Chapter 18: Blame is Much Too Messy

A/N: Good lord! You guys are so philosophical. I want to put you all in a room and see the arguments that happen. I'm loving your reviews. Unfortunately, I only go through half of them this time (bad me). Working on it. Working on it.

Disclaimer: I'm just playing with these beautiful creatures, not profiting from them.

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"Maybe the moral higher ground ain't as high as it seems
Maybe we are both good people, done some bad things,"

~Hour Follows Hour, Ani DiFranco

~0~

"...getting worse. I don't know what to do with her. I've never seen her like this."

"Take it easy, Charlie."

Bella stirred, the hushed conversation happening somewhere close by becoming clear as the haze of sleep fell away. She didn't move, unable to find the energy to do so even if she wanted to.

"She's just a little sad right now," Jasper was telling her father. "What do they call it? The weepies?"

"Yeah, there's one problem with your logic there, kid: she's not weeping," he said the last as if it were a dirty word. "Now I'm no psychologist, but I know depression when I see it."

Bella closed her eyes again, feeling frustrated tears gather behind the closed lids.

It had been two weeks since the fantastic blowout after Edward found out she was still pregnant. She'd seen him twice, both times during doctor's visits. He hadn't looked at her at all. Hadn't spoken to her. He'd touched her once, when she stumbled, and he put his arm around her to make sure she didn't fall, but he'd let her go as soon as she was steady.

The minute Edward left that first day, Bella had been angry. The only thing that had kept her from marching right after him to tell him where he could stick his custody talk was that when she stood up, her center of balance was off. She fell right back down on the bed.

Calm.

Speaking without thinking had done enough damage. Bella took the second chance, forcing herself to understand what he'd said before she flew off the handle herself.

That was when his words sunk into her. "I do want her! I didn't know how much I wanted her until.."

Until he thought she was gone.

Then she understood his anger completely. In the hospital, for long hours that turned into days, she stared into a dark, bleak abyss - faced with the terrible fear that she was going to lose the baby. She'd teetered on the edge of that blackness for the better part of Friday night. The very thought caused her heart to seize. It was a fear and a horror so intense it robbed her of words. Unimaginable - and indescribable.

If Edward felt even half of that...

Bella felt sick. Sick with guilt knowing she'd caused someone she cared for so much pain, and sick with helplessness over what would happen next. Over the next two weeks, every horror story she'd ever heard about custody arrangements ran through her head. As it was, she was torn between anger and horror at the prospect of her baby not being with her for large chunks of time. Trying to imagine dealing with a man who might not let go of his animosity was a prospect she didn't want to, but couldn't help thinking about.

The child of divorced parents, Bella knew she was lucky when it came to her parents' custody arrangements. Her father had mostly left her alone - not because he didn't want her, but because he knew that Renee could give her a more stable life. Then he'd welcomed her with open arms when she went to live in Forks at 17.

But Charlie and Renee had been friends, even after their marriage fell apart. She had no idea what the future would bring for her relationship with Edward. Despite his threat, he'd had yet to bring out any sort of paperwork.

Then again, he'd have to talk to her to do that.

Charlie's voice drew Bella out of her dark thoughts. "She won't tell me what's going on with that ... that ... what's his name. The baby's father?"

Oh, shit. Evasive action required.

"Dad," she admonished in a scratchy voice, bringing herself into a sitting position. "Stop antagonizing Jasper. He doesn't have control over what I do." She noticed her voice as flat - totally devoid of inflection - and frowned, wondering how long it had been like that.

"Sorry, Bells," Charlie said, standing and coming to sit beside her on the couch. He looked her over, grimacing at whatever he saw. Bella self consciously ran her fingers through the snarls in her hair. "I just worry about you, kid, that's all. I know you're going through a hard time."

"I'm fine," Bella insisted, not looking at his earnest brown eyes.

"You're not fine. You never go anywhere."

Bella grumbled under her breath, trying to keep the annoyance from her tone. "I was just taken off bed rest two days ago," she pointed out. She made the mistake of looking up. Seeing all the concern her father had for her, Bella made an effort to sit up a little straighter. "Besides… I am going out. Jasper and I have plans."

