Chapter 15: Guilt is the Price We Pay

A/N: Sigh. I am doing better with review replies, but not where I wanna be. I'm juggling two jobs and two fics! Heh. I'm sure you'd rather get an update. Please know that every one of you reviews means a lot to me. Thank you for your feedback. Much love. Much love.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, as much as I want them to be.

"Why isn't Edward doing this with you?" Jacob demanded, not for the first time.

"You didn't have to come with me," Bella responded, trying to keep her irritation under control.

"No, I shouldn't have to be here with you. He should be here, and you know it."

Bella sighed. It was unfortunate that she'd been out to lunch with Jacob when Edward called.

After her conversation with Charlie the previous week , Bella had been feeling self conscious about how little she and Edward talked about the baby. As an introduction to the subject, she'd asked him if he wanted to go with her to do a little hands on research as to just what the baby needed in terms of clothing, furniture, and accessories. He'd agreed, but then that afternoon he called to bow out.

"His editor called him in," Bella explained. "Work is more important than this," she gestured at all the baby-related paraphernalia around them.

Jacob gave her a hard look. "Work shouldn't be more important than his daughter," he retorted.

"Jake," Bella grumbled, glaring at him, "can you please stop being over-dramatic? This is just research. I'm not even creating a registry today. I don't need anyone to hold my hand." She didn't sound as convincing as she wanted to. Looking around at an entire, warehouse-sized store full of baby supplies was a little intimidating. Surely one tiny infant didn't need all this … stuff.

"It feels weird, thinking about a baby shower," Bella said, changing the subject. "I mean, look... if I decide I need this stroller," she ran her hands along one of the seemingly endless line of strollers, "do I put that on the list automatically? This is a $300 stroller. Why would I ask people to spend that kind of money on my kid?"

"You're not asking them to spend anything, Bells," Jacob said, shaking his head. "Come on, even I know the point of these things. All you're doing is compiling a list of things you need. If your friends want to buy you a $300 stroller then fine, let them. If not there's plenty of little stuff they can get."

"Yeah, but is there some kind of etiquette I should be following? I mean, I was online the other day, and I found three different articles about how wonderful walkers are and three about how horrible they are. If I added a walker to my list, would half the people automatically think I was a bad parent?" Bella furrowed her eyebrows. "Is it even kosher to add something the baby wouldn't be using for months?"

Jacob burst out laughing. He put a finger to the scrunched skin between her eyebrows as if he could smooth them out. "You worry too much."

Bella was about to respond when she heard a familiar, tinkling laugh. "Is that..." she sped up, peering around the corner into the other aisle. Sure enough, there was Alice and Rosalie, arms around each other as they looked over breast pumps.

Before she could either decide to say hello or, more likely, duck away before they could see her, a man shoved by her. Bella stumbled, catching herself on a shelf before Jacob could steady her. Plastic wrapped items went flying. Alice and Rosalie looked up to see what the commotion was all about just as the man who had so rudely brushed by Bella raised a camera. He snap, snap, snapped several pictures of Rose with her arms around Alice before Jacob grabbed his arm.

"Hey! Watch what you're doing. You nearly knocked a pregnant woman over. What's wrong with you?" Jacob snarled.

The man didn't even bother to look away from his prize. Paparazzi, Bella realized belatedly. "Get off me," he muttered, wresting his arm away from Jacob's hand. He continued to snap pictures. By this time though, Alice and Rosalie had untangled themselves from each other. Rosalie looked horrified. Alice was glaring. How she, at five foot nothing and hugely pregnant on top of it, managed to look intimidating as she stalked toward the pap was beyond Bella, but it happened nonetheless. The pap actually stumbled backward a step or two.

"What do you think you're doing in here?" Alice demanded, getting right in the pap's face. Her hands were fists at her side.

He ignored her question, throwing out one of his own. "What's your relation to Miss Hale?"

