Chapter 16: It Hits the Fan
A/N: *begins handing out hard hats* The good news is that I got to all my review replies (I think). And… this is the second post in one week! *tightens everyone's seatbelts* Okay, so ... a lot of you are new to my writing. Imma ask for your trust. Ride's about to get bumpy.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, they own me.
As Bella approached the station, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was very wrong. She'd expected Edward to call her from the airport. Instead he merely texted that his flight was about to leave.
As soon as she got to the station though, Bella had no time to worry about Edward or the nagging feeling that the other shoe was about to drop. Victoria had her running everywhere - it was just one of those days. Jacob called a little before lunchtime wanting to speak to her. Bella had to tell him that she'd call back soon.
The day went by quickly. There was something in the air - some kind of tension she couldn't name, but at least she wasn't the only one feeling it. Bella saw Aro and army of suits go by, and she wondered what was going on. He'd looked severely pissed.
"Bella," Jasper appeared in the doorway, breathless. He grabbed her arm and tugged her to her feet. "Come here. You have to see this."
Confused, Bella followed him to his own office. There, on the TV screen was the Ellen show. Ellen was currently talking to none other than Rosalie Hale. Bella looked to Jasper for further information. "She just came out on national television," Jasper said excitedly.
"The only reason I kept it a secret was for so long was because I wanted to protect her from any kind of scrutiny," Rosalie was saying. "I'm not ashamed of who I am, and I'm definitely not ashamed of her." She smiled fondly. "Alice is amazing."
"You can tell us," Ellen said, leaning forward eagerly with a friendly grin. "As a model, weren't you even a little concerned that you might lose some of your fans?"
Rosalie smirked. "I don't see why I would. Nothing's changed. I'm just as sexy as I was yesterday and they have just as much chance with me."
The interview continued. Rosalie's face lit up as she talked about Alice and the son they were expecting. Ellen touched briefly on Rosalie's notorious past, and Bella flinched when Rosalie made vague reference to her as 'the woman who leaked the tape, who I unfortunately have to see frequently.'
"Guess that explains why I saw Aro run through here earlier," Jasper said, chuckling as the show came to an end.
"He's bound to be furious that she went to another network with this," Bella agreed. A chime on her phone drew Bella's attention. "Oh, good. I gotta go Jasper."
"Cool. Dinner in an hour?" he asked.
"Yep!"
Bella walked briskly back toward the Access Entertainment offices, searching for Victoria. It took her a good twenty minutes to find her boss. She was leaning against the wall, chatting with a security guard who wore his long, blond hair back in a ponytail. His uniform identified him as James.
Bella cleared her throat, trying to get Victoria's attention. When that didn't work she said her name softly. Then loudly.
"What?" Victoria demanded, turning away from James with a scowl. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
"The editing bay is only open for an hour. You said you wanted to get that segment done," Bella said mildly, ignoring her boss's fit of temper.
The look Victoria leveled on her then was scathing. "You need to get on the ball. That segment is dead – it's been pushed to next week. If you can't-"
Bella was distracted from Victoria's tongue lashing when she felt a hand rest on her belly. She recoiled away, turning to hiss at James, "Do not touch me."
James whistled, and then laughed, shaking his head. "Damn, Vicky. You have some touchy employees."
Without waiting to see what Victoria's response would be to that, Bella pivoted and walked away from them. Her temper was rising, and she didn't want to do something she would regret. With less than an hour left of her day, Bella decided it wouldn't be unforgivable if she simply hid from the rest of the world – or at least, the rest of the studio. Since the editing bay was open, she locked herself inside and breathed easy for the first time that day.
Not ten minutes went by before her phone rang. Jacob – she'd forgotten to call him back.
"Sorry, Jake," she answered the phone. "Today's been a little crazy."
"No problem. Hey listen, I was wondering if we could get together tonight. Your place preferably."
"I don't know," Bella said wearily. "I was supposed to go to dinner with Jasper, but I'm actually pretty tired."
There was a pause on the other end, and Jacob sighed. "Okay well, let me get this out now."
Jacob went on to tell her that he'd gone to see Edward the night before. He admitted that he wanted to talk to Edward – especially after a few drinks.
"Jake!" Bella admonished, exasperated. "He had a flight early this morning and you were trying to get him plastered? Why?"
