Chapter 8 - Yesterday Is Over
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Finn rubbed his eyes trying to wake himself up. It was the middle of the night and he was so tired that he couldn't focus on the aisle in front of him. After the tenth yawn of the last five minutes, he finally gave up and pulled the phone out of his jeans' pocket and called again the last called number.
He yawned again just as Kurt picked up.
"What's taking you so long?"
Finn rolled his eyes at the impatient tone. "I'm trying to remember what you wanted." He wondered what Kurt would do if he and Carole hadn't moved back in before the Christmas break had started.
"Fish sticks, vanilla ice-cream and chocolate chips."
"Okay." Finn realized that he was standing in front of the pet aisle and sighed. "I just have to wake myself enough to get to the right aisle." He yawned again and started walking through the all-night supermarket.
"Damn, I'm so sorry Finn. I can come pick you up. I don't want you crashing because of me."
"No dude, you're sick, remember? That's why I'm here and you're at home." Finn sighed in relief when he found himself in front of the baking aisle. He picked up three packets of chocolate chips and then started looking for the frozen food section.
"I'm sorry you had to wake up and drive in the middle of the night," Kurt said.
"It's not your fault you have crazy cravings."
Kurt sighed heavily on the other end of the line. "Yeah… but I'm still sorry."
Finn balanced the phone between his head and shoulder and picked up the fish sticks and the ice-cream closing the door of the freezer with his foot. "I'm done. I'm going to be home in a little while, okay? And don't worry."
"Okay and thank you, Finn."
Yawning again, he ended the call and put the phone back in his pocket trying not to drop anything. Then, he headed towards the cash register.
"Finn?"
Looking up from the items he was putting down on the conveyor belt, he found himself standing in front of his best friend. "What are you doing here?"
Puck looked at him as if he was a complete idiot. "Working," he answered, pointing to his uniform and name-tag.
"Sorry. I'm still sleeping."
Puck started checking Finn's items out, glancing up at him for a moment. "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"
"Kurt wanted ice-cream with chocolate chips and fish sticks."
Puck looked disgusted for a moment before nodding with a frown. "The crazy cravings started?" He tried to hide the wistfulness in his voice. The thought that Finn was doing these kind of things for Kurt when it was supposed to be his job, was making him feel worse.
Finn nodded and yawned again.
"And he called you in the middle of the night so..."
"Man, I forgot to tell you. We haven't been talking a lot lately, have we? Me and mom moved back in a few days before the break started."
Puck told himself that he couldn't let himself be jealous. He knew that Kurt was over his crush on Finn, Rachel had told him that there was nothing between them, but the thought that Kurt was sharing his room with Finn, made his stomach tighten into knots.
"It's great that you help him so much," he found himself saying, trying to keep his mind away from picturing Kurt and Finn playing happy family.
"It's kind of my duty as a future step-brother and he's sick so he can't come himself." Finn rolled his eyes. "He already told me he was sorry I had to come at least a dozen times."
Puck looked up at him with worry evident in his eyes. "Sick?"
Finn frowned. "Yeah, but it's just a cold. Puck, why do you care so much?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Puck lowered his head.
"First you almost killed Karofsky. Then you slusheed Sam while he was holding Kurt's hand and you're always looking at Kurt while we're dancing and if I noticed… then every one else probably already has too." Finn took a deep breath and studied his best friend who was shoving his items in a shopping bag like he was hoping Finn would just leave already. "Are you... Do you have a crush on Kurt?"
The words sounded strange to his own ears because he was talking about Puck, sex-shark Puck. It was
totally crazy, except that Puck didn't deny it. In fact, his hands had stilled and he wouldn't meet Finn's eyes.
"Puck?"