"That isn't any of your business," Rosalie retorted, coming up then. The pap snapped another picture of her. "You know you can't be in a place of business harassing customers."

"How about I leave you alone if you tell me your pretty friend's name?"

"How about I call the cops right now?" Rosalie retorted.

The pap relented and turned, heading back out of the store while he furiously jotted down notes in a notepad he carried.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Rosalie spun on Bella. "You! What in the hell is wrong with you?" she seethed in a hiss.

Bella's eyes widened. "What?" she asked, completely clueless as to what Rosalie could possibly be talking about.

"How did you know we were here? What did you tell him about us?"

"Whoa, whoa. Chill out, blondie," Jacob interrupted, stepping between Bella and Rosalie. "What are you accusing Bella of?"

"She thinks I sent that guy," Bella responded numbly.

"How can you play innocent now? You think I'm going to believe it's a coincidence that you appeared the same second he did?" the blond woman retorted.

"Rose, how would she have known we were here?" Alice placated softly. "We only decided forty minutes ago we were coming, and we didn't tell anyone."

For a tense moment, Rosalie looked back and forth between Bella and Alice, obviously not believing that Bella had nothing to do with the pap showing up, but not having any way to prove it either.

Bella sighed. "Rosalie, look. I know what you think of me. I don't know what else I can do to make you believe that I have no interest in antagonizing you - especially not now."

"Right," Rosalie bit out. "Let's go Alice," she said, nodding in the direction of the exit. "I'm sure he's going to be waiting outside for us."

Alice tossed an apologetic look over her shoulder as she followed Rosalie out. From the tenor of their conversation, Bella could tell they were arguing. She groaned quietly, shaking her head to dispel the frustration that always came with an encounter with Rosalie.

"So that's the great Rosalie Hale in person, eh?" Jacob said, rubbing her shoulder lightly. "You and Jasper weren't lying about her. She's a real piece of work. And how different could her brother be if he was raised by the same people?"

Bella bristled. "Edward isn't anything like his sister."

"Those were your words a few months ago, remember? When you didn't want to trust Edward?"

"Well, I was wrong. I can trust him. I do trust him," Bella crossed her arms defensively, looking away from Jacob. "The Cullens are good people. Rosalie - she's just angry."

"And Edward is at work when he should be with his family, if that's where he wanted to be," Jacob returned.

"If it was important, he'd be here," Bella defended, but she could hear the uncertainty in her voice. They both knew that she had no idea if what she thought was important would coincide with what Edward's opinion.

She felt a light fluttering in her belly and wondered if the baby could sense her sudden anxiety. Taking a deep breath, she searched for a modicum of calm. For long moments her head swam with a mixture of fear and bitterness.

For a long time she'd wanted nothing to do with relationships. Despite her best intentions, one had found her, and now Bella wanted nothing more than what average couples got. She wanted the time to slowly discover the ins and outs and tiny, fragmented pieces of Edward Cullen. She was learning his moods, and finding out exactly how many ways he could smile. She was finding the good and bad side of each part of his personality. She was slowly learning how to enjoy his company as well as his body - there was no mistaking the comfort she felt even knowing he was in the same house.

What Bella wanted was the time to nurse and truly appreciate her budding relationship. But time, she knew, she was rapidly running out of. It was the last week of July. The baby was due in early November. It seemed unnatural to make decisions with Edward that would affect not only her life, but her daughter's when they were just beginning to figure out how they worked together.

"Bella," Jacob's contrite voice snapped her out of her heavy thoughts. "Jeez, you're going to gnaw through your lip. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to upset you." He drew her into his arms for a hug. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I just don't want to see you hurt."

"I know that," Bella responded, stepping out of his arms. "He really isn't a bad guy, Jacob."

Jacob pursed his lips and said nothing. He obviously had his doubts, but he nodded his head. "The little one seems pretty awesome though. I thought she was going to pop that asshat in the face."

