"Well, isn't this a lovely day…or night…time to mess with something in a violent way that nearly everyone likes! First, I'd like to thank Zeldamaster456 for her review, even though I'm torturing someone she likes." The crowd gasps audibly. "I know, shocking, but to each their own. I would also like to thank Renee Springer and . for their reviews, as well. Welcome to the family of my reviewers, population…uh…a good amount!" The crowd goes wild for all of Foxpilot's reviewers. "Remember, the more you review, the more cheers and appreciation you get. Wow, that sounded…a bit pathetic, really.
"Anyway, to start, we have Epona to do the disclaimer! Epona, if you please?"
Epona trots out onto the stage and starts neighing madly. Then she rears up and knocks over the microphone stand, causing feedback to resound through the whole auditorium. Each member of the crowd holds their ears as Foxpilot winces. Epona then trots offstage.
"I really need to start getting characters that talk. Okay, I don't own Zelda and if you sue me, Epona will crush your head in. Or something like that. Let it…Begin!"
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"Hmm hm-hm…hmm hm-hm." It was another glorious day at the LonLon ranch and Malon was spending it well. If by "well," you mean de-ticking the horses. But her love for the creatures took the boredom and revulsion away utterly. "Aha! Another one!" Using a special comb she had gotten in Castle Town last week while her Dad, Talon, had been delivering milk—again—to the castle, the young redhead picked up the parasite on the horse's calf—Roamer being the horse's name—and sloshed fermented grape juice over where the mouthparts met the host's flesh. Soon, the tick released its hold and Malon pulled it off of the once-afflicted horse. As she turned to put the bloodsucker into a pouch, the rancher's daughter caught sight of a horrible blue monster heading in through the main gates. "EEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!"
Talon, who had been in the barn doing something—probably sleeping—poked his head out of the door and looked towards his child. "Malon? What's going on?" Malon only stared at her Father, but as the lazy rancher stepped out, she gasped and pointed a shaking finger at the monster.
Talon turned and looked at the monster, which seemed to be very peeved at the moment. "Ohohohohoho! We have a guest; a royal Zora at that! My, don't you look thirsty. The trek from Zora's Domain must have parched you dry with the continuous sun we've been getting! Miss, please come inside while I get you some water." Talon stepped away towards the well, calling to his daughter. "Malon, my dear, help our esteemed guest into the house, would you?"
Malon took a moment to process the information. This was a Zora, one of the fish-people that lived to the east? And was of royal blood? But she was all shriveled and ugly…probably the sun, as her Father had said. Malon rushed towards their new visitor and guided the Zora inside. Ew…she was so…so scaly! Malon could hardly hold on for her revulsion. The Zoras weren't soft and furry like a horse.
Once inside and the Zora seated, Malon went to prepare some food for their weary caller. The trip from Zora's domain was difficult, taking a day at least. Though Malon didn't know what a Zora ate, she figured that basic fresh greens couldn't hurt.
As Malon searched for something fresh, Talon came in with a large bucket brimming full of water. "Here you are, Miss. Take as much as you need. Oh, Malon, you're looking for food? Such a great girl!" Talon went to the cabinet and pulled out a tumbler for the royal Zora to drink from. As he turned around, he was surprised to see that the Zora girl had submerged her whole head in the pail. Several awkward minutes passed as the Zora just sat there, hunched over with her flat bean in the bucket. Eventually, the fish-girl, for she was clearly young, pulled her head up from the pail, looking rather refreshed.
"Thank you, farmer and daughter. I am Ruto, princess of the Zoras. Without your kind aid, I would have shriveled and died. Please accept this token of my appreciation." Princess Ruto gave Talon a silver crown inlaid with large, red rubies.
-Da na na naaaaaaaa! Talon received the Ruto Crown! This priceless heirloom has been passed down through the Zoras for generations. Certainly this is a gift to remember and cherish!-
The three beings looked up at the words that had scrawled themselves into midair, puzzled by the mysterious happening. As suddenly as it had appeared, the mystical text vanished, as though a button had been pressed. The people then carried on as if nothing had happened.
"Princess, I insist you stay the night so you can recover from your long journey." Talon's offer was well-received by the fish-princess, who offered her thanks once again. "Then it's settled. Malon, dear, why don't you show our lovely guest around the ranch while I finish making that dinner you were preparing?"
"Okay, Dad. If you would be so inclined, Princess?" Ruto nodded and followed Malon out the door.
As the passageway closed, Talon muttered to himself, "What piece of rubbish is this?" Holding the Ruto Crown in his hands, the Mario look-alike rubbed the jewels thoughtfully. "Hmmm…maybe some consumer will buy it at the market? Certainly she has several of these. Maybe I can get another from her…" Talon set the silver headpiece down and began to cook his famous Talon Surprise, but before long he had fallen asleep with his head in the sink.
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"So, Princess Ruto, what brings you to our humble neck of the woods?" Malon looked at the fish-woman with curious eyes.
"Well, if you must know, I'm looking for someone special. He took an offer of mine several years ago and hasn't made good on it yet. But I hadn't counted on how dry the air outside of Zora's Domain is, so I headed for the nearest settlement, which happened to be this lovely home of yours." Ruto was, of course, being polite. The ranch was a mess—horses and cuccos roamed at will, leaving untold amounts of…stuff…behind. There were crates strewn over the homestead and grass grew with free abandon. This was certainly no place for a princess. The wall to the barn even looked as though it had a bloodstain on it. When Ruto had asked, Malon had laughed and said something about a spider some visitor had shot.