"Hey, I stayed over and made sure he got on the damn plane, okay? It's not like I wanted him to lose his job or anything. Look, in my defense he was already a little tipsy when I got there," Jacob placated. "People are more honest when they're drunk, and I needed the truth out of him."
"The truth about what, Jacob?" Bella demanded.
That was when Jacob told her that after several drinks and what he insisted were perfectly innocent questions, Edward had absolutely broken down. He'd started babbling all of his fears, and all the secrets he'd held since this whole situation had begun.
He didn't want to be a father.
He never had.
In the beginning, he'd felt honor-bound not to walk away. He still felt responsible. But he knew there was a big difference between being responsible for a life and being a dad. He liked his life the way it was – uncomplicated. He couldn't imagine complicating it with a child. It just wasn't in his life plan.
Bella listened with lead in her gut and a vice-like grip around her heart. When Jacob was done talking, her head was spinning. "Why are you... Why did you…" She couldn't seem to form sentences correctly.
"Bells, you know I don't want to hurt you," he said softly and sincerely. "But, I just think it's better that you find out now than if you found out a year from now, when you were really invested. Isn't it better dealing with this now than it would be if walked out on you and your daughter when he got tired of playing daddy?"
"People don't change. People who've never wanted kids don't suddenly become great parents," Jacob continued when she didn't answer.
Bella hung up on her friend before she even realized she'd moved.
For brief minutes, she grasped at straws, trying to rationalize. If she had met Edward after the baby was born it would have been different. He obviously cared for the baby's well-being, and was considerate of her needs being pregnant. If Edward was just 'Mommy's boyfriend', he didn't have to be attached to the baby as his.
But therein was the problem. The baby was his.
Abruptly she was filled with shame. Charlie was right – there was no separation. She'd allowed her feelings about Edward to cloud what was best for her daughter. It didn't matter what she wanted. It didn't matter that she was in love with him. She had to do what was right for her baby.
Her heart twisted painfully, on the verge of breaking. The more she thought about it, the more she understood how stupid she'd been. Months ago she'd understood where he was at. It wasn't in his plan to have children, but a lot of people were taken by surprise in that regard. He felt responsible. He couldn't walk away, leaving his progeny with a near total stranger when he had no idea what kind of a mother she would be. If the shoe were on the other foot, she wouldn't have been able to walk away entirely either.
But then she'd let her growing feelings for him take precedence. She found herself right back at square one – wondering if there was any way to protect her daughter from a man who didn't want her – with one additional complication. Now she was reeling from the loss of a relationship she'd barely begun to accept.
Because she couldn't be with a man who didn't love his daughter the way she deserved to be loved.
Bella fumbled with the door to the editing bay, needing to get out of the building before she broke down completely.
In the hallway, she ran straight into Jasper.
"Hey, I was just looking for you," Jasper began before he saw the look in her eyes. "Bella – what happened?"
"Nothing," she said, trying to get around him but he grabbed her arm. "Please let me go. I need to go."
Jasper studied her carefully for a moment. He'd known her long enough to understand that something was very, very wrong. "I'm going to get the car. Meet me outside. And don't argue, I'm not going to let you drive right now."
He turned and left before she could protest. Bella took a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions in check for just a few more minute. She turned the opposite direction that she'd been heading – toward the front of the building instead of the back.
"…looking for Bella Swan?" a smooth, male voice cut into Bella's consciousness. She looked up, seeing Victoria and James still at the end of the hallway, talking. Standing next to them was a tall, slim man with dirty blond hair. He might have been good looking except that he was scowling.
Victoria looked up, seeing her down the hall and jerked her chin in that direction. "She's over there."
The man turned and his glare was so angry that Bella immediately felt like running the other way. Before she could react he was striding toward her. She hated her wildly swinging emotion and the tremor of fear that went through her. "Can I help you with something?"
The man immediately began ranting and raving, stepping into her personal bubble – intimidating her though he didn't touch her. It took a while for Bella to understand that he was one of Rosalie's fans, and he had figured out that she was the one that had some sort of vendetta against his favorite model.
When it became obvious that the man was not listening to a word she said, Bella tried to simply walk away. The man followed her, still yelling. They both brushed past Victoria and James – who were staring in amusement – and out the front door.
