up even straighter as I braced myself to read it. The storyline of the play was now lost to me and these quotes were momentarily the only things that mattered. I pried the page open with my thumbs and the page fell open in my lap.
But, O! How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes. By so much the more shall I to-morrow be at the height of heart-heaviness by how much I shall think my brother happy in having what he wishes for.
My breath caught in my throat and I pulled the covers above my head as the thin book fell to the floor with a resounding thud. I willed myself to cry, but just for tonight. The pillow was wet and damp beneath my cheek but exhaustion pulled me under, and soon enough, I fell asleep.
oOo 2 days later oOo
BPOV
It was dark outside but the hurried shutter clicks of the cameras were unmistakable. We'd sat like this, curled up against each other on the stupid white couch for the past half hour. I closed my eyes and got up abruptly. This was getting ridiculous and I was going to have none of it.
I walked to the window, drawing the thick curtains closed with fervor, the rings holding the fabric up clicking across the metal bar and we were soon alone.
The camera clicks stopped and my shoulders relaxed at the absence of the noise.
"Bella? What the hell?"
My hand came up to my forehead as I turned around to face him.
"I'm done, Ben. I really am." The words left my mouth before I could catch and rephrase them but when they escaped, I willed myself to not regret it.
He looked at me like I'd grown to heads. I stared back at him.
He'd gotten up from the couch now. "What are you even talking about?" He paused. When I didn't answer, he continued.
"LA? Is this about LA? Because you know I have to go!"
"I know that, Ben. I do, okay? I'm not… I'm not going with you."
"What?" He looked like a blond goldfish out of water. I breathed in a sharp breath and repeated myself.
"I'm not going with you."
My voice held no tone of doubt and I made sure of it.
"Fuck, Bella! You can't do that!" His hands made its way into his hair and he was flailing, arms waving in the air as he stressed.
I felt nothing. Not a tinge of guilt or sympathy…
It was as if I was an audience, not a part of the play.
I'd gone through these words and this scene a million times in my mind. This was real now and it felt no different than when it was just a scenario in my head.
"Yes, I can. I'm not going."
I refused to let my voice falter.
His hand grabbed me harshly in the crook of my elbow and he harshly pulled me towards him. His chest was against my own and I could feel my heart thundering inside my ribs in a frantic beat.
His voice was heavy and thick as he spoke, enunciating each word out slowly to me.
"Are you telling me you don't feel this?"
I shook my head and turned my neck away from him, blinking away the tears that started to form.
"I don't."
"You're lying, Bella. You're fucking lying to me!"
I still refused to look at him and my neck was starting to cramp up. He was breathing hard, his exhales blowing against my hair, his chest moving against my own.
Before I knew it, his lips came toward me and I tried to turn my head away. He grabbed my chin with one hand and kept my face there. My hands instantly clenched into fists as I pushed him away. He gave up quickly, realizing that my lips didn't move beneath his and that the balls of my fist were thumping against his chest.
I turned my face away from him when his hold on my chin disappeared, still refusing to look at him.
He gripped my arm even tighter and for a moment, I was scared that he was going to shove me back at him again. But then proceeded to push me away, shoving me harshly away from him. I stumbled a little before I gained footing again.
Ben started to walk around the room, pacing, hand on his forehead.
"You're going to lose your job."
I choked back a snort. "I know."
My eyes followed his movement around the room. I bit at the inside of my cheek to try to regulate my breathing. I did not want to look weak in front of him. I refused to look the least bit vulnerable.
He wasn't going to coerce me into saying yes. I was adamant.
"You're going to lose your job at the agency."
I didn't know that.
"I know."
He turned around then, suddenly. It was unexpected and he'd started to move towards me again. I looked at him straight in the eye this time, watching him as he approached.
"You can't do this to me, Bella."
"I'm doing it right now, Ben."
He shook his head, his eyes narrowing into thin, angry slits.
"Why?"
My voice broke then and a small tear left my eye.
"I don't want to do this anymore."
He snorted. I wished I had earlier.
"What does that even fucking mean? You don't want to do this anymore?"
I shook my head. "No."
He took another step closer to me.
"Tell me what that means."
I stayed quiet.
I didn't know.
Another step.
"Tell me what that fucking means!"
"It means that I'm done, okay! I'm sick of being treated like dirt… Being followed around like some sort of deformed human being…." My breath caught in my throat and he took another step towards me.
His close proximity caused my breath to catch in my chest and the words I spoke came out in a croak.
"I can't."
I shut my eyes, not wanting to look anymore, and the motion caused another tear to slip down my cheek.
It was only for a second but that was all it took.
His palm came down on my cheek with a sharp sting and I fell to the carpeted floor at the force.
I struggled to breath, my hand coming up to cover my now throbbing cheek. The world felt like it was swerving in slow motion and every strangled breath I took burnt down my lungs and set me on fire.
It felt like forever.
But soon enough, time came swerving back into motion and Ben's panicked voice echoed in my ears.
A string of mutters and shouts of apologies and curses tumbled from his lips in a fluster and my eyes pried open at the realization of what the circumstances were.
I'd never felt this scared in my life.
My veins were now pushing pulsing blood, filled with adrenaline and punched through by panic and fear.
I pushed myself off the floor, my limbs haphazardly flailing in what seemed like a protective stance.
"Bella, are you okay?"
He almost sounded honest.
"Bella…"
His outreached hand came toward me and I flinched, taking a step back. Once I was sure I was far enough, I pulled my head up, looking at him in the eyes.
"Don't."
His hand came toward me again and I gritted words through my teeth.
"Don't touch me!"
I picked up my phone and keys from the counter and lifted my coat off the rack. My breathing was labored and heavy and I could still feel the sting on my cheek where his hand was.
The doorknob was warm beneath my fingers and for a moment, I wondered if my fingers were just cold.
It felt like blood had been drained from my body and I was left in a semi-conscious state, my mind muting out the sounds of the world. I pushed my hands through my jacket quickly and grabbed at the sunglasses in my right pocket, slipping them on and over my eyes.
My fingers were shaking so I stuck them in my coat as I walked through the crowd.
The sunglasses hid my puffy eyes and the sounds of their yelling and their cameras eliminated the small whimpering that pathetically made its way out my mouth. The crowd felt like it was pulsing around me and their movements hid my own tremors.
This time, the noises of the world were drowned out in ease as my mind stayed in its seemingly perpetual state of comatose.
This is not what I want.
oOo
AN:
I love Shakespeare. As You Like It is one of my favorite plays of all time, and aren't the quotes great? Like really. Sigh.
I know this chapter's late but I've been waiting to get internet so that I could post it for a few days now, I apologize for the lack of teasers, but thank you so much to everyone who reviewed!
Next chapter, Edward and Bella, all the way.
Tell me how much you hate Ben, I hate him too.
RosAlice22 just picked up and started writing the translation to this story again! I'm excited… Everyone, thank her. She makes me smile
A few other things…
Follow me on twitter, so you'll know when I'll be updating.
Personal twitter = letmyheartwin (but let me know that you're from FFn, I delete random followers)
FFn twitter = lemonschlemon (I rarely tweet from here but if you don't want to hear me rant about my life all day, follow this one for updates only)
That's all I have to say, folks. Til next time…
Give me one week; I'm almost halfway through with chapter 13.
Review!