"Here's your stuff," Puck said hastily, pushing the bag towards Finn. He wanted to tell him everything because he was sure that he needed someone to talk to and his only option, at the moment, was Rachel and she was on Kurt's side so it really wouldn't do any good. He wanted to tell his best friend that somewhere between throwing Kurt into dumpsters and hearing him singing, he had started to like him and then they found themselves having sex and it was the best he'd ever had. He wanted to tell Finn that he was going to be a father, that Kurt was going to make him a dad and that he had screwed everything up because he was too afraid of actually being himself.
The words were stuck in his throat and he found himself still pretending, because maybe Finn would have been okay with him having a crush on Kurt, but not with him putting Kurt through hell even when they had something going on.
Above all, Finn wasn't going to pat him on the shoulder and tell him, 'that's good man,' with the way he had left Kurt to handle everything on his own because he wasn't man enough to be honest about himself.
"I'll pay for these," he said, nodding to the shopping bag.
"Why?"
"Christmas present."
Finn grinned at his best friend. "You don't even celebrate Christmas."
"Whatever. You better go before Kurt calls you again."
Finn picked up the bag and stared at his best friend for a moment. "You know how you always joked about me being in love with Kurt?" Puck nodded. "You always sounded like you wouldn't care, you know? Like you were just waiting for me to finally come out and be with Kurt."
"I was just joking, Finn."
"Yeah but it still sounded like I could come out and you wouldn't care, you'd still be my friend and Kurt is my brother now so I'm okay with the whole being gay thing. I..." he lowered his head in shame and sighed deeply. "Man, I'm practically sleeping so I don't know what the hell I'm saying, but, I was a total jerk with him and you know it, but now I'd like to think I'm different so you know, if you are gay or have a crush on Kurt, you can tell me, you'll still be my bro."
Puck looked at his best friend without knowing what to say. He felt even worse at hearing those things because he was betraying Finn's friendship in a way, but he also knew that it was already too late. Maybe, if when things with Kurt had started he had told him about it, things would be different, but he couldn't tell the truth now.
"I'm not gay," he found himself saying and he knew that that much was true because he still liked chicks, he just liked Kurt more, but he didn't know if that would ever change, he didn't even know if he'd find another dude hot after Kurt.
He found it hard sometimes, to think about life after high school and his only consolation (even though he wasn't ready to admit it), was that with his kid growing inside Kurt, Kurt could never forget him. "Just take these things and go home to Kurt."
He hated how that sounded even knowing that his jealousy was completely unfounded.
"Thanks, man."
Puck barely nodded at him before walking away.
Finn drove home all the while thinking about Puck's reaction. Between his best friend and Kurt, he was always feeling like he was missing something.
Once at home, while he fried the fish sticks and Kurt mixed the chocolate chips with the ice-cream, Finn said, "Puck's working at the grocery store now. He paid for these things, said it was a Christmas present."
Kurt stilled his movements and looked up at his future step-brother. "What?"
Finn glanced at him for a moment before shrugging and focusing his attention back on the frying-pan. "When I said that I was there because you were sick, he was concerned and told me he was paying for these. You know, in the last couple of weeks, he's been looking ready to punch Sam whenever he touched you and that day at glee, when you fell, he was really worried, he even followed you."
Kurt sighed heavily, lowering his gaze. He wondered why, if he had never wanted to publicly acknowledge him, Puck was now being so obvious. He also really wanted to ask him what had suddenly changed, why now he believed him.
Finn put the fish sticks in a plate and put it down on the table in front of Kurt.
"Thanks."
"I like being helpful." Kurt didn't start eating and Finn looked at him worriedly. "Are you okay?"
"Sure, why don' you go back to bed? You're tired."
"Yeah, I'm sleep walking right now." Finn yawned patting him on the shoulder before going back downstairs.
Kurt didn't sleep that night. He ate his crazy food and then cleaned everything up. His mind was full of questions that he knew he wouldn't get an answer to until they were back at school in January. He curled up on the couch remembering waking up to Puck's fingers sliding through his hair and turned on the TV. He tried not to think, but his mind was focused on only one person.