"You're so kind to say that, Princess. I know our home isn't exactly the neatest place, but that you like it is certainly a blessing to us. So this man, he ran away?"
"He took my priceless treasure and promised to marry me in exchange, but that was seven years ago and I haven't seen him since. I think he may have run off with that slut from Castle Town."
"I knew somebody like that once. He came by, muttering something about errands for the Princess of Hyrule. I taught him a song on his first visit. He came back later, bought my favorite horse, Epona, and then disappeared. I haven't heard from him since. I'd be willing to bet that he's with that castle-cockroach of a royal heir. He really belonged here, with me."
"That's funny, the person I'm looking for probably ran off with that same princess. His name was Link."
"That's weird. I'm talking about a person named Link. He was a fairy boy from the southern forests."
"So was my Link."
An awkward silence ensued as the two processed the information. The ladies, one of ranch and one of royalty, slowly looked at each other.
"You mean—."
"He's mine—!"
"I saw him first!"
"Did not, fish-slut!"
The fight then broke out. Ruto tackled Malon, who responded by poking one of Ruto's eyes. The princess rolled over and grabbed the nearest hand thing. That "thing" happened to be a cucco. The Princess of the Zoras began to mercilessly swing the bird at Malon, who dodged as well as she could.
"P-put it down! You don't know what'll happen if you make it mad!"
"What could happen? It gets more rowdy and claws your face off? I like that!" Ruto increased her attacks, swinging wildly and forcing Malon to flee. The rancher's daughter ran into the horse pen, where she climbed onto Roamer, the nearest horse. Unfortunately, this only provided a bigger target for Ruto, who began to attack the poor equine mercilessly.
Then the cucco let out an ear-piercing shriek. Both ladies paused, stunned by the sudden, shrill noise. As their heads cleared, the women became aware of a rumbling in the earth below.
"Now you've done it."
"What, I triggered an earthquake? Big deal."
"No. It's far, far worse. I've only heard rumors about this; rumors that it's impossible for a normal person to survive this calamity. You, Princess, are about to be destroyed enti—."
Malon was cut off as a crowing made its way over the hill. This was joined by a second, then a third, followed by a fourth and fifth, each coming from a different point around the ranch. Within moments, thousands of crowing noises could be heard. Then their sources made their debut.
Over the ranch's fence, through the gate, and even from thin air they came. Feathers flew, the ground shook, horses tried to bolt, and even the Goddesses quaked. Ruto and Malon were suddenly surrounded by tens of thousands of the worst, most violent creatures in existence.
Cuccos. By the hen-load, cuccos.
Malon exchanged glances with Ruto. "You're on your own, Princess." As Malon slapped Roamer's flank to get it going, the horse, already spooked by the appearance of the ultimate warriors, reared up and dumped its rider off of its back. As Malon landed unceremoniously in a heap, she rolled face-first into a pile of…we don't want to know, really. Roamer bolted, and was followed by the several other horses in the ranch. The cuccos parted to let them through, knowing that the horses feared and respected their ungoddessly might.
Ruto and Malon were forced back to back as the menacing birds closed in. One by one, the mostly-flightless avians crowed a battle cry. Then they swarmed.
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An hour later, Talon, having been woken by the birdpocalypse, peeked out of the main farmhouse to see if the cost was clear. Gaining confidence from the lack of cuccos, he strode out to survey the damage. The buildings were intact, the fences still stood, and the grass, though trampled, was still lively. Only a patch of bald ground in the horse pen showed that there was any damage done.
Lying inside of this patch of ground were several things. Two fish eyes, a yellow scarf with a dragon-face kerchief holder, and a silver crown were scattered in the circle. Talon recognized the neckerchief instantly. "Malon…"
The next thing to register was the pair of fish eyes staring at him. Clearly, they were Ruto's. "Even the Princess was caught in the attack…"
The third part of the ensemble to register was the crown. It looked just like…"A Ruto Crown! I guess I should look on the bright side here. I don't have to worry about keeping Malon happy, and I get another treasure to sell at the market." Talon then picked up the crown, put it on his head, and then promptly fell asleep in the field.
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To this day, we don't know what exactly happened to Ruto or Malon. The eyes suggest they were killed, but the lack of blood on the ground leaves this open to debate. Perhaps the cuccos ate all of the blood? Perhaps they got away?
Haha, yeah, right. No normal person escapes a cucco attack and lives. To date, only Link can be confirmed to have escaped cuccos. But to this day, Talon holds the secret hope that Malon is alive yet, perhaps waiting as a goddess in the mythical Land of Cuccos. We may never know what happened, but we can say this: they probably died painfully and ignobly.
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"Whew! Sorry this took so long. Things are getting busy here, and the semester's wrapping up. Only a week-and-a-half left, really. But here it is, Ruto's death-by-cucco.
"I was requested to kill Malon as well, so I did. If you have a character you want to die or be tortured along with Ruto, please do tell me in your review. The requests are first come, first serve, so if you want a character torture, review quickly for best results. I will not be doing repeats, though.
"Don't expect too many updates for a while because exams are coming and the time will be busy. And I'm lazy. Thanks for your patience, though. Ciao chow."