Jasper, standing directly behind Charlie, made a surprised face. Bella silently begged him to play along. "Jasper's taking me um… shopping."

Charlie's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You hate shopping."

"No one hates shopping for clothes for baby girls," Jasper inserted. "Bella and I are going to run the town out of pink, aren't we doll?"

Bella had to struggle to hide her glare. She hated pink. Jasper knew it.

When Peter came over, Charlie left for the day, and Bella got to wondering if they needed back up to deal with her now. She blinked when she realized there wasn't any reason they should still be with her in shifts; off of bed rest, she was more than capable of taking care of herself.

Wasn't she?

Before she could slump over again, Jasper and Peter sat down on either side of her, making a Bella sandwich of sorts. They were going to double team her. She could tell.

"Aren't we through with secrets? Why haven't you told Charlie everything that's going on?" Jasper asked.

"It's not a secret. It's just that he's going to want to do something about it and there's nothing he can do. I don't think he would, but I don't want him getting in Edward's face, or feeling like he wanted to." Bella crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't need a repeat of Jacob."

Too tired to keep up her anger, Bella had grudgingly forgiven Jacob for his transgression after a five days straight of his begging. Her forgiveness was conditional; if he looked at Edward with so much as a glower again there were going to be words. But Jacob had been her best friend since high school. Nothing was going to change that.

The last thing she needed was for her father to follow in Jacob's footsteps.

"He brought up a good point though," Jasper said quietly. "Bella, you're scaring all of us. This depression... it just isn't like you."

Bella laughed bitterly. "I don't know who I am right now," she said in a small voice. "I never meant to fall-"

She bit her lip, cutting off because the words sounded both odd and painful. Hadn't she sworn to herself she'd never be here?

"You're in love with him," Jasper finished quietly. "Of course you are. You call out for him in your sleep," he murmured, brushing her stringy hair out of her eyes.

Bella's lower lip quivered but she managed to control the tears that threatened. "That doesn't surprise me," she admitted. Her dreams and nightmares both had been plagued by his presence. She couldn't escape him, even in sleep.

It was an endless cycle of grief and regret. At any given moment she missed him horribly; the smallest thing could remind her of what she'd only briefly held in her hand. She would see something on television that she wanted to tell him about only to remember that there were no more chances for endless, easy conversation. Her bed, her whole house, was heavy with the memories of him, and her heart didn't know what to do but ache.

But then, Edward was also the man who had some control over her daughter's life.

Both sides of the coin were equal weights tugging on her in a tumultuous sea. She felt completely lost and alone with nothing but choppy waters in either direction. She felt like she was seconds away from drowning and helpless to stop the waves from pulling her under.

Suddenly very tired again, Bella put her head in her hands. "What I felt... feel... doesn't matter. All that matters is her," she put one hand on her belly. "I'm going crazy waiting for him to make his demands, but at the same time I don't want him to, so I don't ask."

Both of them rubbed her back. It was a moment before Peter spoke. "So, here's what I don't get," he said, speaking slowly as if trying to put the pieces together. "He wasn't intending to be the father of the other baby, right? He donated his sperm. How does that equate to him having any rights at all? Didn't he sign some sort of agreement?"

"If he did, the agreement would have been between him and Alice," Jasper explained. "Edward never had an agreement with Bella. The mix up was not his fault any more than it was hers."

"The baby is biologically his," Bella put in, her voice drained of emotion. "Any custody fight would be dependent on the way a judge sees it, but given that neither of us has done anything that would make us unfit parents - by any measurable standard - I can't imagine we wouldn't end up sharing custody in some way." Her voice wavered at the end and again she had to breathe deeply, still hating how much more intense her every emotion felt since she'd gotten pregnant.

She had resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to deal with sharing her daughter. All there was to figure out now was under what circumstances. It seemed so impossible that they would reach the kind of friendly relationship Charlie and Renee had. Not only was Edward furious with her, but she had every reason to believe that the rest of his family hated her too.

That theory was tested the very next day.

For the first time in two weeks, Bella was alone in her home. After realizing how badly she was scaring everyone, she made a concerted effort to try to be a little more energetic. After she showered and fought the awkwardness of her growing belly to shave her legs, Bella felt slightly more human that she had the previous evening. The reflection in the mirror looked a little less like a zombie - though the pallor of her skin was still a sickly gray-white color and her eyes were sunken, heavy bags making it look as if she hadn't spent the majority of the last two weeks in bed.