*GLEE*
That year, Christmas was special for Kurt. While he watched his dad laughing with Carole and he opened his presents with Finn, Kurt felt complete, like everything he had ever wanted growing up, was finally here. He felt guilty whenever he had those thoughts, almost ashamed of what his mother would think at being replaced, but Kurt knew that they hadn't replaced her, they had just added someone next to her. Burt still loved his dead wife deeply and always would just like Kurt still couldn't call Carole "mom" and still wanted her to be there sometimes, but at the same time, they had managed to move on because they had to and because it was time.
Burt and Kurt weren't religious, but decorating the house with Carole and Finn, having a big dinner all together, felt amazing and Kurt only hoped that his kid could have that same sensation of being part of a family.
New Year's Eve came and went and soon enough school started again. Now that they were living together, Finn and Kurt went to school together and left together and when Kurt wasn't with Finn, then he was with Sam. There were times when he hated the fact that he couldn't be on his own until he was back home, but being safe was important in that moment.
On the first day back, Kurt looked for Puck. He tried to do it in a subtle way but he really needed to talk to him.
His chance came right before lunch break. He had a pass from French because he had to go to the bathroom and saw Puck at his locker. The hall was empty and so he approached the other boy.
"I wanted to thank you," he said, and Puck turned around to look at him.
"What for?"
"For paying for those things Finn got me."
Puck shrugged. "It was nothing."
"Well, thank you." Kurt turned around ready to leave. He had a question he needed to ask, but he didn't know how to do it. He felt a hand gently grabbing his elbow, stilling him. Kurt glanced up at Puck from over his shoulder and the boy let him go.
Puck took an envelope out of his locker and handed it to Kurt. "I started working at the market so I could help you."
Kurt looked from the envelope to Puck, furrowing his brow in concentration. "Why?" he asked, taking the envelope from the boy.
Puck looked at him confused. "Why what?"
"Why do you suddenly believe me?"
For a moment, Kurt thought he saw guilt flash in the other boy's eyes.
"I... I talked with Rachel."
Kurt nodded. "And you believed her but you wouldn't believe me." Kurt closed his free hand into a fist. "Why wouldn't you believe me?"
"Because I had doubts okay?" Puck said frustrated. "I overheard Finn and Mercedes talking about you and I started thinking that maybe you hadn't lied and then Rachel made me think and I got it."
He looked at Kurt intently, trying to make him understand that he was sorry and that he was acting that way because that was the only way he knew how to be.
Kurt clenched the envelope in his hand and looked away from the boy standing in front of him. "I... I don't trust you," he said quietly, feeling how much it hurt having to say those words.
"Kurt..."
"You didn't believe me and you hurt me and now..." he shook his head. "I don't believe that you want to be around me because…. Puck, you can't be there for me now and think that people won't figure it out and if you think for one minute that I'm just going to go back to being your little secret, then just stay away. I don't need money. I need..."
He closed his eyes trying desperately trying not to cry. "I need you to be there because this is your baby too and..."
He looked up at Puck not caring if the boy saw the tears in his eyes. "You never wanted anyone to know about us and I can't make you come out, I won't make you come out, but you have to show me that you can be different. That you can care more about your kid than people calling you names, Puck. I need to know that you care, not about me, but about the baby."
Kurt looked at the envelope, then back at Puck. "Thank you. I honestly never thought would do something like this." He stood there staring at Puck for a few seconds before turning around and leaving.
Puck had started working because that was the only way he was able to let Kurt know that he wanted to be there. He knew something else that would make Kurt understand that he was serious, but the other way implied coming out, at least to the glee club.
For a moment, he debated on whether he was sure he wanted to throw his reputation away, or what was left of it anyway. But then he remembered seeing his mother struggle to raise him and his sister, he remembered hating their father for leaving them alone and in that moment, he knew exactly how much he was going to lose and what he was going to have to face, but he felt ready to face it because becoming a father changed everything, it even made him want to stop running away.
*GLEE*
"Mr. Schue, I have a song I'd like to… you know…can I?"
