Chapter 19: Doing the Dance
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer I am not. I'm just playing with these kids for fun.
Bella finally managed to convince Jasper and her father that she wasn't going to die if they weren't there to supervise her. Since Esme's visit, she had been better able to get a hold on the downward spiral of her life. She had a small measure of hope that things between her family and Edward's wouldn't always be acrimonious. Even if Edward never forgave her, Bella thought she might be able to have a positive relationship with her daughter's grandmother at the very least.
It was a small victory, but it was definitely something.
She spent exactly one day entirely on her own. The second day, a little before noon, her doorbell rang. Figuring it was Jasper checking on her, Bella hauled herself away from her computer and opened the door with a smile on her face. Her smile faltered when she saw who was standing there.
"Tanya," she choked out a greeting.
The strawberry blond woman smiled. "Hi!" she said cheerfully.
"Do you want to come in?" Bella asked, stepping aside.
"No, actually. I wanted to know if you wanted to go out," Tanya said, gesturing behind her to her car. Bella peeked and saw the twins buckled into the car seats in the backseat, waving their arms vigorously. Bella couldn't help but smile.
"Come on," Tanya encouraged. "I know you haven't been out of the house much except to see the doctor. We'll have some lunch, and then explore the wonders of Babies 'R Us."
That was how Bella found herself out and about in Los Angeles. The minute she got in the car, the twins chattered with her excitedly, telling her they'd missed her, and why didn't she come over more, and did she know that they would be four soon, and what was she going to get them for presents... they liked dressing up.
"Girls," Tanya admonished lightly.
"They were born in September?" Bella asked.
Tanya nodded. "September 12."
Bella smiled. "I'm September 13th."
"Hear that girls? Bella's birthday is the day after yours. What are you going to get her?" Tanya asked.
"Kisses?" Katrina guessed.
"Pwincess cwown!" Irina argued.
"No!" Katrina protested. "Race cars!"
Bella covered her mouth to catch the giggles that threatened to escape. Then one of them gasped as an idea occurred to her. "Mommy! B'la can have a party with us."
"Yeah!" the other agreed, bouncing in her car seat. "Like Auntie and Unca!"
"We'll see," Tanya promised vaguely.
It wasn't until they got to the restaurant, and the twins were settled in their seats, that Tanya and Bella were really able to talk. Too curious for her own good, Bella finally had to ask Tanya if she was at all angry for her actions.
"Pfft. I'm a lawyer, Bella. I'm trained to see both sides of the story – even if it's only to crush the other side mercilessly." Seeing Bella blanch a little, Tanya patted her arm. "Don't worry. It doesn't behoove me to use my powers for evil. Even if you were the worst person in the world – which you are far, far, far from – it just doesn't make sense for any of us to hold on to our anger – for the baby's sake if no one else's.
"But besides that… hon, I'm a mother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for those precious girls," she nodded at the twins whose heads were bent together as they colored on their menus. "I'd die for them. It's... that bond is so strong and intense. Sometimes the need to protect them overshadows common sense. I've yelled at other mothers, other children... even Esme and Carlisle before when I thought they were ... making a poor choice in how they spoke to the girls. I've had to talk my foot out of my mouth more than once," she laughed.
After lunch, Tanya did manage to drag Bella into Babies R Us, and even got her to start a registry. "No one's saying you have to finish it today," she reasoned. "Just start it. It will make Esme feel better."
Bella was uncertain. She didn't know if she was comfortable with the idea of Esme throwing her a baby shower. She still didn't know how much bad blood existed between her and the other guest of honor. Alice had been quiet these weeks - unusual to say the least.
And that was without even considering Edward.
Then Bella remembered Jacob's words about a registry merely being a list of things she needed. That Bella couldn't argue with. It was beyond time for her to figure out what she needed.
Tanya proved to be an invaluable help. She chattered easily about baby slings versus baby backpacks, and how the thermometer with three interchangeable tips was easily worth the extra money. Then she surprised Bella a few times when she nonchalantly mentioned that Edward had done a fair amount of research and had found a crib that was both highly rated and highly functional. The strawberry blond said nothing when, after examining it for herself, Bella quietly aimed the scanner she'd been given at it, adding it to her list. As they walked along, Katrina and Irina did their best to help. They scampered off to snatch whatever bauble caught their eye that they assured Bella the baby needed. It was amazing how easily the twins accepted and indeed expected that her baby would be part of their family.
When Bella's feet started to ache they made their way to a little playground inside the mall that the store was in. For a while, Bella was quiet, listening to Tanya's tales from the crib as she watched Katrina and Irina bounce from one part of the playground to the other.