That was the state she was in when she opened the door to find Esme Cullen on her doorstep.

Bella was shocked into a state of silence. She managed to let Esme in and offered her a drink, but besides that she was quiet – unsure of what to expect from Edward's normally gentle mother.

For her part, Esme seemed to have taken a page from her daughter-in-law's book, and was talking enough for both of them. She wore an obviously plastered on smile, and didn't look Bella in the eye as she babbled. She was glad that Bella was feeling better. She missed her visiting. Had she had any time to think about her registry? Time was tick, tick, ticking away.

Bella was flabbergasted. "You still…want me at the shower?"

Esme's eyebrows knitted together in the middle. "You need things for the baby. It really is the easiest way to get some of the things you need," she chattered. She went on to assure Bella that she still wasn't one for baby shower games. Perhaps a door prize, but nothing more than that.

"Esme," Bella said softly.

The other woman clamored on, muttering something to herself about plans that still needed to be made.

"Esme!"

Esme stopped babbling and sat still. She didn't look up. Sighing, Bella continued. "I don't understand. I can see that you can't even look at me. Why are you trying to be nice to me? After what I did, you have every right to hate me."

Edward's mother looked up then, her eyes softer than Bella expected and perhaps a little rueful. She ran the pad of her thumb over her lip, considering. "I don't hate you, Bella," she said firmly. Then she sat back on the couch, folding her hands on her lap. "Do you want to know the worst mistake I ever made?"

Bella was silent, unsure of where this conversation was heading. Esme must have taken her silence as assent because she continued talking. "You know that Rosalie got into modeling when she was 16. That choice... I don't regret that choice, because it was a place where she shone. For a little while, she was finally happy again.

"But then she came to me one day, a little after she turned 17, and demanded I let her switch agents. She wanted to move out here where there were better, more exciting jobs for her." Esme stopped, her eyes troubled as she tapped her fingers against her lips. "I'm the mother. I'm supposed to make those types of decisions, but I knew if I denied her that it would send her right back into the depression she'd just shaken. I trusted her - a naive and sheltered 17 year old girl - to make the right choices."

"I didn't find out until years later that her agent... that man," her voice was biting as she forced the words out, "took advantage of her."

Bella's hand went to her mouth, her heart twisting. She could almost write the rest of the story herself.

Esme's voice was shaky as she continued. "From there she was easy prey. You know that she ended up in rehab for alcoholism. What you don't know was that she was addicted to ... a much harder drug. And when she started to get help for that was when everything came out." Esme's voice ran out entirely as she gave in to her tears.

Tentatively, Bella stood and sat down on the couch next to Esme, putting a comforting hand on her arm. Sniffling, the older woman managed a watery smile and patted Bella's hand in thanks. Esme sniffled again, wiping away the remnant of her tears with the back of her hand. "So, no, Bella. I can't hold on to the worst thing you've ever done. Not when the consequences of my mistake were so much further reaching, and much more damaging. You hurt my son. Badly. You caused a lot of pain to my family. But that is, I think, reparable with time - especially because it means my granddaughter is alive and well."

"For what it's worth," Bella said quietly, "I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt any of you; you were all so kind to me."

"I was angry. I am angry," Esme admitted. Bella looked down at her hands. "But I'm not a hypocrite. All those years I spent looking through gossip columns every time I saw Rosalie's name... You know they said such horrible things about her. She was lost, but I remembered the girl she had been - kind, loyal, headstrong." Esme smiled slightly. "I thought it was so unfair that they took these bad incidents and made them out to be all of who she was. If she forgave me for my part in what happened to her, and I've forgiven her for everything she put our family through - well, I know I'll forgive you, too. Maybe not today - but..."

"With time," Bella said, feeling a stirring of hope that maybe, just maybe, her daughter's life wouldn't be a constant battle between herself and the Cullens. "It's more than I can ask for."

