Already Perfect: An Outtake From The Sharpest Lives

Author: lvtwilight09

Banner made by: timelights

Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine, and neither is the song F*ckin Perfect. I do however own this storyline, so yay for me.

Author's Note: Inspiration for this outtake came from the song F*ckin Perfect by Pink. I highly suggest listening to it either before reading or while you are reading this…it definitely describes Bella's feelings here and the message Rosalie is trying to send her. Special thanks to Massy for pre reading for me. I'd also like to thank you all for donating.

***BPOV***

Ten days. I haven't shot up, drank or worked at the club for ten days. I should feel happy but I feel like death warmed over. Maybe Carlisle was right and I should have gone through medical detox…too late now. Things are getting better though. I don't have the shakes all the time, and the hot and cold flashes aren't as bad. The not throwing up all the time is a plus too, even if I still feel like I've been hit by a train.

The physical effects of having quit cold turkey I could handle, it's the emotional and mental battle that's waging in my head that is the real struggle. I guess a big part of it is the guilt. Carlisle didn't leave my side the first week, and Alice was always nearby to try to keep an eye on my future to make sure everything was going ok. The fact that the Cullens all put their lives on hold to help me…that's what makes me feel so guilty. I know they said they consider me family and that they would do anything for me, but this was one thing they never should have had to do.

I finally made them all go off hunting yesterday since they kept putting it off. They refused to even go in pairs saying that they all wanted to be close in case anything happened or I needed something. They always found ways to argue against leaving me, until I said that sooner or later I would have to start trying to be on my own at times. They couldn't argue with that since they all knew it was true, so they agreed saying that one of them would hunt close to home and would be back at some point today.

When they first told me that, I wasn't sure if I should be happy that they were concerned enough about me that they were easing me into being on my own, or if I should think that they just didn't trust me to run out and use the first chance I got to be alone. I didn't have the energy to really argue it out in my head or to actually bring it up, so I just let it go.

Looking at the clock I see that it's already almost noon and I still haven't bothered to leave my bed yet. Figuring I should at least attempt to take care of my own basic needs I get out of bed and head to the bathroom. I don't bother looking in the mirror; I don't want to risk seeing if I look as bad as I feel. I turn on the water in the shower and peel my pajamas off of me.

I step under the water and just let it work the soreness out of my body. As I wash my hair and my body, I let my mind wander a bit. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with my life now. I don't even have my high school diploma so finding a job will be like finding a needle in a hay stack. I'm sure the Cullens would tell me that I don't have to worry about money, but I don't want to feel like a charity case. I guess I lose track of time because the water starts to run cold.

After shutting off the water I wrap a towel around my body and step out of the shower. As I pick up my brush to rid my hair of tangles I look at myself in the mirror for the first time since I stopped using. I was wrong to think that I looked as bad as I feel…I look worse. My skin looks paler than usual and the dark circles under my eyes look like bruises. Staring at my reflection I realize I don't recognize the girl looking back at me. I can remember what I used to look like once upon a time, but I look nothing like that now and I can't stop the tears that start to pour as I come to this realization.

I stare long and hard at myself in the mirror; trying to remember who I am, and I can't. It's not just the way I look that's different; it's who I am that has changed. I know who I used to be. I used to be Bella Swan, daughter of the chief of police, the straight A student who loved books. I used to be Bella, the once homeless girl who worked at The CatScratch Club as a dancer who had one too many bad habits. But staring at my reflection and trying to figure out who I am now…I don't have a clue as to who that is. Dancing and the club and the drugs, for better or worse had been my identity for so long…now without either of those things, I feel lost. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with my life, no clue about who Bella Swan is or what I want out of life, or what I'm supposed to do just to get through each day…in this moment I understand just how much of a failure I am.

All of these thoughts seem to come at me at once and the feelings that are attached to them are more than I can bear. I start to sob uncontrollably as I collapse in a ball on the floor of the bathroom. I'm not sure how long I lie on the floor crying, but the next thing I know I'm being picked up by cool arms and carried back into my bedroom.

Once I'm placed back on my bed I look up to see Rosalie walking into my closet. As she walks back into my room, she tosses some clothes to me and says "You know I understand what you're feeling more than you might think."

"I doubt that very much Rose. I'm quite sure you never made the mistake of stripping for money or shooting up." I snap at her as I get dressed.

Rose sits down on the bed and motions for me to sit next to her. After I finish putting on my clothes I climb onto the bed and sit. For the first time I see Rosalie look nervous, like she has something to say but is afraid to say it.

"Bella, I may not have had the exact same experience as you, but what I went through…I understand what it feels like to be tossed aside by the man you love and then be forced into a situation, a life you never wanted. I know what it feels like trying to find your way in the world when you feel like you have no clue who you even are anymore." Rosalie's voice is barely a whisper, and I'm sure that if I wasn't sitting next to her I wouldn't be able to hear what she's saying.

"Rose…"

"Bella please, let me explain some things. Let me tell you my story. It isn't a fairy tale, but I was lucky; I got my happily ever after…you need to know that you can have yours too."

Rose has been great with everything, she's been doing everything she can to help me get through everything so far, but she's never had much to say before now, and her willingness now kind of catches me off guard. I nod my head to let her know I'm listening, afraid that actually speaking may make her change her mind about telling me whatever it is she has to say.