Watching them, it was hard not to imagine being here in a few years time - watching her own daughter running. She imagined a girl with Edward's glorious smile, and a head full of bronze colored curls. The hope that Esme had sparked in her a few days before seemed to grow, and Bella grasped the picture of happiness with both hands. Things looked bleak now, but in the end, her baby was well worth it.
"Thank you for this, Tanya," Bella said, not taking her eyes off the little blond girls. They'd been so open with their affection that day, hugging Bella's ankles and tugging at her hands. "I really needed it."
Tanya gave her a curious look. "Don't you know, Bella?" When she received only a confused look from the other woman, Tanya continued. "Edward asked me to come do this...and to bring the twins. My girls were a comfort to him when he thought..." she trailed off with a grimace. "Well," she amended, "they have a knack for making people smile."
When she was alone again Bella couldn't stop turning the situation over in her head. Those few weeks she had been waiting for Edward to make the first move, uncertain with how to counter him until he showed her game plan. His action baffled her. The two times she'd seen him since that awful day he looked for all the world like a man who couldn't even stand the sight of her. Yet he'd asked Tanya to bring Katrina and Irina to cheer her up.
She was nervous, and completely insecure about how she should proceed, but Edward had thrown a ball in her court. She was damn well going to return it.
~0~
A few days after Tanya's visit to Bella, Edward was just beginning to try to figure out what he wanted to eat for lunch when his doorbell rang.
When he saw Bella standing on his porch, Edward's lips automatically turned down, the cold rush of anger mixing disconcertingly with the warmth he felt at the center of his chest. He still cared about her enough that her appearance - so uncertain and drawn - pained him.
She was still beautiful to him. His anger could not negate what he felt.
"I um..." she started, then cleared her throat, obviously steeling herself. "I wanted to know if I could take you to get some lunch. If you're hungry."
He stared at her in a way that would have made his mother elbow him in the side if he was still nine years old. It wasn't that Edward meant to be rude, he was simply taken by surprise - and he didn't know how he felt about spending an hour with Bella face to face.
Bella looked away from him, tempering her irritation at his silence. "Edward, we have to learn how to talk to each other at some point." She sighed and the edge dropped out of her voice. "Not talking is what got us in trouble in the first place."
An automatic argument bubbled up from the pit of his stomach - full of acid and venom - but he held it back. He wanted to say that if she hadn't lied they'd be in a much different place. But while that was, without a doubt, true, her lie was not where their troubles began. Taking a deep breath, Edward nodded at her. "You're right. But I'll drive, if you don't mind."
"I don't mind," she said, a little too eagerly. She seemed pleasantly surprised that he'd agreed. He felt a twinge at the sight of her happiness. He'd missed her smile.
The ride to his restaurant of choice was quiet as they got used to each other's company again. Edward didn't know that he had anything to say to her. There were so many things he wanted to know - about her plans for the baby, how long she was going to stay home with her, names... where he was supposed to fit into all of this and how. But every time he thought about it, he was angry. He didn't know how to broach the topic without coming off defensive to say the least, rude at very worst.
He knew a lot more than he had before. He'd been reading. He knew his daughter was probably around two pounds and a little over a foot long. He knew that she could hear them, and that her eyes were almost fully developed.
But before they could talk about any of that, he had to calm the storm of anger and bitterness that rose in him just thinking about Bella and the baby.
Abruptly remembering their first meal, an idea popped into Edward's head. He turned the right direction before he could over-think what he was about to do.
"Oh," Bella said, looking startled. He saw the disappointment flit across her face before she could mask it.
"You said I could pick where we went," Edward reminded her.
Bella looked out the car window at the sushi restaurant they'd parked in front of, swallowing hard. She loved sushi. She'd once spent an entire evening talking about how much she missed sushi. Everything else hadn't been as difficult to give up for the duration of her pregnancy except sushi...and ibuprofen. "I'm sure they have teriyaki chicken ... or maybe vegetable tempura," she muttered under her breath.
Despite himself, Edward had to try very hard to hold back his amusement. He started walking, completely bypassing the Sushi place to walk to the restaurant several doors over. He heard Bella's little gasp, and then her footfalls sped up as she caught up to him. "Ha," she said, falling into step beside him.
Edward didn't answer but let his mouth quirk up in a half grin. He opened the door for her at the real restaurant they were going to.
"Red Robin?" she asked, looking around the warm, family-oriented restaurant.
"You remember I told you that there are some places that serve real hamburgers? Well, this is one of them," he said. His voice was still tight but the irritation was gone. Bella's eyes connected with his for a fraction of a second, a tiny light of hope written there before she looked to the hostess that wanted to seat them. It was the most words he'd spoken all at once to her in almost three weeks.