Esme tapped her lips again, looking thoughtful. "You know, it was Alice who got her to go to the clinic, to get help. We hadn't even seen her in so many years, but she tracked Emmett down on Facebook. The day she went to see Rosalie for the first time, Rosalie ranted and raved at her - she said such horrible things that I was sure we'd never see Alice again. But she came back the next day. I asked her why, and she told me something I will never forget.

"She said 'If you judge people when they are at their worst, you're turning a blind eye to ever seeing them at their best, and then you'll never truly know them.'" Esme gave a short snort of laughter and patted Bella's hand again. "Your children - and the people they'll bring into your life - will teach you more than you will ever teach them, I think. You'll learn that soon enough."

"Alice was nine when we met her in Mississippi," Esme said, smiling. "Looking back, I should have realized that they were filling holes in each others lives. Alice's parents abandoned her at a very young age. She was being raised by a well meaning but far out of his depth uncle. He didn't know what to do with a little girl, you know? She adopted our family as her own. She would come hug me and Carlisle when we got home from work. She idolized and irritated Edward and Emmett like a proper little sister would."

Esme frowned, the deepening lines at the corners of her mouth and eyes betraying her true age for the space of a glimpse before she looked down. "Alice was completely destroyed when we left – abandoned again, as it were. That was what started the horrendous arguments with Rosalie. Then, when Alice stopped e-mailing was when Rose got really miserable."

Shaking her head, Esme looked up at Bella. "Even then, at the time I didn't realize what Alice meant to my daughter –just how deeply their connection went. It didn't really hit me until her original agent asked her if she wanted to change her last name. He seemed to think that Rosalie Cullen didn't have the stage presence she might need one day. And besides, changing her last name meant keeping her past and her family private. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she instantly said Hale.

"See, when she and Alice first met they used to pretend they were great actresses. It was their favorite game. Hale was a name they came up with together." Pursing her lips, Esme looked contemplative before she let out a breath and gave Bella the rest of the story. "Then Alice came back into our lives, Rosalie started to get better and then… they both took on that name legally as a symbol of their commitment."

"That really is a beautiful story," Bella said softly, meaning every word. She thought for a moment, tapping the pads of her fingers against her glass absently. "It explains a lot."

Esme tilted her head, looking at Bella curiously.

Bella felt her cheeks warm just slightly. "The strength of her… response to me has been bewildering at times," she admitted softly. "I understood it to an extent, but now I see other facets. It's a defense mechanism, both for herself and for Alice."

"You're perceptive," Esme observed.

Bella sat back, running her finger restlessly around the rim of her glass. Even under the best of circumstances, she sincerely doubted she and Rosalie would ever have been friends. Now, though….

Well, it was beside the point. Her relationship with Rosalie was the least of her worries. It didn't escape her notice that Esme was here on her own. While Bella felt the slightest twinge of hope that she could be on friendly terms with the matron of the Cullen family, there were still six others to contend with including…. Edward.

When she thought of him her heart twisted painfully.

From where she was standing, she would believe she and Rosalie would be best friends before Edward ever forgave her.

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For what had to be the millionth time since he'd had to listen to Dr. Snow tell him that a total and complete stranger was pregnant with his child, Edward wrestled with what he wanted. His life had been in a constant state of change since that day, and it all mad him very, very tired.

Two weeks before, when he'd gone home after learning about Bella's deceit, he found Emmett and Tanya waiting for him. His family had decided that he shouldn't be alone in his grief, and they were doing what they could – making his breakfasts and dinners, and doing the round the house chores that he couldn't think about.

At the time, he'd considered it lucky that Tanya was there. His anger had been all consuming and acidic. It was only by some small miracle that he hadn't spontaneously combusted with the volatile mixture of bad chemicals in his blood stream.

Pacing back and forth across his living room, Edward had all but demanded that Tanya call one of her family lawyer friends. He wanted something legal, something binding, that made it so Bella couldn't do anything like this to him again.

Tanya had listened to his request carefully, looked him straight in the eye and said, "No."

He literally saw red. "What do you mean no?"

"I mean no, Edward. You're angry-"

"Damn right I'm angry."

Tanya had given him the 'you're skating on thin ice' look at Emmett received so often. "The worst thing you can do is start legal action when you're angry. You're not rational then. All that happens is that you fire the first shot, and then she –angrily – fires the next shot, and before you know it you're both down each others throats and hauling each other into court for the most ridiculous things. No. It's not happening.