Bella smiled. "Alice. Yeah, she's a tough cookie. I know I wouldn't want to go a round with her, even now." They started walking again, and Bella felt the need to feel the silence. "And for the record - the rest of the Cullens are pretty amazing people. I think you'd really like Emmett. I think you'd really like Edward if you gave him a chance."

"Stranger things have happened," Jacob allowed dubiously. "Ya know, if we get that blonde a muzzle, she might actually be attractive."

Despite herself, Bella giggled.

~0~

It took a while for Edward to recognize the stomach clenching, generally rotten feeling that pooled around his chest and weighed heavily on his shoulders. Guilt. He was riddled with it.

He remembered being a teenager - a very angry teenager - and getting in trouble for being found drunk and disorderly at the tender age of 17. His father had picked him up. The ride home had been the longest forty minutes of his life. Neither of them spoke until they were mere blocks from home. Then Edward had blurted out a question - if Carlisle was going to tell his mother what had happened.

His father sighed and grimaced, his eyes tight and lined at the corners. "I hate lying to your mother, but I hate that she would think she failed too."

As a teenager he hadn't really understood. As a man he now knew too well.

His lie to Bella was like bile at the back of his throat. It was almost too easy how the lie had slipped out. Mike called, asking him to come in. Though he knew damn well it was an easily rescheduled meeting, Edward called Bella and told her it would interfere with their previous plans. He waited for her to call him on it. She hadn't.

She trusts you, idiot.

He absolutely detested himself for betraying that trust.

On top of that guilt was the increasing pressure on his heart that nagged him with every beat that he shouldn't be a father. He recognized now that the disappointed, crestfallen expressions his parents often wore during his teenage years - and while Rosalie was fighting her demons - were not directed entirely at their children. No, they felt they had failed in some way.

Edward was beginning to understand the strength it took mothers to give their babies up for adoption. Intellectually he'd understood the concept: those women found themselves ill-equipped to care for a child and had selflessly given their babies a chance at having the kind of lives they deserved. But turning his back on a life he'd helped create was still an abhorrent thought to him, even now that he knew Bella was a kind, strong, intelligent woman capable of the kind of unconditional love that he wasn't sure he could ever master.

And the thought of losing Bella when he'd only just found her... It was unfathomable.

"Dude...are you all right?" Mike's voice cut into Edward's thoughts, making him jump. "You look like you had bad street meat."

Edward closed his eyes for one brief moment and forced himself to shake off the dismal feelings. "I'm fine," he assured, watching Mike take his customary seat behind his desk.

"Alrighty then," Mike said with a nod. He started up his computer and rolled his eyes. "You have to give me a minute here. I keep meaning to get this piece of crap replaced. It takes forever to start up."

"Maybe you should stop looking at porn at work," Edward suggested lightly, quirking an eyebrow at his editor.

Mike laughed. "What, McAffee doesn't catch every virus they can think up? Damn." He leaned back in his seat. "So, how's your girl?" he asked. "How's all that going?" It was an innocent enough question, but Edward found himself unable to answer at first.

Oh, she's fine. I'm avoiding her by doing much more of my job than I absolutely need to in order to avoid all baby-related activities. Is it possible to be a dead beat dad and still be around? Which is worse?

But it didn't really seem like Mike was looking for an answer. "I gotta tell you, I hope you keep that one around. Her friend Leah?" Mike whistled. "Well, I owe her forever for that one."

Edward raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Really?" he said before his filter kicked in. "I mean... no offense or anything but she kind of seemed...rough around the edges."

"Oh, she's a total bitch," Mike said, squeezing the hell out of a stress ball more because his hands could never be still than out of feeling any sort of stress. "But I don't know man, I kind of like it. How fucked up is that? I mean, she pretty much says exactly what she feels, and I can appreciate that."

Mike looked thoughtful for a moment before turning back to Edward. "I guess I figure that every bitch or asshole has to have a reason to be that way. I know Leah's. Her asshole ex-husband did a number on her." His eyes tightened for a moment before he looked back to Edward. "That doesn't mean she's not worthy of this." He spread his arms out, grinning like a jackass as he gestured at himself. "Am I right? Huh?"