They sat, silent as they looked over the menu. Edward felt unnaturally pleased when she ordered the strawberry lemonade. Even over a few short weeks he could see a marked affect on her body. She was skinnier than she had been three weeks ago despite the fact that her belly was growing ever larger. Her cheekbones were more pronounced. He didn't have to be a doctor to know that she should be gaining weight at this point in her pregnancy - not losing it. He ordered a spinach-artichoke dip as an appetizer.
For many minutes they were able to put off talking as they decided what to eat. "Isn't there some sort of rule against a food critic having a burger?" Bella teased carefully after they'd ordered - a Royal Red Robin burger for her (it was all about the egg) and a sauteed 'shroom burger for him.
Edward smiled briefly at her. "A McDonald's hamburger? Yes. This is quality meat. You know - not gray-ish matter."
"Hamburger snob," she chided lightly, sipping her lemonade shyly.
For a moment - just a moment - it was as if they were back to where they'd been just a few weeks before.
Then they were quiet, unsure of how to act around each other or what they could say. While they waited for their food to come, Edward and Bella made an attempt at small talk. It was awkward - more awkward than it had been between them even in the beginning. They skirted around hot issues. Bella told Edward about the new job Aro had offered - writing for one of the sitcoms in another studio - while carefully avoiding the subject of what had brought his offer on. Edward could read between the lines. He would want Bella as far away from Victoria and Rosalie alike to keep any potential lawsuits at a minimum. He tried not to think about the event that brought the change on, instead concentrating on congratulating her. Regardless of the reasons why, he knew she was a talented writer who'd earned her place on that staff.
Their food arrived and they both dug in. As they chewed, conversation once again seemed to chill around the edges.
Bella stirred her straw around her glass, watching the strawberries as they swirled. "I um... your mother still wants to hold a baby shower for me...us," she said finally.
The bite of burger turned to sawdust in Edward's mouth. He forced himself to swallow, trying to keep his voice even though his defenses were raised at the mention of anything to do with the baby. "I know," he said carefully.
"Is that... I mean, you're okay with that? If you're not, I can tell her no."
He looked up at her sharply. "Are you trying to keep my family away, because if you-"
"I'm not trying to do ... anything," Bella interrupted, her eyebrows knitting together as she glared at him. She put her fork down, folding her hands across the shelf her belly made as she stared down at the table. "That's not what I meant."
Edward picked up a fry more for something to do than to actually eat it. He breathed deeply, trying to calm the irrational rage. "I'm sorry," he said, but his voice was still too hard to really convey any serious regret. "It's just that I'm finding it hard to trust your motives right now."
"I know that... what I did hurt you," Bella said to the tabletop. "But Edward - that was the only time I've ever lied to you. I don't want to keep you away from your daughter. I don't want to keep your family away. I just... I don't want to make you uncomfortable. It's not like I became this whole other person with ulterior motives."
Intellectually, he knew what she was saying. Part of him even ached to forget that entire weekend existed. Forget he left. Forget that she didn't call for him when she was scared and in pain. Forget that when she finally picked up the phone she lied. Forget everything except perhaps the most important thing he'd learned about himself: that he wanted to be a father; not just anyone's father, but his daughter's father.
Some of life's most important lessons were taught at the sharp end of a sword.
Somewhere in his primal mind he saw Bella as a threat. However briefly, she'd tried to take his child away from him. It was a fact that had shaken him to his core, shattering the trust he'd naturally put in her as their relationship had progressed. Edward didn't know how to undo that kind of wound.
"Are you ready to go?" he asked instead, his tone still cutting.
She looked up at him then, a spark of fury catching in her sad, brown eyes. "No. You need to hear something else. I am sorry. But as much as I wish I could undo the past, I can't. I earned your anger, and I can accept that, but I haven't done anything to deserve this kind of paranoia. I made a mistake. I wasn't trying to be malicious."
"Try or not, you succeeded," Edward snapped.
He saw Bella's hands flex into fists as her brow twitched - in anger or frustration he couldn't tell. He wanted to back down, he really did, he just found himself utterly incapable of doing it.
Bella let out a long sigh. "Look, any relationship needs a measure of trust to make it work. If we can't trust each other, even just enough to be civil, we're only going to hurt her. You - we - I..." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before she tried again. "We cared for each other-"
"Don't!" Edward demanded. His anger was getting out of control, and he knew it. He just couldn't think about that too; he couldn't think about how much he missed them. It was too much loss that he wasn't sure how to deal with.