"Look, calm down, okay? When you're not snarling like some mountain lion about to attack, then we'll talk. If you still want to do something legally, I'll be more than happy to call Carmen for you," Tanya concluded firmly. "Most the lawsuits in this country would be avoided if people just talked rationally. You have to trust in the basic goodness of people a little more."

He'd growled, further proving her point. "I don't trust her as far as I can throw her."

Tanya smirked. "Well, you're a strong man, and she – despite the little bowling ball she's carrying around – is a very slight woman. I'm sure you can throw her further than you think."

Two weeks later he was definitely calmer, and he could see the wisdom in Tanya's words. His little tantrum had raised the walls between him and Bella even higher. He could read the defensiveness in the set of her shoulders. She didn't say a word to him. Even when she tripped and he steadied her, she'd only nodded her thanks.

It was just as well that she hadn't spoken. As it was, he was having trouble holding his tongue. An almost forgotten memory of one of his least favorite childhood movies had echoed in his mind as a warning. If you can't say nothin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.

The first gift he ever bought for his daughter was a downy soft, infant safe Thumper stuffed toy. He held the thing in his hands, thinking about all the things he would be responsible for teaching the baby. He couldn't exactly deliver that lesson with a straight face if he couldn't be civil to his daughter's mother.

Edward rubbed his eyes tiredly, wondering how life had gotten so completely out of his control.

Unable to deal with sitting any longer, Edward grabbed his keys and headed for the door. He knew his mother had planned to go see Bella today. He wondered if she would be back.

When he pulled into his parents' drive he was relieved to see his mother's car. Edward entered the house without knocking and easily found his mother in the den.

"Mom," he greeted, bending to kiss her cheek. Esme ruffled his hair but then turned to the mess of books and articles spread out in front of her. She didn't speak, and Edward grew strangely uncomfortable. "So, what have you been up to today?" he asked conversationally.

Esme made a small, frustrated noise. "My son, I have known you for all of your 27 years. I have never known you not to be direct. You don't pussyfoot around any topic of conversation. What is it about this girl that's turned you around so much?"

Edward gaped at his mother. "What are you talking about?"

"You know very well that I saw Bella today," Esme said evenly, pointing at him with her pen. "You were the one who told me to go in the first place."

"I didn't tell you to do anything," Edward protested, beginning to wonder if his mother had gone completely insane.

"You did, actually. Don't think for one second that I didn't know what you were getting at when you kept asking me if I was still going to hold a joint baby shower for her." Esme began sorting through the books in front of her while Edward reeled.

"Since you're just as stubborn as a mule, I'm going to put you out of your misery and tell you what you want to know," his mother said, not looking up at him as she flipped. "She doesn't look well, Edward."

Despite his confusion at his mother's behavior, Edward's stomach clenched. "What do you mean? Is she okay?"

"She's not sick. I said she doesn't look well." She looked up at him then, her eyes holding his. "She looks rather like a heartbroken, abandoned girl."

Edward's eyes narrowed at his mother's choice of words and he felt a flash of anger travel down his spine. "If her heart is broken, it's her own fault. None of this was my idea. I didn't abandon her, she pushed me away." And it wasn't only her heart that was broken, he did not say.

Esme's eyes gentled. "I know that, Edward." She sighed, sitting back on the couch and tapping her chin. "If her friend hadn't tricked you into revealing your feelings…and if she hadn't fallen, what would have happened?"

Not understanding what his mother wanted to hear, Edward just gave her a confused look. Esme considered her words and tried again. "Son, since you were a teenager you've said that you had no desire to be a father." She winced, guilt flashing through her eyes. "After watching your father and I bungle the job, who could blame you?"

"Mom," he interrupted, putting his hand over hers and squeezing. "You were great parents."

"We were loving parents," Esme corrected mildly. "We weren't great parents. But I think that was part of the problem. In all our good intentions, we made some poor choices. Rosalie bore the brunt of our mistakes, but you and Emmett didn't escape without your scars." She lovingly stroked his cheek with the back of her hand. "I don't think you realize… when you were younger, you used to say that you didn't want children because you wouldn't be responsible for messing up an innocent human being's life. Over time, I think it translated in your mind to you simply not wanting to be responsible for another human being, which isn't the same thing at all."