Edward just chuckled, and Mike looked thoughtful. "You know, I just don't understand guys like that. Doesn't take much to do the right thing - no matter what that is. Just be honest. Even if it's gonna hurt, people deserve the honest truth.

"Sam - he didn't just decide from one day to the next that he wanted to be with Emily. Oh, no. He'd been smitten with her for years. He never should have agreed to let her be the surrogate under those circumstances." Mike looked back at Edward, his face slightly sad. "It would have made Leah sad at the time - but can you imagine how much better off she would have been? To have her husband admit to a crush on a cousin is loads better than losing her husband and baby to her cousin. If only he'd been honest."

Guilt was so thick in Edward's throat that he could hardly swallow. He breathed in through his nose, fighting the grimace that threatened to paint his features with shame. He cleared his throat. "Maybe you could tell me a little about why you called," he suggested lightly, changing the subject.

Mike's face brightened considerably. "Well, I had to pull some strings but I got you into The AFF," he announced.

Edward's mouth dropped slightly. "The American Food Fair?" he confirmed, though he knew full well that's exactly what his editor meant. "Mike, that's this weekend."

"You'd have to leave tomorrow. Early. Is that a problem?"

It felt like it should be a problem, but as Edward thought about it, he couldn't tell why. Bella came to mind, of course, but it wasn't as if they hadn't been apart for a few days before. Internally, he sighed, irritated at the disorienting feeling that was becoming his staple emotion. Technically, their relationship was so new things like business trips shouldn't have been on the table for discussion at all. Technically, their lives shouldn't have been that entwined that it would even matter. It simply felt odd to be away from the woman who was currently pregnant with his child. Emmett had refused to go out of town on business when Tanya was pregnant. It felt like the right thing to do.

"I don't see a problem with that, no," he finally answered Mike.

~0~

"No," Edward said again flatly.

Bella pouted at him, rolling her eyes. They were in her living room - Bella sitting on her floor with her back against the couch he was laying on. They'd both been brooding while they pretended to watch a movie. Edward's fingers curled into her hair, playing the skin of her neck like a tiny piano as he stared forward unseeing.

She had no idea what was going on in his head. Her own was filled with guilt; she still hadn't told him about Charlie catching them the week before. She hadn't told Edward that her father wanted to meet him, and she certainly hadn't told him about what had happened in the baby store. Since he didn't bring it up, she assumed that his sister and Alice hadn't told him either.

Maybe it was because she was looking for distractions, and maybe it was because she did, in all honestly, adore Edward, but when she glanced over her shoulder and saw his beautiful, pensive face, she let all her cares wash away as the happy, giddy feelings washed over her. She turned, getting up on her knees so she could kiss him properly. He was surprised but had eagerly returned her kisses, his hands curling against the back of his neck.

When she had moved down to his crotch, he stopped her before she could even get his pants undone, leading to their current standstill.

"Why not?" she demanded. "Don't tell me you don't like blow jobs."

"Uh, Bella... I'm a guy. I'm all for blow jobs," he assured, looking amused. "It's just...weird."

"Weird?" she asked, getting up and sitting on the edge of the couch by his feet. "It's weird that the sight of a stunningly attractive man laid out on my couch makes me want to do naughty things?" she said, innocently moving her hands up the inside of his legs to his thighs. "That's weird?"

Bella didn't miss how his lips parted just slightly as his breathing increased. He swallowed hard. "No, that's not weird. It's just..."

"Yes?" Bella prompted, letting the backs of her knuckles brush over the budding bulge in his jeans.

"What you eat, the baby eats," he blurted, his cheeks immediately going pink with embarrassment.

Shocked into stillness, Bella stopped her ministrations so she could gape at Edward. Then she had to laugh. "I don't have to swallow, if it bothers you," she said, waggling her eyebrows at him playfully.