Flustered and desperate to get away, Bella didn't notice where she was putting her feet. Her right foot landed mostly off the first step. Because she was cringing away from the persistent fanboy, she was even more off balance than usual. She pitched forward, arms scrambling to find some place to hold, but the hand rail was too far away. She impacted on her side and tumbled down the ten stairs, hitting the ground on her back. Instantly, instinctively, Bella curled inward, her hands hugging her middle. She hurt everywhere, but it was the sharp, shooting pains that radiated from her abdomen that sent a cold, unforgiving finger of fear directly down her spine.
"Bella!" Several sets of footsteps ran toward her, but it was Jasper's voice that cut through her haze. "Bella," he said again, softer. His voice was closer then, like he was kneeling at her side. She couldn't see because her eyes were screwed tightly shut against the pain and rising panic.
There was a high pitched, wheezing sound that was driving her to distraction. Bella couldn't think, couldn't get her thoughts to focus at all. Someone was chanting the word no over and over, sounding like a train speeding up toward hysteria. She wanted to scream at the voice to shut the hell up... until she realized it was her.
"Bella, baby," Jasper's voice again, soothing but urgent. "Honey, open your eyes. Look at me. Let me help you, sugar, look at me." His hands cupped her clammy face, turning it slightly toward him.
Bella's eyes fluttered open, darting around frantically. She saw several people looming over her before her eyes finally settled on Jasper's. She gasped, realizing belatedly that her breaths were too short and quick to fill her lungs.
"You have to calm down, Bella," Jasper commanded gently, stroking her cheek in a calming motion.
"It hurts," she breathed out in a plaintive, desperate voice. "Jasper…the baby. I can't…"
"Shh, shh," he soothed. "Sweetheart, just breathe, okay? Deep, steady breaths." He held her gaze, breathing with her for a moment while she calmed. "Is there anything wrong with your neck or your back?"
Bella whimpered as another wave of pain rocked through her middle. Her back ached, but it didn't feel broken. Her neck was fine. "It hurts here," she tightened her arms around her middle. "It feels like… Oh, God." She couldn't bring herself to say it. It felt like someone had jammed a red hot poker in her side, but beyond that, the sharp pains that accompanied it, tightening her muscles at varying intervals, felt like contractions. Too soon, too soon, too soon.
"Breathe, baby. It'll be fine, okay? You're going to be just fine," Jasper reminded.
"I'm on the phone with 9-1-1," James said.
"Tell them not to come," Jasper ordered, getting his arms under Bella. His voice, as he addressed James was harsh and angry. "I'll take her. The hospital is close by anyway. Tell them to get on the line with Cedar's Sinai's ER and let them know we're coming. Then you do your g'damn job and get his ass," he gestured with his chin at the contrite and horrified looking fanboy, "off the property. He shouldn't have even been here in the first place."
He didn't wait for anyone else to respond. Instead, Jasper lifted her up carefully, walking as quickly as he dared to the car. Once he had her settled they drove, Jasper trying to distract her along the way.
The paramedics met them at the ambulance bay, and Jasper hopped out long enough to squeeze her hand reassuringly. "I'll call your dad, and Edward, okay? We'll all be here."
Bella clasped his hand tightly, not letting him pull away for a moment. "Don't call Edward."
~0~
The evening passed in a rush of examinations and more doctors than Bella could keep up with. They were able to stop the contractions and admitted her for observation after determining that she was just very bruised. Nothing was broken save her hand, and that was just a minor fracture.
Jasper found out that the fanboy who had come after her was named Demetri Simis. He was Rosalie's hairdresser, and had often listened to her rants about Bella. She had, of course, kept their private association a secret, but it was plenty for the overprotective fan to latch onto. After seeing the paparazzi photo a few days before and then the interview on Ellen, he'd decided that someone should give Bella Swan a talking to.
Demetri was currently being held on trespassing charges. James the security guard had been let go. Jasper had it on good authority that Victoria and Aro had disappeared for hours on end into her office and when he emerged, she was seen crying at her desk.
As for Rosalie, she seemed to have disappeared completely. The word going around the studio was that she had requested an emergency leave of absence, gone to tape the Ellen show, and then had gone away somewhere with Alice. Jasper found that idea highly likely as Alice's phone was off when he tried to call.
That suited Bella just fine. No matter how Jasper and her father tried to argue with her, she wouldn't let them call Edward or any of the Cullens. Instead, she ignored his phone calls except to send him a text that she was busy for the weekend.