Mr. Schue nodded and waved him over before going to sit down on his chair next to the piano.
Puck cleared his throat. "This isn't really my style, and the dude that sings isn't even Jewish, but I like the song and well…" he shrugged. "It's fitting." He turned towards the jazz band and gave them the cue before taking a deep breath and start singing.
"I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown
He resuscitates me
He fucking hates me
And I love it..."
Kurt's eyes widened and he stopped staring at the floor to meet Puck's eyes even for just a moment before Puck closed his and kept on singing.
"Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
'Cause when it's going good
It's going great
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on him
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength..."
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn," Kurt started singing softly unable to stop himself from doing so. "But that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry. But that's alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie."
He never meant to sing Rihanna's part because it was something that wasn't fitting for him, was something that described Kurt's feelings and not his. But when he heard Kurt starting singing softly, Puck looked straight into Kurt's eyes before starting to sing again. The people standing in the choir room now openly staring at them didn't matter nor to Puck nor to Kurt because this was between them.
"You ever loved somebody so much
You can barely breathe," he looked away for a moment trying to swallow around the lamp forming in his throat.
"When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
You swore you'd
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
'Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised him
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch him leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane..."
This time Puck was ready to let Kurt take over the song and watched him with open honesty waiting for his moment to sting again.
"Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded..." Puck found himself giving Kurt a lopsided grin and was happy to see him return the gesture.
"Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize..."
He stopped singing for a moment when he saw Kurt getting up from his chair to make his way over to him. He dropped his voice to an almost whisper when they were standing just a few inches apart. "I'm tired of the games, I just want you back. If you ever try to fucking leave again I'm 'na tie you to the bed and set the house on fire."
Kurt smiled at him swallowing the lump in his throat and wiping furiously at the tears that had started flowing down his cheeks. When he sang again, his voice was a little broke but he carried on nonetheless. Of all the things he thought Puck would do to show he cared, to show that he could be there, this wasn't one of them.
To see him standing in the middle of glee club, practically admitting that he had feelings for him, for a boy, made him feel like he was seeing that side of Puck that he only ever let show a few times when they were alone and in bed, talking, while they waited to start all over again.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie."
The music died away letting the silence fill the room. No one said or did anything for a long minute while they watched Puck and Kurt looking at each other as if they were having a thousands conversations simply through their eyes. Then, they were all startled when a chair screeched against the floor and Sam was suddenly standing.
Kurt closed his eyes because even without turning, he knew that Sam was staring at them. A moment later, Sam stalked across the room brushing against Kurt on his way out.
"What the hell just happened here?" Santana asked. She got up from her chair and walked over to where Kurt and Puck were standing. She glared at the latter crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Now you serenade to the fairy?"
Kurt shook his head not even wasting his time to acknowledge what she said. He looked at Puck for a moment trying to make him understand that they couldn't talk here with all of glee club staring at them. He walked over to his chair to retrieve his bag before excusing himself to Mr. Schue and leaving the choir room. He could hear Mercedes and Santana yelling at Puck demanding to know what was going on and Finn loudly saying, "Man, I asked you two weeks ago if you had something for him!" and of course Finn wouldn't understand that considering the song Puck had chose to sing, it wasn't about declaring love, it was about trying to make amends for past mistakes.
Kurt quickened his pace and was able to get out of the school while Sam was still there kicking at the wall. He walked over to the jock and with a voice that was barely a whisper, said, "Sam?"
The blond stiffened without turning around but stopping his kicking. "What do you want?"
"I..." Kurt reached out a hand as if to lay it on Sam's back but he stopped, closing it into a fist and lowering it to his side. "Why did you run away?"
"How can you be so stupid, Kurt?" he asked, his voice cold and hard. "You really think that just because he sang a song to you, now everything is going to be ok?"
"No, of course I don't." He took a deep breath and put his hands over his belly like he always did when he wanted to calm down. "I'm not that naïve, Sam. I'm not going to run back to him and play happy family or whatever you think is going to happen but..." he sighed. "Could you turn around please?"