Edward stood, tossing a fifty down on the table. It was more than enough to cover both of their meals with a very generous tip. Without looking about Bella, he strode out of the restaurant.
In the parking lot he paced, feeling like he was milliseconds away from putting his fist through the metal side of the car next to his. He felt strong enough to bend metal with his bare hands.
Her words about undoing the past echoed in his head with a sort of desperation. At first the wish was an ache that made his throat close with the lump that rose there painfully. What he wouldn't give to turn back the clock.
But to where?
And wasn't that the exact thought that had made Bella tell him his daughter was dead?
His heart ached when he realized what that meant. He remembered her words: ...it was the only thing I could think of that would put us both back where we were six months ago.
Before they even knew each other. In those moments, she'd regretted them entirely.
That was part of where Edward was stuck. Whenever he tried to trace back the tangled web they'd woven for themselves, he didn't know where to wish he'd done something different. If they were honest with each other up front they would have never discovered their compatibility for each other, would never have spent nights and days learning about each other as lovers. No matter how badly he was hurting, he couldn't bring himself to regret that.
He stopped pacing, leaning his forehead against his car as he breathed deeply. How on earth were they going to get through this? He knew she wasn't wrong. She didn't deserve his baseless assumptions or the way he'd snapped at her. Better or worse, she was his child's mother, and she deserved his respect.
So when she finally came out of the restaurant, Edward tried to let his actions convey what he couldn't yet say. His words were still coated in venom, so he kept them to himself as he opened the passenger door for her.
She murmured a thank you in a small, uncertain voice, and Edward felt sick. One of the things he'd always enjoyed about her was that she had never put up with his bullshit. From day one she'd been the strong one - able to stand on her own two feet and not willing to let some idiot's opinion get in the way of what she wanted. Now, though, what choice did she have but to try and deal with him? He'd made it abundantly clear that he could make their fight ugly if he chose, and above all, Bella wanted what was best for their daughter.
He drove them back toward his place in silence, grappling with what he should apologize for, and how he could ever forgive her.
When they were almost back to his place, Edward chanced a glance at her, his gut twisting with self disgust when he realized she was staring out the window, wiping at her eyes discreetly with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry," he said instantly, his voice gentle for once. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
She didn't look at him, continuing to stare out the window. "You didn't. I'm hormonal, remember?"
He sighed, lifting his hand to squeeze her knee but diverting it instead to his own hair, ruffling it self consciously. "You probably wouldn't have been crying if it wasn't for my baseless assumption," he said softly, guiltily as he pulled into his driveway.
Her lips pursed and she shrugged her shoulders, still staring away from him. "You never know. Everything makes me teary. It's driving me a little nuts," she admitted. Then she hissed suddenly, clutching her stomach.
"What?" Edward asked, abruptly panicked. "What is it? Are you okay?"
She chuffed lightly. "Fine. I'm fine. Just... she's using my organs as a punching bag," she said with a laugh, wincing at the internal attack.
Edward was taken slightly aback. "She's kicking?"
Bella glanced at him, her eyes contemplative. She nodded slowly. "Do you...Do you want to feel?"
His eyes darted back and forth from her belly to her eyes, unsure, but his hand reached out, stopping about half way between them. Inexplicably, his heart began to beat faster - both with nervousness and excitement. He laid a tentative palm on her belly, bellow where her hands were folded.
"No, um," Bella cleared her throat nervously and lightly put her hand over his, moving his palm across to a different point on her stomach. "Here," she said, pressing down slightly.
For a moment, Edward could feel nothing, and his lips began to turn down in disappointment. But then, he felt something. It was a small movement; just a light brush like a weak finger across his palm. He almost thought he had imagined it when he felt it again. His mouth dropped open slightly, his lips curling up and stretching wide across his face as he gave a tiny laugh of incredulous wonder. "I feel her," he whispered.
Edward looked up then, his wide eyes locking with Bella's teary eyes and smiling face. For a handful of seconds there was no anger. The lingering hurt and distrust faded away because for those moments he was utterly happy. He was touching his daughter - the life he'd helped create and would someday soon hold in his arms - through Bella's skin and clothing. There was no room left for the negative emotions then; every space inside of him was filled with an all consuming joy and love.
A/N: Barburella and jadedandboring are my lifelines. Ty so much for reading/beta'ing.
Soooo I have a thread on Twilighted now! Check out my profile for a link! Weigh in. Some of you are really peeved at Edward!
So my mom burst out in tears when she realized she was pregnant with my brother. She had a one and a half year old that wouldn't sleep (yours truly) and a demanding job. It all turned out all right (Brother says he was a blessing), but still. Were all of you happy to be pregnant?