By Sunday night she was told she would be released the following morning and put on strict bed rest for at least a week. Spending the weekend in bed, the whirlwind of emotions she was already feeling amplified by a haze of medications, left her utterly exhausted physically and mentally.
Because she was expecting Jasper, Bella picked up her ringing phone absently.
"Bella?" Edward's voice asked, sounding pleased to have finally gotten a hold of her.
At the sound of his voice, a wave of longing so strong she actually felt dizzy with its pull washed over Bella. She closed her eyes, listening to the sound of his breaths on the other end of the phone.
If she told him what was going on he would come home - she knew that without a doubt. He would fawn over her and take care of her, pressing tender kisses to her forehead.
"Bella? Are you crying?" Edward's voice was tinged with fear. "Jesus, are you okay? Bella?"
If she told him - she wondered if he would feel any concern at all for the baby. Would he even care? She understood that he was concerned for her, but did he even think about his daughter?
"Bella?" His voice sounded frantic.
Bella opened her mouth, and started speaking through her tears.
~0~
Jasper entered the hospital, somewhat disgruntled that he was there so late. There was only about an hour left of visiting hours. He'd only left Bella's side because Aro had called him in - his lawyers asking questions, undoubtedly trying to weasel his way out of any potential lawsuit.
He approached Bella's room, about to knock when the sounds coming from the direction of her bed stopped him. She was laying on her side, turned away from him. She was crying - hard.
Quickly, Jasper crossed the room, going around to her side of the bed. Her hands were balled into fists in her hair, her face turned into her pillow. She was sobbing miserably, completely oblivious to his presence. It took him a minute to realize she was repeating the same phrase over and over again under her breath.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Bella," he said quietly, unsure of what was happening. He thought about calling a nurse but figured if there was something physically wrong with her, they would have read it on their monitoring equipment. He petted her hair gently, and her head came up with a gasp. Her eyes, when she looked at him, were so raw and bloodshot they were nearly closed. "Baby, what-"
She didn't speak at first, just wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him close to her. Though it was slightly awkward as he was sitting in a chair beside her bed, Jasper did his best to put his arms around her. Her sobs renewed, and he felt her hot tears slide down his neck. "I think... I think I made a mistake," she whispered.
~0~
Edward Cullen sat in his hotel room in Chicago in exactly the same position he'd been sitting in when he'd called Bella. A minute could have passed, or hours on end; time had ceased to mean anything to him. Bella's words repeated over and over in his head, but no matter how he tried he could not make any sense of them. His mind would not process the noises into meaning - as if she'd been speaking some alien language instead of English.
"I... Edward... the baby is gone. I lost her. I fell, and... she's gone," Bella could barely speak, she was crying so hard. He opened his mouth to speak but found his voice was absent. She continued. "I need... I need..."
He wanted her to say that she needed him. He was already searching for his voice, trying to form the words. I'll be there as soon as I can.
"I need time. I need you to ... leave me alone for a little while. Please. Please don't try to see me. I'll call you."
Then the call dropped as she hung up.
Ever since then, Edward had been sitting on the edge of his bed, staring blankly at the phone in his hand.
The moment she'd hung up, everything got far away. The cacophony of the busy, Chicago evening faded into white noise in the background. His tangible body felt like nothing more than a shell that housed a soul that was only dimly self aware. Words had no meaning and so the building tension in his mind had no definition.
A knock on his door sent him into sudden action. There was something bubbling in his veins – at the very center of his being – that was frightening in its power. Adrenaline shot through him – a fight or flight feeling giving his limbs forward motion. He needed to do something physically. He felt as if he could run straight from Chicago to Los Angeles.
If he stopped moving, whatever was brewing beneath the surface of his consciousness would overtake him. He was suddenly entirely certain of that fact.
Edward ran to the door and hurled it open, breezing past Mike without even seeing him standing there. "Edward! Edward!" Mike called, following after him.
Ignoring his editor, Edward slammed on the down arrow of the elevator. When the doors didn't open instantly he began pacing the small space.
"Edward, what the hell is wrong with you?" Mike demanded, putting a hand on his shoulder. He was taken aback when Edward looked at him. "Dude. You're… fucking green. Did you eat something rank?"