Sam let a few moments go by in silence before slowly turning around. He met Kurt's eyes without worrying about hiding what he was feeling. He had been stupid to think that being there for Kurt was going to make the boy fall in love with him. He shook his head as if to get rid of his own naïve thoughts.
"What did you think that was going to happen, Sam? That I'd just fall in love with you? I needed a friend and you said that you could be that friend." Kurt lowered his gaze unable to look into Sam's hurt eyes. "I told you from the start that I could never love you like that. Getting back together with Noah or never seeing him again, won't change that."
"Why? He doesn't deserve you."
"I know," Kurt conceded. "I know that better than anyone else, believe me, but I love him and it's something I can help. It's stupid, I know, but no matter how much he hurts me, I'll never stop loving him." He swallowed and looked up at Sam again. "But I'm going to let him be there."
"Why?"
"Because I never thought that he'd say he loved me, least of all he'd do it in front of a room full of people. It's not enough to make things right between us, I know that I sang with him and now we will have to talk, but I'm not ready to simply ignore every thing that has happened between us and got back in whatever it was we had. But this baby is as much his as it's mine."
He took a step towards him. "He and I… we know what's it like to grow up without a parent and he's willing to throw everything away to be there for his kid. I have to let him be there. I'm selfish most of the time, but I can't be selfish about this."
"Kurt..." Sam shook his head and stepped forward, putting his hands on Kurt's shoulders. "He'll leave again and you know it. He may have said that he's sorry in a song, but he's going to hurt you again and..."
"People that love you will always have the power to hurt you, but that's not enough of a reason to stop loving someone. When I fell in love with him, I knew that it wasn't going to be a walk in the park but," he sighed and looked away again. "If it wasn't for this baby, I'd never have had the courage to walk away from him and now that he's willing to try, I'm going to give him a chance."
"I don't get you." Sam took his hands off of him and stepped back. "I don't get why you would do that to yourself. You think it's going to be easy to have him around you, around your baby and not give in and take him back? You're going to do it and you're going to regret it."
"I'm doing this for my kid, Sam, not for me. I don't want a boyfriend right now, whether it's someone as great as you or as bad as Noah and you have to respect my decision ok? I'll handle him."
"Then tell me what the hell you were doing singing with him if not giving in already."
Kurt felt anger rage inside him. "Look, I love you as a friend and I appreciate what you've been doing for me, more than you'll ever know but don't think for one moment that I owe you an explanation on something that is not of your concern."
Sam looked right in Kurt's eyes making him feel like he was being stripped naked. When the blond finally shook his head again, Kurt felt a sense of dread settling in the pit of his stomach. "You're going to get hurt again and when it happens, I won't be around to pick up the pieces."
"See, you're doing the same thing. You're hurting me. So how are you different from Puck? Huh?" He took a step backwards. "I'm so sick and tired of people being disappointed in me because I'm not meeting their expectations. I told you when you offered to help me that I was never going to love you back, so why in the hell are you playing the part of the wounded boyfriend?"
He could feel his breathing starting to get labored. He took deep breath and tried to calm himself down. He saw Sam's expression change from one of hurt, to one of worry and when he reached out to steady him, Kurt stepped back.
"DAMN IT!" he shouted.
"Kurt?"
He turned around when he heard Rachel softly calling his name. She walked over to him and hugged him even if Kurt didn't return the gesture. "Calm down. You need to calm down. Think about the baby." She started to rub his back until she felt him relaxing under her touch. "There you go." She sighed and pulled back trying to smile up at him. "You know that you have to take better care of yourself. C'mon, I'm taking you home." She looked at Sam like she'd look at Karofsky and Azimio.
Sam stepped back, letting them go and didn't even try to stop them. He simply stood rooted to the spot and watched them walk away, feeling ashamed of himself for getting Kurt upset when he knew that that was the last thing Kurt needed.