He pursed his lips for a moment, and then smiled at her. "I have a better idea." He stood, taking her hand in his. Together, they made their way down the hallway to her bedroom.

Once there, Bella sat on the edge of the bed. She reached up to unbutton his shirt just as he reached down to unbutton hers. Neither of them seemed to be in any rush, just enjoying the intimacy of being together. When Edward's chest was bared to her, Bella leaned forward, pressing open mouthed, wet kisses against his skin. His fingers brushed her hair back, out of her face. The way he caressed her cheeks, down to the arch of her neck, and over her chin was so tender that her heart felt painfully full. She loved the feel of his fingers on her skin when he touched her like this. There was a sort of reverence to it. It was almost eerie - how utterly happy and content she felt in those quiet moments together. They were perfect minutes of time that no words or definitions could capture.

Bella tilted her head up, her breath catching in her throat when she saw the way he looked at her. It was similar to how she'd felt staring at the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls - like she was staring at the magnificent, awesome things that the universe could accomplish. But it was different because this was all hers. The look in his eyes belonged to no one but her.

It was then that she understood why every other poem, book, song, movie, image was dedicated to love. She understood why there were so many definitions, and how not one of them were right at the same time that all of were. Until that moment, she'd believed that love was an invention - a made up term that got romanticized sometime after the Dark Ages until it twisted and threw a gauzy veil over common sense. Maybe that was still true, but at that moment she understood it was possibly man's greatest invention. It was as close to creating the universe as human beings would ever be capable of. It was wondrous - in all its maddening, elating, terrifying, euphoric glory.

Wordlessly, Edward bent down to kiss her. His kisses were slow, serious kisses where his lips and hers only parted long enough to breathe. His hands cupped and covered each shoulder blade as he kissed her, just as her fingers explored the divot at the small of his back.

They were in that position so long, Bella imagined his neck had to be tired. She broke their kiss, stroking the back of her knuckles against the stubble covered underside of his chin. She could feel the smile on her lips as she looked at him. She tugged his hand as she scooted further back on the bed, then dropped her fingers to pull her pants down, kicking them off as she moved to the head, center of the bed. She grinned at him coyly, pulling her panties down and sending them flying over the edge of the bed. Bella allowed herself a moment to take in the way he was looking at her as he knelt on the bed - his tongue darting out over his open lips and his eyes devouring her naked body. Then she turned away from him, putting her hands on the wall above her bed.

She waited as the mattress creaked and dipped under his weight. It seemed to take forever for him to get to her. His fingers touched her first, sweeping through her hair as he pulled it gently back and then over one shoulder. Then his hands were at her waist, his large palms over each side of her hips. He'd told her once that he loved the affect her pregnancy had on her body. Over the weeks they'd been together, he'd watched her hips round out at about the same pace as her breasts. She wasn't heavy by any means, but curvaceous in that glowing, alive way that only a woman could accomplish.

His hands traveled slowly up her sides and over her back even as he scooted closer to her. The soft thrills he elicited were calmed as he pressed his chest to her back. His breath was warm when he put his lips to the space where her neck met her shoulders. As he alternated soft, hot kisses with slightly stingy little nips, his right hand moved across her front. He cupped one breast, massaging his thumb over her nipple in slow circles before concentrating on the second. His left hand brushed over her tummy, following the smooth, hard line before his fingers found her center. Bella moaned and whimpered, pressing her ass back against him. She could feel how hard he was getting for her, and she wanted him. Then, if not sooner. She almost sighed with relief when she felt him between her legs.

His name broke the silence between them as it fell from her lips. It was all the communication they needed. It was how much she wanted him and needed him in that moment, and how overwhelming this new feeling was. It was an unspoken 'I love you' because she didn't know how to the say the words out loud yet, but they painted the tone of her voice. The position wasn't very deep, but it felt wonderful, and gave Edward access to her body. He used his lips to cover her neck, shoulders, face and lips with kisses. He used his hands and fingers to play the rest of her - caressing and petting every part of her he could reach.