"No," Edward shook his head, raking his fingers through his hair. "No, I need to go home. Right now." He slammed on the down button again in complete agitation.
"The flight leaves in the morning-" Mike started, but Edward cut him off.
"It's not soon enough! I need to be there now. Right now," Edward yelled, pivoting on his heel and heading for the stairs.
Mike was right behind him, his footsteps falling right along with Edward's. "What, you're going to run down 16 flights of stairs? Jesus Christ, Edward. Stop right now and tell me what's going on!"
Gripping the railing with enough pressure his hands ached, Edward swung around to face his editor. "I need to go home! Bella… I need to get to her."
"What happened? Is she okay?" Mike's voice echoed behind him as Edward kept on descending.
"I don't know. I mean. Yeah, she's… she lost the baby,"
"Oh.. God. Well, that's just…" Mike stumbled, obviously not knowing what to say. They'd gone down another three flights before he offered, "Well, that sucks a lot, but maybe it's for the better, you know?"
Edward stopped cold in his tracks. Abruptly furious, he swung around to face Mike. "What?" he demanded, incredulous. "What do you mean for the better? How could you say that?"
Mike's eyes went wide. "I-I-I I just mean that sometimes it's for the best. You know, this way you don't have to deal with some other guy interfering with your relationship."
"It's mine, Mike. My baby," Edward all but bellowed. He turned then and started sprinting down the steps.
Mike didn't follow.
~0~
The next fifteen hours of his life were hell on earth.
Edward arrived at O'Hare to discover that Mike had called ahead. He was already booked on the earliest flight available. Unfortunately, it still didn't leave until close to 7 A.M. Chicago time.
Confusion and agitated restlessness were all he would let himself feel. The confusion couldn't be helped. There was something very off – too many holes in his knowledge for him to cope with.
Edward had been on edge all weekend where Bella was concerned, unable to shake the nervous feeling that had come over him as he drove away from her place on Thursday night.
When Jacob called, he'd been surprised to say the least. He wanted to say no outright. The only reason he wasn't still with Bella was because he had to pack, and he had to be up so early that he hadn't wanted to bother her.
But Jacob had convinced him, saying that he wanted to clear the air between them, that was all. He volunteered to go to Edward's house. "I'll just keep you company," Jacob had said.
Wanting to be able to tell Bella that he was trying with even the most antagonistic of her friends, Edward had reluctantly agreed. As he packed and waited for Jacob to arrive, he'd been unable to stop thinking about Bella, and how she would react to knowing that his views on fatherhood weren't changing. Desperate to relax, he'd downed a shot of whiskey, then another.
He remembered Jacob arriving. He remembered drinking more through the awkward, stilted conversation. Both men were trying, but Jacob kept on alluding to the baby and it made Edward drink even more.
The next thing he remembered was Jacob shaking him awake and all but pouring him into a cab pointed toward LAX.
When Bella hadn't answered his calls or responded to his texts except to say that she was busy, Edward couldn't help but think that she was angry about something.
Then this. When had it happened? How? Why hadn't someone called him?
Edward was on the phone as soon as his flight landed. Bella's phone was off. So was Jasper's. In a moment of complete desperation, Edward called Jacob.
It was obvious from the other man's acerbic tone that whatever had gone down on Thursday night had not been positive. "I just need to know what hospital she's in," Edward pleaded.
There was a long pause on the other end, and then a sigh. "She's being released now. Look, Jasper and I are taking care of her - like we always have. Just leave her alone."
"Can I-"
"No! She doesn't want to see you. Get a clue."
It was worse when he went to her house, only to have Jacob deny him entrance. They argued in increasingly louder whispers, trying not to disturb Bella who Jacob insisted was sleeping.
Finally, Jasper came out, pushing Jacob back into the house and taking Edward down the driveway a little ways.
"No one will talk to me!" Edward said, frustrated to the point of insanity. He felt like he would go mad if they didn't let him see her. "Bella's not answering . No one will tell me what happened or how - how-" he couldn't continue.
Jasper, his eyes heavy with sympathy, held his hands out in a placating motion. He sighed. "Bella fell down the stairs of our building on Friday. She's been kind of ... druggy the past few days."
All the breath left Edward at once, draining him of his anger and frustration. "Friday... Christ. Why didn't anyone call me?" he asked, his voice pained.