"What's the difference?"

"The former is a testament to every parent's fear – that they won't be exactly what a child needs. The latter are the words of a person who isn't ready to settle down – which is a fine and valid choice – but it has never been you.

"Why else would you buy a Volvo with your brother's children in mind? And when most adults your age are out squeezing in as many nights on the town as they can, you were always here on the weekend – with your family," Esme smiled at her youngest son, shaking her head slightly. "You're a family man, Edward. Always have been."

Edward considered this, wishing that he'd figured this all out before as his mother obviously had. Esme must have caught the regret that flitted across his features because she tapped his nose knowingly. "But up until you thought the worst had happened, you still believed you didn't want children."

Slowly, Edward nodded, conceding that point. "So what would have happened with you and Bella if Jacob hadn't done what he did and she hadn't fallen down those steps?" his mother asked again.

Edward didn't quite know how to deal with the rush of emotions that hit him then. His anger at Bella had, to that point, hidden the pain of losing their relationship. He missed her, desperately at times. The two times he'd seen her, there had been too many words on the tip of his tongue, filling up his mouth until he had to keep his lips pressed tight together to keep them from coming out. He didn't know what he would have said. He might have lashed out at her, blaming her for the pain she'd put him through and the frustration of trying to find a way through their complicated situation. He might have dropped to his knees and begged her to let him kiss her again – anything if he could only touch her.

"I don't know," Edward said quietly. "If she hadn't fallen… we were supposed to talk when I came back from Chicago. Really talk. We uh- We haven't …" He put his hands over his eyes, rubbing them tiredly. "We were really bad at talking," he admitted.

"Do you think she would have stayed with you – romantically I mean – once you had to admit to your fears about how you felt about the baby?" Esme asked gently.

Biting down hard on his lip, Edward shook his head. His breathing quickened, "So you're saying this is my fault?" he asked, trying to hang on to his anger. Anger was an easy emotion to turn to - one completely devoid of responsibility.

"Blame is such a useless thing, darling," she said, her tone still gentle and motherly. "Now you have to deal with the fact that it didn't happen that way. Maybe there's some good in what happened. At least now you know how you feel about your daughter." She smiled widely, ruffling his hair. "You're going to be a daddy, Edward. If nothing else, aren't you ... relieved that you can celebrate that?"

Despite himself Edward's lips pulled up into a smile, a giddy sense of wonder worming its way into the heavier feelings in his heart.

Later that evening as the family gathered for dinner - sans Rosalie who was in late meetings with her producers - Edward could have been a ghost. He was completely lost in his thoughts, trying to unwind the snarls that his life was in. He tried to separate his anger and his hurt from his heartbreak, sorting out every misstep on both his and Bella's part. He thought about what would have - could have - been if that Friday hadn't unwound the way it had. What would his life have looked like then?

It was time to start planning his life again - to take back control and do what he could with the hand he'd been dealt. He wasn't precisely sure how to start, but he knew that he was out of excuses.

Bella's name drew him back to the present. His mother and Alice were talking quietly to his right. Alice was grimacing, obviously concerned. She'd talked to Jasper recently and seconded Esme's observations on Bella's appearance. He heard the word depression more than once.

Edward felt his eyes tighten. The vindictive part of him was glad she was suffering - she'd certainly caused him to suffer. It was a small part of him, and growing smaller by the day, but it was still there.

Suddenly, he turned to his brother's wife. "Tanya. I need to talk to you."

A/N: Thank you to jadedandboring. You are my sunshine. Even if I can't talk about your chili. And thanks to Barbaurella... seriously, this chapter was a mess. Thanks for helping me make sense.

Seriously - I wait for your reviews almost as eagerly as some of you wait for my updates. The discussions! Gah! Fascinating.

Since I've never been pregnant (really), I'll tell you about a mood swing story that my friend Cella told me. She said she was out with her friends, all of whom were babbling excitedly about visiting her baby in the hospital as soon as he was born. Cella was stewing until suddenly she started shouting, "No one is gonna see my baby but me! Everything outside the hospital is full of germs! I won't let you get him sick when he's just born!"

Okay. Your turn. Please?