When she was close but not quite ready to come, Edward slipped out of her for the few, short moments it took to stack the pillows a little further down on the bed. He guided her backward, pushing her gently forward so her upper half was supported by the pillows and her ass was pointed skyward. He slid back inside her, this new position allowing him to find new, deeper pleasure points. The noises that slipped passed their lips got louder and more wanton. They moved together faster.

A few minutes later they were curled together in a lazy tangle of limbs - all sated sighs and sublime comfort in each others quiet presence. Bella's head lay on Edward's chest, the fingers of his left hand and her right playing with each other like children during a game of tag; their legs crisscrossed each other.

The baby seemed to stir inside Bella then, and made her presence known as she tap, tap, tapped a fluttery rhythm at the walls of Bella's abdomen, as if she wanted to join her parents in this happy moment. Bella moved her free hand to caress her belly, wondering if Edward could feel the baby move, but as her stomach was pressed against his side and he hadn't said anything, she doubted he could yet.

One thought at a time, reality intruded in the quiet, little bubble they'd retreated to. Bella stilled their playful fingers, holding his hand in hers. "When you get back... we really need to talk."

Her head rose and fell on his chest as he sighed. "I know," he said quietly.

They lay in silence for a few more minutes before Edward sighed again and carefully disentangled himself from her. He sat on the edge of the bed, and she watched him pull on his clothes with no small amount of displeasure. It was somewhat ridiculous, but she felt needy for him - like if he walked out of her home they would not find the connection that had flowed freely between them that evening.

Bella sat up when he was fully clothed. When he turned to her, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. "Call me when you leave and when you land?"

He kissed her forehead, her cheek, and then her lips. "I will," he promised, knowing better than to argue that he was leaving too early to bother her with a call.

In the next few minutes he was gone, leaving Bella with a strange, dull ache in the center of her chest.

~0~

The whole drive home, Edward kept on rubbing his chest, trying to soothe out the phantom pain that had settled there. He had no idea why it was so hard to leave Bella's house that evening. It was utterly absurd that there was an odd sort of finality to his leaving.

He had to admit to himself that he was scared. He didn't know how he was going to get through the conversation he knew he had to have without losing Bella. As fiercely protective as she had been since the beginning, there was no way she was going to accept less than his full involvement with their baby. Edward cared for her. More than that even, and he knew he would care for the baby as part of her. But there was a huge difference between being able to love a child because she was part of her mother and being able to love a child as an individual. Blood-born, adopted or otherwise, a father's love was not replaceable, and it wasn't something that he could fake. Bella knew that. She would accept no substitute.

He was going to lose her.

Edward was startled back to reality when his phone rang. He looked around, wondering how long he'd been parked in his driveway. He sighed, answering the phone without looking at it. "Hello?"

The voice on the other end of the line cleared his throat. "Edward Cullen?"

"Yes?" Edward sat up straighter in his seat, wondering who it could possibly be.

"This is Jacob Black - you know, we met at Query?"

"Right, of course I remember you."

"Well, I know this is kind of sudden, but I realize we didn't get off on the right foot. I was wondering if you would meet me for a drink tonight."

A/N: Thanks go to Barburella and jadedandboring for being too, too good to me. Even though jadedandboring is going to make me read Roseward ::shudders:: Give me strength y'all. I hate throwing up. [Hey, I said you could keep your bukkit.] *You just middle of the night beta'ed for me… I would read Carlisle/Bella for you and NOT mention the bukkit I needed*

So, I was amused to find out that most of you had babies who just needed to be present at their showers. Heh. Little people love being the center of attention, non?

I am also amused by how many of you sense that ish is about to hit the fan.

But, in the meantime, tell me about baby STUFF. It's amazing how much a little person needs. I was aghast at the price of a newborn stroller. Seriously? I can buy two computers with that ... jesus. What baby item took you by surprise?