"Edward..." Jasper began, then his shoulders sagged as he sighed. "Look... give her a little time, okay? She's confused right now."
"She doesn't want to see me," he stated, not asking.
With another sigh, Jasper shook his head sadly.
Edward nodded. Of course she wouldn't want to see him. They hardly even talked about the baby. She would want people around her who could even remotely sympathize. Grief did strange things to people, and he knew everyone had their own way to handle it.
Defeated, Edward did the only thing he could. He drove home on autopilot and went straight to his room. He moved as if he were an old, old man, finding barely enough energy to throw his keys on the table before he shuffled to his room.
For a time his mind was blank. That pressure in the center of him... he could feel it building again, but unlike the night previous he had no energy left to fight it. The deluge was coming, and he couldn't bring himself to care or even try to stop it. He laid on his bed, thinking of nothing and trying not to feel the agony that was beginning to make itself known in the empty space where his heart had been only the day before.
Then Rosalie was just... there. That was when he knew for sure something was very wrong with him. They'd always been able to just know when they needed each other.
Rosalie sat on the bed beside him, but he didn't turn to look at her or even acknowledge that she was there. Her hand was on his back, rubbing in slow, even circles. "Tell me," she said quietly.
He breathed in, out, in, out. "Bella lost the baby," he said, his voice wavering at the last word.
Rosalie's hand on his back stopped. "What?" she exclaimed breathlessly.
"My... my... my daughter," his words were choked as his throat seemed to close. "My daughter is dead."
As soon as he spoke the words, they became real - a tangible weight that he could feel pressing down on his chest, dragging him under the water until he was drowning in it. Grief - there was no image violent enough to accurately describe the way it hit him then. His breath left him in a loud sob.
A thousand images assaulted him - things he hadn't known until that moment that he held dear in his heart. His unconscious mind had stored a barrage of daydreams - moments he'd assembled watching Emmett with his kids, and memories of his own father with him and his siblings. Emmett cradling a tiny baby the day he could hold his daughters for the first time in the NICU. His eyes had shone with wonder, a glowing grin almost splitting his face as he stared down at her. Carlisle with Rosalie as a child, holding her in one arm as he tickled her with his free hand - the little girl shrieking with high pitched giggles. The look he caught on his father and brother's faces sometimes when they watched their children - the pride and awe that they'd had a hand in creating and molding the beautiful creatures in front of them.
And in that moment he knew that he wanted it all. He remembered waking from nightmares in his boyhood and his father being there - remembered the way he'd clung to Carlisle's neck and felt safe from whatever monster plagued his dreams. He wanted that - his own child hanging on to him, trusting him to slay demons and keep them safe. He remembered the way his nieces faces lit up when Emmett had been away for the day and came to retrieve them. He wanted to see his own daughter's face turn into a happy grin, and hear the word, "Daddy," fall excitedly from her lips. He wanted to meet her - this little person that was a combination of him and Bella and completely unique. He wanted it so badly that he couldn't breathe because he knew, though it had been his responsibility to look after them and care for them, he'd failed.
He'd been so busy thinking about his own plans for his life that he hadn't even noticed that fate's plans had become a part of him.
And he'd lost it all without even knowing.
In all of his life, Edward could not remember crying the way he did then. His thoughts were tormented, his body writhing with the anguish he didn't feel strong enough to hold inside of him. His heart hit absolute zero, a loss he didn't know how to comprehend making his head spin and his chest ache.
He was glad that his sister was there , her chest pressed against his back as she held him, her tears hot on his neck as she cried with him. He felt that if she wasn't there to keep him together, he would have flown apart - spontaneously combusting with the volatile sorrow that seemed to soak every pore.
But as much as he was glad she was there, he wished desperately that it was Bella with him, sharing this loss together.
A/N: *looks around for shelter* So um. Um. Um.
Well, first off, thanks to Barburella and josieswan for all they do for me. I love them dearly.
::cough:: Um… if you're a fan of slash, I participate in a slashfic round robin group called The Slashtastics. Check us out under my favorite authors. The Big Gay Story started posting today.
I want to say - if you've experienced the loss of a child, I'm so, so sorry. I've been there, and in my situation (where I was honestly better off not having the child) it sucked. I watched my mother lose my sister. I cannot even imagine. My heart goes out to you.
Alright. Go ahead. Yell at me. You know you want to. I deserve it.