"Times were different when I was alive Bella" begins Rose. "All that was expected of women was to be a good wife and mother. That was all I had ever wanted out of life. I was young and naïve, I thought I knew what love was. It took one night out to prove how wrong I was. I was engaged to Royce King. He was easily considered the most eligible bachelor in Rochester. I thought he loved me, but all he wanted was a pretty trophy to keep on his arm. We were out one night with his friends…Royce had too much to drink. He left me alone with them, told me to be good and not to embarrass him. He knew what they were planning. By the end of the night I was bloody, beaten, and broken…I was praying for death. Carlisle found me, brought me back to his home and changed me."

Rose is quiet for a moment, and looking at her now, I swear she'd be crying if she could.

"I was filled with so much anger. I had loved Royce and he betrayed me in the worst way. When I finally realized what Carlisle had done, what I had become, I was miserable. This isn't a life I would have chosen for myself. All I've ever wanted was a family, children of my own…the chance to be sitting on the porch with my husband, surrounded by my grandchildren. The one thing I wanted most I could never have. Knowing that I had lost my chance at getting what I had wanted most…I didn't know who I was anymore. I had lived my entire life based upon the notion that I was going to be a mother, now that I didn't have that, now that I wasn't even technically alive…I didn't know what to do."

Taking my hand into hers, Rose continues telling me her story.

"I resented Carlisle and Edward, I sought our revenge against Royce and his friends, but nothing worked. Eventually I found Emmett. I think I loved him from the moment I first found him, but I was too afraid to admit it to myself, too afraid because I was hurt so badly the last time when it came to love. But Emmett, he understood me without me ever even saying a word. No matter what I did to try to push him away, he was there…telling me that I was already perfect, that it was okay for me to let go of the anger and the pain. Emmett got me to just start living again…he got me to accept my life for what it was and realize that all the bad that happened wasn't what defined who I was, that it was up to me, and the choices I make that would do that. He taught me to love again Bella, not only him and the rest of the family, but myself."

Listening to Rose talk about Emmett and how he helped her, loved her…I can't help the jealousy that starts rising inside me. I'll never have that, Edward was lost to me long ago and with what I've turned into, there's no chance of ever getting him back.

"Rose…our situations are completely different. You had Emmett. I don't have someone to help me like he helped you. I'm on my own in this, and it's hard." Breaking down into tears I continue talking. "It's so damn hard Rosalie. I have no clue who the hell I am or who I am supposed to be. I'm such a failure. I've lost everything and I don't even know where to begin trying to figure out how I'm supposed to basically start my life over again."

Rose just holds me as I cry for a while. I hate the fact that my emotions are so all over the place. I feel like all I've done is be angry or cry lately and I just wish I could feel normal for a change. Eventually Rose lifts my head so I'm looking at her.

"Bella, you are not alone. I know you feel like you are but you have me, Emmett, and the rest of the family all here for you if you would just let us in. Don't make the mistakes I made and waste time wallowing in regret, hating the world and yourself. I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, it takes time Bella, but let us help you and I promise you'll get there."

I wanted to believe what Rose was saying, but I couldn't help the guilt that would come over me every time I tried.

"You shouldn't have to help me through something like this Rose. I'm not your responsibility…I'm not worth it." I mumble as I scoot back towards the center of the bed and pull my knees close to my chest. Tears are falling down my face again as the truth behind the words of what I just said hit home with me, making me feel like I've been punched in the gut. I turn my head away from Rosalie, tucking it into my knees in hopes of keeping her from seeing me cry again as I continue to whisper the words "I'm not worth it" to myself over and over.

I feel the bed dip as Rosalie moves towards me. Looking up I'm surprised to see her not looking at me with pity or disgust, but understanding. It's this look, the way she's looking at me now that makes me realize that Rose really does know how I'm feeling right now and I can't help but throw my arms around her, clinging to her like a life raft as I completely break down.

"What am I supposed to do Rose? Where do I go from here?" I manage to mumble between sobs.

Rose just holds me in her lap, rocking slightly back and forth in an attempt to calm me down as she talks.

"Shhh Bella it's going to be okay. You've made a few wrong turns and some bad decisions but the important thing is that now you're getting back on track. You have to stop second guessing and underestimating yourself. Start thinking about all the good inside you Bella, because right now all you're doing is putting yourself down. Stop listening to the voice in your head that tells you that you don't deserve to be happy because you do. I know that right now things are complicated and you've got your fair share of anger and hatred bottled up inside, but you need to confront the causes. Trust me, I know it's tough but I chased down my own demons and I'm still standing. I've already seen you do the same; you just need to face everything once and for all and put it behind you…let it all go so you can move on. And as for you feeling along or like a worthless failure…you are not alone, you have me and the rest of the family, and you are not worthless or a failure so please don't think like that because to me…you're already perfect. "

As Rose offers me words of comfort I manage to stop crying, and for a moment I grieve for the fact that she will never have children of her own because the way she's being with me right now just goes to show that she would have been a wonderful mother.

"Thank you Rose, for everything. I know we haven't always gotten along, but it means a lot knowing you're here for me. I promise I'll try to let you all in more."

Smiling, Rose squeezes my hand. "Any time Bella. Just remember, any time you start doubting yourself just remind yourself that you're already perfect."

My stomach takes this moment to make itself known and growls loud enough to wake the dead. Rose and I both laugh before she offers to go make lunch for me.

Getting off the bed, I step into the bathroom to splash some water on my face before heading out to the kitchen where Rose is. Looking at myself in the mirror again I still seem the same bruise-like circles under my eyes and my too pale skin, but as I think over everything that Rose said to me, I realize that they don't define me or the changes I want to make to make my life better; they are just reminders of where I've been in my life and lessons I've learned, and I can't help but think to myself that maybe Rose is right…maybe I am already perfect after all.